Develop A Sense of Purpose and Shared Goals

All people want to know that they are important, that their life has meaning. Marriage provides an excellent opportunity to choose to co-create a life of meaning and contribution. One of the challenges of marriage is to really get to know and understand each other and to learn to love each other unconditionally. Meeting this challenge require maturity and discipline. Sharing a sense of purpose can help couples remember who they are and what they want for themselves, each other and the relationship.

It may not sound overly romantic, but developing a vision statement for your marriage may give you that sense of purpose that will strengthen your bonds. When you become a team, working together to reach toward your common future, trials, struggles and disagreements are handled easier, because your focus remains on where you are going. Couples without a sense of purpose may get bogged down in the day to day grind and forget to look up toward the life that they want to create.



Having a marriage without a sense of purpose or shared goals is a little like taking a trip without a map and driving in circles hoping to stumble upon the most amazing sights.

Your vision statement will be as unique as you are. There are many possible goals and ideals couples strive toward. Some possible examples include:

• Developing shared talents
• Raising responsible children
• Dedication to God
• Dedication to a cause
• Caring for the environment
• Serving others

If you do not already have a vision statement for your marriage, set aside a couple of hours to get started. Begin by each of you creating a list of your goals, aspirations and dreams, think personally and also in terms of your relationship. Items to consider:

1. If your relationship was a 10/10 what would that look and feel like?
2. What personal and family traditions would you like to continue or develop?
3. Rank your friendships and consider the kinds of friendships you value.
4. What are your financial goals and dreams?
5. How do you define spirituality and what do you want for your spiritual growth?
6. What is your idea of community and how do you want to be involved in your community?
7. What are your career aspirations?
8. What are the ways that you would like to continue learning and growing?
9. Rank your health and fitness and consider if there are changes that you would like to make.
10. What are the things that you do that help you feel energized and alive and how can you add more of these activities to your life?

Each of you answer the questions above, then compare and discuss. Find areas of similarity and begin creating a shared vision. A sense of purpose increases optimism—a shared sense of purpose helps to bond you together. Choose a life-affirming purpose, one that allows you to contribute to something bigger than yourself.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun, Until . . .

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” Thoreau



I wish to address a particular concern of mine about our society in general and couples in particular. There seems to be a major trend nowadays to just put up with things. Things that are not what we want, what we like, what we consider fun or happy-making, things, that for a lack of better words, just really suck. I see couples come in and neither one is happy, life is not pleasant for them yet, they just seem to accept this without even trying anything different. It seems like being happy is not worth the effort or trouble.



The basics first; I believe we are here on this planet to have fun, to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Dare I say it? Yes, we are here to be happy. Does this mean there will be no rain ever on our parade, of course not; into each life a little rain must fall. There needs to be opposition in all things or you won’t know whether you are happy or sad, angry or glad, in love or not in love. So be realistic and expect life to have its grim moments, accept them, but also know that life has its great moments and just accept them also.







Next, happiness is not out there, it is not our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and happiness does not just happen. Happiness is a choice. It is something we must deliberately and consciously decide to be. It is an intrinsic quality; it must come from within us. As a society and as individuals we need to stop looking at material things to make us happy. We must quit looking for others to take care of our happiness.



Many of us say, “I’ll be happy when I’m finished school. Or get a better job, or when my spouses loves me more or better.” Stop it! We must stop giving our power away. If our happiness depends upon things, event or others we are giving away an essential part of ourselves. Number one, how does anybody or anything else know what makes you happy? It is just not possible. Two, how can someone else instill in our hearts an emotion? They can’t, pure and simple.



So how do we choose to be happy? Just that way, choose. Stand up, put your hand on your heart and repeat after me; “I now choose to be happy, now and from this time forth.” Simple to say, hard to do. So take look at yourself, what things make you smile, make you sing, laugh, giggle, sigh with contentment? When do you feel happy and what are you doing, thinking, feeling and saying? Are you starting to get the picture? Only you can answer those types of questions, not your parents, not your very best girlfriend, not your spouse, nobody but you. Your happiness is your responsibility.



Grab a pen and paper and answer those questions. Finish this sentence stem, “Happiness is…” Sentence stems are designed for us to get at some of our beliefs. Write the stem at the top of the paper and just finish the sentence as many times as you can in 5 to 10 minutes; I’d be pleased if you just wrote for 2 minutes. Don’t think; just finish the stem. When you have finished these exercises you will have a list of things that make you feel happy and a look at what you believe about happiness.



Happiness is really quite a simple concept. Yet it is a complex principle or trait to achieve. We second-guess ourselves, we look for the negatives, we fear the future we don’t know. Michael de Montaigne says it this way: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.” At least 85% of what we worry about never happens, so just stop worrying and choose happiness.



Acceptance is the key to change. So don’t look for the perfect occasion, stop thinking that when things are different then I can try to be happy. I can almost guarantee that if you are not happy with things now you will not be happy when things are the way you want them. Virginia Woolf said that we should “arrange what pieces come our way.” Take what life gives us. My wife has a sign on our fridge that says, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.”



Back to the couples that come in to our office basically flat. You are a perfect person, you have infinite worth, nothing, nothing you can do will ever change that. As such a wondrous creature, you deserve to be happy, you are entitled to the best that life has to offer. Do not settle for anything less. As the song says, “Don’t worry, be happy.”



Do this and you will have fun, fun, fun and there will be no until.



Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach


Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course


Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples


Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Danger of Having to be Right

There is a danger of getting stuck in our own position and perception and believing that we are “right.” The danger in having to be right lies in the build up of resentment that is caused by bulldozing your partner's opinions and feelings. When you have to be right, it means that you have to make your partner wrong. It does not matter what kind of face you paint on it, how helpful your tone, how carefully you explain, if you are consistently making your partner wrong it puts a huge strain on your relationship.


Take a look at the shoulds in your life. Consider which of these shoulds are based on principle and which are preferences. The next time you find yourself wagging your finger at your partner, actually or figuratively, stop and ask yourself, “Is this should based on a principle or a preference?” “Where does this should come from?” and “How is fighting for this should affecting my relationship?”


There are few things in this world that are absolutes. When you pick your battles make sure that they are based on principle not preference. Principles are worth defending; preferences are not, they are simply preferences and everyone is entitled to their own. When you accept and allow your partner to have and express their own opinions, without making them wrong, you validate them. Validation helps people to feel less defensive and more open. When you are willing to really listen to and try to understand your partner's perspective, without being judgmental or condescending, it is likely that your partner will then be more willing to listen to your point of view.


When you can only see the world from your perspective, there is no room for growth and no room for closeness. To feel really close to someone means accepting them as they are, not as you judge them to be, but seeing them at their best and making a sincere effort to see things from their perspective. Remember that their being different also does not make you wrong. Differences are what makes life interesting. Be willing to let go of having to be right and enjoy the differences.


“A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” —Alexander Pope

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Construction

‘The trouble with Doomsday is that we may not recognize the Doom when we are shown it or know the Day when it finally arrives.” Orgill & Gribbin

For a lot of couples the above quote is true about their relationship. We see a lot of couples where one of them is saying, “I don’t know why we’re here,” and the other is saying, “I’m done.” Some people have a hard time recognizing that their partner is upset, hurt, frustrated, lost or confused and needing to get some things resolved. They just keep their head down and keep on keeping on without realizing their partner is not satisfied with what is happening in the relationship.

Some of us, dare I say it, mostly men, don’t even recognize it, realize it or accept it when their partner tells them, shows them or threatens them with the truth, as they see it, about the relationship. In other words “not recognize the Doom when we are shown it.” We have plenty of couples coming with one or the other saying, “I’ve been telling you forever that if it didn’t get better I was out.” A lot of these ones don’t “know the Day when it finally arrives.”

So, how to stop all of this from happening at all? Build your relationships like you would build a house. Site preparation, solid foundations, walls and roof. And like any good house you need regular maintenance to keep it top shape and functioning as a warm and inviting home. Perhaps a little landscaping to keep it pretty.



Site preparation: in constructing a house the site is prepared first before any construction begins. The debris and garbage and overfill are removed to allow for the building of a solid foundation. In your relationship it is much the same. As individuals you need to clear away the debris; this would include dealing with all past relationships so you are not bringing these issues into your new relationship – a good, long lasting relationship is made of up only two people, not your past. Get rid of all your garbage, deal with those sticky issues from parents and childhood, check out your beliefs and expectation, these are the overfill in our lives.

Solid, strong foundations: respect, honesty, love and acceptance, these are all things that help solidify your relationship. Others are friendship, understanding and patience and so on and so on. As in a house if the foundations are suspect the house may shift, crack and even in some cases fall over. When the foundation supporting the relationship is strong and deep you can withstand some pretty severe storms. Most of the things that underpin your relationship are the things that, when you come to us, are in trouble. We hear, “I don’t feel respected,” “I love her but I’m not in love with her,” He is always angry or frustrated,” and of course “I’m not even sure if I still like him.”

Walls are the part of the house that protect us from the elements and keep us safe; in a relationship these are called boundaries. Walls keep the world out of our home and boundaries keep the world out of our business. A strong and healthy boundary, well constructed and maintained gives us permission to say “No” and allow us to say “Yes.” Our personal boundaries are our business just as we have rooms in a house that are ours; couple boundaries organize our family and alone time. In a sense they give us a safe place to come home to.

The roof is held up by the walls, and help to keep us dry and warm, in a relationship shared experiences, goals and visions do the same thing. All couples should be continuously constructing those shared memories, both happy and not so happy ones; it is the latter that really binds us together. You should be looking at setting mutual and individual goals and working on developing a vision for your relationship. Goals and visions, like shingles should have a fifty-year plus guarantee.

Landscaping: this is the fun stuff in your relationship. For your house landscaping sets it off, shows it off, makes it uniquely yours. The things you do in your relationship to have fun, travel, working together, relaxing, movies, dancing, dining – in or out, making out and making up and shared hobbies are what help to set your relationship off and show it off. The landscape of your house is a very important part of your home; it defines your individual tastes and your combined likes. The fun part of relationships do exactly the same thing.

Regular maintenance is essential to the strength of your home and its integrity. Regularly focusing on keeping your relationship vibrant, exciting and healthy protects the strength of the bond between the two of you; it protects the integrity of the relationship. This is the commitment you both made to each other; but it is just as important to commit to making your relationship worth committing to. How? First the physical health of both of you is essential so start and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Emotional health is just as important, if not more important.

Here is where you can support the other if there are health issues or the children have health issues. This is where you both feel safe and at home when you are together. How to maintain the emotional health of your relationship requires some time and effort. Deal with the little issues before they become major fights. Talking about fights, learn how and practice fighting fair. Always be respectful and loving.

Choose to love your partner no matter what and in spite of your anger, frustrations and hurt feelings. This is so important. What usually happens is we withdraw our love when we fight thus, giving us more of what we don’t want. Love is a choice so choose to love, no matter what else comes. Be honest with your love and with your lover, don’t mistreat them, lie to them or give them the “silent treatment.” Remember, talking is the only adult way to deal with issues and to process them.

So build your love, build it strong. It protect you and yours.

“You can’t do it alone. It takes two to see one.” Leo Buscaglia

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

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