Marriage: 5 Steps to Creating What You Want

Tommy Smothers of Smothers Brothers and Laugh-In fame, only for you baby boomers, said that the problem with not knowing what you are talking about and that is how to know when you’re finished. Or what about when you are driving some place you’ve never been before, do you know how to get there? How do you find out? Well if getting there in timely unstressed fashion is important to you will find a map, ask directions or otherwise get help. But all of that will not help unless you know where you want to go, you need to know where it is you want to be.

This is all true in a marriage relationship as well, doubly so. In a marriage you can stumble along going from crisis to crisis, from event to event and eventually wind up being married for fifty years or whatever number of years it is. The question you need ask yourself is; is that really what I want from my relationship, is this all there is to a marriage? If the answer is I want more from my marriage then you need to figure out a few things.

First, what is it you want from your marriage. Is it to be happy? Safe or contented? Whatever the answer is the second thing is ask yourself what does that look like to you, to your spouse. How would you define a happy marriage? What does being secure feel like to both of you? Third, talk to each other about these questions, make sure both of you are on the same page as to definitions of happiness, security or whatever it is you decide you want for yourselves.

This is really a crucial part of the process. If one of you is just saying “well, whatever you want is okay with me,” I can assure you, that this person’s needs will not be met and sooner or later there will be some resentment in him or her. Both parties need to discuss the issues and put in their thoughts, efforts and input because that is the only way they both will buy into the process. We’ve seen clients in our office saying, “I never really wanted kids, it was all just for her, I had no say in it.” Not only is this a total abdication of his responsibility but it also tells us that there was no real discussion or mutual decision about children and as a consequence resentment has set in.

The fourth step is to collect all of this data about every facet of your relationship in one spot, sort and then start negotiating where there are differences. This part of the process requires some maturity from both of you, don’t just stick to your position and say you are not going to move, be flexible. Look for places and ways to make adjustments to your expectations, needs and wants. Both of you, one can’t be always giving in because of the same as above, resentment.

This is not to say that there are not things about which you will not change or budge, but these types of things had better be about values and morals, not about wants and desires. Once you’ve come to a negotiated agreement the fifth step is to write it up as a statement of intention or a vision statement for your marriage. When you are writing it remember to be flexible and adaptable because as you grow as individuals and as a couple your expectations and wants will change as well, make room in you statement for that growth. Now you know where you are going it’s easier to find the right map, ask the right questions to get the help you need.

Remember the difference between a dream and a goal or vision is the written word.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Are We Falling Out of Love?

Many couples start to have doubts when the fur starts to fly. They start to wonder if they were “meant to be together” or if they ever loved each other. The reality is that every relationship goes through rough times. It is not the fact that you have disagreements or fights; it is the meaning that you attach to those experiences that decides whether it strengthens or breaks your relationship.

Unfortunately life has no rewind button and we cannot change what has already happened. What’s done is done. It is important to be clear about what you have the power to change and what is beyond your control. You can change the way your past affects you, but you can never change the events that have already happened. Giving up the dream of having a better past allows you to move forward to a better future.

There are things that we can learn even from the worst experiences of our life. What we do have the power to choose and control, is the meaning that we give to the things that happen to us. That is why two people can have the same experience and yet end up with totally different outcomes. One becomes bitter and miserable and the other chooses to love and enjoy life.

What meaning are you attaching to your experiences? What feelings do those meaning stir up in you? Do those thoughts and feelings lead you to be happy or miserable? If you had that choice would you rather be happy or miserable? The important thing for you to understand is the YOU DO HAVE THE CHOICE.

As human beings we have the amazing ability to manufacture happiness, even in the worst of circumstances. Christopher Reeve is one example of someone who chose to embrace and enjoy life regardless of circumstances.

It is not what happens to you that determines the outcome. It is the combination of what happens and the meaning you attach to it that determines the outcome. If you find yourself in love and hurting each other, it is time to take a step back and look at the choices you are making. Are your choices helping to get your needs met or are your choices getting in the way of the happiness that you want?

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Face Up to Relationship Problems

There are two ways to cope with any problem, you can ignore it or run from it; or you can face up to it. Ironically if you chose the first option, you may experience temporary relief, but you will end up worse in the long run; where if you choose to face up to the problem you will experience temporary pain and end up with relief.

Most people can understand this concept when it comes to their vehicle health. For example if your car is making strange clunking noises, you could ignore those signs to avoid taking it to a mechanic and the cost of repairs. Doing so may temporarily allow you to avoid spending money on your car, however the cost could be a break down on the freeway, a much more expensive repair or a car that is not repairable at all.

The same thing applies in your relationships. There may be signs or symptoms that are trying to get your attention. Just as with car problems, these problems will not go away simply because you ignore or run away from them. Distracting yourself with television, video games, computer, work, sports or whatever it is that you use to “get away” from you problems is only helping you get temporary relief and long-term grief.

One of the most important relationship tasks we have is to allow our experience to help us grow. We tend to fall into the trap of thinking that our partner needs to change to make our relationship better. However, far more important than confronting our partner about our relationship is confronting our self. We need to face up to our contribution to the present problems.

We need to stop running away from or avoiding frustrations in our relationship. Once we do that we can begin to take full responsibility for our self. We can ask ourselves, what do our frustrations have to teach us about our self? How can we begin to step up and be there for our self?

As long as we continue to blame our partner for the problems in our relationship, we make ourselves powerless to improve things. Taking 100% responsibility for our relationship allows us to go through the discomfort of standing up to our self and standing up for our self, so that our relationship can regain its health and strength.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Generous in Your Relationships

Begin each day with a question, “What can I do today to make my relationships better?” and then do something. Some small thing done each day, will cumulatively make a huge difference in your relationships.

Like the Rolling Stones song, Can’t Get No Satisfaction, the more we run around trying to satisfy ourselves the more elusive satisfaction becomes. Stopping the focus on “self” is the place to begin.

Compassion means feeling the feelings of others. Compassion means trying to understand how others are feeling—putting our self in their shoes. This can be difficult, if we are all wrapped up in “woe is me’s.” If we are focused in on our own hurt feelings or our own dissatisfaction, it can be hard to see past that to the fact that others may have hurt feelings and dissatisfactions of their own.

Why do we need to be more generous in our relationships? Because being generous is just plain more fun. Life is so much more fun and satisfaction much more attainable when we are generous, when we celebrate and enjoy, rather than whine and complain.

Use your generosity to create a hopeful vision for your relationships.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Tame the Emotional Monsters

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with anger, frustration, or guilt? Has the flood of emotion been so great that it has distorted your judgment and hampered your ability to behave appropriately? If you have ever been overtaken by emotional monsters, then you may appreciate knowing how to tame the beast.

The first important thing to remember is not to resist and not to act (just yet). It is important to welcome and accept your emotions, good and bad. See them as a way to learn about yourself. What are your emotions telling you? What can you discover about yourself? What are the needs behind your emotions?

Like small children, your emotions will keep pestering you until you pay attention to them. When you disregard or resist your emotions, telling yourself, I don’t want to or I shouldn’t feel this way, those feelings tend to intensify rather than fade. If you do manage to stuff them down for a while, they are going to pop up again, most likely at the worst time.

Jealousy, hostility, and pettiness are going to taint your relationships and make your life miserable. To avoid this you must tame these emotional monsters. Albert Einstein said, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” Make friends with your emotions, be kind and accepting to them, but do not allow them to take you over.

Just as we should not let our friends control us; we do not allow our emotions to control us. Instead we listen to and learn from our emotions. As we do that, we will find the monster has turned into a choice friend.

Allow yourself to pause and fully accept and feel your emotions and then allow them to dissolve. You can then use what you learn about yourself to assertively meet your own needs. You can ACT rather than react.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.

Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-creator of a Healthy Weight Loss System.

Offers a free report: Weight Loss Myths Exposed

Relationship Course Corrections

Are your choices giving the results that you want? Take a look at your relationship. Are you on course? Is your relationship meeting your needs, it is meeting your partner’s needs? Does it feel good to you or are you struggling along?

In 1979, a sightseeing flight from New Zealand to Antarctica, with 257 passengers onboard ended in tragedy. Unknown to the pilots, there was a two-degree error in the flight coordinates. This small error put the plane 28 miles off course by the time they approached Antarctica. When they descended to a lower altitude to give the passengers a better view of the landscape they found themselves directly in the path of Mount Erebus.

Unfortunately many couples ignore small warning signs in their relationship, hoping that somehow the relationship will self-correct. This generally leads to disaster.

Couples that stay the course, that are satisfied in their relationship, have just as many obstacles and disagreements, but they make adjustments as they go, they learn from their experience together, they check in with one another, they express their thoughts and feelings, they forgive one another, and they don’t hang onto the garbage that would eventually weigh them down and cause them to crash.

The 1979 disaster could have been prevented had the navigational planners realized and corrected their error. Unfortunately is seems they made no attempts to check the flight plan co-ordinates against the geographical reality (the mountain in the flight path).

Unfortunately many people approach life with the attitude, I am right and don’t confuse me with the facts. They make little or no attempt to do a reality check in their relationship.

You need to get real in your relationship. It is important to understand that neither your nor your partner’s perceptions actually represent reality. They simply represent your interpretations of reality. When you make a serious attempt to also see things from your partner perspective, to really hear and understand how they are feeling and thinking, not to judge them or to prove that they are wrong, but to make a serious attempt to see things from their perspective, you will come closer to getting real. When you get real in your relationship you are in a better position to see and make needed corrections.

Don’t wait to make a course correction, until you crash into a mountain, don’t wait until your relationship is dead. Start making choices that will give you the results you want.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships: Don't Do That

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou

Frequently when receiving marriage counsel you are asked to do something. Maybe you are told to talk more about your feelings or to listen more empathetically to your spouse, or perhaps to set goals and create a vision. These are good and important activities in your relationship but there is something different that will be asked of you today. That is to refrain from doing something—to not do something that may be aggravating your relationship.

To begin you will need to do something, make a list of things in your relationship that would cause Dr. Phil to ask, “And how is that working for you?” This list can include little day-to-day irritants to your spouse or major trust and love issues. If you have been married for any length of time you will have a list already because these are the things your spouse brings up every time you get into a fight or have a disagreement. You know the “you always do that,” or “this happens every time,” and the ever present “you’ll never change.” Just fill in the blank.

Next, seriously consider which of these issues you can’t or won’t change. Saying that you are not willing to change something about yourself is okay. In fact it is essential to stand up for yourself, there are values and beliefs that you hold dear that make you, well, you. Becoming someone you are not for your spouse is a sure road to resentment, dislike, frustration and pain. It will in no way ever leads to happiness, not for you, not for your relationship and not for your spouse. So you must look at your list and decide which of the items are not open for discussion or change. You really have to be brutally honest with yourself here, make sure when you say you can’t change something it is not just because you don’t want to, or you are too lazy to. Be fair to yourself, your spouse and your relationship.

Now you should have a shortened list of things that you are willing to work on, to change or drop completely. The next step requires some hard thought, prioritize your list, use whatever parameters you choose. It could be from the most irritating to your spouse to the least, or maybe from the shortest time to change to the longest, perhaps from the easiest to the hardest. However you make the choice make sure it is your decision because it is best and easiest for you when you “buy into it.”

Now comes the different part, stop doing that particular thing. Make a decision to not do whatever it is that you have chosen not to do. Make a positive affirmation statement that you can repeat about the issue. An example of this could be: “I am happy, content and grateful for the changes dropping this (fill in the blank) has brought into my life, into the life of my spouse, and into our relationship.” Repeat this to yourself several times a day, with conviction and with positive emotion.

It is equally important to realize that you will have slip-ups and that it is not the end of the world, cut yourself some slack, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again. It helps to determine some time frames so that you can celebrate the times when you succeed. Finally work your way through the list. Don’t get impatient, be happy with your attempts and keep trying.

“Many aspire to change the world but few realize that everyone accomplishes that goal. Each day you live you are changing something. Rather than simply changing the world, one should aspire to make a positive change with each action they commit.” unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine