Merry Christmas

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key.
Frederick Saunders

It’s getting close to that time of year where give our loved ones gifts and presents; so I decided to give you some gifts.



The first is a list of advice that has been given to couples:

• Be best friends.
• Court each other forever.
• Choose happiness over being right.
• Your partner comes first, before anybody or anything.
• Balance couple time and you time.
• Remember, foreplay never stops; it goes on day after day.
• Never assume.
• If you are doing things that cause you to think or say “I
can’t tell my spouse this,” you shouldn’t be doing it.
• Always compliment each other. "Tell your wife that she
looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
• When you vent about your spouse, you need to say three
positive things as well.
• Always make time for the two of you.
• Fight fair, respectfully and focused.
• Sometimes marriage is a bed of roses and sometimes there
are thorns.
• Understand that most marriages go through rough patches and
the best time to seek help is at the start, when you still like
each other.
• Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that
matters.
• Respect each other's privacy.
• Never Keep Secrets.
• Surprise each other now and then.
• Have date night! Dates are for having fun, and people
should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
• Hold hands. "They want to make sure their rings don't fall
off because they paid good money for them." Dave, Age 8
• Talk daily.
• Choose the one you love, then love the one you choose. "One
of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, Age 8
• Never compare, you always loose.
• Fight naked. ;)
• Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
• The secret to a happy marriage is two TV's!
• Keep family, friends and in-laws at a distance in marriage.
• Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them. (Anita, Age 9)
• No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and
deodorant are so popular. (Jan, Age 9)
• Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as
love. (Alonzo, Age 9)
• Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash. (Randy, Age 8)


And the second gift is permission to laugh and have fun with each other and with your relationship. As you can tell from the above list other people’s viewpoints are often humorous and insightful. So in your marriage look at things from each other’s perspective and see how that feels to you.

Marriage is a serious and sometimes trying undertaking and we often get so caught up in that part of it that we forget to enjoy it.

Remember, you got married because of how you felt, not only about each other but also how you feel when you are together. The greatest gift you can give each other is your total and unconditional love; that and patience and generosity. Take care of each other and have a Merry Christmas season.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage and Kids

Relationships between a man and a woman can be and are great. We do things together; travel, vacation, laugh and play, we have sex and then we have kids. I have heard people, parents, say “when is it our turn.” Or one or the other of them saying “I never get the same time and affection, the same respect and consideration as the kids.” And all too often this is a legitimate question or statement. We, as parents are so much more concerned about the welfare of our children then about each other or ourselves.

It is a fact of life that we need to put our own life, our own needs, and our own concerns on hold when we have children, especially little ones. We can’t be enjoying that afternoon delight while our two year old tries to cook supper. Or we can’t be working on our intimate connections when our teenage daughter is in the midst of her first break-up. It just does not work that way. So, when do we get “our turn,” when do we receive that same love and affection, respect and consideration and the same time for us?

We all want what is best for our kids. We do whatever it takes to help them to be safe, loved and help them to grow. “That is just what moms (dads) do,” my grandmother says. “Sacrifice everything for our children, they are what we really leave behind. Our success or failure in life is measured by success or failure of our kids.”



“You should have seen what a fine-looking man he was before he had children.”—Arapesh Tribesman Give up our selves for the betterment of our progeny, I think not. Sacrifice is great, help our kids out is fantastic, giving them the world is terrific, but not at the cost of our selves. We will be better parents and partners if we take care of our selves. Individuals need time to be alone, no matter what age our kids are or what is going on in their lives.

At times, and it is usually the mother, one of the parents gives more to the children and leaves the partner to fend for themselves. Time, well spent, together as a couple is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other. That same time well spent as a couple is the greatest gift you can give to your children. I guarantee that you will be a better parent if you are happy in your marriage, you enjoy spending time together, you make efforts to find ways of doing that. In fact, you are a better anything you choose, whatever role it is if you are happy with your life at home.

As parents we need to make every effort to give as much, if not more, to our partner. Time and effort are needed in that relationship as well as respect, love, consideration and sacrifice. Because sooner or later your kids will all leave and you still want to know that person sitting across the kitchen table from you. It is one of the greatest escapes in life when we can ditch the kids with mom, or a trusted friend, for the weekend and spend that time lounging around is some romantic place. Even if it is your own bedroom and your vivid imagination. You need to do this at least once every three or four months.

Parents need time away from their offspring as much as kids need time away from their managers, er, parents. Vacations away from kids are great as well. Not that I’m saying that we never do anything with our kids but that we need to stay connected with our spouses. It is a definite fact that we need to give our children happy memories but how much more happy will those memories be if we still love each other. So….
One, two, three, four, you really need to learn to shut the door.
Five, six, seven, eight the kids really need to learn to wait.
Nine and ten, this is so much fun you’ll want to do it again.

Enjoy each other no matter what stage you life is in, it’s better for you and great for the kids.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Your Relationship Through Self-Awareness

Our emotions allow us to experience the world in all its richness; without emotions the world would be a dull place. However sometimes our emotions are overwhelming and confusing. The first step toward controlling our emotions is self-awareness. Increasing self-awareness can also greatly increase our ability to understand our partner. It is difficult to be aware of and empathetic toward the feelings of others, if we are not aware of and understand our own emotions.

Our intimate relationships give us the best opportunity to improve our level of emotional awareness and control. Self-control is something that for most people comes much easier in public than it does in private. Home is the best laboratory for growing self-control.



The benefits of improving your emotional awareness and control include knowing and accepting your self. Rejecting or suppressing your feelings involves self-rejection. The huge amount of energy required to stuff feelings away and keep them stuffed away is exhausting. Emotional awareness and control also allows you to be closer to your partner. It will help you shrink the distance between you that may have been created either through hiding feelings or uncontrolled expressions of emotion or blow-ups.

Accepting your emotions when they arise, rather than denying, repressing them or stewing in them, allows you to release or let the emotion pass. The next time you are feeling a strong emotion, experiment with allowing yourself to fully accept or welcome that emotion, acknowledge and name the feeling you are having, take some deep breaths and ask yourself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Once you get the message you can release the emotion.

Just as building physical strength requires persistence and practice, building emotional strength requires consistent practice. You would not expect to run a marathon without a great deal of training. The self-awareness that you develop by paying attention to and accepting and releasing your emotions will improve your relationships. It will allow you to more easily deal with problems in the moment, rather than letting resentments build until they explode, hurting everyone involved.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Cost Of Being Right

Maybe you have met or are in a relationship with someone who seems to have the, My mind is made up. Don’t confuse me with the facts, kind of attitude. Or maybe when you look in the mirror you see someone with that type of attitude. This attitude is extremely destructive to relationships. Having to be right all the time may ultimately cost you the loss of your relationship. The least that it will cost you is a lack of intimacy in your relationship.

When you have to be right, you are constantly making your partner wrong. If you have to win all the time, your partner gets to lose all the time. This is not a fun place to live in a relationship. Your cannot really know and be close to your partner, if every time they express their opinion, you are correcting or criticizing them. If by your actions you are saying to your partner, If I want your opinion, I will give it to you, then you will never really know or understand your partner.


Your need to always be right, means that you are unable to be open to influence from your partner. It means that you cannot really listen to their opinions and feelings. You are too busy pushing your opinions and arguments. Trust and intimacy are eroded and will be completely destroyed unless changes are made.

This need to constantly prove that one is right, often stems from an insecure sense of self. If you find yourself feeling threatened or annoyed when people do not agree with you, ask your self, why is it so important to me to be right? What does being wrong or making a mistake mean to me? Does it mean that I am stupid or less than?

Mutual respect is vital for a lasting healthy relationship. If you find yourself constantly putting your partner down because you have to win or be right all the time, STOP. Ask yourself, How important is this? Is this worth making my partner lose? How will this affect my relationship? Can I choose to be happy rather than right? If you are not with someone you can respect then perhaps it is time to reevaluate your behavior and your relationship. If you are with someone who does not respect you, you may want to evaluate your opinion of yourself and learn to be more assertive.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Miracles In Marriage

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're
looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

Perhaps Erma Bombeck’s quote is a little blunt and humorous but
nonetheless true. Our marriages come with only one guarantee; if
you don’t work at it, it won’t work. What do I mean by work when
it comes to marriage? Let me get personal for a moment.

When I was19 I figured that I was mature enough and smart enough
and in love enough to get married, so I did. It soon was evident
to others, not so much to myself that only one of those three
was true. In fact, if the first two were true I would not have
gotten married at 19, I probably would still be single now 34
years later.

In the first week we were having major disagreements (a nice way
of saying major fights) brought on by immaturity, mostly mine
and a lack of smarts, again, mostly mine. You see when I said,
I do, I thought that I had the world by the tail and it was a
downhill pull from there. The sad part is I made my wife, my
sweetheart pay for my lack of both maturity and intelligence.
Everything was her fault, I could not believe that this
beautiful, intelligent young lady could turn out to be so, dare
I say, dumb.

It took about six months and someone mentioning that dreaded
d-word to open my eyes. I was at fault just as much if not more
than her. I needed to learn about the work in marriage because
ours wasn’t, working that is. What were we, what was I doing
wrong? I started to look around at people whom I admired and
whose marriages seemed to work. What could I learn? Why did they
seem happy and me not?

The very first thing I noticed from my mentoring couples (they
did not know I was watching) was that there was a niceness to
their interchanges. They actually said please and thank-you. My
grandparents in particular always voiced their love for each
other. Picture this; a 6 foot 2 inch man in the kitchen with a
greasy spatula mark on his rump where she, 5 foot nothing, had
whacked him with a giggled “Dougie” as he poked her ribs and
tickled her. I remember watching this when I was staying with
them when I was 17 and thought, How corny, but realized later
it was an exchange of love.

Another couple, who shall remain unnamed here but thanked in my
heart, demonstrated how to treat each other with respect. In
their relationship when one was speaking the other was listening
and didn’t interrupt. They valued each other’s opinion, asked
each other for advice and disagreed agreeably.

There was an older couple when I was growing up and attending
church that would always sit side by side. If there wasn’t room
in the row where one of them was sitting they would get up and
move so that they could sit by each other. I remember watching
them walking into the building always holding hands, he held the
doors for her, would take off her coat and hang it for her. When
they both were much older and it was hard for them to get around
and such I remember on a Sunday her bringing a chair into the
cloakroom for him to sit on to put on his rubbers. After he had
his on she sat down and he helped put hers on. This sweet old
couple gently taught me how to treat my wife.

Another gentleman of my youth told me face to face that it takes
a real man to treat a woman with kindness, gentleness and love.
He said it speaks volumes about the respect and love that he has
for her when he treats her as if she were the most precious
thing in the world. Kindness and gentleness, he said, a
hallmarks of greatness and strength. His treatment of his
wonderful wife proved him to be a great and strong man, one whom
I miss today.

Much later in my life, my wife and I had been married for about
18 years; I became good friends and a student to a gentle giant
that has become my hero in most aspects of my life. Brother Dan
taught me that love was not an event or an attitude; it was an
action, a set of behaviors demonstrating the depth of one’s
feelings for another. His kindness and love given to his wife
told her and me that she was his love, and her happiness and
well-being was more important than his own most of the time.

What do I mean by work in a marriage? You can see by the
preceding it is not hard work; it just needs to be consistent.
The work part usually involves remembering that this is the one
you have chosen to be with, you committed to. To always recall
what it is he or she likes or dislikes. To share with them, both
the good and the bad. It seems a little funny but it is the bad
times gotten through together that build the most strength and
the best memories. As Scott Peck has said:

In thinking about miracles our frame of reference
has been too dramatic. We have been looking for
the burning bush, the parting of the sea, the
bellowing voice from heaven. Instead we should be
looking at the ordinary day-to-day events in our
lives for the evidence of the miraculous.

If we want the miracles in our marriage take care of the
day-to-day stuff and leave the rest to somebody else.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

One Plus One Does Equal Two

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one also be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone,
though they quiver to the same music.
Gibran

The most important thing about couples is that they are made up of individuals. There needs to be separateness to the relationship as well as the desired and sought after togetherness. This seems to be paradoxical; we cannot be two things at once. That fact is not only true, but absolutely essential. We cannot be two separate and together at the same time.

This, it would seem, indicates that couples are together, one unit, however, that is not true. What the reality is we are two separate, complete and whole individuals who have chosen to be together. There is a difference. That difference is the all-important ability to chose for one self.

Healthy relationships are made by a conscious decision, with lots of forethought. In a truly loving and wholesome relationship there is an element of rational, cool-headed and warm-hearted choice. That is how we make good and proper choices; we really think about the pros and cons, we look at all the possible consequences, and we make a choice among the possibilities. Next, we listen to our hearts; does this choice feel right, are we happy with the logical decision we’ve made and if so stick to that choice, cool head warm heart.

Why is this so important, this being one and choosing to be together? The answer lies in the definition of love. Scott Peck defines love in his marvelous book the Road Less Traveled as, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” By this definition we are truly individuals in a relationship of two.

To seek out spiritual growth, either for ourselves or for another is a quest of a “whole” person. One who is healthy and complete on his or her own. This is where the choice comes in. I am complete by myself, I need no one else to be happy or complete or whole thus, I choose to be with another because I want to not because I need to.

In our marriage preparation class we teach that it takes two whole and complete, healthy individual to make one whole, complete and great marriage. Peck states, “love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

There are some individuals who seem to have no choice in the matter. You’ve heard them. “I’m not myself without you. You complete me. I can’t live without you.” Romantic, yes but unhealthy. If this is literally true, if you do not feel complete without the other, then this relationship is destined for trouble. Your partner can never make you feel whole or complete. You become an emotional vampire sucking the life force right out of your “loved” one. “We do not have to love. We choose to love.” Big, big difference, huge difference, being healthy versus being unhealthy. Happiness versus despair and anguish.

When there are two individuals in one happy relationship then as the poet Gibran has said “they quiver to the same music.” Not only do they quiver to the same music, together they make music.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Overcoming Fear In Relationships

Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing.

When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.

The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life. We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us.

We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.

It is important to take complete responsibility for meeting our own needs and learn to completely love and accept our selves. The more love and acceptance we have for our selves the less fearful we will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine