Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

If this is a decision you have been pondering there are some questions you need to ask yourself:
First, ask yourself, “Why was getting married important to me?” and “Why was our relationship important to me?”

Next, ask yourself, “Who is my partner?” What do you really know about your partner? Not in a judgmental kind of way, but have you really paid attention to his/her opinions, preferences and feelings.

Also consider, “What is my behavior in this relationship?” and “What is it like to live with me?”

This is the “why”, “who” and “what” of marriage. The interesting thing is that you get married because of the “why”, you stay because of the “who” and if you leave your relationship it will be because of the “what.” When the “what” goes wrong, you are going to want to blame your partner and once you start blaming your partner you may start to wonder if there ever was a good “why” for you to be in this relationship. But problems begin with the “what.”

Before deciding to leave, you owe it to yourself to be sure. Making a real effort to mend your relationship is the only way to be sure that it cannot be saved. To correct your relationship problems you have to start with the “what.” Take a good hard look at your behavior in your relationship. What is it that you are doing that is contributing to your problems? What could you be doing that would improve things?

Start working on making your behavior such that it strengthens rather than weakens your relationship. Start doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. Behaving in a loving way toward your partner will lead to more loving feelings toward them.

Next learn about your partner. Get curious; find out what feels loving to them and then practice showing your love to them in ways that feel loving to them. Too often we try to love our partner by doing something that feels loving to us. We can miss the mark and end up doing a Homer Simpson (giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday).

Finally, remember why your relationship and your marriage was important to you. Now take this a step further and start to visualize and get a clear picture of what it is that you want your relationship to be like. Putting your focus and attention on creating what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want will help you to keep strong the “why” of your relationship.

You owe it to yourself to be sure. Leaving is a painful, sometimes necessary process, there are times where leaving is not the answer, growing is. However, if you are in an abusive relationship ignore the previous advise and leave as quickly and safely as you can.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Positive Habits = Happy Relationship

As a counselor I frequently listen to the negatives about relationships. It is gratifying when I can help people make a difference. It is much more fun to deal with positives in people’s lives. Just try this yourselves. Recall a time when you were dealing with a family member or a friend who was always negative and then think of a time when you were with someone who was excited about their life and telling you positive stories. Which experience was more fun?

I want to encourage you to create habits—create good habits in your relationship. I am going to give you some things to try, not tell you what is wrong and how to deal with it or how to fix what may need fixing in your relationship. Instead I am going to give you a challenge that will help you create the relationship you want.

First, you need to commit to putting your negative stuff on hold. So how to do this; in your imagination think of all your current issues as little blocks, just like wooden building blocks. Picture yourself gathering those blocks up and carefully placing them in a box, if you have lots of blocks get two boxes. Now take some handyman’s best friend, duct tape, and seal the box tight. Now put that box, or those boxes on the top shelf in your closet. (Aside: this is not the way to deal with your issues but for a period of time learning new skills takes precedence)

There are four new habits you need to develop. These habits include going on weekly dates, having weekly family or couple meetings, talking and touching. The purpose of implementing these habits is to start bonding with your partner on a more intimate level, and no I am not talking sexual intimacy here, although as you progress in these techniques you may feel the bonds grow sexually as well.

Dating. I know, you already do or have passed that stage in your relationship. Dating, as if you didn’t know, helps you get to know one another, have fun together, develop memories together as a couple and become more intimate. So the first habit is to schedule a date night once a week.

What makes it a date? Face to face involvement, anything works as a date as long it meets the following criteria. It must take you out of the house or apartment, last at least an hour and a half together, it must be just the two of you and the focus is on each other not something else. Thus, a movie would not be considered a date unless after or before you spend time together, maybe walking, window shopping or going for dinner as long as the focus is each other.

Habit number two is holding family or couple meetings. These are held weekly to deal with the “must do” stuff in your life. Here is where schedules are exchanged and managed. Shopping and other household duties and chores are “assigned” through negotiation. Bills and money issues are dealt with in these meetings. There should be regular weekly meetings to discuss these types of things.

If you do have this on a regular basis then there will be less to deal with daily, but there still will be some. So, when there is the need daily, or not, let each other know this is a “dealing with stuff meeting.” These meetings can be used to teach children or each other the proper way of doing things. They can take away some of the “heat” people often insert into “business,” especially money issues. Dealing with these things at a set time on a regular basis allows more room for pleasantness and happy times.

The next habit is to talk to each other every day. Talking, how dumb is that, we all talk. Yes, we all talk. The question is do we talk to or at and, as in dating, where is the focus? So the task is to start talking to each other every day for a minute or two. The topics of conversation may not include your work, your kids, family issues or other such topics. They must be fun, personal, and focused solely on building your “fun” relationship. Share a story with your lover. Email him a joke or card. Text her a, “I love you” note. Call him up and say, “Hey, I just saw, learned or heard the most interesting thing . . .”

The next thing I want you to do is find ways to touch each other all the time. This is none sexual touching. The human psyche needs human contact. It helps us maintain good mental and emotional health. Lack of touch can have serious effects on people. So caress her shoulder as you pass her in the bathroom. Touch his arm when you talk to him. You can rub each other’s feet or hold hands while watching TV. When you kiss good-bye touch each other’s face. When sitting at your parent’s dinner table, touch knees or feet. Touch, good touch, can help build bonds of intimacy as well.

Start today and practice these positive relationship habits and your life will become a little more fun.

“Anything you're good at contributes to happiness.” Bertrand Russell


Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Kids: The Casualties of Marriage Problems

A wise man once said, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” It could also be added that the most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.

A loving marriage provides a solid foundation for your family. It is not the child who has been taught about love who knows how to love, it is the child who has experienced love who knows how to love. Unfortunately many times when marriages struggle children get caught in the cross fire.

The best way to prepare your children to enjoy a loving and fulfilling marriage, is to create for yourselves a happy and fulfilling relationship. The example that you set will have far greater effect that the words you speak.

All the time and effort that you put into helping your children be successful, by making sure they get a good education, they have opportunities to participate in sports and cultural activities, helping them to discover and develop their talents; will not mean much if you have set them up to struggle in their personal lives. How do you set them up to struggle? By struggling yourselves.

At the end of the day it is not the stuff we have accumulated or even the adventures we have participated in that bring us fulfillment. It is loving relationship that bring us fulfillment. Create for yourselves the kind of relationship you would want your children to enjoy. Become the couple that they would love to emulate.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Most marriages encounter serious crises after they have gone through a disaster of some kind.Most of such marriages end up later in divorce courts.Rescuing a marriage from failing after a disaster might seem to be a difficult challenge,but it can be done.Couples facing horrible disasters go through an intense stress that usually ends up being too much to bear.In situations like these it is important to know how to save your marriage.

Which type of disaster are we talking about?Well the disaster can range from emotional(like the death of a love one),social and even financial disasters like the economic crisis we are facing today.It can be a natural disaster or an act of hatred by some unknown entity.May be an illness attacking one of you or any thing for that matter that may be causing your world to fall apart.


Before learning how to save your marriage from any disaster it is important to know and understand that we humans are all different from each other and we act and react differently.The most obvious is the difference between how a man and a woman might handle a situation.While others are more outward and more obvious in their grieving others are rather repressive with their feelings.Accepting this and coming to understand it will help you in the long run to rescue your relationship.

Just like understanding that individuals are different,it is important to note too that grief or sadness brings out the worst in people and negative characters are often zoomed out or exaggerated.You have to understand why certain changes are taking place in the personality of your partner.You should be experiencing such changes as well.You will want to be alert in situations like these,don't excuse the behavior and don't let harmful behaviors ruin things more but understand what is happening.

The best possibilities to deal with situations like these in such critical times are,seeking the help of your priest or pastor if you are religious and counseling for those who can afford it.

For those who can not afford counseling or are not religious or those who want to simply handle the situation themselves there are other suggestions that can help you go through times like this.

*committing to each other;

By placing your commitment to each other that you will get through this as a team.That is supporting and understanding each other being a priest or therapist when you should be one or just simply being a shoulder to cry on.

*Finding a support team;

It is true that there is strength in numbers.So finding others who have gone through this,Family members or friends whom you trust and who understand the situation to help you go through this.

*Finding a reason to laugh again;

Finding a reason to laugh will not only give you a break from the stress you are going through it will actually make you feel better.So spending more time with fun loving individuals or watching those funny programs on TV will be of great help.

Saying "i do",for "better or worst",means a great deal.And this crises may just be one of those "better or worst" you promised to undergo.So it is worth going through it step by step,one day after another,after all it will only make your relationship stronger if you can and are determined to save your marriage.

Best wishes

photo by Kaymoshusband
Just got one of Michael Webs weekly mails and thought it is worth sharing this one with you.It focuses on 3 Big F's which Should not be lacking in any relationship (Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting).So if your relationship is short of any of these 3 factors then it is worth reading this article.

Most couples fight. And no, it is not healthy for a relationship
to fight (nor is it healthy to ignore problems in your marriage).
I need to define "fight." Fighting is not the same as arguing
your point or disagreeing on a matter. You can argue or disagree
without losing your temper or fighting. It becomes a fight when
either tempers flare or one person intentionally tries to hurt the
other, usually emotionally.

But the fight itself is not usually what is the most damaging to
a relationship. Like a wound that is not properly cleaned and
bandaged, injuries from a fight, if left uncared for can become
infected and even have the potential to kill a relationship.

You have probably heard of cases where men or women had a simple
infection that they ignored that eventually caused them to have a
foot, leg or arm amputated. Ignoring the wounds from a fight can
have devastating results.

If you and your partner have had a fight, here are some ways you can
"clean and bandage" the wounds so that healing will take place:

It takes two to fight. So if you have any injuries you are
partly to blame. There are rarely "innocent" victims. Admit the
role you played. Try to be the first to say "I'm sorry" for your
part in the fight, either provoking it or responding to it.

Deal with the wound as soon as is possible (before you go to
bed). The longer you let an injury remain wide open, the greater
the chances of the hurt becoming infected and the more pronounced
the scar will become.

Create a peace treaty. Really. Write down promises you can make
to each other so this same issue will not result in another fight.

Don't fixate on the ugly wound. Focus on (write down if possible)
the wonderful qualities of your mate. It is easier to forgive
those you think highly of.

Actively love the person you just fought with, even if it is
the last thing you want to do. Write love notes, slow dance, make
passionate love, etc. Love is a wonderful ointment that speeds up
the healing process.

Pray (together if at all possible) about the situation. Ask God
to heal you of your imperfections and to heal the pain you have
caused. Don't ask God to "fix" the other person.

Once you have cleaned and bandaged a wound, forget about it.
Don't be tempted to keeping peeking at the injury - it will only
slow down the healing.

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