Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents

If you had a perfect childhood, you may not feel that you need to heal your relationship with your parents. But since most of us grew up in less than perfect some healing may be welcome.

What is the thing that you have tried for years to get from your mother or from your father? Is it approval, unconditional love, or acceptance?

If you are now an adult, I would like to extend a challenge to take hold of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your parents have been or are unable to give you what you want and need. As long as you remain where you are, waiting for them to change so that you can be happy, you will continue to experience disappointment and frustration.

If on the other hand you want to take charge of your life and heal your relationship with your parents then I have some suggestions that might help:

First of all know that there are times and cases where the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to avoid or minimize contact with your parents. If there is or was abuse and the abuser refuses to accept responsibility, you may need to limit contact. You have the right to protect yourself, without guilt.

Also know that what you need and want from your mother or father may not be within their power to give you. They may not know how to love unconditionally or how to show approval. They may not have received these in their own childhoods.

Know that you are the one who wants things to improve and that the only person you can change is you. Accept that you have the ability to begin to heal your relationships. Begin by healing your relationship with you. You can choose to give yourself approval, unconditional love and acceptance.

Know that you can begin to heal your relationship with your parents by offering them what it is that you need and want from them. Become your own grandparent. If you have been seeking approval for years, give your parents approval. If you feel you have been missing unconditional acceptance, give that to your parents.

It may be a little awkward at first since these are probably not things that they are used to hearing or receiving—if they were used to being treated this way you would already be getting it from them. But if you persist there is a good possibility that some of what you are giving to them will start coming back to you. As they start to feel loved and accepted they will be more able to share that with others.

Even if they never change, you will benefit from becoming an adult with your parents. You will feel more empowered and sure of yourself.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Appreciation Habit

If you have ever had the stomach flu for a few days running and have been unable to eat, you know how incredible that first piece of buttered toast tastes. The toast has not changed, it is your awareness that has changed; your attention if focused on the experience of eating the toast and you savor it, enjoy it and are grateful to be able to eat.

Think about the things that you regularly do each day with little or no attention. Anything that has become a habit falls into this category. You probably have your morning ritual, shower, dress, eat, brush teeth, most of which you could almost do in your sleep. In a way you sort of are sleeping. You are not really awake, aware and paying attention to what you are doing.

How many of the things that are essential to our survival do we simply take for granted? If they were not there we would be miserable, but because they are always there we don’t even notice them. We don’t appreciate what we have because it just becomes part of the background. You cannot be grateful for that which you are unaware.

Unfortunately, all too often our interactions with our partner can become “ritualized”. Asking, “How was your day,” but not really listening or paying attention to each other or the feelings behind the person.

We hear the comment from clients that their partner appreciates strangers more than they appreciate them. The sad thing is that when a stranger does something nice for us we express gratitude because the kindness was unexpected and therefore we noticed it. We expect our partner to be kind to us and when they are we often don’t express gratitude because they are simply doing what they should do. What we do “notice” is if they do or say something unkind.

When we choose to wake up and appreciate our partner daily we will begin to see an increase in love and gratitude. People have a natural tendency to ignore those things that happen frequently. If you live close to an airport you may have found that at first the noise of the planes was annoying, but after a while you didn’t hear the planes anymore. Your brain simply filters it out as not relevant and the noise becomes part of the background.

This ability of our brain to selectively pay attention is part of what helps us cope in life. There are so many things vying for our concentration, it is impossible to give everything our full attention. However, if we allow ourselves to tune out our partner or interact with them thoughtlessly, our relationship is going to suffer. By interacting thoughtlessly I mean interacting on auto pilot.

Make it a habit to frequently (daily is ideal) give your partner your full attention.
Giving our partner our full attention will help us feel appreciation for them. Develop the habit of appreciation in your relationship and watch your passion bloom.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Power of Acceptance

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship. The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being. Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Death Knell for Relationship

Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” “That is just stupid,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” indicate a lack of respect for your partner.

It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,” without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.

A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?” or “Why would I want to be with someone who thinks that I am less than he is?”

When you frequently take the position that you are superior to your partner--that you are smarter or more attractive--you have lost the sense of equality that is important to a healthy relationship. Looking down on your partner will cause them to either fight or withdraw. Either way, their self-image will be weakened and you will pay a heavy price for making your partner the loser in your relationship.

One component of a mature relationship is the ability to tolerate differences. Maturity means recognizing that when your partner disagrees with you they are not necessarily wrong, they are just different. Differences can add richness to your relationship, as long as respect is involved.

Part of setting healthy boundaries in your relationship involves understanding who owns feelings, thoughts and opinions. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Your partner is responsible for his own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Each of you is entitled to feel, think and decide for yourself. Each of you is entitled to have your thoughts, feelings and opinions respected.

If your partner is frequently treating you with contempt it is important that you look after yourself. Do not give in to the fight or withdraw reflex. Being aggressive or passive will not improve the situation. You want to assertively fortify your personal boundaries. When you stand up for yourself in a respectful way your partner will hopefully follow suit.

If you don’t stand up to your partner for fear that their reaction could be dangerous either physically or emotionally, then you might want to get help or get out.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Renewal

In our counseling practice we are often asked to help people repair broken marriages. Often one partner wants to “win back” the love of their partner, who is adamant that they have fallen out of love. Sometime both parties want to find their way back to love.

If you want to set your marriage back on track there are some things you will want to keep in mind. It can be very devastating to learn that your partner does not love you any more. Many people end up running in circles trying to discover the reason and find some way to convince their partner that they are still lovable.

We have been programmed to think that there must be a pill or a quick fix for everything. People think, ‘If I can just figure out and do what it is my partner says they want from me then everything will be fine.’ Unfortunately this often only increases the problems.

There is no quick fix. You have consistently neglected to do the little things that needed doing. That is how you ended up where you are today. There is no grand gesture that can erase the past. Instead, it will be the consistent doing of the little things that eventually may add up to a renewal of your marriage.

If you are a gardener you know that to enjoy a bountiful harvest, you must first plant the seeds, then weed and water and WAIT. Waiting is part of the process. Consistently tending your garden over time will result in a great harvest.

If you have not weeded or water your garden, rushing in at the last minute to pull the huge weeds and pour water on the garden will not get the same results. When you pull out the huge weeds the plants will be weak and vulnerable. If you pour on too much water you may drown them. If you don’t tenderly allow them to grow and strengthen, you will never get the results you desire.

William George Jordan said, “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil - the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what a man really is, not what he pretends to be.”

If you want your partner to fall in love with you again, you must be your best self. It will not work to pretend to be who your partner thinks s/he wants you to be. But changing your behavior to begin nourishing your relationship rather than neglecting it could in time make all the difference.

If you say to yourself, I have always cared about our relationship and I have worked on nurturing it. Chances are you are only deceiving yourself. If you want to save your relationship you will need to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask: In what ways has my attitude and behavior contributed to our problems? Then do something about it.

If S/he Loved Me . . .

"Two men look out from the same prison bars. One sees mud and one the stars." Unknown

A young friend recently shared her thirtieth birthday experience with me:

To her turning thirty was a big deal and she wanted to celebrate. She knew that her husband was in the middle of mid-terms as well as a heavy assignment load and that he would not have the time to plan a party for her. Knowing that her husband loved her, but was too stressed to make her birthday what she wanted it to be, she decided that she was going to make this special for herself. She got her three small children involved and planned and decorated for her own party. She said that she had the greatest day as she decided to treat herself and have fun that day. Consequently she, her husband and her family have wonderful memories of her thirtieth birthday.

What a mature and self-empowering approach to life.

Contrast this with someone moodily brooding and worrying that they were not going to get the party that they wanted for their birthday—getting more miserable the closer the day came. When the day arrives they are sullen and angry. They tell themselves, “If my partner loved me s/he would know that I wanted a fuss made over my birthday—therefore s/he doesn’t really care and doesn’t really love me.” They choose to spend the day in the garden eating worms, creating yet another traumatic memory.

You have the option of making yourself perfectly miserable or the choice to be “happy with.” You can choose to be happy with yourself, with your partner, with your children, with life in general.

There is a tendency when people don’t really feel that they are loveable, to manufacture experiences to prove that they are unloved. They set themselves up to be repeatedly disappointed. Thus proving what they believed all along that they are unloved and unlovable.

Choosing to be loving to oneself is one of the quickest ways to begin to feel love from others. When people accept and love themselves they are able to release others from constantly having to prove that they are lovable. They are free to ask for what they want because they know that they are worth it. Sometimes people are afraid to ask because they are not sure that they are worth it and they want someone else to decide and show them that they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine