Differences? No Problem

As in any relationship, marriages are subject to differences in opinions, ideas, style and just about anything else that is not DNA based. These differences will happen, discussions will arise over them, even heated arguments, but they are inevitable. They can make or break your relationship. Which it is, make or break, is up to you.

As we have stated before in this forum, conflict is not a bad thing, it is how we deal with it that makes it bad or good. Do we dig in and fight to the bitter end with no one giving in or do we discuss the issues, negotiate and settle on a win win solution. Or at least, a “nobody loses” ending. Whichever one you do it is within your power to determine the outcome of conflict within your relationship.

Fighting fair is a skill that every person in a significant relationship needs to master. No name calling, no raising voices to a scream, sticking to the issue at hand, treating each other with dignity and respect, taking necessary time outs, listening with the intention of solving the problem, being flexible and open to ideas and solutions other then your own, trying to put yourself in the other’s shoes and above all remember who the other person is, the one you chose to love; these tactics of engagement more often than not lead to a stronger and happier marriage.

So how do you develop these skills? Most of us have the intelligence and social skills to do the actual discussions and negotiations. The most important part in all this is your frame of mind and the position of your heart. In the book The Anatomy of Peace the Arbinger Institute teaches “You cannot be the agent of peace until your heart is a heart of peace.” The first step to fighting fair is personal, internal and vitally important. Where is your heart?

When we get into serious disagreements and fights with others, including those we love, we have to be careful how we view the other person. Do we, in our anger stop seeing them as human beings, as people, as a person of equal worth? Do we make them less than human; do we make objects out of them? When you call your wife a “nagging crone” or your husband an “inconsiderate jerk” they stop being human and become the label, an object.

When we objectify another human being we stop considering anything they say, think or do to be of value. How can we seriously consider their opinions or solutions when we don’t see them as another being? So the heart of peace is essential to any disagreement you have. Always, always consider how you are regarding your spouse in an argument. Don’t let a heart of war enter in and destroy you and your relationship.

Being at peace means you consider the other’s ideas, opinions and solutions as valuable as your own. You see them, the person, as having just as much worth as you do. Your consideration is that they can be happy and at peace and you will do anything in your power to make that happen, except for compromising your principles.

Take care of each other, cherish each other, love each other, learn from each other and teach each other. Remember this is the person you fell in love with and the one who you think makes you happy. Live life to the fullest extent; be generous, enthusiastic, excited and happy. Life is too short for anything else.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

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