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Mindfully Shape Your Relationship Habits

Your relationship habits set the tone for your daily interactions. Do you smile or growl at your partner in the morning? If you find that your relationship is not feeling the way you hoped it would, you may want to rethink your relationship habits. All relationships become somewhat routine. The question is: Will the rut that you have fallen into keep you connected or will it gradually pull you apart?

Consciously choosing healthy relationship habits means that those habit will help carry you though times of stress. Habits can offer you comfort and a sense of control when you are feeling frazzled.

When you mindfully shape your relationship habits you are consciously choosing your destiny. Almost half of what we do each day we do by habit. How we shower, dress, groom ourselves, what and when we eat, the route we take to work and how we interact with each other are all typically done on autopilot. Make the habits you choose serve you rather than work against you.

Think about the relationship habits you have developed; the patterns of relating that you repeat day after day. Are these habits bringing you closer together or are they chipping away at your relationship?

To mindfully shape your relationship habits decide to practice the following until they stick:

Think loving thoughts about each other. I cannot emphasize this one enough. The thoughts you think about each other will have a huge impact on the course of your relationship.
Express gratitude daily. Feeling gratitude warms you heart; expressing gratitude will help warm your partner’s heart.
Touch daily: cuddle, snuggle, and touch non-sexually. Touch is an important part of the bonding process.
Work together as a team. Seeing yourselves as team will mean less finger pointing and more cooperation as you meet life’s challenges.
Spend quality and quantity time. Both are important and allow you to consistently reconnect with each other. Create the mindful habit of spending time together actually noticing each other. Make sure that for at least a few minutes each day you see each other and are fully present with each other.
Give gifts of love; know each other. Gifts of love may be gifts or treasures, loving words, generous actions, quality time or kind deeds. Choose to love your partner in a way that feels loving to your partner.
Say nice things about your partner. How you talk about your partner to others will impact your relationship. Choose to focus on the positive.
Protect screen free time each day. Create an uninterrupted space of time for the two of you to connect each day.
Be active together. Go for a walk, play a sport, putter in the garden or go for a bike ride. Increasing your physical health together may help you feel closer, increase your energy and possibly improve your intimacy.
Always be respectful. No matter how you may be feeling in a moment, it is helpful to remember, that you love each other and treat each other accordingly.
Be generous and find opportunities to help each other. It is the little things that are actually the big things in relationships. Consistent little choices to be generous will protect your relationship from the inside out.
Practice acceptance. So much stress in your relationships may simply melt away if you were willing to accept each other as you are.

You will live most of your life by habit. When you mindfully shape your relationship habits, you can make your habits work for you rather than against you.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

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Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

If you are harboring unrealistic expectations, it is only a matter of time before they damage your relationship. Unrealistic expectations set you up for huge disappointment and lead to discouragement and an unnecessary sense of failure. It is not what happens in your relationship, but how you spin it for yourself that causes great pain.

Say for example you hold the expectation that you should always feel madly in love. It is inevitable that life will get in the way and there may be some days where you do not even particularly like each other. If you draw the false conclusion that this means you are not good enough or that maybe you were never in love, then your relationship will begin to falter. You will likely start to think negatively about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You may begin to act negatively toward your partner. These choices of thoughts and behaviors start to reinforce your false conclusion. The tendency then is often to avoid working on your issues and avoid seeking help. It is helpful to recognize that great relationships require consistent effort, respect, kindness and forgiveness, even when things are going well.

How do you know if your expectations are unrealistic? This may not be easy since your expectations probably seem perfectly reasonable to you.

Signs that you may be harboring an unrealistic expectation:

You are continually disappointed that your expectation has not been met. When you notice a pattern of repeated disappointment, it may be time to carefully consider your expectation and whether it is completely realistic.
You are trying to control something that is not within your control
You are assuming or mind reading.
Your expectations make it not okay to be who you are.
Your expectations make it not okay for your partner to be who they are.

It can be difficult to let go of unrealistic expectations. You may believe that you have to keep your standards high in order to motivate yourself or to protect yourself. It is helpful to distinguish between high standards, which are worth striving for and unrealistic expectations, which lead to discouragement. High standards are based on principles like honesty, virtue and integrity. Unrealistic expectations are frequently based on fears that you are not enough or not lovable or not smart enough or other variations.

To let go of unrealistic expectations try using the following:

Be compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Be willing to communicate honestly, without blaming. (I felt hurt because I thought . . .)
Get curious about the origin of your expectations. Become a bit of a detective and do some soul searching.
Be flexible, notice when you are using ‘my way or the highway’ tactics. Perhaps your partner is not wrong, just different.
Watch your self-talk. Reflect on how you would talk to a friend in this situation.
Consider the consequence of hanging on to a particular expectation. What is the cost to you and to your relationship? Consciously decide to let go of expectations that are harming rather than helping you.
Use your sense of humor. Visualize your expectations as if you were in a sitcom or cartoon. Learn to laugh at how unrealistic they are.

Replacing your unrealistic expectations with more realistic expectations may help you think more positively about your relationship. You may start to behave more positively toward your partner and your relationship will be strengthened.

Forgiveness Heals Relationships

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Forgiveness Heals Relationships

It is inevitable that you will be hurt in a love relationship, in fact, the closer your relationship the greater your chances of hurting each other. Little hurts will happen often. She doesn’t listen when you want to share something important. He is home late from work. You judge each other and say things that you regret. Resentment builds and the relationship becomes strained.

The building resentment starts to poison your relationship. You begin to avoid spending time with each other. You start criticizing your partner to others. You may reject your partner’s efforts to reconnect. If this resentment is left unchecked separation and divorce too often are the result.

The fact that you feel hurt in your relationship does not mean that your relationship is doomed. Even a healthy relationship has its hic-ups. What helps to keep the relationship healthy is the willingness to forgive and let go of the hurt.

It is also critical to be aware that some of the pain you feel may be the result of emotional wounds inflicted in childhood or in previous relationships. Forgiving those who have harmed you in the past can free you to be more fully present in your current relationship.

For those who struggle with forgiving, it is helpful to remember that forgiving does not equal letting those who have hurt you get away with it. It also does not mean becoming a doormat or continuing to put up with abusive treatment. Forgiveness does not mean that you want to reconcile. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness.

Steps to forgiveness:

Allow yourself time. You may not feel ready to forgive just yet. Forgiveness is often more a process than an event.
Talk it out. Talk to the person who has hurt you, if possible. If not, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Accept and share your feelings; be compassionate toward yourself. You have a right to feel however you feel.
Request change. Set or strengthen your boundaries to reduce the possibility of repeating the hurt.
Stop torturing yourself. Stop rehashing and replaying what happened over and over in your mind. Find ways to change your focus to how you want your life to be. Find healthy ways to distract yourself from focusing on the hurt.
Choose to forgive. You do not have to completely understand how it works. But you do have to be willing to let go.

Forgiveness is a choice that you make, not because the other person deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve to be free of resentment and bitterness.

"My Husband and I Argue All the Time"- thoughts from a 25 year counselor

"All couples argue," says Roland Trujillo in a recent radio interview. Read the whole interview

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.

If it is any consolation to you, arguing is very common in marriages. You could almost say that all the squabbling and arguing are "normal." I would venture to say that if a couple isn't arguing--something is wrong.

If there is silence, then it is usually an eerie silence, with buried resentment and hostility underneath. Or it's a marriage in name only (like some celebrities get married just to further their career). Or perhaps one person has completely capitulated and has become a repressed doormat.

Arguing is par for the course. Men and women are different and live in different worlds. Someone once said that a good marriage is a good fight. Yes, there will be arguments. But there is such a thing as a good fight.

A good fight is when what is right wins. A good argument is when-instead of sniping, anger, violence, or a game of one upmanship--reason prevails.

There is an ancient mystery between men and women going all the way back to the Garden of Eden. And there is a legacy of misunderstanding that is passed down from one generation to the next. It is hard to convey all I wish to say in just a few paragraphs, but I can provide a few hints to get you thinking along these lines.

Divorce is not the answer. What is needed is understanding.

Abraham Lincoln once said that two people can disagree without becoming disagreeable. Arguing, especially if done in the right way, gets things out on the table and is better that the typical eerie silence with resentment and secret hostility underneath. If one person is unreasonable--it should just draw forth more reasonableness in the other. Remember: what is right is more important than who is right. When right prevails, then it is a win-win for both.

We must also wake up to see that we have been resenting and blaming the other person. Most of us are basically selfish. We have an agenda we want to impose on the other. When our needs are not met, we become resentful and begin to look elsewhere.

The truth with love is supposed to set us free. But few of us have the love to set others free.

I once had a listener who could not understand why she so resented her husband. He was decent, hard working, honorable, always there, and kind. But he lacked something special (a love that comes through him from God). I explained to her that she was looking for something from him that he could not give. He cannot give what he does not have. This was a profound insight for her. She realized that he had not found love from God. Thus he too was empty and suffering. When he was a little boy, he was hurt and damaged; and he never fully recovered. He could not give what he did not have.

An insight like this, if realized deeply, can lead to being able, for the first time, to drop resentments against the other person.

Ladies, you cannot make a man into a man. Even if you were to succeed, he would be in your image, with you as his god.

Men, do not look for love from your wife. Give love instead. Become more fatherly. Look upon others as if they were naughty school kids. Set a good example. Be forthright, but kind. Do not have expectations as to what the other person should be like or do. Be there for your family.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Rola

nd Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 18 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

Listen to Roland's 1 minute sound byte about his special offer and The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage
In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

It All Began in the Garden of Eden

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I know, people say that the Garden of Eden story is a myth.

But I can see that it is not a myth because all around I see relationships recreating the Garden scene over and over again.

We all start out thinking that our marriage will be heaven on earth, but something goes wrong.

Soon there is arguing and hurt feelings. Then a break up. Everyone suffers, especially the kids.

So I wrote a book about it.

If you can see what is going on and just what your part is in what is going wrong, you might be able to save your relationship and perhaps even live happily ever after.

Here's a little video I made on the topic.

Celebrate Your Partner's Success

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Celebrate Your Partner's Success

It is natural to feel disappointed if friends or loved ones fail to show interest or excitement about our successes. Many clients have expressed feeling crushed when they excitedly shared good news and their partners have simply grunted or immediately switched the focus to something else.

When something good happens for your partner do you feel happy for them or do you envy or resent their success? Is your relationship about competition or teamwork? The more you can behave as if the two of you are a team the better. Little things like acknowledging and celebrating each other’s wins or successes are crucial to strengthening your relationship. Whether it is a new job, promotion, or sports victory, your reactions and actions will either bring you closer or put a wedge between you.

If you find yourself feeling envious or resentful at your partner’s successes, it may be time to take a step back. Be compassionate toward yourself. It is okay to feel however you feel and is especially important to be honest with yourself. It can be tempting to deny those negative feelings. The problem with denying how you are feeling is that the negative emotions have a way of oozing out toward your partner either openly or sneakily. A better choice might be to be honest with your partner, “I am feeling a little envious of your success right now;” and then choose to enjoy their success anyway, “but I am super happy for you!”

Do you find yourself competing with your partner? Ask yourself, are you comparing yourself to your partner; are you allowing their success to make you feel worse about your accomplishments or lack thereof? Consider the possibility that their success simply belongs to them and does not reflect badly on you. Consider letting go of the need to compete and allow yourself to accept and appreciate your partner’s success.

Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. How are you spinning their success? Is it negative, “Of course, things always work out for her; they never work out for me”? If you are feeling angry at the success of others, some personal insecurities may be surfacing. Perhaps it would be helpful to dig a little deeper. Ask yourself, “What is it about my partner’s success that feels threatening to me?” And, “What can I do to let go of any feelings of inferiority and be more accepting and compassionate toward myself?”

Moving from a scarcity mentality, where the success of others means there is less for you; to an abundance mentality, where there is more than enough for all, will make enjoying your partner’s success much easier. Remember that your partner’s success in no way diminishes you. Choose to not go to the place of envy.

The next time your partner shares good news choose to:
Smile and show some excitement
Show interest and ask questions
Offer congratulations
And help them relive the experience by being present, listening and sharing.

If this does not come naturally to you, remember it is a skill that can be learned and with practice will become easier. Choose to become your partner’s biggest supporter.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Cost Of Anger

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At times it may seem as though your anger is justified and those around you are just too sensitive. It may even feel good to release your anger and vent. It might seem that you get the respect you deserve when you let your anger out. The problem is raging is more likely to produce fear and resentment rather than respect. Anger tends to short circuit the thinking part of our brains and hinder reason and logic. Uncontrolled anger can ruin your relationship, hurt your chances of success and leave a negative impression of you on those you encounter.

Anger is a healthy emotion and can help us push through our fear to defend others or ourselves. Anger is not the problem; the problem come when the words and behaviors we use in anger are out of control.

Consider the cost of explosive anger:

It hurts your opinion of yourself. Uncontrolled anger can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It can lead to feeling a loss of control. The less you feel in control of yourself the more your self-esteem suffers.
It damages your mental health. Constant or frequently recurring anger will sap your energy and drain the joy from your life. Anger turned inward can result in depression; anger turned outward can increase your tendency to be verbally or otherwise abusive to those around you and greatly increase the stress in your life. You may also find it difficult to concentrate or make good decision when your anger is twisting and consuming your thoughts.
It damages your relationships. Anger and hostility destroys intimacy in personal relationships. Whether it is your partner, your children or your friends, they will be more guarded and afraid to express their true feelings. It makes it difficult for others to trust and respect you.
It damages your career. Verbally attacking customers, co-workers or managers may cost you your job. It will affect your reputation in the workplace and reduce the respect that others have for you.
It damages your health. Living on high alert, ready to attack, puts a great deal of stress on your body. There may be a tendency to smoke, drink or eat more when you are chronically angry. You may find that you have difficulty sleeping or relaxing and your immune system may suffer. You may become more susceptible to health problems such as high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes or cancer.
It destroys your peace of mind. Choosing to hold on to resentment and anger takes away your peace of mind. It definitely interferes with your ability to enjoy life; to feel happiness or joy.

The cost of letting your anger control you is a steep price to pay. If you hear from others, that your anger is causing harm, it may be time to work toward taking back control of your life. The best way to take control of your life is to learn to control youself. Learn the skills and attitudes that allow you to control your anger before it controls you.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine