All post

Have You Had A Reality Check Lately?

Does your behavior match your view or opinion of yourself? What are the words that you would use to describe yourself? Experiment with writing out a list of words that you feel describe you. Notice whether there is a balance of positive and negative qualities. Many people focus on their strengths and are reluctant to acknowledge their weaknesses. Others focus mainly on their weaknesses, denying their strengths either out of a mistaken effort to remain humble or an under-appreciation of themselves. Both focuses create a distortion. Your view of yourself can be skewed by either thinking that you are better or worse than you are.

I love the C.S.Lewis quote, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.”

If it is difficult to see ourselves accurately, how can we get a reality check? It can be interesting to hear how others are perceiving you, especially from those who are willing to be frank and honest. Sometimes others can help hold up a mirror so that you can more accurately see yourself. However, if you really want someone to be honest with you, you have to make it safe for them to tell you difficult things. If you punish someone for being honest with you, you will lose a valuable source of information.

I remember many years ago, while playing a softball game with friends, which is not one of my strengths, and I guess my fretting was audible and noticeable because one of my friends said to me something like, “Please stop whining.” This was not an easy thing to hear. I was not aware that I was whining. But I am grateful that my friend had the courage to bring my behavior to my attention. I had not asked for the feedback, but receiving it did help me to grow.

At times our behavior does not match the person that we think we are, especially in our personal relationships. Someone may see themselves as kind, considerate and thoughtful and this may be the face that they present in public, but their partner may experience them in a very different way. For example some may see themselves as generous and helpful and yet if their partner makes a request of them, they feel put out and annoyed. It is unfortunate that we often treat those we love the most, worse than we treat strangers.

Self-awareness is key. When we are blind to those parts of our self that we do not like or want to admit exist, we remain unable to make necessary changes. It can be uncomfortable to come face to face with our own shortcomings, but unless we are willing to do so we run the risk of remaining stuck in our denial. We miss valuable growth opportunities.

Generally when getting a reality check, it is good to ask a few different people. Remember the perception that others have of you, no more represents reality than your perception of yourself. But listening to others may broaden your perspective and hopefully by openings yourself up to exploring how others see you, you will gain a clearer picture of who you are.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage Counseling for Men

Men, my new book is available. If you are not ready for marriage counseling or aren't sure if it is for you, then why not read my book.

Reading my book is like attending the best relationship conference for men that you ever attended. For a fraction of the cost too.

Where do good men go wrong?
Why are you not respected?
What does your wife want?

Answers to these and many other questions are answered in my new book.

The truth is that sometimes we feel more comfortable with one person than another. And when it comes to counseling, many men would rather talk about their issues with another man. The problem is that too much of what passes for counseling among men is really more like support, bonding, or guy talk. If you need help with your golf swing, your buds or the guys in the club house will be fun to talk to. They may be supportive and understanding. But what you need is a first rate swing coach.

So when it comes to counseling, it's easy to find a sympathetic ear or support. But what you need is counseling that is more like coaching. In other words, someone who know what they are talking about, can give you some really good tips and send you on your way so you can start practicing doing the right thing the right way.

So let's say that you recognize that you need some help--with relationship issues, home/work balance, anger management, or whatever. What you are hoping for is a really good coach or mentor. Someone who has been there, done that. Someone who is like a senior manager who can mentor you, offer some practical common sense advice, and then be there occasionally, if you need a little more feedback.

Perhaps most importantly, you want to hear it from an authority you can respect. Like a father, grandfather or successful senior mentor. You also don't want them to undermine your authority. It would also be nice if you could work one on one with the person--someone who wants to help you instead of seeing you as the problem. You would also like it to be one on one, not two or three against one.

Perhaps you decide to turn to the clergy--a minister or a chaplain. This is good because the pastor or chaplain will hopefully see you as a person, a person with mind, body and soul--and treat you as a whole person.

Someone once said that being nice means being weak. We like nice people. Nice people are easy to be around. Nice people make you feel comfortable.

So there is a natural tendency to think that when things are going wrong with our relationships (with our partner, our kids, or at work) that learning to be nice is the answer.

I have to say, and I say this with love because I am a pastor myself, too much of what passes for pastoral counseling or Christian counseling or what we hear in church is about being "nice."

I know too many men who are nice--they go to work every day, they are home every evening, they are a nice guy--and their family walks all over them. Mom is in charge, and she resents him for his weakness. There has to be an answer. And there is. It's like avoiding the extremes, but not quite. It's more like firm but fair. It means loving justice and what is right, and standing for what is right, but with a twinkle in your eye. A man needs patience, kindness, tender heartedness, long suffering, and gentleness. But he also needs to STAND FOR SOMETHING.

Therefore, if you have always been Mr. Nice guy and have found that it doesn't work, but you don't want to be Mr. Meany either--Then you need a little basic training about how to stand for what is right without anger. And about why virtue gets respect. I have been advising and counseling people for over 20 years. I have to say that most people I have helped have been women. Women are more keen to detect something going in in a relationship, for example. Men tend to not sense something is wrong until it gets really critical and she demands a divorce or something.

I think women suffer more. They are more aware in relationships than men are. I'm focusing on relationships because they are so important. What makes our personal failings so painful is that they always involve others. As dad and father, you are supposed to be the Moses, the George Washington of your family. They look to you for guidance, strength, kindness and understanding.

When you are wimpy, you fail them. When you are angry, you fail them. When you are not there for them, you fail them.

I have a lot of insight in this area. I can help you because even though I am a man, I have some insight into what your wife or kids are likely feeling. They may not be able to tell you--but I can. Okay, it may be tough love. But remember, for your golf swing, you want a good swing coach. In a counselor, you need someone honest and insightful, who is solution based and has a problem solving orientation.

Why not start by listening to me on the radio and previewing or getting one of my books

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,

the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology and based on 22 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview and purchase at Kindle! and download to your kindle or mobile device for $9.95

"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.

Now here is the good part!

Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

"Roland, thank you so much for your book.
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion. But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead." Suzy - San Bernardino

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues.

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you.

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon

Now in Kindle too!

Get a free eBook and help Roland--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read.

You'll also be saving up to 80% off retail price.

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything.

Rola

nd Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

Balancing Needs In Relationships

12:30:00 Add Comment

Balancing Needs In Relationships

To create a healthy lasting relationship it is important to find a balance between meeting your partner's needs and meeting your own, between giving and receiving or selflessness and generosity; and assertiveness and self-care.

Generosity is an important part of intimate relationships. Generosity shows that we are willing to make what is important to our partner, important to us, for the simple reason that our partner is important to us. Generosity may look like choosing to cheerfully attend the staff party, family function or school reunion with your partner. Generosity may involve giving up something that you want to do, to be with your partner when they really need your help or for something that means a lot to them. Selflessness shows up in many tiny acts, like thinking about your partner before eating that last piece of cake, choosing to watch their favorite show with them or noticing when they need something and offering before they ask. Selflessness involves seeing your partner's need as being just as important as your own. It means sometimes being willing to put your needs on the back burner.

Selflessness and generosity help increase your loving feelings for your partner and help them feel loved; however, if your relationship is only build on your selflessness and your generosity, there is a great possibility that you are going to burn out. Too often when someone has spent years trying hard to care for and give to everyone, they start to feel resentful if their efforts are not being reciprocated. Then pendulum can then swing from generosity to obnoxiousness, when they finally find that they have nothing left to give. Assertiveness and self-care can help protect your relationship from this development.

Assertiveness allows you to stand up for yourself. It allows you to express your needs in a respectful way. It is not only okay, but valuable to express your needs and wants and far preferable to allowing resentments to build. If assertiveness is new for you, you may find that at first your partner is puzzled and encourages you to change back. You need to persist. You may have to learn to tolerate your partner being upset with you and give them an opportunity to self sooth. You have a responsibility to recognize that you are important and be willing to stand up for yourself. Recognizing that your needs are important helps you see the need for self-care. You have just as much responsibility to be good to yourself as you do to anyone else. Healthy self-care and assertiveness can make it possible for you to go on being generous for a life time.

We have to balance our concern for others with our concern and consideration for ourself. Too much of either puts our relationships out of balance. Too much focus on your wants and needs, without the willingness to be selfless or generous can leave your partner feeling empty and depleted and drain your relationship of its vitality. Likewise too much giving and generosity without making your needs known or taking time to rejuvenate, can leave you feeling empty and depleted. Is it possible to love too much? The answer is a resounding NO, but you have to include yourself in the circle of people that you love.

If you tend to be too generous: when you choose to be generous, do so out of a spirit of generosity, not out of a fear of upsetting or disappointing your partner, or out of a sense of obligation. Stop telling yourself that you have to please everybody or that you have to keep your partner happy.

If you tend to be too focused on your own needs: make a conscious effort to be generous to your partner and practice cheerfully generosity to please or help your partner.

Balancing the giving and receiving in your relationship will increase not only the longevity of your relationship, but also increase the joy you find in being together.

Perseverance Pays

09:38:00 Add Comment

Perseverance Pays

“Where you find no love, put love and you will find love.” John of the Cross.

In all relationships there comes a time of questions. Did I marry the right person? Is this all there is to relationships? Why won’t he or she just listen/change/love me/accept me/or whatever? We all experience doubts, loss of connection and sometimes even lose the feeling of being in love. I believe that this is true of every couple. Part of the reason I believe this is so is the divorce or separation rate in the world.

Fluctuating between 35% and 42%, the proportion of marriages projected to end in divorce has remained relatively stable during the last 20 years. Divorce rates in Canada seem to be declining, but considering the increasing number of couples choosing not to marry, the rate of failed relationships may not actually be changing.

As a counselor I see people asking the question: Is the day of relationships, couples, over? No, it needn’t be for anyone. What I see to be a major issue in the rate of dissolved relationships can be stated in one word: selfishness. Our society has seemingly devolved into a “me first” phenomena. Selfishness in a nutshell is when we cannot see the needs and wants of another being as important as our own.

Yet, I said I believe that all couples go through these times, so why is the divorce rate not higher, not at 98 to 100%? Because it is just a phase, a period of hard times, disconnection, relationship illness, so to speak. Couples may not feel that they are in love with their partner but they still love them. I hear “I love him/her but I’m not in love with him/her. What does that mean? Does it mean an automatic dissolving of the relationship? Just because life has been life, bad things will happen to all, do we throw in the towel? For at least the other half of the 52%, no, the relationship does not or did not end.

They have an understanding of relationship and life dynamics, they believe in themselves. They don’t believe in the “throw away’ mentality that is so prevalent in our society. I have clients who come to me in tears and remorse saying “if I had put the same effort in my first relationship as I am putting in this one I wouldn’t be in this one.” I am a pro-relationship counselor; I tell my clients that until I am told to do otherwise, my job is to help heal the relationship. If there is still a spark you owe it to yourself to work at making it right.

So when do we know when to look for help. I get clients who come when they are at the end of their rope. They come saying that this is the last thing to try before they end it. They sit in the office as far apart as they can get. There is no respect, liking or anything between them. For these clients it is usually done, too much has gone unresolved for too long. It would take a lot of hard work and they are usually too tired.

The trend I have noticed is more couples, usually younger, who come early in the relationship when they have realized things aren’t what they could or should be. This is the best way to look at counseling, we’ve tried and had little or no success and things aren’t changing, we still love each other, like each other and want to get some advice or skills to help us deal with our issues.

The quote at the beginning is very true in couple relationships. When people get hurt or feel ignored or resentful the natural thing to do is withhold their love until such time they feel loved. So, when you aren’t feeling loved, put forth an extra effort at loving your partner and the result is usually a return of loving feelings. This is a reconnection, a bridge, so to speak, between you and the things you desire. A five year old describes a bridge as “a bridge is when the ground falls out under you and you build something to connect the cracks.”

Don’t let the cracks get so big you cannot build bridges. Put aside pride and anxiety. Seek out help and work on rebuilding, reconnecting and accepting each other.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

Advanced Relationships Book Exclusively Available here in Special Pre publication offer

18:35:00 marriage book marriage ebook Online marriage counseling relationship book Add Comment

Special Update: Putting the Forever Back in Love, my new book with advanced concepts in relationship building is now available.

And Newly Updated

Over 350 pages!

Plus a bonus section with strategies and insights for parents, parents to be, and adult children from dysfunctional families

Preview free in KindleHi, everyone. I have long wanted to write another book for the many people who visit this blog. The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work is, of course, my most popular book and people have told me how it has helped them.

But I have long wanted to write another book about some of the difficult issues that people come here looking for answers for.

I am pleased to announce that I just finished the final edit of my new book. It should be on Amazon.com in a month.

But you don't have to wait until it is on Amazon. You can get the book right now and start reading it today.

For a suggested donation of $5.00 or more, I will send you the eBook in pdf as a token of my appreciation. I will send it attached to an email right away.

Just click here and make a donation at safe and secure Paypal. As soon as I am notified by Paypal, I will send you an email asking which ebook you would like. Just say Putting the Forever back in Love. I'll send it by email right away.

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

It is 353 pages, and the kind of information you will not get anywhere else. I know you are going to like it.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is available in Kindle, paperback and directly from me for a donation of any amount. It is not available anywhere else.

New Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

08:31:00 marriage advice online relationships relationships books Add Comment

Update: Putting the Forever Back in Love, my new book with advanced concepts in relationship building is now available

Plus a bonus section with strategies and insights for parents, parents to be, and adult children from dysfunctional families

Preview free now

Hi, everyone. I have long wanted to write another book for the many people who visit this blog. The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work is, of course, my most popular book and people have told me how it has helped them.

But I have long wanted to write another book about some of the difficult issues that people come here looking for answers for.

I am pleased to announce that I just finished the final edit of my new book and it will soon be available at Amazon.com

But you don't have to wait until it is on Amazon. You can get the book right now and start reading it today.

For a donation of any amount, I will send you the eBook in pdf as a token of my appreciation. I will send it attached to an email right away.

Just click here and make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal. As soon as I am notified by Paypal, I will send you an email asking which ebook you would like. Just say Putting the Forever back in Love. I'll send it by email right away.

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

It is 249 pages, and the kind of information you can hardly get anywhere else. I know you are going to like it.

Sneak Preview of Putting the Love Back in Relationships by Dr. Roland Trujillo

07:27:00 marriage book Online marriage counseling relationships book Add Comment

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo's book has insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness. Sneak preview and purchase to download to your computer or send to your mobile device.

Preview now in Kindle