New Year Resolutions for the Relationship
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.” William W Purkey
At this time of year we all look forward with, hopefully, renewed hope and enthusiasm, for what is coming. We wonder what will happen in the New Year and for most of us we are content to let what will be, be. I would suggest that for the sake of our happiness and wellbeing we don’t let that be our attitude when it comes to our relationship with our spouse. Why take a chance on maybe being happy?
Research indicates that when we make plans and set goals we more often than not exceed our expectations and we are more at ease with our life. We all have hopes and dreams for our selves and our lives together, but do we write them down, plan how to achieve them? I wonder do you know the difference between a hope or dream and a goal? The answer: a pencil.
The theme of this discussion is resolutions for the New Year. I would like to suggest that you set these a little different than you may have in the past. If you would spent some time in your head and in your heart answering the question, 'what makes this relationship so good and how can I and we contribute to making it great.' When each of you has done this individually come together and begin to make those things a plan, which you both agree on.
So how will this come to be? Hopefully with laughter, love, perhaps a little wine, and a large dose of adventure and an even larger portion of compromise. I think that compromise in relationships is the most under utilized tool we have. Think about looking at it differently; think about the freedom of compromise. Why freedom?
Just recall how stuck we can get when we each hold onto our own choice, our own agenda, that ties up a lot of energy and a good portion of the goodwill within the relationship. When you come together and promise, did you notice the play on the word compromise, come together and promise, you free up energy, time, love to be used in enjoying each other and your togetherness.
Some New Year’s resolutions that we can adopt are:
- Recommit to the relationship – commitment in a relationship is twofold, committing to each other and to the relationship and committing to making the relationship worth committing to, if you do that the first part is easy.
- Kiss – express your love in physical and non physical ways, 4 6 second hugs a day minimum, when you kiss or hug make sure you are there in that moment because if you’re not your partner will know.
- Make passion and romance a priority – too often we put other things, not necessarily bad things, before our love, passion is like the glue of the relationship, romance makes us feel special, loved, wanted and needed, do what is needed to fit it into the top 5 things of your to-do list.
- Date Night – make connections with the relationship, usually we love each other but we not always in love that is a lack of connection, regular weekly date nights take care of part of that.
- Laugh and play together – having fun together makes memories we can cherish in life, but also that we can use when we feel disconnected, out of sorts with each other.
- 30 minutes a day of undivided attention, or as my daughter-in-law says “No screens” – we need to put in the effort of daily connecting, talking, giggling, planning, without electronic interference, without kids, friends, in-laws etc.
- Express gratitude – tell each other a minimum of 3 things a day that you appreciate or are grateful about your spouse, to make it more intense, don’t repeat anything in a week.
- Work together – this is where we can really build up the bonds of the relationship and trust as well, working at projects, raising kids, chores and physical fitness as a couple helps us feel connected as well.
- Listen – the old saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason” is true, we should listen attentively, with compassion and empathy, active listening lets our spouse know we are involved in the conversation and in the relationship.
- Learn together – learning a new skill, hobby or language by itself is good for you, it can delay dementia but, learning something together reinforces that knowledge that you are equals and also you can help each other, building bonds.
- Praise more, criticize less – being positive is always a good thing, when you are praising your spouse regularly they feel wanted, needed and appreciated and will be more willing to return the effort.
- Treat your spouse better than you treat your friends – too many of us forget the age-old question; “If you treated your friends like you treat your spouse, would you have any friends,” this is the most important relationship in your life and if it’s not you should be seeking help for the relationship, so anyway, why would want to treat this person less than you would your friends, relationships require politeness, courtesy, and manners along with kindness and respect.
I believe that if we adopted these things, worked at making them true and part of our relationship habits and skills we would have healthier, longer lasting and happier relationships. Isn’t that why we get married in the first place?
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” Pablo Neruda
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