Does divorce typically make adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage? Many Americans assume so. "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" represents the first serious effort to investigate this assumption empirically. The finding? Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Here are links to the executive summary of the study at The Institute for American Values. It is short and easy to read and I encourage every person who is considering divorce to read it.

You can read it online or read the pdf.

For review purposes and to show you how interesting and important the study is, here are just a couple of the findings

 

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.[2]
• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later. 

Please take time to read the whole report. Thank you so much Institute for Family Values



After you read the report and thank The Institute for American Values,  please check out my relationship books.


 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com

Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95


Now available in Kindle!

 Check out the free mobile app for  special savings for mobile app users 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback 

Click here to preview in Kindle!

 

Got a budget? For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.  
 




I heard a radio program this morning about the graying of divorce and reference was made to a Wall Street Journal article entitled The Gray Divorcée. So of course, as soon as I arrived at Starbucks to do my morning work I looked it up.

 Here it is the Wall Street Journal article about the graying of divorce.

The information in the article is not surprising to me, since I've been in the helping couples line of work for 25 years. Nevertheless, it is eye opening. I recommend you check it out.

Basically the article states that it used to be that only 1 in 10 divorces was someone over 50 years of age. Just before the article was written the rate had skyrocketed to 1 in 4 divorcing people is over 50. In most of the cases, (men, take note) it is the woman who files for divorce.


Here is something I found interesting in the well written WSJ article about predictors for a late life break up:  According to John Mordecai Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle and author of "What Predicts Divorce?," the behavioral precursors to late-life or empty nest divorce are no different from those for younger couples—criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling."

Now that I think about it, I can see that when my mom and step dad began to have obvious issues in their marriage, the thing that I observed most clearly as an 18 to 22 year old was the contempt. I remember my mom criticizing everything that he did for years, though often behind his back. Meanwhile he scratched his head and could not figure out what was wrong.

Eventually the resentment built up until it came out as open unabashed utter contempt and resentful dirty looks and snickering at each other, even at the dinner table.

She was determined to turn everyone against him and then destroy what they had together. She almost succeeded in turning the kids against him, and she succeeded in destroying what they had. She lived out the rest of her life in poverty.    


The radio program where I had learned about the graying of divorce phenomenon was also informative. It was a Focus on the Family interview with a Ted Cunningham, author of Great Parents, Lousy Lovers. It aired on February 24, 2014. The author who was being interviewed talked about children centered marriages and how when the kids have left home, the empty nesters, for reasons I'm sure you can guess (and it's usually not infidelity), such marriages will think of breaking up.

What is mentioned in the radio program and which I agree with and have been warning people about in some of my other articles and posts is this: The empty nesters who decide to divorce rationalize that "since the kids are grown up it won't affect them." But they are wrong. Their divorce hurts the kids.

The sound byte version of why it hurts the kids is because their divorce is a broken promise. The parents have done their best to put up a good front and to act like their marriage is who they are and that commitment is what life is about. Now their infidelity to those values is like a broken promise, a lie, a betrayal.

Two books by adult kids of parents who divorced, even when they the kids were already grown up, and about how they feel about their parents divorce and how it has affected them are

The Way They Were: Dealing with your Parents' Divorce after a Lifetime of Marriage and

Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and Dealing with our Pain

But it goes far deeper than that. Marriage is more than you think. It is not about getting our needs met, nor is it just some sort of arrangement. It is sacred. It is a framework within which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.

But just as Rome was not built in a day, a marriage is not ruined in a day. The hurt feelings, undercurrents of resentment, and bitterness have been coming for a long time.

Can the marriage be salvaged? I cannot say. But one thing I can say, is that your emotional and spiritual health can be salvaged. It does not really matter what the other does--whether that person changes or not, whether they appreciate you or not, whether communication improves or not.

If you remain resentful, it will undermine your well being. The emotion of resentment creates an inner atmosphere which you take with you everywhere. Even if the world were suddenly to become perfect, then you would still resent others for their joy, their superiority to you, the fact that they did not worship you or some other reason.

Here are some principles to reestablish a calm happy spirit

1. Let go of resentment and judgment. I cannot tell you here all the reasons why resentment is bad for you, I have 17 books on the subject.

2. Check out my meditations. They are designed to help people calm down, cope with stress, and get in touch with their own calm center of dignity. There you will find intuition, and when you follow what you know in your heart is right, it will help you sort through things and find your way.  
    The meditations don't work for everyone, but for some, they are a God sent.

3. Don't try to change others.

4. You must realize that you are surrounded by wall to wall temptation. There is a lot of error and deceit out there. You must learn how to get in touch with your intuition and follow it. Remember it is your little corner of the world, your home, your life, your health. Some so called expert who eggs you on to divorce will not be hurt in the slightest or even care if you follow her advise, throw away what you have spend years building and ruin your life.

5. Don't be in a hurry. First get centered. Take some time to get to know yourself and learn to overcome stress. If you are resentful, you are being conquered by stress. Don't let this happen. You have seen what not dealing with stress properly has done to others. Remember what I said - your first line of defense is to not become resentful. 

  



 

Here's my 1 minute sound byte about The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and my special offer of a free eBook as a token of my appreciation for a donation of any amount.



Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your iPhone, computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. A great introduction and good for marrieds, singles, and people in long term and short term relationships. When issues arise, this book explains the why.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book.  




Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better? What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. 

Then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from my 25 years of experience. Plus the books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help keep this blog going, you are actually paying forward to help others. I frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Hello, everyone. My good friend Mr. Bear and I made a little video to tell you about my Kindle edition of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

Actually it was Mr. Bear's idea. I was telling him about the great Kindle edition. But then I told him there is only one review there  : (     

My Kindle edition and my print edition are not linked together, and then Mr. Bear said "Roland, you need some help. Let me take over."

Basically, based on Mr. Bear's recommendation, the price has been reduced to $3.95 for the Kindle edition. And you don't even need a Kindle to read it online in the Kindle cloud. Today a lady got the book and started reading it within seconds.

The lower price is for a limited time only. Please take advantage of an opportunity to purchase this special book.



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 

Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?

Can we reconcile?



Based on over 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 



Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 25 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Click here to look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com







Oh dear, the temporary sale has ended, but it is still excellent value at $7.95   Mr. Bear and I will discuss, and maybe we will have a sale again soon.  You can always get the pdf. for a donation of any amount.  


.

Courtesy of http://3d-gif-animations.blogspot.com/

You can text a question or ask a  question at Liveperson.

If he is online, you can start live chatting right now. 


 He started his radio show in San Francisco  25 years ago. Every since, he has volunteered his time and effort to help people.


Got a question about a relationship? Dating and courtship? Marriage? Improving communication and healing a relationship? 

You  have probably already guessed that this is by far Roland's most popular  blog!

People come from all over the world who are having relationship  and marriage issues. At his blog you will find (in the right sidebar)  links to his most popular articles and posts.



You can also preview free and order his popular book The Myths and  Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work.



Now Roland also has free chat for your quick customer service questions.  

Not ready for counseling? Just got a question?
Wondering about something?

Just look in the right sidebar. If I am here, I'll live chat with your right away! If I'm helping someone else or away, then you can send an email. Free too

Name me another author of 17 books who makes himself available to personally answer your questions. 





Are you looking for ultra confidential counseling online?

Liveperson does not reveal your name, phone, or email address to its experts.




Hello, this is Roland. I give fast, intuitive answers with positive solutions! I'm sure I have some valuable information that will assist you with any relationship issue you are dealing with. 

I will listen to you talk (because I know what it feels like when people don't really listen). I look forward to hearing from you. Get some answers today from the convenience of your home or office. 

I keep my fee low and can answer questions very quickly. Here are just a few of the issues I have helped people sort out, cope with, and find happy solutions for:







Please be advised that online counseling is not appropriate for all issues. Nor is it a substitute for face to face counseling with your mental health professional or spiritual care giver. 

Online counseling is not for you if you are under 18, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, if this is an emergency, if you are having psychotic symptoms, if you are presently under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or if there is domestic violence or abuse. Before contacting us, read this important information first about getting immediate help.

If you or someone in your family are experiencing bullying, child abuse, or domestic violence or abuse, you should seek help immediately from your local social service agency, mental health professionals, law enforcement, or child protective services. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help right away. Internet and phone use can be monitored. Be careful. If need be go to a safe phone or safe internet connection to get professional help immediately.


  If you are experiencing an emergency, please call your local or national mental health crisis hotline, your medical doctor or 911 to receive immediate attention. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, get help immediately. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. You may call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  to be connected to the nearest crisis hotline.
  If you are outside the United States look here to find the nearest help. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help immediately.

Lessons from Happy Couples

Great lessons can be learned from observing happy, long-term couples. They have found ways to protect and nurture their relationship. If you would like to improve the prospects of your relationship lasting a lifetime and more, continue or adopt the following behaviors and attitudes.


Happy, long-term couples tend to:

1. Express gratitude and appreciation. Long-term couples have come to accept each other’s idiosyncrasies and avoid nit-picking each other. They recognize that preferences are neither right nor wrong, just preferences. They have cultivated respect for their differences.
2. Are willing to listen to each other, even when they do not agree. And they are willing to let go of the things that they cannot agree on. They have learned to pick their battles and choose not to squabble over the small stuff.
3. Talk respectfully to and about each other. They avoid swearing, name-calling and insults. They solve problems together, rather than making each other the problem.
4. Continue connecting. They continue to share who they are and how they are changing with each other. They do not assume that they are the same people they were when they first met. They have a truly intimate relationship because they continue to know each other.
5. Fight fair. They recognize that there will always be disagreements, but they choose not to be rude or obnoxious with each other. They approach their differences maturely and recognize that if one of them loses, they both lose. They are able to be open and honest with each other, work to understand each other’s perspective and appreciate their differences.
6. Continue to play. Rather than getting stuck in a rut, they continue to explore together. They are willing to try out new things together. They approach an adventure with a smile on their face and the intention of enjoying the time together. Adventures do not have to be risky to count; they just have to be something out of the usual.
7. Continue to demonstrate affection. They enjoy touching, kissing, cuddling and more. Medical or other problems may get in the way, but they find ways to continue their physical closeness.
8. Accept that they are aging. They know that they will be there for each other long term. They accept that their relationship is much more than skin deep. They support each other as they deal with the challenges of aging.

It is a pleasure to observe happy couples who after many years together, still enjoy each other’s company. Now is the best time to start cultivating the habits that contribute to long-lasting happiness.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Love And Be In Love

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.” Jonathan Carroll

In relationships the pattern is usually, respect, trust, intimacy and then deep mature love. I find in counseling that we can loose one or even the first three and love will stand alone for awhile. This is to give us a chance to mend what needs mending.

Scott Peck has said that every couple falls in love and every couple falls out of love. Not meant to scare anyone, just the opposite. When we fall in love we are usually talking about the emotional feelings attached to a relationship, feelings of excitement, fun, liking each other, the lustier things, mature love means the commitment, the deep connection, the feeling of belonging to something greater than ourselves. So we love each other but are not necessarily in love every moment of our relationship.

Respect is crucial because the feeling of being respected gives us an opportunity to feel important and of significance to out partner. Once we feel that, learning to trust comes somewhat naturally to the relationship. We have been open and vulnerable with our partners and received no harm. We are safe in the relationship. Intimacy requires trust because being intimate, not sexually necessarily, means that we give ourselves, that part of us that is really us, to our partner and can receive it from our partners. We are vulnerable.

Once having experienced vulnerability and safety with our partners we develop that deep, soul satisfying connection that is mature love. Which helps us realize that our partners wants, needs and desires are as, if not more, important than our own. We rejoice in our partner’s successes and joys, we cry for their grief and losses, we celebrate, we commiserate, we laugh and we cry with them, just because we love them.

When we lose respect we will lose trust or vice versa. Once there is no trust we are not going to share those intimate things with our partner either. Respect is personal, we feel or don’t feel respected by others and that is usually about our selves. There can be obvious disrespect but for the most part we determine whether or not we were respected, not the other. In other words, when we say that is not respecting me our partner may indicate no disrespect was intended. We are responsible for our own feelings.

We choose to trust or not, our partner can not make that decision for us. The issue with trust is that once broken it becomes a decision, “yes, I will trust you” or “no I won’t.” One issue here is that if we are waiting for the other to prove themselves trustworthy, what is the measurement, what yardstick do we use? The only thing we can do is wait to see if they are trustworthy and I can guarantee that if you are looking for things within the relationship to say I shouldn’t trust you, I will find them because my brain will twist the situations the way I think and believe. So, really what you are doing is looking for reasons not to trust. You will have to say, eventually, “Ok, I trust you, now prove me wrong.”

Intimacy is all about togetherness. Doing things together, talking, laughing, working, crying, sharing moments, time and life with each other. It means forgiving because we will be hurt and we will hurt our partner, not carrying grudges and holding onto things. It means that there are no secrets in the relationship, but they don’t have to know everything. If I’m going out with a friend, does my spouse need to know why, where and what, no, but if she asks I will tell her. Not checking in but being courteous and polite needs to be a regular part of the routine of your life.

Love than has a solid foundation to grow on, and to flourish. You do loving things when you don’t feel particularly loving or caring, or you might not even be all that friendly at the moment. Doing loving things at those moments and times will bring the loving feelings. Love is definitely an attitude, one that says “ I really don’t care if you are mad at me or I at you, or whether or not we like each other; I love you, no matter what, I love you.”

So deal with the things that make you or your partner feel disrespected. Do the things that build trust between you and make the decision to trust one another. Be open, vulnerable and giving, allow your partner to cherish and serve you, forgive and be forgiven-be intimate. Love is the result, life affirming and life changing love. Love that transcends the day-to-day idiosyncrasies of life and attains the peaceful, joyous, life affirming feeling that enriches us both.

“Love — a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.” Author Unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.T.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine