Guilt in Relationships

Guilt is a useful emotion if it is used rather than wallowed in. Guilt gives us valuable information. Healthy guilt means either we have done something that we should not have done or we have not done something that we should have done. This type of guilt, if it is used to motivate us to apologize and or learn from our mistakes can help us improve our relationships.

There is another kind of guilt that people pile on themselves when they have either accepted unrealistic expectations from others or they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. This type of guilt is used to prove that they are useless, worthless or otherwise horrible as a person. This guilt leads to shame, which saps people’s power and sense of self, it does not lead to self-improvement, but rather to continued discouragement.

Shame says, not that you have done something bad or wrong that needs correcting, but that you are bad or defective and there is nothing you can do about it. Unlike healthy guilt, shame does not tend to improve relationships. Instead shame tends to erode relationships. There is a real tendency to try and pass on the shame, to blame and criticize others to deflect the feelings of inadequacy from oneself.

Protect yourself by refusing to accept the shame that other’s try to put on you and by refusing to shame your self. Comments like, “If you had half a brain . . .” “A good wife/husband would never . . .” can be met with a simple “Thank you, I will think about that.” This kind of comment should stop the shamer in his/her tracks. Whether comments are shaming or not depends on more than the words used, it depends on the body language and tone of voice. But we all know what shame feels like.

If you find yourself feeling guilt or shame, stop and consider, “Is there something that I did or did not do that I ought to feel bad about?” If the answer is yes, then the next question is, “What can I do to remedy the situation?” Then take action based on what comes to mind. If the answer to the first question is, “No” then you can stop beating yourself up for something that does not belong to you. In a sense you can figuratively give the shame back to whomever it belongs.

The serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Take time and make time.As little as it might seem we all need some time to get away from the hazards of this world and who will be the best person to spend the quality time out with,other than our partners.

Going out regularly with your partner or date alone,spending some quality time will lead to a healthy and prosperous relationship.Most people organise this time by starting off with a dinner and then going on to do something afterwards like ,going to the theatre, a concert, or dancing.

Everyone has a different idea of what they believe is
romantic. Dinner might be at a fine dining restaurant
and the two of you will get dressed up. Some people
consider a home cooked meal by candlelight dinner the
romantic way to dine on a date.

This can be the best way to go if you don’t have a lot
of money to go out but you want to do something
special. In addition, when you cook a meal for your
date there is more thought and effort put into it and
some people enjoy it much more than they do being
treated to a fine restaurant.

Regular relationship dating experiences like this gives you the opportunity to get to know your date on a more
personal level than when you are out with other
people.

It is during this time that some of the differences between you and your partner is being settled with love attention and intimacy.So take this with you as a power full tip that will take your relationship to the next level.


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There are quite a good number of problems that occurs in a relationship dating but the most common, that relationships go through is that they are not communicating enough to each other.
Take your time and check out friends who are always together and are doing almost every thing together or your closest friends and you will see that the core of that friendship is communication.
Communication is the most important thing when you are in relationship or dating. Most problems occur because the two of you are having difficulty expressing your feelings or you aren’t being clear about what you want.
It is very important for you and your date or partner to discuss about what you need and want from your relationship so you both are satisfied and you are not having disagreements about things.
communication with each other will tell you and your partner how compatible you both are to each other.For example
Compatibility can be difficult if one person in the
relationship is needier than the other person. If one
of the people wants their space and the other is very
needy then it can make it difficult for dating.
so,when you both communicate with each other properly it
is clear to both of you if you are compatible and have
the same likes and dislikes.
You cannot force a relationship if the two of you are
too different or you have different goals for the
relationship.
If you are not comfortable communicating with your date
then you might just consider a good friendship.With out these two things there will always be in a relationship dating crises.




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Using Emotional Intelligence To Strengthen Your Relationships

According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, there are five aspects of emotional intelligence.

• Self-Awareness or knowing your emotions
• Self-control or managing your emotions
• Self-direction or motivating yourself.
• Empathy or recognizing and understanding the emotions of others
• Interpersonal skills or managing relationships

To begin with we absolutely cannot be emotionally intelligent if we ignore, disregard, judge or stuff our emotions. Emotional intelligence involves welcoming, accepting, appreciating, and learning from our feelings. We understand that feelings are not good or bad, they are simply there to give us important information.

But accepting our feelings does not mean allowing them to overwhelm us. Emotional intelligence means finding ways to self-soothe and manage our emotions so that we are not overwhelmed and have our ability to reason high-jacked by our feelings.

Emotional intelligence means leaning to control our impulses and delay gratification so that we can motivate ourselves to move toward a goal. Self-motivation helps us over come doubt, fear and procrastination.

Being able to tune into the verbal and non-verbal cues that help us recognize feelings in others requires emotional intelligence. Empathy is a key-stone to healthy relationships.

Negotiation, conflict resolution and interpersonal skills are essential to emotional intelligence. The ability to get along well with others is a sign of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence may come easier to some than others, but it is something that we can learn and improve. Strengthening ourselves in these five areas; self-awareness, self-control, self-direction, empathy, and interpersonal skills; will help us become more successful in our relationships and in everything that we do. As we gain emotional intelligence our relationships become more stable, peaceful and harmonious. We will have less stress in our life because we are managing our self and our relationships well.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Who Says Life Has To Be Hard?

Having a sense of humor and playfulness are vital to the health of any relationship. The ability to see the lighter side of life, helps us to cope with difficulties and keep things in perspective. In your relationship, how often do you smile? Does your smile reach all the way to your eyes?

If your relationship lacks joy, humor, laughing and play, then it is time for some serious reinventing. Some people mistakenly believe that laughing and play are childish. However, a healthy sense of humor is an important part of maturity. Play is not just for children, it can help us to relax, improve our brain functioning, get our creative juices flowing and just make life more fun.

Give yourself permission to have fun. Make a list of things that are fun for you. If you struggle trying to make this list and you are having trouble coming up with ideas of what you enjoy, it is all the more important that you pay attention to you. What is it that makes you smile? When do you feel the most relaxed and happy? Answering questions like these may give you clues to your own personal fun list.

Playing and laughing together helps couples connect and creates a sense of intimacy that will help them weather the inevitable bumps in the road. Perhaps the couple that plays together, stays together.

Many times in life we can see the humor in difficult situations months or years after they have happened. A valuable skill to learn is to find a way to lighten the mood in the moment. Don’t take yourself or life too seriously. SMILE. It can make all the difference.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Why You Need A Spine

Having a spine means respecting and honoring yourself. When you have a spine you know what you stand for, or what values are important to you and you don’t compromise your values or give up your self in order to please or pacify others.

You need to develop a spine, because no one else can do it for you. Others may at times stand up for you, but that doesn’t give you a spine. This is an inside job.

Developing a spine allows you to guard your integrity and integrity is a major component of self-esteem. If your opinion or behavior changes as your surroundings change you will be left with little or no sense of self. It takes confidence to state your opinion and stand up for yourself. Confident, assertive people generally have high self-esteem. However, behaving like you are confident and assertive can boost your self-esteem.

Don’t confuse standing up for yourself with being aggressive and mistreating others. It is important to be courteous to others as you stand on your own two feet.

Take a stand based on principle not preference. When you respect yourself you also respect others. People are entitled to have their own thoughts, opinions, beliefs and values. Just because someone does not agree with you does not make him or her wrong. They are just different. Learn to accept and enjoy the differences.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine