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The Danger of Having to be Right

There is a danger of getting stuck in our own position and perception and believing that we are “right.” The danger in having to be right lies in the build up of resentment that is caused by bulldozing your partner's opinions and feelings. When you have to be right, it means that you have to make your partner wrong. It does not matter what kind of face you paint on it, how helpful your tone, how carefully you explain, if you are consistently making your partner wrong it puts a huge strain on your relationship.

Take a look at the shoulds in your life. Consider which of these shoulds are based on principle and which are preferences. The next time you find yourself wagging your finger at your partner, actually or figuratively, stop and ask yourself, “Is this should based on a principle or a preference?” “Where does this should come from?” and “How is fighting for this should affecting my relationship?”

There are few things in this world that are absolutes. When you pick your battles make sure that they are based on principle not preference. Principles are worth defending; preferences are not, they are simply preferences and everyone is entitled to their own. When you accept and allow your partner to have and express their own opinions, without making them wrong, you validate them. Validation helps people to feel less defensive and more open. When you are willing to really listen to and try to understand your partner's perspective, without being judgmental or condescending, it is likely that your partner will then be more willing to listen to your point of view.

When you can only see the world from your perspective, there is no room for growth and no room for closeness. To feel really close to someone means accepting them as they are, not as you judge them to be, but seeing them at their best and making a sincere effort to see things from their perspective. Remember that their being different also does not make you wrong. Differences are what makes life interesting. Be willing to let go of having to be right and enjoy the differences.

“A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” —Alexander Pope

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Construction

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Relationship Construction

‘The trouble with Doomsday is that we may not recognize the Doom when we are shown it or know the Day when it finally arrives.” Orgill & Gribbin

For a lot of couples the above quote is true about their relationship. We see a lot of couples where one of them is saying, “I don’t know why we’re here,” and the other is saying, “I’m done.” Some people have a hard time recognizing that their partner is upset, hurt, frustrated, lost or confused and needing to get some things resolved. They just keep their head down and keep on keeping on without realizing their partner is not satisfied with what is happening in the relationship.

Some of us, dare I say it, mostly men, don’t even recognize it, realize it or accept it when their partner tells them, shows them or threatens them with the truth, as they see it, about the relationship. In other words “not recognize the Doom when we are shown it.” We have plenty of couples coming with one or the other saying, “I’ve been telling you forever that if it didn’t get better I was out.” A lot of these ones don’t “know the Day when it finally arrives.”

So, how to stop all of this from happening at all? Build your relationships like you would build a house. Site preparation, solid foundations, walls and roof. And like any good house you need regular maintenance to keep it top shape and functioning as a warm and inviting home. Perhaps a little landscaping to keep it pretty.

Site preparation: in constructing a house the site is prepared first before any construction begins. The debris and garbage and overfill are removed to allow for the building of a solid foundation. In your relationship it is much the same. As individuals you need to clear away the debris; this would include dealing with all past relationships so you are not bringing these issues into your new relationship – a good, long lasting relationship is made of up only two people, not your past. Get rid of all your garbage, deal with those sticky issues from parents and childhood, check out your beliefs and expectation, these are the overfill in our lives.

Solid, strong foundations: respect, honesty, love and acceptance, these are all things that help solidify your relationship. Others are friendship, understanding and patience and so on and so on. As in a house if the foundations are suspect the house may shift, crack and even in some cases fall over. When the foundation supporting the relationship is strong and deep you can withstand some pretty severe storms. Most of the things that underpin your relationship are the things that, when you come to us, are in trouble. We hear, “I don’t feel respected,” “I love her but I’m not in love with her,” He is always angry or frustrated,” and of course “I’m not even sure if I still like him.”

Walls are the part of the house that protect us from the elements and keep us safe; in a relationship these are called boundaries. Walls keep the world out of our home and boundaries keep the world out of our business. A strong and healthy boundary, well constructed and maintained gives us permission to say “No” and allow us to say “Yes.” Our personal boundaries are our business just as we have rooms in a house that are ours; couple boundaries organize our family and alone time. In a sense they give us a safe place to come home to.

The roof is held up by the walls, and help to keep us dry and warm, in a relationship shared experiences, goals and visions do the same thing. All couples should be continuously constructing those shared memories, both happy and not so happy ones; it is the latter that really binds us together. You should be looking at setting mutual and individual goals and working on developing a vision for your relationship. Goals and visions, like shingles should have a fifty-year plus guarantee.

Landscaping: this is the fun stuff in your relationship. For your house landscaping sets it off, shows it off, makes it uniquely yours. The things you do in your relationship to have fun, travel, working together, relaxing, movies, dancing, dining – in or out, making out and making up and shared hobbies are what help to set your relationship off and show it off. The landscape of your house is a very important part of your home; it defines your individual tastes and your combined likes. The fun part of relationships do exactly the same thing.

Regular maintenance is essential to the strength of your home and its integrity. Regularly focusing on keeping your relationship vibrant, exciting and healthy protects the strength of the bond between the two of you; it protects the integrity of the relationship. This is the commitment you both made to each other; but it is just as important to commit to making your relationship worth committing to. How? First the physical health of both of you is essential so start and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Emotional health is just as important, if not more important.

Here is where you can support the other if there are health issues or the children have health issues. This is where you both feel safe and at home when you are together. How to maintain the emotional health of your relationship requires some time and effort. Deal with the little issues before they become major fights. Talking about fights, learn how and practice fighting fair. Always be respectful and loving.

Choose to love your partner no matter what and in spite of your anger, frustrations and hurt feelings. This is so important. What usually happens is we withdraw our love when we fight thus, giving us more of what we don’t want. Love is a choice so choose to love, no matter what else comes. Be honest with your love and with your lover, don’t mistreat them, lie to them or give them the “silent treatment.” Remember, talking is the only adult way to deal with issues and to process them.

So build your love, build it strong. It protect you and yours.

“You can’t do it alone. It takes two to see one.” Leo Buscaglia

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Open To Change

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Be Open To Change

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

Too often in relationships there are far too many shoulds and have tos and not enough cooperation and growth. Without change, relationships stagnate and die.

If we are open to asking questions, open to really getting to know our selves and each other, if we are open to learning relationship skills, practicing and experimenting to find what works well for us in our relationship. If we refuse to accept setbacks as failure and look for the lessons in disappointment and frustration.

Then we can grow stronger together, rather than growing apart in our relationships.

Being open to change means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to accept that we may not know all the answers and that there may be more than one way to get what we need and want in our relationship. Being open to change means being accepting and respectful of other peoples truth, especially our partners'.

The most powerful change we can make is to change our mind. When we change our mind we can create lasting change in our relationship. Changing the way we see ourselves, our partner, and our problems can transform our lives.

Some relationship enhancing changes to make:

Change negative thought patterns to positive thought patterns

Change the need to control to the desire to cooperate

Change rejection to acceptance

Change judgement to forgiveness

Change stagnation to growth

Change boredom to awe and fascination

Change withholding love to choosing to be generous

Change anger to curiosity

Change indifference to attentive caring

Change anxiety to calmness

Change selfishness to gratitude

Be open to change. The most important change you will ever make is to change your attitude to one that builds and strengthens your relationships. Embracing positive change rather than demanding security will make your relationship more lasting. Perhaps security is a little like happiness; in that you have to give up trying to make it happen in order to find it.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Happy, Don't Worry

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Bobby McFerrin's song, Don't Worry, Be Happy, may make the perfect mantra for lasting relationships. The better you feel about your life and about your self the better your relationships will be. The more you can choose to be happy in spite of difficult circumstances, frustrations, disappointments; the more you can see the glass as half full instead of half empty; the more satisfying your relationships will be.

Troubled relationships frequently end up in a downward spiral because people are problem-oriented rather than solution-oriented. Resentments build, grudges multiply, and score keeping abounds. In struggling relationships, a lot of problems are magnified because they are so busy focusing on the problems and what is wrong with the other person and their relationship, that the the positive aspects of the relationship or the other person are forgotten. They are holding the problems so close to their eyes that reality is distorted and their view of possible solutions is obstructed.

For example, if you have a pebble in your shoe, that tiny irritant can ruin your walk. Complaining about it, blaming others for it, becoming resentful and frustrated does not improve your experience. What can improve your experience is being solution focused by stopping and taking time to shake the pebble out of your shoe before continuing with your walk.

Remember that within your relationship, the other person is not the pebble in your shoe. They are not the problem and probably feel there is a pebble in their shoe as well. Consider that the two of you are on the same team and that you want to be hard on the problem, while being easy on each other.

There are two tools that you can use to help shake the pebbles out of your relationship, gratitude and forgiveness. Gratitude gets your mind off of what is wrong and onto what is right. You focus on what you have learned from an experience and how you have benefitted rather than on how you are suffering. Remember, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

It is not time that heals emotional wounds, love and forgiveness heal emotional wounds. Begin by loving and forgiving yourself and continue by loving and forgiving each other. One person can start to turn the relationship around by changing their focus to being solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Health, Disposition & Relationships

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Improve Your Health, Disposition and Relationships

Interestingly, according to a study of physical activity published in the Archives of Internal Medicine in 1999, regular physical activity is as effective as Zoloft at treating depression. In fact those participant who had participated in the study were less likely to relapse six months later if they had been in the exercise group rather than the medication group. Exercise releases endorphin or feel good chemicals. It also boosts our confidence and releases stress and tension.

Since exercise helps to improve our disposition and improves our health, it is possible that it also helps to improve our relationships. Exercising on your own may improve your relationship by improving how you feel about yourself and increasing your happiness factor. Exercising together as a couple allows you to combine improving your health and improving your relationship. Exercising does not have to cost a lot. You can start with going for walks together. Remember that you are building your relationship as well as exercising, so find ways to enjoy working out together. If you both enjoy a little competition then you may want to include some. If this is not fun for one or both of you then try looking more at personal improvement rather than competition.

As a bonus, exercising together may help you bond and physical activity can make you more easily aroused. Fitness helps you to feel better about your body and better about yourself. Consider that couples who are physically fit find that they enjoy better sex more often than couples who are not physically fit.

If you hate exercising, it may be that you have not found the right fit yet. Find something that works for you. Remember to start gradually, nothing kills our motivation to continue exercising like overdoing it when we begin. Find your maximum heart rate and make sure that you do not exceed 60 percent of your maximum heart rate when you begin exercising.

We all know that exercise is good for us. Here is another reason to get moving, exercise will help you to feel happier and may help improve your relationships.

How to Improve Communication

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How to Improve Communication

Clear communication is vital for any healthy relationship. The most frequent concern that I hear as a marriage counselor is that couples are struggling with communication. One or both of them is not feeling heard or understood. Frustration and resentment builds. Poor communication can be taxing on any relationship.

Below are some tips for keeping your lines of communication open and working well:

· NEVER compare (especially to your mother/father, past girl/boyfriends),

· Describe what you see, hear or feel, DO NOT throw blame at your partner,

· Be specific, avoid “never” and “always,” DO NOT globalize,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT assume you know or mind read,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT plan what you are going to say,

· Be open minded, there may be several right ways, DO NOT condemn,

· Listen to understand your partner, DO NOT focus only on what you want to hear,

· Make eye contact and pay attention to your partner, DO NOT zone out,

· Let your partner finish speaking, DO NOT interrupt with "that reminds me of,"

· Allow your partner to row his/her own boat, DO NOT give advice unless asked,

· Say what you mean and mean what you say, DO NOT leave partner open to misunderstandings,

· Be considerate, DO NOT simply disagree to disagree or say I do not like your way because it is not my way,

· Be authentic, say what you mean, DO NOT agree just to keep the peace,

· Stick to the issue, DO NOT dump a huge pile of past issues on your partner,

· Speak for yourself, DO NOT speak for your partner,

· It's Okay to make mistakes, choose happiness and harmony over being "right."

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

It Takes Effort

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It Takes Effort

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Andrew Carnegie

When we first enter into our relationship we have these dreams and hopes about how it is going to be. We see the future as bright and sunny with nary a cloud on the horizon. It takes only a few years, if things are going well, to find that perhaps our dream is not happening. There are clouds and more than a few and they are not on the horizon, they are here and guess what it's raining. Now what? Is our relationship over, are we done? Unfortunately in today's disposable world many people think so and end their relationship at the first sign of storm clouds.

Any relationship will have days when there is no sunshine, when the clouds threaten to overpower us. No relationship is easy all the time, every relationship needs some effort, needs some TLC. As the Carnegie quote above teaches us any relationship worth having is worth working for. When talking about our marriage it seems somewhat daunting or awkward to say it needs work. Work usually means doing hard things, things we "have" to do, sometimes things we really don't want to do.

Relationship work can be all of the above but, it can also be fun, exciting and very rewarding. If there are issues affecting the relationship that are individual to one of the partners they need to address and deal with those, this can be that hard work. If there are resentments and problems between the two of you this can be hard to work out as well. For these kinds of things you might consider getting professional help.

Other types of relationship work can be fun and exciting. For example, understanding the differences between men and women is an exploration that can take a life time and be edifying and fun. To keep the connections strong and true in your relationship can be very fun and exciting. Dates are one way of doing just that and they are fun and can lead to "excitement" later. Most of relationship work involves just living in the moment, being present and being aware of what is going on in your and your partner's life.

The author Nora Roberts wrote this piece of wisdom in one of her novels: "Doing nothing sometimes hurts more than doing something." If we go through life and our relationship doing nothing, guess what will happen in that relationship. You're right; nothing will happen and I can tell you that can hurt. Putting our partner's needs and desires on an even plane as our own is one example of working on your relationship. It's rewards are that our partner feels and understands that they are important and equal with us, that we desire their fulfillment as much as we desire our own.

Anything worth having, as in a great relationship with the one we love, is worth working for. Worth caring about, worth looking for the win-win in every situation. It's about respect and dignity, about caring and sharing, about doing the things that we know should be done and finding out things we don't know about and doing them as well. Love is a great gift that we having been given. But we need to understand that it comes with responsibilities. Accept the love, accept the responsibilities.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C, M.P.C.P
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine