Archive for 2015

10 Ways To Reduce Stress

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10 Ways To Reduce Stress

Stress affects people differently and some people seem to be more naturally resilient. A certain amount of stress is beneficial and can help you feel alive and alert. But once stress reaches a level greater than your ability to tolerate you will feel overwhelmed and your productivity, your relationships, your health and your quality of life may be impaired.


It may at times seem that things are out of control and that you are helpless to reduce your stress. But, you are more in control than you may realize. Stress management helps you to change stressful situations when you can change them; to change your reaction to situations that you cannot change and to make time for self-care.

10 ways to reduce stress:
  1. Eat a healthy diet
    Keeping your body nourished will help you be more resilient. Eat a healthy breakfast and eat several healthy meals throughout the day. Try to be mindful of what you are putting in your body.
  2. Get enough sleep
    Everyone feels much more frazzled when they are sleep deprived. Establish a healthy bedtime routine to help you prepare to sleep. Try guided meditation to help you sleep more soundly or to get back to sleep if you wake up during the night.
  3. Change what you can change
    Speak up, rather than bottling up. Use assertive communication and send complete messages including how you are feeling, a description of your concern and what you would prefer instead. Plan ahead to avoid unnecessary stress from running late or being unprepared.
  4. Reframe the problem
    Try changing perspective or finding your sense of humor. For example look at having to wait as a gift of time with which you can people watch, think, read or check your email on your phone.
  5. Accept what cannot be changed
    Give up trying to control things that are out of your control—like other people. Try to not label things as good or bad. Appreciate that it just is what it is.
  6. Learn to say no
    Ask yourself, “Is this something that I want to do?” “Is this something I am willing to do?” “Is this something I will resent doing?” If your answers are no, no and yes, then say no.
  7. Manage your environment
    Create a safe space for healing your frazzled nerves. Find ways to introduce peace and calm into your home. Get out in nature when you can. Look up and be mindful in your environment.
  8. Spend time with family and friends
    Build a support network and choose to share your feelings with those you trust. Communicating with someone who helps you feel safe and understood can help you feel more grounded and calm.
  9. Exercise regularly
    Physical activity helps to reduce the negative effects of stress. Exercise releases endorphins that help you feel good. Even just 10 minutes of activity that makes you sweat can increase your energy level and boost your mood.
  10. Create time for fun
    Laughing is a great stress reliever. Nurturing yourself will increase your resilience. Do something each day, just for fun, just for you.
Managing your stress is a great way for you to take responsibility for yourself in your relationship. The more resilient you are and the better able you are to cope with the stress in your life the less negative impact stress will have on your relationship and your quality of life.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Growing To Understand Your Partner

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Growing To Understand Your Partner

We all long to feel really understood—to have someone “get” us. Amazing relationship gains can result from putting in the time and energy to understand and appreciate each other.

How can we come to understand our partner? What might happen if we were actually just present with them? What if we continued to be curious about their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and attitudes long after the dating was done?



Most of the time at the beginning of a relationship, people are good at sharing, talking and trying to get to know each other. They are good at offering acceptance and approval. Hopefully the faces they choose to share with each other accurately represent who they are.

We will not create the kind of relationship that will feed our soul by pretending to be someone other than who we are. Real relationships are formed when we willingly share who we really are, not who we think we should be or who we think our partner wants us to be. Openness and authenticity will help us better understand each other.

To continue the ongoing quest to understand your partner it helps to acknowledge that your partner is different and that those differences are okay. To start with there are differences that exist because of your gender. Can you appreciate that men and women think and behave differently and they have different expectation for the relationship?

Chances are you and your partner also come from two totally different family cultures; even if you grew up in the same community. Your family might have been loud and their family might have been quiet. Your family may have dealt with issue openly and their family might have swept problems under the rug. Choose to learn about the culture of your partner’s family-of-origin and share your own in a respectful and caring way. Choose to work together to develop a shared culture for your relationship.

The two of you have different personalities and different personal histories. You may have different values and different approaches to life. These differences can make your relationship richer and more interesting as long as you choose to respect those differences. If you value the differences, rather than seeing them as problems you can grow closer and increase your understanding of each other.

Differences and lack of understanding can lead to conflict, especially when one or both partners insist that their way of doing or thinking is the right way. Problems can also arise when partner compete and score keep. Thinking that we are better or worse than our partner does not help us understand and connect with them.

Take the challenge to celebrate your difference and work together as a team. Give each other the priceless gift of understanding. Help your partner feel completely respected and that you really “get” them.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

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Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

If you find yourself asking this question or if others have expressed concerns it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship. There are some patterns and warning signs that could be indicators of an abusive relationship. Be cautious if your partner:

1. Is excessively controlling to supposedly protect you
2. Separates you from family and friends
3. Flips from sweet and charming to mean or cruel
4. Lacks empathy
5. Controls all of the finances
6. Is extremely jealous and possessive
7. Blames you for their temper outbursts
8. Controls your choices
9. Controls your access to phones and devices
10. Attacks you verbally or physically
11. Threatens to harm you, others or themselves to control you
12. Insists on always being with you or monitoring you
13. Is hypersensitive or constantly playing the victim
14. Hides their insecurity behind a superiority act
15. Is cruel to animals or people
16. Is extremely arrogant and demanding

In general, men tend to be more violent that women. But not all men are more violent than all women. It is important to recognize that men can be victims of abuse as well as women and that women can also abuse men. It can be extremely difficult for men to admit that they have been abused. They may feel even more shame over this than women. It is critical to understand and accept that no one is ever to blame for the abusive choices of another.

People often feel intense shame after being abused. They may be worn down until they accept the abusers message that they are to blame for the abuse. They may have come to believe the abuser’s message that they are unlovable, stupid, ugly, defective and that no one else would want them.

Pay attention to what your intuition is telling you about your relationship. You may be tempted to make excuses for your partner and to hope that things will improve. But if your instincts are telling you something is not right, it might be time to listen and come up with a safe way out. Ask yourself, “If I stopped protecting my partner, how would I feel.” Often I hear clients’ excuses for the behavior of their partners, “but he is really a good person;” “she has had a rough life;” or “I want the person I dated back, he was so generous and sweet.”

If you are unable to set healthy boundaries with your partner, you may have to remove yourself from the relationship in order to protect yourself. Know that you are worth protecting and that in time, through self-compassion you can and will heal.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Clean Slate Strategy For Couples

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Clean Slate Strategy For Couples

The clean slate strategy for couples involves choosing to start anew—to let go of negative relationship habits or built-up resentments and start fresh. The opportunity for a clean slate can be created arbitrarily. An example of an arbitrary clean slate is New Years Eve. Many strive to start fresh for the coming year by setting New Years resolutions. The opportunity for a clean slate may at times be thrust upon us through a change, positive or negative. You may get a new job or be downsized or fired. You may form a new relationship or you may end a relationship. A child may be born or you may lose a loved one.



Whether you create or are given the opportunity for a clean slate, you can use these times to rethink and recreate our patterns and habits. You can repeat the clean slate strategy at any time to build a more loving relationship. Holding on to resentments and negative judgments about your partner, their family, or their habits will make it extremely difficult to create positive memories together. Letting go of the build-up of resentment makes room for more loving habits and patterns.

You can choose at any time to wipe the slate clean. Sit down together and talk through the old hurts and resentments. Refuse to follow your old patterns of defensiveness or withdrawal. Try instead to actively listen to each other. This means one of you, at a time, talks about a hurt or resentment and the other simply validates and repeats in their own words what they have heard. Validation and active listening can make it easier to let go of old hurts. Forgiveness is a huge part of the clean slate strategy. Forgiving your partner for past hurts and forgiving yourself for insecurities or contributions to the problems.

Wiping the slate clean is a choice that can be made as needed. Most important is how you continue once the slate is wiped clean. Starting with a clean slate implies that something different will follow. If you simply continue with the same behavior that created the problems in the first place, you will find the old hurts will tend to reappear with a vengeance.

The following will help you to move forward with a clean slate:
  1. Focus on what you value about each other and your relationship. Pay attention to what has worked and do more of that. Make a point of noticing and expressing gratitude for the positive.
  2. Identify what behaviors need to change and work to break negative patterns of relating. Practice positive behavior habits.
  3. Set healthy boundaries. Give yourself permission to say no to things that are hurtful. Respect each other’s boundaries.
  4. Replace blaming, punishing and defensiveness with acceptance, forgiveness and willingness to hear each other.
  5. Choose to act, think and speak lovingly, especially when you least feel like it.
Consider using the clean slate strategy for couples to start fresh and move toward creating a stronger more loving relationship. You can use the strategy together. You can also begin on your own.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Mindfully Shape Your Relationship Habits

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Mindfully Shape Your Relationship Habits

Your relationship habits set the tone for your daily interactions. Do you smile or growl at your partner in the morning? If you find that your relationship is not feeling the way you hoped it would, you may want to rethink your relationship habits. All relationships become somewhat routine. The question is: Will the rut that you have fallen into keep you connected or will it gradually pull you apart?

Consciously choosing healthy relationship habits means that those habit will help carry you though times of stress. Habits can offer you comfort and a sense of control when you are feeling frazzled.



When you mindfully shape your relationship habits you are consciously choosing your destiny. Almost half of what we do each day we do by habit. How we shower, dress, groom ourselves, what and when we eat, the route we take to work and how we interact with each other are all typically done on autopilot. Make the habits you choose serve you rather than work against you.

Think about the relationship habits you have developed; the patterns of relating that you repeat day after day. Are these habits bringing you closer together or are they chipping away at your relationship?

To mindfully shape your relationship habits decide to practice the following until they stick:
  • Think loving thoughts about each other. I cannot emphasize this one enough. The thoughts you think about each other will have a huge impact on the course of your relationship.
  • Express gratitude daily. Feeling gratitude warms you heart; expressing gratitude will help warm your partner’s heart.
  • Touch daily: cuddle, snuggle, and touch non-sexually. Touch is an important part of the bonding process. 
  • Work together as a team. Seeing yourselves as team will mean less finger pointing and more cooperation as you meet life’s challenges.
  • Spend quality and quantity time. Both are important and allow you to consistently reconnect with each other. Create the mindful habit of spending time together actually noticing each other. Make sure that for at least a few minutes each day you see each other and are fully present with each other.
  • Give gifts of love; know each other. Gifts of love may be gifts or treasures, loving words, generous actions, quality time or kind deeds. Choose to love your partner in a way that feels loving to your partner.
  • Say nice things about your partner. How you talk about your partner to others will impact your relationship. Choose to focus on the positive.
  • Protect screen free time each day. Create an uninterrupted space of time for the two of you to connect each day.
  • Be active together. Go for a walk, play a sport, putter in the garden or go for a bike ride. Increasing your physical health together may help you feel closer, increase your energy and possibly improve your intimacy.
  • Always be respectful. No matter how you may be feeling in a moment, it is helpful to remember, that you love each other and treat each other accordingly.
  • Be generous and find opportunities to help each other. It is the little things that are actually the big things in relationships. Consistent little choices to be generous will protect your relationship from the inside out.
  • Practice acceptance. So much stress in your relationships may simply melt away if you were willing to accept each other as you are.
You will live most of your life by habit. When you mindfully shape your relationship habits, you can make your habits work for you rather than against you.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

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Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

If you are harboring unrealistic expectations, it is only a matter of time before they damage your relationship. Unrealistic expectations set you up for huge disappointment and lead to discouragement and an unnecessary sense of failure. It is not what happens in your relationship, but how you spin it for yourself that causes great pain.

Say for example you hold the expectation that you should always feel madly in love. It is inevitable that life will get in the way and there may be some days where you do not even particularly like each other. If you draw the false conclusion that this means you are not good enough or that maybe you were never in love, then your relationship will begin to falter. You will likely start to think negatively about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You may begin to act negatively toward your partner. These choices of thoughts and behaviors start to reinforce your false conclusion. The tendency then is often to avoid working on your issues and avoid seeking help. It is helpful to recognize that great relationships require consistent effort, respect, kindness and forgiveness, even when things are going well.


How do you know if your expectations are unrealistic? This may not be easy since your expectations probably seem perfectly reasonable to you.

Signs that you may be harboring an unrealistic expectation:
  1. You are continually disappointed that your expectation has not been met. When you notice a pattern of repeated disappointment, it may be time to carefully consider your expectation and whether it is completely realistic.
  2. You are trying to control something that is not within your control
  3. You are assuming or mind reading.
  4. Your expectations make it not okay to be who you are.
  5. Your expectations make it not okay for your partner to be who they are.
It can be difficult to let go of unrealistic expectations. You may believe that you have to keep your standards high in order to motivate yourself or to protect yourself. It is helpful to distinguish between high standards, which are worth striving for and unrealistic expectations, which lead to discouragement. High standards are based on principles like honesty, virtue and integrity. Unrealistic expectations are frequently based on fears that you are not enough or not lovable or not smart enough or other variations.

To let go of unrealistic expectations try using the following:
  • Be compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Be willing to communicate honestly, without blaming. (I felt hurt because I thought . . .)
  • Get curious about the origin of your expectations. Become a bit of a detective and do some soul searching.
  • Be flexible, notice when you are using ‘my way or the highway’ tactics. Perhaps your partner is not wrong, just different.
  • Watch your self-talk. Reflect on how you would talk to a friend in this situation.
  • Consider the consequence of hanging on to a particular expectation. What is the cost to you and to your relationship? Consciously decide to let go of expectations that are harming rather than helping you.
  • Use your sense of humor. Visualize your expectations as if you were in a sitcom or cartoon. Learn to laugh at how unrealistic they are.
Replacing your unrealistic expectations with more realistic expectations may help you think more positively about your relationship. You may start to behave more positively toward your partner and your relationship will be strengthened.

Forgiveness Heals Relationships

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Forgiveness Heals Relationships

It is inevitable that you will be hurt in a love relationship, in fact, the closer your relationship the greater your chances of hurting each other.  Little hurts will happen often. She doesn’t listen when you want to share something important. He is home late from work. You judge each other and say things that you regret. Resentment builds and the relationship becomes strained.

The building resentment starts to poison your relationship. You begin to avoid spending time with each other. You start criticizing your partner to others. You may reject your partner’s efforts to reconnect. If this resentment is left unchecked separation and divorce too often are the result.

The fact that you feel hurt in your relationship does not mean that your relationship is doomed. Even a healthy relationship has its hic-ups. What helps to keep the relationship healthy is the willingness to forgive and let go of the hurt.


It is also critical to be aware that some of the pain you feel may be the result of emotional wounds inflicted in childhood or in previous relationships. Forgiving those who have harmed you in the past can free you to be more fully present in your current relationship.

For those who struggle with forgiving, it is helpful to remember that forgiving does not equal letting those who have hurt you get away with it. It also does not mean becoming a doormat or continuing to put up with abusive treatment. Forgiveness does not mean that you want to reconcile. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness.

Steps to forgiveness:
  1. Allow yourself time. You may not feel ready to forgive just yet. Forgiveness is often more a process than an event.
  2. Talk it out. Talk to the person who has hurt you, if possible. If not, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Accept and share your feelings; be compassionate toward yourself. You have a right to feel however you feel.
  3. Request change. Set or strengthen your boundaries to reduce the possibility of repeating the hurt.
  4. Stop torturing yourself. Stop rehashing and replaying what happened over and over in your mind. Find ways to change your focus to how you want your life to be. Find healthy ways to distract yourself from focusing on the hurt.
  5. Choose to forgive. You do not have to completely understand how it works. But you do have to be willing to let go.
Forgiveness is a choice that you make, not because the other person deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve to be free of resentment and bitterness.

"My Husband and I Argue All the Time"- thoughts from a 25 year counselor

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"All couples argue," says Roland Trujillo in a recent radio interview. Read the whole interview

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.


If it is any consolation to you, arguing is very common in marriages. You could almost say that all the squabbling and arguing are "normal." I would venture to say that if a couple isn't arguing--something is wrong.

If there is silence, then it is usually an eerie silence, with buried resentment and hostility underneath. Or it's a marriage in name only (like some celebrities get married just to further their career). Or perhaps one person has completely capitulated and has become a repressed doormat.

Arguing is par for the course. Men and women are different and live in different worlds. Someone once said that a good marriage is a good fight. Yes, there will be arguments. But there is such a thing as a good fight.

A good fight is when what is right wins. A good argument is when-instead of sniping, anger, violence, or a game of one upmanship--reason prevails.


There is an ancient mystery between men and women going all the way back to the Garden of Eden. And there is a legacy of misunderstanding that is passed down from one generation to the next. It is hard to convey all I wish to say in just a few paragraphs, but I can provide a few hints to get you thinking along these lines.

Divorce is not the answer. What is needed is understanding.

Abraham Lincoln once said that two people can disagree without becoming disagreeable. Arguing, especially if done in the right way, gets things out on the table and is better that the typical eerie silence with resentment and secret hostility underneath. If one person is unreasonable--it should just draw forth more reasonableness in the other. Remember: what is right is more important than who is right. When right prevails, then it is a win-win for both.







We must also wake up to see that we have been resenting and blaming the other person. Most of us are basically selfish. We have an agenda we want to impose on the other. When our needs are not met, we become resentful and begin to look elsewhere.

The truth with love is supposed to set us free. But few of us have the love to set others free.


I once had a listener who could not understand why she so resented her husband. He was decent, hard working, honorable, always there, and kind. But he lacked something special (a love that comes through him from God). I explained to her that she was looking for something from him that he could not give. He cannot give what he does not have. This was a profound insight for her. She realized that he had not found love from God. Thus he too was empty and suffering. When he was a little boy, he was hurt and damaged; and he never fully recovered. He could not give what he did not have.

An insight like this, if realized deeply, can lead to being able, for the first time, to drop resentments against the other person.

Ladies, you cannot make a man into a man. Even if you were to succeed, he would be in your image, with you as his god.

Men, do not look for love from your wife. Give love instead. Become more fatherly. Look upon others as if they were naughty school kids. Set a good example. Be forthright, but kind. Do not have expectations as to what the other person should be like or do. Be there for your family.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.



Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 18 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years. 

Listen to Roland's 1 minute sound byte about his special offer and The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage
In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

It All Began in the Garden of Eden

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I know, people say that the Garden of Eden story is a myth.

But I can see that it is not a myth because all around I see relationships recreating the Garden scene over and over again.

We all start out thinking that our marriage will be heaven on earth, but something goes wrong.

Soon there is arguing and hurt feelings. Then a break up. Everyone suffers, especially the kids.

So I wrote a book about it.

If you can see what is going on and just what your part is in what is going wrong, you might be able to save your relationship and perhaps even live happily ever after.

Here's a little video I made on the topic.

 

Celebrate Your Partner's Success

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Celebrate Your Partner's Success

It is natural to feel disappointed if friends or loved ones fail to show interest or excitement about our successes. Many clients have expressed feeling crushed when they excitedly shared good news and their partners have simply grunted or immediately switched the focus to something else.

When something good happens for your partner do you feel happy for them or do you envy or resent their success? Is your relationship about competition or teamwork? The more you can behave as if the two of you are a team the better. Little things like acknowledging and celebrating each other’s wins or successes are crucial to strengthening your relationship. Whether it is a new job, promotion, or sports victory, your reactions and actions will either bring you closer or put a wedge between you.


If you find yourself feeling envious or resentful at your partner’s successes, it may be time to take a step back. Be compassionate toward yourself. It is okay to feel however you feel and is especially important to be honest with yourself. It can be tempting to deny those negative feelings. The problem with denying how you are feeling is that the negative emotions have a way of oozing out toward your partner either openly or sneakily. A better choice might be to be honest with your partner, “I am feeling a little envious of your success right now;” and then choose to enjoy their success anyway, “but I am super happy for you!”

Do you find yourself competing with your partner? Ask yourself, are you comparing yourself to your partner; are you allowing their success to make you feel worse about your accomplishments or lack thereof? Consider the possibility that their success simply belongs to them and does not reflect badly on you. Consider letting go of the need to compete and allow yourself to accept and appreciate your partner’s success.

Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. How are you spinning their success? Is it negative, “Of course, things always work out for her; they never work out for me”? If you are feeling angry at the success of others, some personal insecurities may be surfacing. Perhaps it would be helpful to dig a little deeper. Ask yourself, “What is it about my partner’s success that feels threatening to me?” And, “What can I do to let go of any feelings of inferiority and be more accepting and compassionate toward myself?”

Moving from a scarcity mentality, where the success of others means there is less for you; to an abundance mentality, where there is more than enough for all, will make enjoying your partner’s success much easier. Remember that your partner’s success in no way diminishes you. Choose to not go to the place of envy.

  1. The next time your partner shares good news choose to:
  2. Smile and show some excitement
  3. Show interest and ask questions
  4. Offer congratulations
  5. And help them relive the experience by being present, listening and sharing.

If this does not come naturally to you, remember it is a skill that can be learned and with practice will become easier. Choose to become your partner’s biggest supporter.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Cost Of Anger

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At times it may seem as though your anger is justified and those around you are just too sensitive. It may even feel good to release your anger and vent. It might seem that you get the respect you deserve when you let your anger out. The problem is raging is more likely to produce fear and resentment rather than respect. Anger tends to short circuit the thinking part of our brains and hinder reason and logic. Uncontrolled anger can ruin your relationship, hurt your chances of success and leave a negative impression of you on those you encounter.


Anger is a healthy emotion and can help us push through our fear to defend others or ourselves. Anger is not the problem; the problem come when the words and behaviors we use in anger are out of control.

Consider the cost of explosive anger:
  1. It hurts your opinion of yourself. Uncontrolled anger can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It can lead to feeling a loss of control. The less you feel in control of yourself the more your self-esteem suffers.
  2. It damages your mental health. Constant or frequently recurring anger will sap your energy and drain the joy from your life. Anger turned inward can result in depression; anger turned outward can increase your tendency to be verbally or otherwise abusive to those around you and greatly increase the stress in your life. You may also find it difficult to concentrate or make good decision when your anger is twisting and consuming your thoughts.
  3. It damages your relationships. Anger and hostility destroys intimacy in personal relationships. Whether it is your partner, your children or your friends, they will be more guarded and afraid to express their true feelings. It makes it difficult for others to trust and respect you.
  4. It damages your career. Verbally attacking customers, co-workers or managers may cost you your job. It will affect your reputation in the workplace and reduce the respect that others have for you.
  5. It damages your health. Living on high alert, ready to attack, puts a great deal of stress on your body. There may be a tendency to smoke, drink or eat more when you are chronically angry. You may find that you have difficulty sleeping or relaxing and your immune system may suffer. You may become more susceptible to health problems such as high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes or cancer.
  6. It destroys your peace of mind. Choosing to hold on to resentment and anger takes away your peace of mind. It definitely interferes with your ability to enjoy life; to feel happiness or joy.

