How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

Do you feel like your partner does not listen to a word you say? Are you frustrated, feeling like there is no point in even trying?

When you feel like you were not being heard, consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core? Words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart.

Check to see if your word and behavior may be encouraging your partner not to listen. The following are ways to talk so that your partner will not listen:

Use Sarcasm
Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.
Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Brutally Honest
Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Be Harsh and Judging
Complaining is one of the best ways to get your partner to tune out or stop listening. Judging harshly builds resentment and encourages him/her to tune out. Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore.

Tease Mercilessly
At times people try to disguise meanness by saying, “I’m just kidding.” Mean is mean and saying I’m teasing does not make it any less mean. Thinking that your partner should “suck it up,” or “have a thicker skin” shows a lack of respect for his/her feelings. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of teasing and a wedge is driven between partners, creating greater distance over time.

Considering how to talk so your partner will not listen may help you to identify behaviors that are destructive to your relationship. If you see yourself in any of the above, it may be time to try something different.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Celebrate Your Love

“Great love is built on great sacrifice and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love.” Harold B Lee

At this Christmas time of year we are driven to give gifts to others. It sometimes seems that we almost believe that the bigger, the more expensive or the larger the amount of what we give proves our love. What I would like to discuss here is a gift that requires no money and no stressful evenings at the mall. The gift I would like to suggest this year is you.

As Harold B Lee stated above the giving of ones’ self is the basis of a great and abiding love. When we give of ourselves from the heart we tend to grow and swell with a positive, empowering love and that also includes a self-love. Service increases our feelings of worth; it enriches our own sense of esteem. We become better. It has been said that the best way out of a depression, a way to rid you of the blues is to find someone else to serve and do it.

So we need to serve our partners and why would we not want to, we profess to love him/her. We hear so often in counseling; “I don’t know if I believe him/her when s/he says ‘I love you.’ I want to believe and trust that to be true but I don’t know if I can.” So how to do we prove it? By showing it, our actions and our behavior should be congruent with our words, then our partners can begin to believe our love for them.

Where to start? As stated before in this ezine; acceptance is the birthplace of change. We need to accept what is, is. Arthur Rubinstein stated: “Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” The place to start is to accept yourself as you are and then give your partner that same gift.

Because as Dr. Robert Anthony said; “True love depends on true freedom. Only those who are free can afford to love without reservation.” This is a two-sided observation. One deals with ourselves and our view of our self. The other deals with our partner and what we expect of him/her. If we put conditions on our love (I will love you when you make more money or when you are in better shape or whatever condition we apply) we are not allowing them to be truly free. Conditions restrict our behavior, our creativity, our expressions and with conditions we are not free to be who we really are. So the first gift would be to love each other unconditionally.
Now we should deal with our own view of ourselves. What does that have to do with giving a gift to our partner? Well if you bought them a coffee maker and it didn’t work would you not return it or fix it? Yes. When our view of ourselves is skewed, when our beliefs about our self worth is twisted, when our self-esteem is in the… well you know where then the gift of “our self” is broken. We need to fix it. Gift number two is to heal our selves, to grow in maturity and strength.

Next, we need to start to heal our relationship, to grow it, to bring it to maturity. And that starts with forgiveness. Hannah Arendt said it best; “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” Remember that we can’t truly love unless we are truly free. Holding grudges and hurt or hard feelings is binding us in the past; we are not free to grow and to love. Gift number three is to forgive each other and our selves.

How about a stocking stuffer? Paul Sweeney says that, “a wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies on any given year.” We need to understand we don’t fall in love or out of love. Love is a verb and action word signifying a choice. We choose to love or not. So put that in his or her stocking, the choice you have made to love them.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy your lives together; celebrate the season by celebrating your love.

“If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.” Norman Vincent Peale.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Your Relationships By Behaving Like a Grown-up

If people treated each other as equals and behaved like adults in their relationships, a lot of relationship problems would be so much easier to solve. Don’t get discouraged if you recognize that you and or your partner do not always behave maturely when dealing with each other. In many ways our relationships provide us with excellent growth opportunities.

Emotional maturity means that we take control of our emotions, rather that letting our emotions run us. Emotional intelligence is an important part of creating a healthy and lasting relationship. Increasing our emotional maturity can help us in many ways. It will reduce the stress we feel in our relationships, it will help us to be healthier physically and emotional and it will improve the quality and success of our relationships and our life.

Signs of emotional maturity:
• Awareness of your own needs and wants
• Secure sense of self
• Ability to be vulnerable and give and receive love
• Willingness to sacrifice for others
• Empathy for others
• Impulse control (thinking before acting)
• Willingness to be accountable for your own actions, words and thoughts
• Willing to face problems and seek solutions
• Enjoys life, takes a positive approach and learns from mistakes
• Lives with integrity (being true to our values)
• Ability to handle difficult situations
• Solution rather than blame oriented
• Hard on problems and easy on people
• Ability to wait patiently and defer gratification

Becoming emotionally mature is a life-long process. Here are some ideas for improving emotional maturity:
1. Get to know and love yourself
2. Experiment with daily acts of kindness
3. Learn to cooperate rather than control
4. Find a mentor or a good example to follow
5. Find a cause; commit to something bigger than yourself

The benefits of improving our emotional maturity will show up in our relationship with our self, with our loved ones and with the world. Life will be more peaceful, enjoyable and fulfilling.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If You Love Them: Say It And Do It

If you love them, tell them. Perhaps you say, but I grew up in a family where, “I love you” was not expressed. It may feel awkward to say I love you. You may tend to use this as a convenient excuse for remaining silent. However, it is possible to choose to say it, even if it was not something that you heard as a child. You can be the one to establish a new pattern for your self. Open your mouth and tell the people that you love, that you love them. You will be pleasantly surprised that the awkwardness will fade with practice.

You also have to do more than say you love your partner or your family. You must show it. Your words, your actions and even your thoughts need to be loving. If we say I love you and then treat others disrespectfully or uncaringly, the “I love you” has a hollow ring. Saying I love you becomes meaningless if it is not backed up with loving words and actions.

It is the little thoughtful things that we say, do and think on a consistent basis that make our relationships strong and lasting. There is never a good reason for treating strangers better than we treat each other. Courtesy and respect are essential.

It is easy to behave lovingly, when you feeling loving. The challenge comes when you do not feel particularly loving. It takes self-discipline to be courteous and respectful when we are cranky, frustrated or upset. Behaving like adults and talking things out early, before we lose our cool can help to keep tempers in check.

If we slip, an apology is in order. Remember that hateful things done or spoken in anger are forever burned into the other persons mind. Apologies are great, but it is better to hold on to yourself in the first place and choose to show love rather than something less.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Recently I watched a movie were a young guy for one reason or the other left his fiancee standing at the altar during their wedding day. So In the process of healing from a broken relationship this girl had to go through hell for six years looking for her ex . When she finally found him she made up her mind to revenge in one way or the other and finally she died in the process.
Healing from a broken relationship is a tough thing to do, but the good news is, it can be done. You just need to understand the process and allow yourself the time that you need.

One of the first things to remember is there is no time limit. It will take you as much time as it takes you, period. There is no set rule on how long it should take you, though you still should be making some forward progress after a few months. You may be a long way from being back to normal, but you should be starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

One word of caution, though: if you don't seem to be making any progress at all, you may want to hire a therapist to help you through the worst of it. Sometimes having an objective third party who can offer unbiased advice is a good way to help us jumpstart our recovery. It may even help speed the process along a little, and who wouldn't want that?

Another thing you can do to help speed things along is find yourself. This may sound like strange advice but in most relationships you will lose a little of yourself. This seems to be particularly common with women. It's easy to become a 'we' and lose a little 'me'. And a little of that isn't a bad thing, but once the relationship has ended it's time to get your 'me' back.

This process will help you heal and grow. It will remind you that there was a time when you were happy without your ex. This 'reawakening' can be a very exciting time and it can help dull at least some of the pain you're feeling since the breakup. If nothing else, it will give you something to occupy your mind with.

Spending time with family and friends will help you enormously too. Surrounding yourself with people who love you will help you stay strong. When in the midst of a bad breakup it's easy to forget that you will be happy again. It can be hard to see past that black hole, but if you're with your family and friends they will help you feel the love that you are missing from your ex.

While this isn't the time to wallow, it might not be a bad idea to remind yourself of the things in the relationship that made you unhappy, or mad, or both. You don't want to dwell on the relationship too much at this point but reminding yourself of the bad times might help you gain a little clarity and move the healing process along a little bit.

No matter how you choose to go about it, just remember that healing from a broken relationship is possible. You will get through it and you will find love and happiness again. If you learn from your past relationship you can take that knowledge with you into your next relationship which will help make that relationship even better. Just hang in there.his girl had to suffer with this anger for 6 years latter.After which she found this guy who left her on the alter and in the process of trying to get revenge got killed. Well it is just a movie i guess they had a massage to pass across.

Healing from a broken relationship is a tough thing to do, but the good news is, it can be done. You just need to understand the process and allow yourself the time that you need.

One of the first things to remember is there is no time limit. It will take you as much time as it takes you, period. There is no set rule on how long it should take you, though you still should be making some forward progress after a few months. You may be a long way from being back to normal, but you should be starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

One word of caution, though: if you don't seem to be making any progress at all, you may want to hire a therapist to help you through the worst of it. Sometimes having an objective third party who can offer unbiased advice is a good way to help us jumpstart our recovery. It may even help speed the process along a little, and who wouldn't want that?

Another thing you can do to help speed things along is find yourself. This may sound like strange advice but in most relationships you will lose a little of yourself. This seems to be particularly common with women. It's easy to become a 'we' and lose a little 'me'. And a little of that isn't a bad thing, but once the relationship has ended it's time to get your 'me' back.

This process will help you heal and grow. It will remind you that there was a time when you were happy without your ex. This 'reawakening' can be a very exciting time and it can help dull at least some of the pain you're feeling since the breakup. If nothing else, it will give you something to occupy your mind with.

Spending time with family and friends will help you enormously too. Surrounding yourself with people who love you will help you stay strong. When in the midst of a bad breakup it's easy to forget that you will be happy again. It can be hard to see past that black hole, but if you're with your family and friends they will help you feel the love that you are missing from your ex.

While this isn't the time to wallow, it might not be a bad idea to remind yourself of the things in the relationship that made you unhappy, or mad, or both. You don't want to dwell on the relationship too much at this point but reminding yourself of the bad times might help you gain a little clarity and move the healing process along a little bit.

What ever happens i personally will love you to know that you will get through it and you will find love and happiness again.No matter how you choose to go about it, just remember that healing from a broken relationship is possible.Just hang in there.If you learn from your past relationship you can take that knowledge with you into your next relationship which will help make that relationship even better and long lasting.

Do you know where love relationship advice or tips is most often very important in your relationship?Most often it is very easy to find love but then it is difficult more so it is a challenge often to be able to make it last. It is actually very possible to keep your love for each other very strong. It can be very easy and possible if both partners can understand why a relationship falls apart and make sure you, and your partner, avoid those traps. That's where love relationship advice comes in handy in a relationship.

With the advent of online dating sites there are more ways than ever to meet 'the one'. It's a much better method than cruising the bar scene looking for someone special. For most couples the first few months is pretty easy. You are falling in love and you think the other person is perfect. You can see no wrong in them or what they do. And maybe there isn't anything wrong with the way they, or you, act in the early stages of a relationship.

They say that familiarity breeds contempt and if that's true it would go a long way to explaining why the longer a relationship goes on the more it tends to break down.

Here is a list of some of the things you, and your partner, need to be on the lookout for in your relationship. These are common traps that many couples fall into without realizing it. If you know what to watch out for and can avoid these mistakes you will have a much better chance of keeping your relationship strong and healthy for a long time:

1. Unrealistic expectations.

As I said above we think our new love can do no wrong. As our relationship slowly changes from falling in love to being in love and all the day to day stresses and mundane tasks we must face, it's easy to lose some of that early 'glow'. This can be a pivotal time in many relationships, sometimes the couple will think that they just don't love each other anymore and break up.

In reality, in any long term relationship, you will spend a much longer time in this 'normal' mode than you will in the early 'glow' mode. It's important to recognize that this is all a normal progression in an adult relationship.

2. Inability to effectively communicate.

Men and women express themselves differently...that's just the way it is. The good news is that you can learn to communicate with your partner effectively, if you're willing to take some time to learn how. The whole 'it's a guy thing' or 'it's a girl thing' is only true to a point, and is largely just a cop out. In reality any mature, intelligent adult should be able to learn how to talk to their partner, and even more importantly, listen to their partner. The real question is do you care enough about your partner and the relationship to take the time?

3.Don't confuse sex with love.

This may sound obvious but men and women tend to look at sex in different ways. Women, for example, tend to look at sex as a way to connect with someone they love on a deeper physical level. Yes, it's pleasurable, but the pleasure isn't just physical it's emotional as well.

Men tend to look at sex as definition of who they are as a man. For them too, it's pleasurable but it's also a way to prove their desirability and masculinity. Sometimes when a relationship gets to the 'comfortable' stage this difference in views about sex can create problems. If one partner doesn't seem sexually interested in the other partner it can create severe stress on the relationship.

If your relationship gets to this point, it might help if you and your partner can remember that sex is only one small component of every thing your relationship is made up of. While for many couples, having an active sex life is an important part of the relationship, it's important to understand that as you age and your relationship grows, it probably won't be quite as important as it once was. That doesn't mean your partner doesn't love you or find you attractive, it's just a fairly common way for long term relationships to go.

One of life's blessings is being able to make a deep, long lasting, connection with another person I hope this love relationship advice will help you hold on to the love you've found. Make your connection last by learning how to avoid the pitfalls of some relationships.

Although all relationships are different,there are usually similar when it comes to those warning signs of a breakup which by the way is always wise to look out for.knowing this signs will avoid your chances of splitting up with you lover.Below are the 3 warning signs of a break up

1) The first is the green light when your partner is ignoring you.

This does not mean that there is no talking or communication or any of that no,no, actually by ignoring I mean when every thing is still normal,when the light is still green,but your partner starts loosing interest in you.when they stop asking you how you are,what you are feeling or even were you were?

When this is happening stop for a while and think why your partner could be ignoring you? Have you forgotten his or her birthday or some other special event? Have you been less than loving lately? Is he or she feeling neglected? People usually react over something they feel has happened. This could just be their perception but as he or she is your lover and you should be trying to keep him/her happy, you need to understand his/her point of view.

So why not surprise your partner with a nice meal, sit down and ask them what is going on? Why are they grumpy, although I would probably phrase that question a little better! It could be that they are preoccupied with a problem totally outside your relationship. Communication between couples is not always what it should be; so try talking. Who knows where it may lead?

2) The Yellow light is when your partner doesn’t want to see you or go out with you.

If your lover suddenly becomes unavailable and too busy to see you, the red warning light should go on but wait . There most be a reason why they are avoiding you and you need to find out what that is. Don’t be a doormat or perhaps I should say bedmat. There is no excuse, for not facing your boyfriend or girlfriend, to find out why they think it is acceptable to behave like this. Whatever you do, do not ignore these signals or you could find yourself in receipt of a break up letter.

3) The worst is the Red light which is when your partner is distant in the bedroom

Though sex is only a 3 letter word, it can cause huge problems. Just ask any couple who has been together a long time. Sometimes your family or life’s issues can get in the way of your lovemaking. It is also a well known fact, that the initial burst of animal attraction usually doesn’t last, so not making love every night is quite normal. What is not normal is not being intimate for months on end. Couples are held together by shared emotions and feelings. So don’t underestimate the power of a cuddle.

Although sometimes your partners mood will have nothing to do with your actions,it is always important to note it as an indication of trouble brewing.I guess i am trying to say You should always know when your partner is happy and when he or she is not.Because until you start paying attention and looking out for the above warning signs of a breakup, you will soon find yourself newly single and thinking what most have gone wrong.