Relationship Myths
So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen! - John Godfrey Saxe -
“All is fair in love and war” is a myth that can get us into a lot of trouble. In my years of counseling I have never seen an injury or hurt between individuals in a couple relationship that was deemed fair by either of the two just because they were in love. When I was growing up there used to be a little cartoon couple who were naked and were supposed to represent a loving couple. The caption always started with “Love means…” and ended with some cute little platitude. One of these captions I remember most because even as a teenager it just seemed not quite right was ”Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
I have often wondered as a counselor what else have we been taught by poets, well-minded friends, loving family and caring friends. Some people have been taught to believe that having different opinions as a couple means one of them is wrong, others understand that to have disagreements, fights even, is the sign of a relationship in trouble. On my wedding day my great-grandfather, whom I love and respect dearly, told us that we should never go to bed angry or unhappy with each other.
If we believed and followed that in our early years we never would have gotten any sleep at all. In marriages there is a transition period. That first few months to a year where we each learn about the real life person we are married to. To learn to adapt, compromise and accept the other as they are. One of the things I have learned and try to teach is this: “Courtship behavior is one of the biggest lies there is.”
Really. Just think about what is going on during courting. We are trying to win over, impress, and prove our love for the other. So are we going to have major disputes over things we disagree on, not likely. We will save that until after we are safely married. As an individual courting another we will do almost anything to win them over and we will not do things that we know will cause them to run. But, usually after a short time married we revert to being exactly who we are, hopefully there is not much difference.
So what are some of the things that we have been taught that are true and helpful in a relationship? One of the best is taught in just about every religious belief in the world; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s right, live your married life by the golden rule. Another is what Christ taught, to love your neighbor as yourself. “The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer -
This quote is so true, as a counselor I have come to understand and believe that we have to love and respect ourselves before we can love and respect others, or they can love and respect us. If we do not know how to love ourselves how then can we expect to know how to love another? Life as a couple is so much easier when we know, understand and love ourselves and each other. Love does mean having to say you are sorry. It means realizing and working on our own shortfalls not pointing out our partner’s.
Also, there are a lot of things that are not fair just because we are in love. Saying hurtful things to each other because we feel they are true or that we are just trying to help is not fair. Withholding our affection and love because we have been hurt or wronged is not fair and is the start of a long, hard, painful path to major problems. Just because we are “right” doesn’t mean we can inflict humiliation, disrespect or pain upon our spouse.
Being in a mature and loving relationship does not mean there will never be conflict or disagreements or differences of opinions. In fact, it ensures that there will be. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and that is not a bad thing. It speaks to how much love, understanding and respect there is in the relationship. Maturity allows both parties to be themselves and to have their own opinions, likes and dislikes. Mutual respect ensures safety for both to say, believe and disagree where they wish with no withholding of love.
Mature relationships foster respect, tolerance and understanding. In a relationship with the are the above mentioned attitudes, going to bed with unfinished business is not only acceptable but often necessary. Work schedules, business, fatigue and children require us to be at the top of our game and we need our sleep. So, let’s make our relationship a place where we can say “Time out, I need to sleep. Let’s pick this up tomorrow.” Then we go to bed, in love and in comfort, get our rest and finish off the dispute or discussion at a better time.
Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable
marriage preparation course Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a
sex manual for couples
Offers a free
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