Relationship

Just A Little Help

In looking back at the articles I’ve written I realize that it may appear that I assume a lot of the relationships out there are in trouble. Not so, most are just fine; maybe they need a little fine-tuning but in general they are great. So what can I say that can assist those relationships?

I am reminded of a quote by Leo Buscaglia, “Life is not a trip in itself. It is not a goal. It is a process. You get there step by step by step by step. And if every step is wondrous and every step is magical, that’s what life will be.” The same holds true for your relationship, it is a process and it must be taken a step at a time. If you make those steps wonderful and magical and full of love and excitement then your relationship and your life will be that also.

Start by living your life with zeal and with great expectations. Want the best from yourself and from your partner, you both deserve it. Dance in the kitchen, laugh in the dark, sing in the rain. Buscaglia says, “I won’t! That’s a dead end.” So try, do things different than you have, once in a while have dessert first.

Someone once said, “Sometimes we get so involved in the questions that we don’t live the answers.” At times we can get too analytical, too focused on doing it just right that we forget to live. My personal trainer once told me as I was straining and struggling to do just one more rep properly, to breath. She said that it would not help me to do the exercise properly and die because I quit breathing.

Love each other, love being together, love life. Karl Menniger said, “Love cures, the ones who receive love and the ones who give it.” Emerson has given us the way to solve our little mistakes when he said, “The remedy of all blunders, the cure of crime, is love.” Buscaglia said, “No one is too big for a hug. Everyone wants a hug. Everyone needs a hug.” Make sure you begin and end your days with a hug, tell each other how much you care and love one another.

Make it a habit to say how thankful you are for each other. Do the little things that say how grateful you are for your partner. Express your gratitude for kindness and caring to each other. Daily say thank you to each other. Sean Stephenson in his book Get Off Your “But” says, that “gratitude is simply focused appreciation. It is nearly impossible to be upset in a space of gratitude.“

Take care of each other, but also take care of yourself. A relationship is only as healthy as those in it. So deal with your stuff. Work out your emotional and spiritual issues. Strive to achieve a place of peace and harmony within yourself. Meditate, exercise, learn, teach and become what you have the potential to be.

The poet Gibran has said:
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one also be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
Though they quiver to the same music.


Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Power Of Acceptance

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship.  The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being.  Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine