Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book. 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better? What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

Now available in Kindle!

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in Kindle edition

Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Hi, my name is Roland. Here is an excerpt from one of my books. After you read it I will tell you how you can talk to me. Now I have free live chat for customer service questions! 


"Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty."



You can text a question or ask a  question at Liveperson


 He started his radio show in San Francisco 25 years ago. Every since, he has volunteered his time and effort to help people.


Got a question about a relationship? Dating and courtship? Marriage? Improving communication and healing a relationship?

You  have probably already guessed that this is by far Roland's most popular  blog!

People come from all over the world who are having relationship  and marriage issues. At his blog you will find (in the right sidebar)  links to his most popular articles and posts.



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Now we have free customer service live chat too! Just look in the right sidebar for your customer service questions and click on the link


 


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Are you looking for ultra confidential counseling online?

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Want to talk to Roland by live chat?  Go to his Liveperson Virtual Office.

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Did you know that an email consultation starts at only $10.00



Save money and schedule a consultation from the convenience of your home or office. 

Since it is pay per minute, you are in charge of how long a session is. Get an answer right away. Talk to someone who has been helping people for 24 years. 



Click here to visit my Liveperson Virtual Office. Hope to hear from you soon!








Please be advised that online counseling is not appropriate for all issues. Nor is it a substitute for face to face counseling with your mental health professional or spiritual care giver. 

Online counseling is not for you if you are under 18, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, if this is an emergency, if you are having psychotic symptoms, if you are presently under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or if there is domestic violence or abuse. Before contacting us, read this important information first about getting immediate help.

 


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 Do you and your partner fight all the time? You might be more compatible than you think.

Take the free compatibility test.




The following is a transcription of a radio interview of Dr. Roland Trujillo by Mike Simon recorded a couple of years ago.
Mike: Welcome to the program. Today we have a real treat. My guest in the studio is Dr. Roland Trujillo and we're going to talk about fighting in relationships. First of all, welcome Dr. Trujillo, what shall I call you?

A. Thanks for inviting me. Just call me Roland, please.

Q. Okay, Roland. I'd like to give the listening audience a little biographical information first. If I get something wrong, please correct me.

A. Sure.

Q. It says here that you have a Masters Degree in Human Relations and a Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology. Is that right.

A. Yes. But what I have to say is based on observation and intuition. And I always ask people to run what I have to say by their common sense. I don't want people to be wowed or awed by the degrees.

Q. We have a very intelligent audience, so get ready for some tough questions.

A. I look forward to it.

Q. I want to get right to the important stuff so I'll just say that you have had a radio advice program for 25 years, taught graduate and undergraduate courses for 18 years, have written 16 books and have three blogs dedicated to relationships. Is that right?

A. I've been busy haven't I?

Q. (laughter) Indeed. And finally, are you married and do you have kids?

A. Yes, we will soon celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary, and our son is in college.

Q. Great. Okay, here goes. What percentage of couples argue?

A. 100 percent. Let me explain. Somewhere along the line all couples argue.

Mike. 100 percent?

Roland: That's right. But there are a couple of qualifications. First, I have to rule out the marriages on paper only--you know, the so -called marriages of convenience like the Hollywood stars used to do for publicity purposes.

Secondly, I have to say that in about half the marriages, one side wimps out and then keeps quiet for peace (so the kids don't see arguing for example).

But I like to talk about the rule rather than the exception. Most relationships have lots of fighting interspersed with periods of calm. In fact, the average marriage begins with bliss, then vying for power in a game of ego one upsmanship, then when the halo effect wears off and the couple settles down to reality, there are good times and bad times, with a series of arguments and making up.

Some marriages eventually settle down into a modus vivendi where one side tends to give in most of the time, and on the surface everything looks fine but there are resentments and unfinished business underneath.

Mike: Wow. You just described my parents' marriage. Dad was kind of quiet. He let Mom be pretty much in charge of everything. He didn't say much. Mom complained about Dad quite a bit. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage. But I have to say that Mom told us kids that she was unhappy.

Roland: Well, there you go. So what I am trying to do is help people like your mom and dad. In other words, basically good people. Since they are both good people, it is a shame that they should be secretly unhappy. I want them to be happy and stay married. "Married happily ever after" is what I would like to see and I think it is possible.

Mike: Roland, I have to tell you that I'm married. My wife is wonderful and we've been married 6 years. I do find myself clamming up quite a bit.

Roland: Do you have kids?

Mike: Yes. We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old.

Roland: And you don't want the kids to see you fighting, so you tend to give in for peace?

Mike: That's right.

Roland: Now you know what your Dad felt like! But for every dad that clams up for peace there are moms who do the same thing. And can you see that if you are--pardon me I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying this because it might help some of your listeners. . . .

Mike: Sure.

Roland: . . . . if you become wimpy by failing to speak up, you give her the power and she becomes in charge. When things go wrong, you can secretly blame her. But can you see how saddling her with the responsibility and failing to be strong in a fatherly sort of way--she is tempted to resent you and have contempt for your wimpiness?

Mike: Wow.

Roland: Then in your weakness, you eventually become just like your dad and she will be unhappy just like your mom!

Mike: I think it's time for a break! (laughter) When we get back I will open the lines for callers.
We've got about a minute before the break. Is there anything you would like to add?

Roland: Yes, Mike. I have to say that my biggest disappointment has been the way most visitors to my blog just show up for about 15 seconds and then leave.

Mike: Why is that?

Answer: It's because that's the average time that people stay at one place before they click on something else. But here I am with all these resources and help, and they miss it.

Mike: If there were one thing that you would like them to know before they leave, what is it?

A. That resentment underlies 99% of the negative emotions in a relationship. That's why I make people aware of the underlying dynamics, so that they can see, really see what is going on. They will then be able to have some compassion for their partner and for themselves. They will also see that we are all in the same boat, and understanding will help them forgive their parents too.

Mike: Go a head we have another minute before our break.

Roland: I love couples. I think relationships are the greatest thing, and I am saddened when I see little disagreements and hurt feelings between two good people snowball into big unfinished business or even divorce. Marriage was not meant to be a picnic, but it is an ideal setting within which to bring children into the world and in which to learn to be unselfish.

I think I can quickly help ailing relationships by pointing out somethings that very few other counselors really understand or even know about. Moreover I know what people can do to solve their issues and start loving and appreciating each other again. I'm not bragging. I'm just being honest.

Mike: In the 30 seconds we have left, give me a couple of examples of things most counselors don't know about.

Roland: for one thing: resentment. It is absolutely the most overlook thing that contributes to unhealthy arguments and breakups. Arguing is not a bad thing necessarily. Like I said we all argue. In fact, if it gets things out on the table, and people can have an animated discussion without resentment--it can be positive. Getting back to resentment--most people do not realize how destructive it is. Many don't even know they are resentful. And when they discover it, they don't know how to give it up.

We're running out of time, so I want to mention Adam and Eve.

Mike: Adam and Eve!?

Roland: That's right. Read my books and your eyes will be opened. You will see that you and your partner are Adam and Eve redux. After over 20 years of helping couples, I can see how we all repeat the old Garden of Eden story, and then what started off as a marriage made in Heaven becomes just the opposite.

Mike: We're out of time. How do they get your book.

Roland: It will soon be at Amazon.com. But right now it is available in eBook. Just go to my Healing Relationships website and there are links to preview it there.

Mike: Thanks Roland.


.


"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.



 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 17 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

I passed through an open court food area where there were food outlets around the walls and a large area with many tables in the middle. I saw a dad, a mom and a college age son sitting at one table. The dad was talking and they were listening. I went away and returned an hour later. He was still talking and they were still listening.

I marveled at what I was seeing. In 95% of such occasions, the wife is doing all the talking, perhaps with kids joining in, and dad sits silently.

I was a bit jealous to see how his wife sat and listened to him with rapt attention. It reminded me of 30 years ago, when my wife and I were courting. She used to listen to me talk. Little did I realize at the time how short lived those halcyon days would be. Now she is under a compulsion to judge everything I do as wrong. She can't help herself. My job is to not resent her, point things out if I need to, be there for her, and make sure that I am a right person. If I am a right person--honorable, principled, wise, patient, and not weak and not angry--there will nothing to judge.She may still judge me, but at least I will not be a temptation through wrongness or weakness.

Getting back to the husband, wife and son that I saw--of course, there is always the possibility that the husband I was observing is somewhat of a tyrant, so they might be humoring him (but wishing he would stop talking). That would not be good.

But if he is respectable and has important things to say--and they love and respect him and willingly listen--that is beautiful, but rare.

The point I am making is that most wives are very verbal, and the husband not so much so. She does the talking, and he nods in agreement. But be careful, because after a couple decades of this--she becomes everything and he becomes nothing. And she is not happy with that either.

The typical situation, which is all too common, is where the man has shut down and says little. He lets her go on and on, and he may not even interrupt with any comment. One man said " My wife talks at 90 miles an hour with gusts up to 120."

Of course, the wife will often complain "my husband does not talk to me."

Do you see the irony?   

Either extreme is probably not so good--like where he never talks, or where he always talks too much. Maybe something in the middle--like 50/50 would be better.

However, I have to say that if he were really the George Washington of the family--wise, principled, thoughtful, and full of agape love--it is his job to be the teacher, the leader, the wise dispenser of wisdom and understanding.

A man ought to be the center of the family. In most homes, the wife is the center. If he were wise and full of understanding, then his family would come to him and would want to hear what he has to say.

If they have to try to coax him to talk, or about all he has to talk about is sports or food, or if she is his boss wife and he is expected to listen and obey--the roles have been reversed.

If this is the case, then there will undoubtedly be plenty of resentment to go around. The kids will resent dad too. They can tell when dad is a wimp or dumps everything on mom, including holding up a conversation. They will resent him for his weakness.

When a man is weak or wimpy, or if he makes being liked more important than principle, he will soon become a doormat. If he is like a big kid and needs someone to mother him, then she will dominate him.

If he walks around on egg shells, afraid to offend, because he does not want to lose his perks and his sex fix, she will have contempt for him. Then she will feel guilty for the resentment and will try to make up for it (blaming herself) and she will be too nice, tempting him to take advantage of her guilt. 

Of course, his weakness tempts her to take change. There is a vacuum created by his abdication, and any woman worth her salt will rise to the occasion. She will resent him however, because deep down she may want him to be the noble knight, responsible, principled, and wise, so that she does not have to be saddled with the responsibility for everything.

On the one hand, she may like the power, but on the other hand, she resents having to be the responsible one.

Soon she is in charge of everything--finances, schooling, taking the kids to church, after school sports, even repairs around the house. He thinks he is in hog heaven--she takes care of everything, and he can be the irresponsible big kid--concerned with gambling, sports, and foolishness while she has all the responsibility. Meanwhile the family is suffering.  

If he is a good provider, he goes to work and brings home the paycheck. But sadly, many such decent men think that just bringing home a paycheck is all that is required. He does not realize that he has to be there for his family--not as a workhorse and not as a big kid--but as the Moses of his family.

It is sad to see many homes where dad is a decent guy and a good provider--but he is weak. The kids resent him, and both son and daughter are likely to have issues because of the resentment toward their weak father. Many such men go to their grave and never understand what went wrong, and what was required of them more than just being popular. 

Of course, he won't know this when he is young, and he will be a weak people pleaser and let her be in charge. But eventually as the family goes to rack and ruin, and when she suffers and wants something from him, he will be given the opportunity to sober up from his sex and sports, and if he does, he will have to search within for the wisdom and patient strength that he does not now have, but needs for his family.

Alas, many men will resent the family and leave. Others will become angry and wrong. Others will secretly resent her and sit around and say nothing.

But some men will wake up and realize they have not been there for the family. He will begin to mature, and with time, will become the noble knight she and the kids needs him to be.

Soooo, ladies. What to do? If your husband does not talk to you, first stand back and make sure that you are not such a force that you are overpowering him. For example, many men shut down and won't share anything with his partner because he does not want to be judged.

I was recently talking to a man who got a traffic ticket. When he shared this with his wife, she told him he should not drive and should ride a bike. In other words she judged and blamed him. Her mother chimed in and backed up the wife--both agreeing that he should ride a bike, or as the mother in law suggested, walk to work.

He may never tell her anything again.

Make sure that you are not emasculating him by quickly rushing to do things out of resentment, instead of graciously demurring, so that he has a chance to do it himself. Of course, some men are so weak that they will never do what needs to be done, but it is possible that he became that way through a steady diet of criticism and judgment.

Give him the space to lead. And if he does lead but things don't work out perfectly, refrain from secret or open judgments like "I knew he would mess up. I should have done it myself." 

Some women always have to be right. He will eventually shut down and say to himself "let her be right." Then he will sit back on the catbird seat and secretly wait for her to mess up. The roles are reversed. He is the resentful wife husband, and she is the husband wife, with him judging as wrong everything she does. 

I recently saw an article in a popular woman's magazine entitled about "how to communicate with your husband." The article turned out to be about how to make him do what you want.

Don't be manipulative. If you let him do things or pretend that he is in charge, you are still in charge. I'm not saying that you can't be in charge of some things, but I am saying that his role, as husband and father, is to be in charge of some very important things. Make sure that he has the space to find himself. He may not. But you can't know, as long as you rush to judge and rush to take charge.

You cannot make a man into a man. If you try, all you might get is a weak man in your image. And you will not be happy with the result.

Now as far as you men go, do I need to spell it out for you?  If you are married and have kids, it is too late to be just a big kid. Marriage is not a pleasure party. It is a framework in which to work out your differences and learn to be unselfish. Your wife and kids need you to be a man--to stand for something, to have patience, courage and wisdom. If you are angry, you are weak. If you are resentful, you are weak. If you are a people pleaser, you are weak.

See that much is required of you. Don't look for support from anyone, including your wife. Reach within and find the inner strength and love to be there for your family. When you become right, then you will one day find your family coming to you for advice and counsel because they respect you. 

I often talk to young couples about the importance of "leaving and cleaving"--in other words, leaving home and joining to your new partner. Leaving and cleaving is how the Bible describes leaving home and getting married.

Making a clean break and building a separate space for the two of you is the main protection from intrusive or manipulative in-laws (especially parents).

If problems have already developed, the principles for dealing with any controlling people apply--namely, dropping resentment, speaking up calmly, and not getting into no-win arguments. However, I also need to add some extra help for the issue of nosy and manipulative in-laws.

Let's suppose, for example, that you are the fiancee who is feeling pressure from his parents. Once you have let go of resentment and spoken openly with your potential husband about your concerns-after that, I cannot tell you, for example, whether to proceed and get married or not. I am not in your shoes, nor do I know your boyfriend or his parents.

But with a clear unemotional perspective, unclouded by anger or resentment, you will be able to gather information, assess the situation, and do the right thing. Although I cannot give specific advice I can give you some guidelines.

I am addressing this article to young adults dealing with confusing, manipulative, controlling or even downright bossy parents. Other in-laws can make trouble for a marriage too, but let's be honest--the issue is most often with your partner's parents. Everything I have said about letting go of resentment obviously applies when dealing with your partner's parents.

In fact, if you resent your own mom or your dad, you will remain trapped in the conformity and rebellion mode. The past will keep cropping up in all your future relationships, especially with your spouse. Unless you forgive your parents, you are destined to become just like them or marry someone just like them and then be to your kids what they were to you.

The focus of this article is coping with manipulative or intrusive in-laws. So you need to know that if you resent your parents, you will not be able to deal in a mature way with your partner's parents either.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that all parents are confusing--just most of them. I'm not saying that all families are dysfunctional--just most of them. That's why many readers appreciate this article--because I am addressing issues that they are dealing with.

If you are like many people, you can relate to what I am saying because you know some parents or in-laws who are confusing, intrusive, or bossy. Besides, many of us have had parents who were good people and who did the best they could; yet they failed us in some way, and we resented them.

In fact, even if you had had saintly parents, you probably would have resented them anyway (for not letting you have your way, for example). So if they were decent but you judged them a bit harshly, then letting go of resentment still makes excellent sense.

By letting go of resentment, your relationship with your parents will improve and you will be able to deal gracefully and maturely with your new in-laws.

Now that I have covered the importance of letting go of resentment, let me lay down some more general guidelines. As a young person, it is good to start your own life. You can't remain dependent on your parents forever, nor can you remain tied to them forever. You won't grow.

To grow, you need to get out on your own, earn a living, build a career and one day a family, and develop your skills.

When I see grown kids and a parent who are too emotionally close, I suspect a co-dependent relationship based on resentment that has them both trapped by guilt.

The parent is guilty for manipulating and smothering the child. The adult child who has not left home is guilty for buried and suppressed resentment.

Neither is free to speak the truth, and neither has the love to set the other free. On the surface they are close, but it is out of guilt to cover layer upon layer of resentment.

This is not to say that a parent and child cannot be friends, respectful, and considerate of each other. Of course they can. It is a beautiful thing when an adult child has a noble and wise parent to whom he or she can turn for advice and counsel. But this is a far cry from guilt and dependency.

I am saying that when a young person who should be going out to start his or her life is hanging back and clinging to parents in an enmeshing or dependent way, and they are too emotionally close, it is not good, especially if you are engaged or a newlywed.

Click here to read the whole article




Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 17 books.His radio advice program airs in Southern California and is now in its 25th year.








Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.