Connections - The Glue For Relationships
It has been said that the man or woman who is wrapped up in themselves makes a small package. Anonymous
One of the common complaints I hear is he or she is not present, they aren’t with me. I’m sure we all know what this is about; we probably have experienced it from both sides. Being present is about making sure we are in the room with our friends or children, in the conversation with our partner, in that kiss or hug. That we are engaged with them and not thinking about something or someone else.
Our spouses can tell if we are with them or not. They say things like, “your eyes glazed over,” “I had to repeat myself 3 times,” “you’re just going through the motions” and “I might as well be someplace else.” What we must know and understand from both the one doing it and the one seeing it is that we will always have these kinds of experiences. That does not make it right; just understand that it happens. Where the problem really lies is when that is the norm in the relationship.
The issue is when this, the other stuff and people, take center stage in our lives. Our loved ones begins to get whatever is left. Not cool. We need to make sure that the significant one in our lives knows it, all of the time. A wise man once told me “I told my wife when we were married that I loved her and if it changed I would tell her.” I hope you realize the wise man’s statement was tongue in cheek; this is not a wise thing to do.
When we are continually making our spouse feel that he or she is the most important thing in our life, we are putting out a lot of small fires that will never take spark. When we believe that we are important and our partner knows our love language and uses it, we will let some stuff just go or ride, we don’t need to sweat that small stuff. If, on the other hand, we are neglectful, we will be sweating that small stuff. Then everything comes under scrutiny, with a big magnifying glass.
Here are a few tips. Let your partner know what is going on in your life. Are you struggling with a co-worker, are there some new policies you need to learn, are you under some short deadlines, is your mother having a crisis again? When you share these things two things happen; your partner knows what is going on and can cut you some slack and two, they feel more loved because you have included them in this part of your life.
Next, if you are coming home and you are preoccupied tell your partner. “Hey, it’s been a shxt day and I need some time and it is not you.” Does a couple of things; gives you your needed space and your partner is relaxed because they know they aren’t the cause. When we know and see that our partner is stressed but they have informed us that we are not the cause we feel loved and cared for because they obviously love us enough to explain this to us.
Next, a leaving and returning routine that includes real presence. This should be a daily routine, not just when you are going or coming from a space of time. So it should include a 4-6 second hug, followed by a real kiss (doesn’t have to knock your socks off, just be real) and the a heartfelt ‘I love you,” “take care” or ‘I missed you.” When you do these things regularly you are building and maintaining crucial connections.
Connections are what keep us going through the times of stress and trouble. It is easier to deal with a rebellious teen, a shrewish mother, a overbearing boss or whatever when you know things are solid between the two of you. Connections allow that quick peck on the cheek outside the office to be just as real and meaningful as that soulful kiss before bed. Connections cover a whole bunch of little “oops” in your life.
“Resentment is the poison we take in hopes it will kill the other guy.” Anonymous
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