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Special Offers from Roland and Simple Tips for Salvaging Your Relationship

13:36:00 Add Comment
Hi, everyone. If you need to get one of my eBooks and can't afford anything, send me an email.

Tell me what your issue is (husband and I argue all the time; my wife makes me feel incompetent; my wife thinks she is my mother; my husband walks away when I want to talk; I resent my husband; and any other issue).

Tell me that you cannot afford anything and I will send you one of my relationship eBooks by email.

Don't worry - you can always make a donation later on. Right now you need info.

Also don't forget that I answer email questions at Liveperson for as little as $10.  You can send me a detailed email about your relationship or marriage situation and I will answer with my thoughts as well as one of my eBooks attached for free.   Just look for my liveperson link on this page.

Today's Tip of the Day

Men and women are different.

Bonus tip:

For ladies. Many men feel like they are being disrespected and emasculated, often over some little thing that she is doing. She means well and does not even realize how a man feels about it.

Men like to feel competent.  If a man can fix something, solve something, open a door for a lady, or unscrew a stuck jar lid - he feels really great.

If she rushes to open the jar or stands by him and offers better ways to do it - he feels belittled.

If he is about to open the door as they go somewhere and she opens the door for him  .  .   .   .
you get the idea.

Sooooo, ladies, without being too obvious, let him open things, solve problems and feel competent.


Men, when you get home in the evening, go ahead and relax, watch television or whatever. men need that. (ladies, sitting and watching tv or reading is something that a man's body and mind absolutely need. He is not being lazy when he comes home and needs to sit and read, watch TV or doze.. He's not  being rude or uncaring if he needs a little time to recharge his batteries. Men are wired that way ).

But then, guys,    .   .   . look for something you can help with. And ask her about her day. Just look for something you can do (yes, even washing the dishes). It's not a big deal, but it means a lot to her.  Do it because you see that it is wise. If you don't--she will be tempted to either resent you and do everything herself or start to hen peck you.

Just ask if there is something you can help with. She might say no, or she might rather do it herself, but she appreciates your asking. It means something to her. It means that you are concerned and care. Especially if she has been home with the kids all day.
And, if she has been off at the office working all day, then it is only fair that you chip in and help out.

 

Once in a while, suddenly announce that you are in charge of dinner this evening, especially on a day when you come home and see that she is tired.
.

Little things mean a lot.

Your friend,
Roland




Advice for educational purposes only. No crises, emergencies, domestic violence or abuse issues. No human sexuality questions.

Hey, Roland, Wha Cha Eat for Dinner?

20:03:00 Add Comment
Hey is for horses, as my teacher used to say. But I'll answer your question since you asked.

Broiled Chicken without antibiotics (thank you, Costco),   and good for sandwiches too.

Organic salad with organic tomatoes - lemon juice for dressing

Basmati rice, seasoned with turmeric and lemon.

Stir friend broccoli and beans

I also sprinkled a little Himalayan sea salt and cayenne pepper with ginger and hawthorn  (thank you Swanson health products).

And thanks to my wife for planting and tending to the garden.

How to Fix Your Relationship

13:02:00 Add Comment

How to Fix Your Relationship

“If we master the details, we win. If the details master us, we lose.” Jim Patterson

One of the common complaints I hear in counseling relationships is “I don’t know what to do to make it better.” I believe most couples in a committed relationship want to make it work. They remember times when things were good and they were happy and they want it back. But they just can’t figure it out, what do they do to make it right? They love each other, are willing to work on the relationship, willing to make some sacrifices if they only could figure out what they were.

Usually the biggest question to solving their dilemma is to figure out where it went wrong in the first place. Part of the problem is to find out where the relationship is broken and why. They can’t fix what they don’t know about. Where did it all begin? What is holding up the healing process? Why can’t they repair the damage done? All these questions are serious and they need serious answers.

 One of the major blocks is communication, how they talk to each other, what they say and how they say it; all contribute to either the problem or the solution. Communication has been addressed before in this forum and will be again at another time. Suffice it to say that they need to learn how to communicate effectively to each other. The key word there is learn. My personal belief, and I find that it is re-enforced continually counseling, is that every thing that makes a relationship work and be success is a learned behavior.

People have this tendency to believe that just because they are human, they love each other that successful relationships just happen. Well, relationships may just happen but successful, happy relationships are ones that people work at. They need to learn about this particular partner. What are their triggers? What makes them happy? How do they react under stress and pressure? What do they need to calm themselves? How and what kind of language do they use and are their definitions different then the partners? And so on and on and on.

Another problem today, with the prevalence of more than one relationship, most people have at least one serious relationship before they find their dream match, is that people tend to take what they have learned about their previous partner and try to make their new partner fit that mold. Ain’t ever going to happen. Every body is a unique and special individual and needs unique and special care.

So how to fix the relationship? First they need to learn every thing they can about their partner. An example: I have a very dear friend, whom I’ve known forever, when he and his wife were much younger there was an incident in their relationship that exposed this lack of learning. My friend was on the way home and he stopped at the local supermarket for something and noticed that roses were on sale. So, being madly in love with his wife and wanting to be the hero he bought her a dozen roses.

When he gave them to her all he got was a “Yeah, thanks.” She was not excited, happy or impressed; he was not the hero. The first consequence of this was that there was a great deal of hurt feelings and drama in their home for a couple of days and resentment that led to the next consequence; which was that she did not get flowers for years. Several years later when they were both happier in their relationship she asked why he did not buy her flowers, his answer of course you all know. “Why would I buy flowers when you don’t appreciate them or thank me for them?”

This led to a learning discussion. It turns out she hates roses and was upset he did not know or care to know that about her. How could he have known? The easiest way would have been to ask her in the start of their relationship what her favorite flowers were. Next, all he had to do was look around their home. She never planted any roses, never brought fresh cut roses into the house; she brought all sorts of other flowers but not roses. That is how he should have or could have learned.

What about her, how could she have learned? She did know that he loved surprising her with little gifts and stuff just because he loved her so she could have known that if he was this traditional he would probably buy her roses at some time, so she could have avoided any kind of hurt feelings by telling him up front what kinds of flowers she liked.

The quote at the top of this discussion talks about the details. It is so true that if you don’t pay attention to the details in your relationships that life will control you. The reason most people don’t know where it went wrong is because they don’t understand the significance of doing the little things right. The old joke about how to remember you wife’s birthday is to forget it once demonstrates the truth about how much we all want the little things in our life.

People usually don’t care how much the gift cost if it shows that the other person gave it some thought, knew enough about the other to give the right gift. Little things like a foot rub to a tired partner, a quick hug when you get home, “how was your day,” a favorite treat when they are down or even just whenever, asking the other their opinion and listening and giving it just as much credence as your own, listening to their happy ramblings or their quiet sorrows, helping without being asked, knowing your partner well enough that you know what the little things are. These are the details, knowing them, taking care of them, doing them all take care of the relationship.

So how do you fix the relationship; well, if it isn’t gone completely cold and you need professional help, start by learning about each other, then do the little things, take care of each other and the details in your relationship.

“Life is never as long as we want it to be, and wasted time can never be recovered.” Nora Roberts

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

18:21:00 Add Comment
 Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building


This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Look inside now. Downloadable to your computer or mobile device.

How To Criticize Your Partner With Finesse

19:32:00 Add Comment

How To Criticize Your Partner With Finesse

Clients often express that they are reluctant to communicate their frustrations to their partner and they do not want to be seen as a nag or a complainer. People may fear hurting their partner, they may consciously or unconsciously avoid conflict or they may be afraid of losing their partner. These fears and reluctance to be open and honest tend to contribute to a build up of resentment and may eventually lead to a break down of the relationship.

Typically because of their reluctance to seem critical of their partner, people bottle up their frustrations until that final small incident occurs and boom! That criticism is blurted out in anger with hurtful accusation spewed at their partner, who is often puzzled because the intensity of the attack was so disproportionate to the offense. There is an art to expressing criticism in a way that invites a closer connection with your partner.


6 Tips To Criticize with Finesse
  1. Be timely. Deal with issues as they come up. If you cannot truly let something go, then talk to your partner about it.
  2. Be specific. Stick to one issue at a time. This is not the time to dump a truckload of garbage on your partner, dragging up past issues and heaping old grudges on top of present concerns. Give clear messages, describe what is happening, how you feel about it and what conclusions you have drawn from the situation.
  3. Be solution focused. Express what you want or need; suggest possible ways to make things better. Turning your focus to possible solutions rather than harping on problems may help both of you feel more hopeful. Be respectful rather than sarcastic when you are describing what you want.
  4. Be present. Do not snipe at your partner via text message or email. Look them in the eye and talk with them. Talking to your partner face to face may moderate what say or how you speak to them, since you will be getting instant feedback about their reactions to what you are saying. Minor misunderstandings can turn into major problems when couples fight remotely.
  5. Be empathetic. Consider your tone. Spend some time thinking about how saying what you need to say will be heard by your partner. Point out their strengths and avoid personal attacks. Avoid throwing blame on your partner and be quick to own up to any part you may be playing in the problem.
  6. Be open. Listen to your partner. Make sure you are willing to hearing how your partner thinks and feels about the issue. Extend to them the same courtesy you would like them to show you.


If you are on the receiving end of criticism, the most important concept to remember is that all feedback is good feedback. Although it is never pleasant to hear that our partner is unhappy with us, it is far better to know about and deal with the problem, rather than let it fester and grow.

Finesse for the Receiving End of Criticism
  1. Be open. Listen. Being willing to really hear your partner’s criticism will often go a long way toward validating your partner’s feelings. Listen to hear what the situation is, how your partner is feeling and what they hope for or see as a possible solution. Listening and validating their feelings does not mean that you necessarily agree with everything they are saying, it just mean you are trying to understand them.
  2. Be accountable. Take responsibility for your behavior. Do the best you can to put your defensiveness aside.
  3. Be willing to work together to come up with solutions.


When you express criticism with finesse, you do not have to end up in a war or cold standoff. Using finesse when you criticize or are being criticized can help you handle the situation peacefully and create an opportunity for a heartfelt discussion that leads to more closeness in your relationship. 

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Sneak preview of my relationships book exclusively available here

11:11:00 Add Comment
 Hi, this is Roland. I'm really happy with my new book. It has in depth answers and strategies you just can't find anywhere else. 

My book is based on the questions I get from visitors to my blog and listeners to my radio program. 

Here are just a few of the topics covered

I can't forgive my husband.
Putting the forever back in love.
We argue all the time
Just how important is dad
Meddling mother and distant dads.
Why we have food problems
Where to find love.
Much more

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

"This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo's book has insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.   Sneak preview and purchase to download to your computer or send to your mobile device. "
  
Preview it here and then download to your computer or mobile device today.

Does Your Relationship Need Fixing?

12:25:00 Add Comment
After all these years, I've decided to start making more radio programs on Blogtalk Radio. I'm going to start uploading programs with music and nice audio. I'm going to have to pay for it, but it is worth it because I can help some people.

In the meanwhile, you might like to listen to some of these classic segments I have made over the years by calling in on the phone. What is nice about them is that they are short and to the point. The solution to your relationship issue could be right here.





Listen to internet radio with Roland Trujillo on Blog Talk Radio
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