Positive Habits = Happy Relationship

As a counselor I frequently listen to the negatives about relationships. It is gratifying when I can help people make a difference. It is much more fun to deal with positives in people’s lives. Just try this yourselves. Recall a time when you were dealing with a family member or a friend who was always negative and then think of a time when you were with someone who was excited about their life and telling you positive stories. Which experience was more fun?

I want to encourage you to create habits—create good habits in your relationship. I am going to give you some things to try, not tell you what is wrong and how to deal with it or how to fix what may need fixing in your relationship. Instead I am going to give you a challenge that will help you create the relationship you want.

First, you need to commit to putting your negative stuff on hold. So how to do this; in your imagination think of all your current issues as little blocks, just like wooden building blocks. Picture yourself gathering those blocks up and carefully placing them in a box, if you have lots of blocks get two boxes. Now take some handyman’s best friend, duct tape, and seal the box tight. Now put that box, or those boxes on the top shelf in your closet. (Aside: this is not the way to deal with your issues but for a period of time learning new skills takes precedence)

There are four new habits you need to develop. These habits include going on weekly dates, having weekly family or couple meetings, talking and touching. The purpose of implementing these habits is to start bonding with your partner on a more intimate level, and no I am not talking sexual intimacy here, although as you progress in these techniques you may feel the bonds grow sexually as well.

Dating. I know, you already do or have passed that stage in your relationship. Dating, as if you didn’t know, helps you get to know one another, have fun together, develop memories together as a couple and become more intimate. So the first habit is to schedule a date night once a week.

What makes it a date? Face to face involvement, anything works as a date as long it meets the following criteria. It must take you out of the house or apartment, last at least an hour and a half together, it must be just the two of you and the focus is on each other not something else. Thus, a movie would not be considered a date unless after or before you spend time together, maybe walking, window shopping or going for dinner as long as the focus is each other.

Habit number two is holding family or couple meetings. These are held weekly to deal with the “must do” stuff in your life. Here is where schedules are exchanged and managed. Shopping and other household duties and chores are “assigned” through negotiation. Bills and money issues are dealt with in these meetings. There should be regular weekly meetings to discuss these types of things.

If you do have this on a regular basis then there will be less to deal with daily, but there still will be some. So, when there is the need daily, or not, let each other know this is a “dealing with stuff meeting.” These meetings can be used to teach children or each other the proper way of doing things. They can take away some of the “heat” people often insert into “business,” especially money issues. Dealing with these things at a set time on a regular basis allows more room for pleasantness and happy times.

The next habit is to talk to each other every day. Talking, how dumb is that, we all talk. Yes, we all talk. The question is do we talk to or at and, as in dating, where is the focus? So the task is to start talking to each other every day for a minute or two. The topics of conversation may not include your work, your kids, family issues or other such topics. They must be fun, personal, and focused solely on building your “fun” relationship. Share a story with your lover. Email him a joke or card. Text her a, “I love you” note. Call him up and say, “Hey, I just saw, learned or heard the most interesting thing . . .”

The next thing I want you to do is find ways to touch each other all the time. This is none sexual touching. The human psyche needs human contact. It helps us maintain good mental and emotional health. Lack of touch can have serious effects on people. So caress her shoulder as you pass her in the bathroom. Touch his arm when you talk to him. You can rub each other’s feet or hold hands while watching TV. When you kiss good-bye touch each other’s face. When sitting at your parent’s dinner table, touch knees or feet. Touch, good touch, can help build bonds of intimacy as well.

Start today and practice these positive relationship habits and your life will become a little more fun.

“Anything you're good at contributes to happiness.” Bertrand Russell


Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

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