Death Knell for Relationship

Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” “That is just stupid,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” indicate a lack of respect for your partner.

It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,” without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.

A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?” or “Why would I want to be with someone who thinks that I am less than he is?”

When you frequently take the position that you are superior to your partner--that you are smarter or more attractive--you have lost the sense of equality that is important to a healthy relationship. Looking down on your partner will cause them to either fight or withdraw. Either way, their self-image will be weakened and you will pay a heavy price for making your partner the loser in your relationship.

One component of a mature relationship is the ability to tolerate differences. Maturity means recognizing that when your partner disagrees with you they are not necessarily wrong, they are just different. Differences can add richness to your relationship, as long as respect is involved.

Part of setting healthy boundaries in your relationship involves understanding who owns feelings, thoughts and opinions. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Your partner is responsible for his own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Each of you is entitled to feel, think and decide for yourself. Each of you is entitled to have your thoughts, feelings and opinions respected.

If your partner is frequently treating you with contempt it is important that you look after yourself. Do not give in to the fight or withdraw reflex. Being aggressive or passive will not improve the situation. You want to assertively fortify your personal boundaries. When you stand up for yourself in a respectful way your partner will hopefully follow suit.

If you don’t stand up to your partner for fear that their reaction could be dangerous either physically or emotionally, then you might want to get help or get out.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Renewal

In our counseling practice we are often asked to help people repair broken marriages. Often one partner wants to “win back” the love of their partner, who is adamant that they have fallen out of love. Sometime both parties want to find their way back to love.

If you want to set your marriage back on track there are some things you will want to keep in mind. It can be very devastating to learn that your partner does not love you any more. Many people end up running in circles trying to discover the reason and find some way to convince their partner that they are still lovable.

We have been programmed to think that there must be a pill or a quick fix for everything. People think, ‘If I can just figure out and do what it is my partner says they want from me then everything will be fine.’ Unfortunately this often only increases the problems.

There is no quick fix. You have consistently neglected to do the little things that needed doing. That is how you ended up where you are today. There is no grand gesture that can erase the past. Instead, it will be the consistent doing of the little things that eventually may add up to a renewal of your marriage.

If you are a gardener you know that to enjoy a bountiful harvest, you must first plant the seeds, then weed and water and WAIT. Waiting is part of the process. Consistently tending your garden over time will result in a great harvest.

If you have not weeded or water your garden, rushing in at the last minute to pull the huge weeds and pour water on the garden will not get the same results. When you pull out the huge weeds the plants will be weak and vulnerable. If you pour on too much water you may drown them. If you don’t tenderly allow them to grow and strengthen, you will never get the results you desire.

William George Jordan said, “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil - the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what a man really is, not what he pretends to be.”

If you want your partner to fall in love with you again, you must be your best self. It will not work to pretend to be who your partner thinks s/he wants you to be. But changing your behavior to begin nourishing your relationship rather than neglecting it could in time make all the difference.

If you say to yourself, I have always cared about our relationship and I have worked on nurturing it. Chances are you are only deceiving yourself. If you want to save your relationship you will need to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask: In what ways has my attitude and behavior contributed to our problems? Then do something about it.

If S/he Loved Me . . .

"Two men look out from the same prison bars. One sees mud and one the stars." Unknown

A young friend recently shared her thirtieth birthday experience with me:

To her turning thirty was a big deal and she wanted to celebrate. She knew that her husband was in the middle of mid-terms as well as a heavy assignment load and that he would not have the time to plan a party for her. Knowing that her husband loved her, but was too stressed to make her birthday what she wanted it to be, she decided that she was going to make this special for herself. She got her three small children involved and planned and decorated for her own party. She said that she had the greatest day as she decided to treat herself and have fun that day. Consequently she, her husband and her family have wonderful memories of her thirtieth birthday.

What a mature and self-empowering approach to life.

Contrast this with someone moodily brooding and worrying that they were not going to get the party that they wanted for their birthday—getting more miserable the closer the day came. When the day arrives they are sullen and angry. They tell themselves, “If my partner loved me s/he would know that I wanted a fuss made over my birthday—therefore s/he doesn’t really care and doesn’t really love me.” They choose to spend the day in the garden eating worms, creating yet another traumatic memory.

You have the option of making yourself perfectly miserable or the choice to be “happy with.” You can choose to be happy with yourself, with your partner, with your children, with life in general.

There is a tendency when people don’t really feel that they are loveable, to manufacture experiences to prove that they are unloved. They set themselves up to be repeatedly disappointed. Thus proving what they believed all along that they are unloved and unlovable.

Choosing to be loving to oneself is one of the quickest ways to begin to feel love from others. When people accept and love themselves they are able to release others from constantly having to prove that they are lovable. They are free to ask for what they want because they know that they are worth it. Sometimes people are afraid to ask because they are not sure that they are worth it and they want someone else to decide and show them that they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

"The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." Al Batt

As a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?” It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.

It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.

So as a marriage counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?” “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”

As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other. Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Grow Up or Grow Apart

Recently a client came to an ah-ha realization. He commented that perhaps they got along better when they were dating because they recognized that they were two separate people but once they got married they started expecting the other to make them feel good. He explained that his thinking that had been, “if she loved me she would make me happy and because I love her I should be able to make her happy. I’m certainly not doing a very good job of that.”

Often in relationships there is one person who get labeled as the “bad guy” or the “problem.” Sometimes each person is busy labeling the other as the “problem.” There is a break through moment when we realize that we need to give up blaming our partner and wishing that they would change in order for us to be able to move forward. You have heard repeatedly that the only person you can change is you. If we understand this, why are so many of us still waiting for our partner to make the first move so that things can improve?

Many couples seeking counseling or just seeking to improve their relationship, find that the more they try to give the complaining partner what s/he thinks s/he wants the less things seem to improve. Many will then throw up their hands and declare we must have fallen out of love.

But the reality is that if you can’t be happy with what you’ve got, you will not be happy when you get what you think you want. The problem is not out there; the problem lies within. When we lack self-respect and self-acceptance, first we are going to choose partners who prove our beliefs to be true and then we are going to attach meaning to their behavior to show that they do not respect or accept us.

Our first task in growing up so that we don’t grow apart is to come to peace with our self. When we learn to take full responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions, we realize that our partner can’t make us feel happy or mad or sad, we realize that we have choices for our thoughts, feelings and actions. Many people recognize their responsibility on an intellectual level, however when their emotions are triggered, reason flies out the window.

It is absolutely imperative for a lasting relationship to be respectful, kind and considerate to your partner and as partner’s we should expect good treatment from each other. The reality is that there will also always be bad days; times when we are preoccupied, or possibly short tempered. When we need our partner to be perfectly giving and loving in order for us to feel accepted and loved we set ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

It is not that lasting couples do not argue or disagree; it is that they attach different meanings to those experiences. Instead of thinking, “S/he doesn’t really love me—I’m not lovable.” They think, “We love each other and we will figure this out.” They don’t need their partner to constantly prove to them that they are okay, because they are okay with who they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Simplify Your Relationships

Simplifying our lives is an ongoing struggle in this fast paced technological world. We are encouraged to simplify and unclutter our lives to make more room for relationships. Is it possible or desirable to simplify our relationships?

Do we make our relationships more complicated than they need to be? We make our lives more complicated than they need to be whenever we:

Demand Others Be a Certain Way to Make Us Comfortable

We complicate our relationships by expecting others to behave as we would and make choices so that we can feel comfortable. We can simplify our relationships by accepting that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences. We need to be clear about our own values and principles and become principle rather than preference based in our disagreements. There are going to be times where we will just have to agree to disagree and that is okay.

Worry About Things Over Which We Have No Control

Worry, anxiety and stress complicate our relationships. Mark Twain said, “Ninety-eight percent of what I worried about never happened.” We can simplify our relationships greatly if when we have a concern we ask ourselves, “Is there anything that we can do to make this better.” If the answer is yes, then do it; if the answer is no, then take a deep breath and make the best of the situation.

Get Stuck in Anger, Guilt or Resentment

Releasing negative emotions will not only simply your relationships, but at the same time will make your life a much more comfortable place to be. Often acknowledging and accepting how you feel can be the first step to releasing that negative feeling. People tend to deny or gloss over their negative feelings, saying, “I’m not mad at you, or I don’t feel guilty.” Denying your feelings will complicate your relationships and make it less likely that you will get your needs met.

Miscommunicate

Much of what complicates relationships is simply miscommunication. Years ago, when I gave my daughter directions for how to get to my office for the first time, I spent a long time waiting for her to arrive, because although the directions seemed clear to me, they meant something else to her. I told her to turn on Quebec Ave. the first turn after the department store. Since there was only one way to turn on Quebec, I didn’t tell her which way to turn. She took the literal first turn after the department store going the opposite direction (not Quebec Ave). Unfortunately she did not have a cell phone at the time. Listening to understand and asking clarifying questions can greatly simplify your relationships and your life.

Manipulate and Play Games

When we play games rather than asking for what we need or want, we cause confusion and complicate our lives unnecessarily. Honesty is the solution for manipulation and game playing. We need to be honest first with ourself and then with our partner. What are our motives? When we are clear and open with each other we not only gain simplicity in our relationship, but we increase the level of trust. Trust is essential for any lasting relationship.

The simplified relationship is made up of two whole people, happy with themselves and others, who confidently ask for what they need, who are willing to listen to understand each other and who are honest and clear with each other. Simplicity in relationship is beautiful and comfortable.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Vacation Musing

Recently while on holiday in the Dominican Republic with my wife, I had the opportunity to meet a young family, a father, mother and two daughters. The oldest daughter might have been fifteen but probably was a little younger and her sister was maybe eleven or twelve. We had the opportunity to take a tour together and spend some time with them during that tour. Watching this family interact with each other and enjoy their vacation together was a blessing.

I thought to myself that no matter what their life was like back at home, here they enjoyed each other’s company, they loved being together. Then as I continued to observe them I came to the realization that this vacation was just a continuation of their relationship at all times. This family was happy and well adjusted, it would not matter where they were or who they were with, they were happy with each other.

As a marriage and family counselor, I perhaps see a disproportional number of dysfunctional families and I was intrigued with this family. No, I was not stalking them, just that when I saw them in the resort I felt a peace and contentment watching them. What was it that made them so happy with each other? We were at the same resort for seven days and so we would bump into each other on an almost daily basis and I was amazed at the politeness of the daughters and their seemingly pleasure at meeting us again.

Watching them one night as they sat across the room from us in a restaurant I was reminded of a quote by David O McKay, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” As I watched them that night I was struck by the relationship that husband and wife had. They both obviously loved each other, with that goes almost automatically, they treated each other with dignity and respect. Their interactions with each other were full of tenderness and love.

Oh they laughed and teased each other and were not namby pamby at all. There was a light in their eyes for each other that anyone could see. And the best part of this was that same light was in their eyes when they interacted with their daughters. That same light of love and respect was in their children’s eyes when they talked to their parents and each other.

I am not saying that this family didn’t have their share of squabbles, arguments and fights, they did. Not that I saw them, but they are humans and that is that. A sad fact of life is that people in love disagree and this can be a source of conflict. But what I am saying is that I feel this family dealt with their problems in a constructive way, guided by the love and respect they have for each other.

I am not trying to paint a picture of perfection, no I am saying that there are ways and means to relate to your loved ones in every situation you find yourselves in that demonstrate your love and concern for them. Ways that allow them and you to feel respected and honored and loved no matter the problem. In any relationship, but most importantly family relationships, we must not make the other the problem. Remember instead that they are someone you love and there is a problem or disagreement between you. They are never the problem.
Quite possibly that family might have been one of the highlights of my vacation. If nothing else they restore my faith in human relationships. I am reminded of a quote by the English author George Bernard Shaw: “Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.”

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine