Whether those friendships are couples friendships or individual friendships, high-quality friendships are good for your health. Having good friends means that you have someone to talk to, someone who helps you enjoy the happy times and survive the tough times. This support decreases your stress and increases your sense of well-being.

What keeps us from having close friendships? The following are some possible obstacles to developing close friendships:
• Laziness or Busyness – It could be either that we keep ourselves so busy that there is no time for building friendships or that we cannot be bothered to put in the effort required to make and keep friends.
• Past hurts – perhaps you have been hurt in the past. You may have had a friend or friends who stabbed you in the back and you may feel reluctant to put yourself in a vulnerable position again.
• Fears – there are several fears that could get in the way. The fear that you are not good enough or that people would not want to be your friend; the fear of rejection; or the fear being vulnerable or of letting someone get close to you.

Popular wisdom suggests that to make a friend you must be a friend. Great friendships include acceptance, honesty, shared enjoyment, and mutual respect. As you set out to make friends or strengthen your friendships, here are some points to consider:
• Friendships take time to grow and develop.
• Be trustworthy. Never break a confidence.
• Healthy boundaries are important. Too much sharing or dependency can end up suffocating the relationship.
• Lighten up and enjoy your sense of humor.
• Listen. You have two ears and one mouth: use them accordingly.
• Talk. Do not ignore problems. Talk them through and fix them. Apologize when you are wrong.
• Be willing to forgive. If you are real with each other, hurt feelings are always a possibility. Do not take things too personally and be willing to cut each other some slack.
• Make the effort to stay in touch with old friends.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C. C.P. C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course 

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Myths

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen! - John Godfrey Saxe -

“All is fair in love and war” is a myth that can get us into a lot of trouble. In my years of counseling I have never seen an injury or hurt between individuals in a couple relationship that was deemed fair by either of the two just because they were in love. When I was growing up there used to be a little cartoon couple who were naked and were supposed to represent a loving couple. The caption always started with “Love means…” and ended with some cute little platitude. One of these captions I remember most because even as a teenager it just seemed not quite right was ”Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”


I have often wondered as a counselor what else have we been taught by poets, well-minded friends, loving family and caring friends. Some people have been taught to believe that having different opinions as a couple means one of them is wrong, others understand that to have disagreements, fights even, is the sign of a relationship in trouble. On my wedding day my great-grandfather, whom I love and respect dearly, told us that we should never go to bed angry or unhappy with each other.



If we believed and followed that in our early years we never would have gotten any sleep at all. In marriages there is a transition period. That first few months to a year where we each learn about the real life person we are married to. To learn to adapt, compromise and accept the other as they are. One of the things I have learned and try to teach is this: “Courtship behavior is one of the biggest lies there is.”


Really. Just think about what is going on during courting. We are trying to win over, impress, and prove our love for the other. So are we going to have major disputes over things we disagree on, not likely. We will save that until after we are safely married. As an individual courting another we will do almost anything to win them over and we will not do things that we know will cause them to run. But, usually after a short time married we revert to being exactly who we are, hopefully there is not much difference.


So what are some of the things that we have been taught that are true and helpful in a relationship? One of the best is taught in just about every religious belief in the world; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s right, live your married life by the golden rule. Another is what Christ taught, to love your neighbor as yourself. “The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer -

This quote is so true, as a counselor I have come to understand and believe that we have to love and respect ourselves before we can love and respect others, or they can love and respect us. If we do not know how to love ourselves how then can we expect to know how to love another? Life as a couple is so much easier when we know, understand and love ourselves and each other. Love does mean having to say you are sorry. It means realizing and working on our own shortfalls not pointing out our partner’s.


Also, there are a lot of things that are not fair just because we are in love. Saying hurtful things to each other because we feel they are true or that we are just trying to help is not fair. Withholding our affection and love because we have been hurt or wronged is not fair and is the start of a long, hard, painful path to major problems. Just because we are “right” doesn’t mean we can inflict humiliation, disrespect or pain upon our spouse.


Being in a mature and loving relationship does not mean there will never be conflict or disagreements or differences of opinions. In fact, it ensures that there will be. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and that is not a bad thing. It speaks to how much love, understanding and respect there is in the relationship. Maturity allows both parties to be themselves and to have their own opinions, likes and dislikes. Mutual respect ensures safety for both to say, believe and disagree where they wish with no withholding of love.


Mature relationships foster respect, tolerance and understanding. In a relationship with the are the above mentioned attitudes, going to bed with unfinished business is not only acceptable but often necessary. Work schedules, business, fatigue and children require us to be at the top of our game and we need our sleep. So, let’s make our relationship a place where we can say “Time out, I need to sleep. Let’s pick this up tomorrow.” Then we go to bed, in love and in comfort, get our rest and finish off the dispute or discussion at a better time.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Playing For Your Relationship

We tend to think of playing as something that children do. Many adults think that they are past needing to play. But play is fun and necessary for all ages. We don’t get old because of the number of years that we have lived, we get old because we have forgotten how or refuse to play.

Ask yourself: what have I done just for fun lately? If the answer is either I don’t know or nothing, then it is time to reconnect with your inner child and awaken you sense of wonder and curiosity. Stuart Brown of the Institute of Play said, “What do most Nobel Laureates, innovative entrepreneurs, artists and performers, well-adjusted children, happy couples and families, . . have in common? They play enthusiastically throughout their lives."

Two things have happened recently in our house that got me thinking about play. First we got a new kitten and she loves to play. The whole family is smiling and laughing more, enjoying the antics of the quickly growing fur ball. The second is that we got some kinect games. We are up off the couch, laughing and playing. Playful activity brings couples and families together much more than vegging on the couch ever will.



Playing with your partner encourages connection and a feeling of intimacy. Creative play stimulates your mind and allows you to temporarily set aside your day-to-day worries and concerns. Enjoying one another and laughing together energizes you and your relationship.

Lighten up and find something fun to do. Far from being a waste of time, play could be just the thing you need to strengthen your relationship. Remember to be patient with yourself if you haven’t played in a long time. It may feel awkward at first, but if you relax and let yourself simply enjoy the time spent playing you will soon realize what a vital part of your life it can be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Plan To Improve Your Relationship

A little bit of thought and planning can go a long way toward improving your relationship. Many relationships suffer from what boils down to a shortage of quality time together. Planning your day, week, and year can help you improve your relationship.

This is a time of year when many people choose to set some goals for the year to come. When you are choosing goals, remember to include your relationship as a priority in your plans. Plan for at least two weekend getaways for the two of you. Lack of funds does not mean that you have to opt out. Get creative and find ways to make a getaway at home.

If you have children, find someone who can care for them away from home; you could ask grandparents or trade weekends with family or friends. Whether your getaway is at home or far away, choosing to turn off cell phones, computers and other distraction will make it much more likely that the two of you will reconnect.


Take a few moments at the end of each day to think about what you want tomorrow to be like. Spend a few minutes thinking about the things that you are grateful for in your life and take some deep breaths, then ask yourself, “What can I do tomorrow that will improve our relationship.” Follow through on the ideas that pop into your head. Find ways each day to talk and share with each other.

Take a half and hour to an hour once a week to plan and discuss the week ahead. Coordinating schedules and planning your week together will help you feel more like a team. Each week plan a date for just the two of you and think of other ways to create happy memories together.

When you have the intention of creating a great relationship and you add to that intention consistent efforts to plan for and do the things that build relationships, you have a recipe for a successful relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

There is actually nothing worse in a relationship like having your partner suffering from depression.It is really heart aching watching them go through this dark period of life.Usually many relationship fail or end because of it.Especially when the situation start wearing on both parties.



Depression makes people think irrationally and causes them to be blind to the good things in life, like you. They will make you feel like everything you do to try and make their world a little better is a wasted effort. It isn't, though.

The fact that you are there beside them means more to them than you will ever realize. They wouldn't blame you for leaving and will sometimes try and make the decision easier for you. They don't really want you to leave, though. They want you to be with them and help if you can.

The first thing that you can do to help them deal with their depression is to understand it. Educate yourself about this mental disorder. Seek out to find what causes it. It could be because they lost a job or did something that brought on a feeling of failure. There are many reasons that it could have started but one thing is certain, even if you are in a strong relationship, depression, once it has begun can snowball.

You will need to make sure that you take care of yourself in this relationship. Depression, gone unchecked, can be contagious. When you are learning about depression make sure that you are watching for signs that you may be exhibiting. If you are then you should be quick in seeking help from psychologists or counselors. Once both of you start falling into depression it may be impossible for either of you to see the light of day. When you start getting worn down because of the weight of it all try and take some time to step back away from it and take care

A past relationship and depression sometimes go hand in hand. When a relationship has failed it is easy to feel like every relationship after that is doomed to fail. Once someone begins feeling that way they will many times turn their current relationships in to a failed one. If this has begun to happen it is important to get relationship advice from marriage counselors and work with them to prevent it. This is not the only reason that marriages or dating relationships fail while one is in depression. Just the strain will cause it to suffer. Seek relationship advice from trained professionals as much as possible.

Never give up always believe that your efforts and presence are all part of the treatment for depression.There are few things more powerful than what can come from a strong relationship. Treatment for Depression without medicationis very possible when the one you love has you to depend on. With a strong relationship depression can be beaten.

Stress-Free Holiday Season

The holiday season can be, if we let it, a very stress filled time of year. There is pressure to over shop and over spend; decorating, and entertaining. For those who are single or away from family, this can be a lonely time. People can feel left out and isolated. For other families, simply getting together can lead to tension and worse. One of my clients commented that she had no good memories of Christmas as a child. She said her mother was so stressed out about things having to be just so at Christmas, that all she could remember was that she always seemed to be in trouble and her mother was always angry with her.


Regardless of your personal holiday history, you can choose to find peace and happiness at this time of year. Here are some suggestions for creating peace and happiness:
• Choose to slow down
• Choose to feel and express gratitude
• Choose to be generous with your time and your love
• Choose to SMILE
• Choose to take a deep breath or several if necessary
• Choose to create happy memories
• Choose to keep things simple
• Choose to be playful and see things from a child’s perspective
• Choose to find joy in the small moments
• Choose to give gifts that say, I know you, rather than cost a lot
• Choose to make and stick to a budget (Trust me this will make after the holidays more peaceful and happy)
• Choose to expect to have a great time NO MATTER WHAT

Holidays in general breed unrealistic expectations. The minute you start wondering, 'is it going to be wonderful enough?,' it never will be.
Pepper Schwartz

Make up your mind that you are going to find ways to enjoy the holiday season. Decide that you are going to create peace and joy for yourself and let that feeling ripple out among those that you know and come in contact with. Remember: How we treat family members or clerks at the store or people in traffic is so much more important than what we buy or who we impress.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Merry Christmas

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key.
Frederick Saunders

It’s getting close to that time of year where give our loved ones gifts and presents; so I decided to give you some gifts.



The first is a list of advice that has been given to couples:

• Be best friends.
• Court each other forever.
• Choose happiness over being right.
• Your partner comes first, before anybody or anything.
• Balance couple time and you time.
• Remember, foreplay never stops; it goes on day after day.
• Never assume.
• If you are doing things that cause you to think or say “I
can’t tell my spouse this,” you shouldn’t be doing it.
• Always compliment each other. "Tell your wife that she
looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
• When you vent about your spouse, you need to say three
positive things as well.
• Always make time for the two of you.
• Fight fair, respectfully and focused.
• Sometimes marriage is a bed of roses and sometimes there
are thorns.
• Understand that most marriages go through rough patches and
the best time to seek help is at the start, when you still like
each other.
• Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that
matters.
• Respect each other's privacy.
• Never Keep Secrets.
• Surprise each other now and then.
• Have date night! Dates are for having fun, and people
should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
• Hold hands. "They want to make sure their rings don't fall
off because they paid good money for them." Dave, Age 8
• Talk daily.
• Choose the one you love, then love the one you choose. "One
of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, Age 8
• Never compare, you always loose.
• Fight naked. ;)
• Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
• The secret to a happy marriage is two TV's!
• Keep family, friends and in-laws at a distance in marriage.
• Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them. (Anita, Age 9)
• No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and
deodorant are so popular. (Jan, Age 9)
• Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as
love. (Alonzo, Age 9)
• Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash. (Randy, Age 8)


And the second gift is permission to laugh and have fun with each other and with your relationship. As you can tell from the above list other people’s viewpoints are often humorous and insightful. So in your marriage look at things from each other’s perspective and see how that feels to you.

Marriage is a serious and sometimes trying undertaking and we often get so caught up in that part of it that we forget to enjoy it.

Remember, you got married because of how you felt, not only about each other but also how you feel when you are together. The greatest gift you can give each other is your total and unconditional love; that and patience and generosity. Take care of each other and have a Merry Christmas season.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine