Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

If you find yourself asking this question or if others have expressed concerns it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship. There are some patterns and warning signs that could be indicators of an abusive relationship. Be cautious if your partner:

1. Is excessively controlling to supposedly protect you
2. Separates you from family and friends
3. Flips from sweet and charming to mean or cruel
4. Lacks empathy
5. Controls all of the finances
6. Is extremely jealous and possessive
7. Blames you for their temper outbursts
8. Controls your choices
9. Controls your access to phones and devices
10. Attacks you verbally or physically
11. Threatens to harm you, others or themselves to control you
12. Insists on always being with you or monitoring you
13. Is hypersensitive or constantly playing the victim
14. Hides their insecurity behind a superiority act
15. Is cruel to animals or people
16. Is extremely arrogant and demanding

In general, men tend to be more violent that women. But not all men are more violent than all women. It is important to recognize that men can be victims of abuse as well as women and that women can also abuse men. It can be extremely difficult for men to admit that they have been abused. They may feel even more shame over this than women. It is critical to understand and accept that no one is ever to blame for the abusive choices of another.

People often feel intense shame after being abused. They may be worn down until they accept the abusers message that they are to blame for the abuse. They may have come to believe the abuser’s message that they are unlovable, stupid, ugly, defective and that no one else would want them.

Pay attention to what your intuition is telling you about your relationship. You may be tempted to make excuses for your partner and to hope that things will improve. But if your instincts are telling you something is not right, it might be time to listen and come up with a safe way out. Ask yourself, “If I stopped protecting my partner, how would I feel.” Often I hear clients’ excuses for the behavior of their partners, “but he is really a good person;” “she has had a rough life;” or “I want the person I dated back, he was so generous and sweet.”

If you are unable to set healthy boundaries with your partner, you may have to remove yourself from the relationship in order to protect yourself. Know that you are worth protecting and that in time, through self-compassion you can and will heal.
Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Clean Slate Strategy For Couples

The clean slate strategy for couples involves choosing to start anew—to let go of negative relationship habits or built-up resentments and start fresh. The opportunity for a clean slate can be created arbitrarily. An example of an arbitrary clean slate is New Years Eve. Many strive to start fresh for the coming year by setting New Years resolutions. The opportunity for a clean slate may at times be thrust upon us through a change, positive or negative. You may get a new job or be downsized or fired. You may form a new relationship or you may end a relationship. A child may be born or you may lose a loved one.



Whether you create or are given the opportunity for a clean slate, you can use these times to rethink and recreate our patterns and habits. You can repeat the clean slate strategy at any time to build a more loving relationship. Holding on to resentments and negative judgments about your partner, their family, or their habits will make it extremely difficult to create positive memories together. Letting go of the build-up of resentment makes room for more loving habits and patterns.

You can choose at any time to wipe the slate clean. Sit down together and talk through the old hurts and resentments. Refuse to follow your old patterns of defensiveness or withdrawal. Try instead to actively listen to each other. This means one of you, at a time, talks about a hurt or resentment and the other simply validates and repeats in their own words what they have heard. Validation and active listening can make it easier to let go of old hurts. Forgiveness is a huge part of the clean slate strategy. Forgiving your partner for past hurts and forgiving yourself for insecurities or contributions to the problems.

Wiping the slate clean is a choice that can be made as needed. Most important is how you continue once the slate is wiped clean. Starting with a clean slate implies that something different will follow. If you simply continue with the same behavior that created the problems in the first place, you will find the old hurts will tend to reappear with a vengeance.

The following will help you to move forward with a clean slate:

1. Focus on what you value about each other and your relationship. Pay attention to what has worked and do more of that. Make a point of noticing and expressing gratitude for the positive.
2. Identify what behaviors need to change and work to break negative patterns of relating. Practice positive behavior habits.
3. Set healthy boundaries. Give yourself permission to say no to things that are hurtful. Respect each other’s boundaries.
4. Replace blaming, punishing and defensiveness with acceptance, forgiveness and willingness to hear each other.
5. Choose to act, think and speak lovingly, especially when you least feel like it.

Consider using the clean slate strategy for couples to start fresh and move toward creating a stronger more loving relationship. You can use the strategy together. You can also begin on your own.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Mindfully Shape Your Relationship Habits

Your relationship habits set the tone for your daily interactions. Do you smile or growl at your partner in the morning? If you find that your relationship is not feeling the way you hoped it would, you may want to rethink your relationship habits. All relationships become somewhat routine. The question is: Will the rut that you have fallen into keep you connected or will it gradually pull you apart?

• Think loving thoughts about each other. I cannot emphasize this one enough. The thoughts you think about each other will have a huge impact on the course of your relationship.
• Express gratitude daily. Feeling gratitude warms you heart; expressing gratitude will help warm your partner’s heart.
• Touch daily: cuddle, snuggle, and touch non-sexually. Touch is an important part of the bonding process. 
• Work together as a team. Seeing yourselves as team will mean less finger pointing and more cooperation as you meet life’s challenges.
• Spend quality and quantity time. Both are important and allow you to consistently reconnect with each other. Create the mindful habit of spending time together actually noticing each other. Make sure that for at least a few minutes each day you see each other and are fully present with each other.
• Give gifts of love; know each other. Gifts of love may be gifts or treasures, loving words, generous actions, quality time or kind deeds. Choose to love your partner in a way that feels loving to your partner.
• Say nice things about your partner. How you talk about your partner to others will impact your relationship. Choose to focus on the positive.
• Protect screen free time each day. Create an uninterrupted space of time for the two of you to connect each day.
• Be active together. Go for a walk, play a sport, putter in the garden or go for a bike ride. Increasing your physical health together may help you feel closer, increase your energy and possibly improve your intimacy.
• Always be respectful. No matter how you may be feeling in a moment, it is helpful to remember, that you love each other and treat each other accordingly.
• Be generous and find opportunities to help each other. It is the little things that are actually the big things in relationships. Consistent little choices to be generous will protect your relationship from the inside out.
• Practice acceptance. So much stress in your relationships may simply melt away if you were willing to accept each other as you are.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

If you are harboring unrealistic expectations, it is only a matter of time before they damage your relationship. Unrealistic expectations set you up for huge disappointment and lead to discouragement and an unnecessary sense of failure. It is not what happens in your relationship, but how you spin it for yourself that causes great pain.

Say for example you hold the expectation that you should always feel madly in love. It is inevitable that life will get in the way and there may be some days where you do not even particularly like each other. If you draw the false conclusion that this means you are not good enough or that maybe you were never in love, then your relationship will begin to falter. You will likely start to think negatively about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You may begin to act negatively toward your partner. These choices of thoughts and behaviors start to reinforce your false conclusion. The tendency then is often to avoid working on your issues and avoid seeking help. It is helpful to recognize that great relationships require consistent effort, respect, kindness and forgiveness, even when things are going well.


How do you know if your expectations are unrealistic? This may not be easy since your expectations probably seem perfectly reasonable to you.

Signs that you may be harboring an unrealistic expectation:

1. You are continually disappointed that your expectation has not been met. When you notice a pattern of repeated disappointment, it may be time to carefully consider your expectation and whether it is completely realistic.
2. You are trying to control something that is not within your control
3. You are assuming or mind reading.
4. Your expectations make it not okay to be who you are.
5. Your expectations make it not okay for your partner to be who they are.

It can be difficult to let go of unrealistic expectations. You may believe that you have to keep your standards high in order to motivate yourself or to protect yourself. It is helpful to distinguish between high standards, which are worth striving for and unrealistic expectations, which lead to discouragement. High standards are based on principles like honesty, virtue and integrity. Unrealistic expectations are frequently based on fears that you are not enough or not lovable or not smart enough or other variations.

To let go of unrealistic expectations try using the following:

• Be compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Be willing to communicate honestly, without blaming. (I felt hurt because I thought . . .)
• Get curious about the origin of your expectations. Become a bit of a detective and do some soul searching.
• Be flexible, notice when you are using ‘my way or the highway’ tactics. Perhaps your partner is not wrong, just different.
• Watch your self-talk. Reflect on how you would talk to a friend in this situation.
• Consider the consequence of hanging on to a particular expectation. What is the cost to you and to your relationship? Consciously decide to let go of expectations that are harming rather than helping you.
• Use your sense of humor. Visualize your expectations as if you were in a sitcom or cartoon. Learn to laugh at how unrealistic they are.

Replacing your unrealistic expectations with more realistic expectations may help you think more positively about your relationship. You may start to behave more positively toward your partner and your relationship will be strengthened.

Forgiveness Heals Relationships

It is inevitable that you will be hurt in a love relationship, in fact, the closer your relationship the greater your chances of hurting each other.  Little hurts will happen often. She doesn’t listen when you want to share something important. He is home late from work. You judge each other and say things that you regret. Resentment builds and the relationship becomes strained.

1. Allow yourself time. You may not feel ready to forgive just yet. Forgiveness is often more a process than an event.
2. Talk it out. Talk to the person who has hurt you, if possible. If not, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Accept and share your feelings; be compassionate toward yourself. You have a right to feel however you feel.
3. Request change. Set or strengthen your boundaries to reduce the possibility of repeating the hurt.
4. Stop torturing yourself. Stop rehashing and replaying what happened over and over in your mind. Find ways to change your focus to how you want your life to be. Find healthy ways to distract yourself from focusing on the hurt.
5. Choose to forgive. You do not have to completely understand how it works. But you do have to be willing to let go.

Forgiveness is a choice that you make, not because the other person deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve to be free of resentment and bitterness.

I know, people say that the Garden of Eden story is a myth.

But I can see that it is not a myth because all around I see relationships recreating the Garden scene over and over again.

We all start out thinking that our marriage will be heaven on earth, but something goes wrong.

Soon there is arguing and hurt feelings. Then a break up. Everyone suffers, especially the kids.

So I wrote a book about it.

If you can see what is going on and just what your part is in what is going wrong, you might be able to save your relationship and perhaps even live happily ever after.

Here's a little video I made on the topic.