The cost of letting your anger control you is a steep price to pay. If you hear from others, that your anger is causing harm, it may be time to work toward taking back control of your life. The best way to take control of your life is to learn to control youself. Learn the skills and attitudes that allow you to control your anger before it controls you.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Contact an Online Relationship Coach

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Hi, this is Roland.

Looking for help with your relationship or marriage? Some feedback from a couples coach? If you are interested in counseling or coaching

Contact me at my Liveperson office. I'm generally around a couple of hours a day for live chat. Sundays and holidays too!

The first 3 minutes are free!



Just got a quick question about hours, one of my books, or if online marriage advice is right for you?  

Look in the right sidebar for my free chat customer service link.

If it says Got a Question, click here for instant answers, it means that I am in!!



Here's my 1 minute sound byte about The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and my special offer of a free eBook as a token of my appreciation for a donation of any amount.




Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your iPhone, computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. A great introduction and good for marrieds, singles, and people in long term and short term relationships. When issues arise, this book explains the why.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.


 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book.  




Based on 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   . I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."
Amazon customer review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. .  .  . . The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."
Suzy - San Bernardino    



Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in Kindle edition

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based on 25 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 




Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from my 25 years of experience. Plus the books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help keep this blog going, you are actually paying forward to help others. I frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Want to Watch an Inspiring Movie that is about a Great and Inspirational Woman?

20:10:00 Add Comment


 From the desk of Roland.







I want to tell you about a lady with a great soul and who was a free spirit. Her name was Peace Pilgrim and she walked over 25,000 miles across America with a message of peace and love. She made friends everywhere and touched everyone's hearts and inspired everyone who met her.

Here's how I found out about this super lady.

A few months ago I went to the Goodwill Store on San Pablo Avenue in Oakland. I was enjoying some quiet time on a Sunday afternoon, browsing through their books, when a book leapt out and caught my attention. It was called Peace Pilgrim: her life and work in her own words. 

I bought the book and could not put it down.  I loved her integrity, her ideas, her philosophy, and her free spirit. 

I also found out that there is a website devoted to her. The movie about her is there to watch for free. 

Here is the link to the website dedicated to the life and work of this wonderful woman.

You can read the book there.  It has become a spiritual classic

Want to watch a good inspiring move?

Here is a documentary film about her life and ideas
Peace Pilgrim: an American Sage


 
"This is the way of peace:  Overcome evil with good,
  and falsehood with truth,  and hatred with love."
 ....Peace Pilgrim

 




Please reach out to others. There are plenty of thoughtful people out there. And there are plenty of others who feel just like you. Reach out and help someone and you will discover that your blues are gone. 











Roland Trujillo, pastor and author of 18 books, has been helping people for over 25 years. Visit his 24/7 Self help Resource Center at commonsensecounseling.org

Push Back Against Fifty Shades of Gray

10:46:00 Add Comment

Teresa Tomeo had a stirring interview yesterday February 11 about the harm of violent pornography 
with Dr. Mary Anne Laden, one of the nation's foremost authorities on sexual trauma.
Please listen to the interview.




I despise violence and particularly violence against women.


Here is some more information for parents of college students going off to college. There is said to be a culture of violence against women on some campuses nowadays which movies like this new one help to sustain.

I heard a great interview on FamilyLife Today on the radio. Dennis Rainey interviewed Mary Kassian. Her book Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild is a must read for every young lady and parents too. The interview was riveting. She emphasized the importance of setting pre established protective boundaries, so as to avoid getting into a compromising or unsafe place in the first place. She gives plenty of examples. Preview at Amazon Click here to listen to the interview.

Yesterday I heard another great interview on NPR Radio's On Point Program. If you have daughters (or sons) away at college or are contemplating sending them off to college, you must listen to this interview.

When you listen to this riveting interview you will hear from two ladies who have the stories, the facts, and the analysis that every parent with college age or soon to be college age kids will want to listen to.

For example, these ladies talk to college kids all across the country and here is what they repeatedly hear. They hear of violence and other bad things happening to women on campus. They also hear of hostile atmospheres that no one seems to be doing anything about.

For example, they said that the girls they talk to are telling them that when girls are walking around the campus they see boys looking at really heavy duty degrading things to women on their computers--openly, even in the common areas. They emphasized that this is not unusual or isolated, it is common.

One of the ladies made the comment that there is something wrong with the college culture when the morning after the night before, one person feels guilty and used and the other person is getting high fives.

Of course, every school will say they are taking it seriously, that there are policies and there are administrators and counselors and training, etc. But something doesn't add up. The statistics for violence on campuses, according to these ladies, are telling. Something is wrong. Best to become informed. Hear what these ladies and others have to say, and then make an informed decision.


I read a book by Campus psychiatrist, Dr. Miriam Grossman MD, entitled Unprotected, and it alerted me to think twice about just sending kids away and assuming that the level of care, protection, and supervision will be what you would want for your child.
Today you hear of many young people who are moving back in with their parents while going to college. Sounds like a good idea to me.

I've heard the argument made that letting kids come back home is coddling the kids, overprotecting them and so on. But you know what--if it means that your son or daughter is safe from being sexually assaulted or raped, then I'm in favor of kids staying safely with their parents a little longer.




Here are some more resources to become informed on this issue


Resources to Counter Violence against women in pornography
1. National Center on Sexual Exploitation
2. 50ShadesIsAbuse Campaign
3. Catholic Therapist Dr. Peter Kleponis & his book Integrity Restored, help for those with porn addiction & their families.
4. Covenant Eyes - Internet Accountability and Filtering
5. Old Fashioned, The Movie.
6. “Extreme Makeover; Women Transformed by Christ Not Conformed to the Culture” Teresa Tomeo
7. Matt Fradd - The Porn Effect, real help for those addicted to porn and their families.

8. Dr. Miriam Grossman, MD - How to Talk to Your Child About Fifty Shades of Grey  
9.. Shelley Lubben, former porn star, exposes the truth about pornography in this important video of her presentation about the harm to everyone involved including those who view it.




Roland Trujillo, author and radio advice program host, has been helping people with life and relationship issues for over 25 years. he is the author of 18 books 

What's Wrong with My Relationship?

07:08:00 Add Comment

 
What has gone wrong with your relationship? If you and your partner are basically good people, why are you having issues?

Could it be that you just have not been informed about how to make relationships work? Could it be that others, themselves misguided, have given yo the wrong information about life, love, and successful relationships?

Did your parents have issues in their marriage too? If they were good people, what went wrong? Maybe they too were simply misguided. 

If what I say is true, then read on (this is a free excerpt from my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage). Maybe you can still save your relationship, reduce your stress, and perhaps even live happily ever after..  

Your friend,
Roland  


Relationships make the world go around. We love people and we hate them. We want to be around them and then we want to get away from them. We can’t live with them, and we can't live without them. 


   And nowhere is this more evident than when it comes to dating, courtship, long term and short term relationships, partners and spouses.   


   First I want to say that all relationships start off with excitement and dreams of living happily ever after, and yet a large percentage end up as a living hell. Many of us saw our parents arguing and fighting and we hated it. 


   We were sure that our relationship would be different. But once we got involved with someone for awhile--sure enough, soon we were arguing—and we are lucky if it was merely arguing.  Sad to say the daily newspapers are full of stories about arguments that turn into violence or even murder.


   Something is wrong. If love turns into hatred, then it wasn’t real love to start with. It proves that what most people think of as love is not really love at all. 


   Some relationships settle into long ones. Many appear happy and fulfilling on the surface. But the truth is that many are not. Something is still wrong. Each partner suffers--he in his way, and she in her way. 


   I remember when I was a boy, my mother had some good lady friends. I was surprised and shocked by what was said about their husbands. Each wife not only openly complained about and criticized her husband, but also stated that she was secretly unhappy and unfulfilled. 


   I was shocked because in private they seemed to have contempt for their husbands, and what was said in private was quite different than what was said when the husbands were present. 


   I also got to listen in to what the husbands said when, for example, the men would go fishing while the women did something else. 


   When I was with men, I heard a different story. The men were unaware of their wife’s secret unhappiness or of their wife’s secret contempt.  The husbands thought that everything was basically okay with the marriage. 


   The men did admit that their wives never seemed to be satisfied. The wives always wanted something. They wanted him to lose weight, to stop smoking, get a better job (like some other friend’s husband had), or go to church more. The wife wanted him to improve or change in some way. 


   The wives, according to the husbands, were apparently never satisfied. They wanted a bigger house, more furniture, a vacation, or something. But when she got it, she was still not satisfied with it. Nor was she satisfied with any self improvement he made. She always found something to disapprove of. Yet the husbands were not aware of their wife’s secret unhappiness or that the wife was complaining about him behind his back. 


   The husband typically said that his wife was confusing, and he was at a loss as to what she wanted.


   But like I said, for the most part, the men thought that the relationship was basically okay. Without trying to be rude, I must say (to use an old expression) the men were “fat, dumb and happy.” They did not suspect the deep unhappiness their wives were feeling.

   Occasionally one of the husbands or wives would privately remark that they were staying together “for the sake of the kids.” 


   It seemed as though the wives were far unhappier with the husbands than vice versa. Somehow they wanted something from their husbands that they were not getting. The wives seemed to think that what was needed was better communication, intimacy and sharing that would make things right. 


    But their unhappiness and continued complaints no matter what their husband did proves that it was something deeper that they needed. 


   They could not put into words what they needed. But I can. And I will spell it out in this book.

   Their husbands could not figure out what their partners wanted. They tried everything--from flowers to champagne and hot tubs for two—but nothing seemed to satisfy the wives. 


   I will tell you husbands later what your wives really need, so keep reading.   





Roland Trujillo has been helping people with life and relationship issues for 25 years. He is the author of 18 books.

New Year Resolutions for the Relationship

09:15:00 Add Comment

New Year Resolutions for the Relationship

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”   William W Purkey

At this time of year we all look forward with, hopefully, renewed hope and enthusiasm, for what is coming. We wonder what will happen in the New Year and for most of us we are content to let what will be, be. I would suggest that for the sake of our happiness and wellbeing we don’t let that be our attitude when it comes to our relationship with our spouse. Why take a chance on maybe being happy?



Research indicates that when we make plans and set goals we more often than not exceed our expectations and we are more at ease with our life. We all have hopes and dreams for our selves and our lives together, but do we write them down, plan how to achieve them? I wonder do you know the difference between a hope or dream and a goal? The answer: a pencil.

The theme of this discussion is resolutions for the New Year. I would like to suggest that you set these a little different than you may have in the past. If you would spent some time in your head and in your heart answering the question, 'what makes this relationship so good and how can I and we contribute to making it great.' When each of you has done this individually come together and begin to make those things a plan, which you both agree on.

So how will this come to be? Hopefully with laughter, love, perhaps a little wine, and a large dose of adventure and an even larger portion of compromise. I think that compromise in relationships is the most under utilized tool we have. Think about looking at it differently; think about the freedom of compromise. Why freedom?

Just recall how stuck we can get when we each hold onto our own choice, our own agenda, that ties up a lot of energy and a good portion of the goodwill within the relationship. When you come together and promise, did you notice the play on the word compromise, come together and promise, you free up energy, time, love to be used in enjoying each other and your togetherness.

Some New Year’s resolutions that we can adopt are:
  1. Recommit to the relationship – commitment in a relationship is twofold, committing to each other and to the relationship and committing to making the relationship worth committing to, if you do that the first part is easy.
  2. Kiss – express your love in physical and non physical ways, 4 6 second hugs a day minimum, when you kiss or hug make sure you are there in that moment because if you’re not your partner will know.
  3. Make passion and romance a priority – too often we put other things, not necessarily bad things, before our love, passion is like the glue of the relationship, romance makes us feel special, loved, wanted and needed, do what is needed to fit it into the top 5 things of your to-do list.
  4. Date Night – make connections with the relationship, usually we love each other but we not always in love that is a lack of connection, regular weekly date nights take care of part of that.
  5. Laugh and play together – having fun together makes memories we can cherish in life, but also that we can use when we feel disconnected, out of sorts with each other.
  6. 30 minutes a day of undivided attention, or as my daughter-in-law says “No screens” – we need to put in the effort of daily connecting, talking, giggling, planning, without electronic interference, without kids, friends, in-laws etc.
  7. Express gratitude – tell each other a minimum of 3 things a day that you appreciate or are grateful about your spouse, to make it more intense, don’t repeat anything in a week.
  8. Work together – this is where we can really build up the bonds of the relationship and trust as well, working at projects, raising kids, chores and physical fitness as a couple helps us feel connected as well.
  9. Listen – the old saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason” is true, we should listen attentively, with compassion and empathy, active listening lets our spouse know we are involved in the conversation and in the relationship.
  10. Learn together – learning a new skill, hobby or language by itself is good for you, it can delay dementia but, learning something together reinforces that knowledge that you are equals and also you can help each other, building bonds.
  11. Praise more, criticize less – being positive is always a good thing, when you are praising your spouse regularly they feel wanted, needed and appreciated and will be more willing to return the effort.
  12. Treat your spouse better than you treat your friends – too many of us forget the age-old question; “If you treated your friends like you treat your spouse, would you have any friends,” this is the most important relationship in your life and if it’s not you should be seeking help for the relationship, so anyway, why would want to treat this person less than you would your friends, relationships require politeness, courtesy, and manners along with kindness and respect.


I believe that if we adopted these things, worked at making them true and part of our relationship habits and skills we would have healthier, longer lasting and happier relationships. Isn’t that why we get married in the first place?

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” Pablo Neruda
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