Texting With Love

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Texting With Love

We are far into the digital age, where we have the technology to be connected almost constantly. Yet many people are feeling more disconnected that ever.

We all need to feel loved, we long to feel connected to others, especially loved by and connected to our partner. It is important to reach out and touch your partner frequently, not only physically in non-sexual ways, but also digitally. It feels good to know that your partner is thinking about you and takes a few moments to let you know. It can also feel especially bad to feel ignored or perhaps even worse to face a bombardment of hostile words.

Before you send that next text, ask yourself, if your message is a gentle touch or is instead a punch in the gut or slap to the face. Words texted in anger can be even more devastating than words spoken in anger, since the message is saved on your partner’s phone and can be reread over and over. I frequently have clients wanting to share what their partner has texted to them. Each time they reread the message the hurt is inflicted anew.

I would like to suggest some Basic Texting Etiquette:  
  • Be respectful, use respectful language and avoid shouting at your partner via text.
  • Have reasonable expectations, your partner may not be able to answer immediately, that does not necessarily mean that they do not care.
  • Be courteous, if you will be unavailable to answer messages for a period of time, or if your job is not conducive to texting, let your partner know.
  • Be courteous, if you read your partner text, but don’t have time to respond, agree upon a response that will let your partner know that you will answer when you can, like sending “k talk soon.”
  • Be reliable; follow through with what you say you will do
  • Set healthy boundaries; if you are starting to get angry, let your partner know. Something like, “Feeling angry. Need some time. We will talk tonight.”
  • Respect your partner’s boundaries, if your partner asks for a texting time out, respect that request, rather than pushing for a response.
  • Be proactive, rather than get into a texting war, pick up the phone and talk to each other or wait until you can talk in person.
  • Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Understand that it is easy to misunderstand text messages.
  • Be patient, expecting an instant response will lead to disappointment and frustration.
  • Be courteous, do not ignore your partner’s texts to punish them or avoid them.
  • Be respectful, do not stalk your partner via text messages.
  • Be clear; sit down, face to face and be honest with each other about your expectations around texting. Decide on reasonable response times, how to ask for time outs, and what feels supportive rather than destructive.  
Miscommunications happen frequently when couples are talking. They happen exponentially more often when couples are texting. But talking about and making some conscious choices around texting etiquette for you, should help avoid some of the common pitfalls and make texting a connecting rather than disconnecting experience for you.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Where Are You Spending Your Time?

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The following may be a story that you have heard before, but it is well worth reviewing again. Our world is hectic and there are many things vying for our attention. Where are you spending your time? What is happening to your relationships as a consequence of that choice?

It may be time to reconsider your priorities. All too often I hear someone maintain that their partner means everything to them, yet by their actions and their investment of time, they do not demonstrate that claim.

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box? " Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.

"Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.

Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"


Time may be the most precious gifts that we can give our loved ones. Making our relationships a priority when we are planning our calendars will mean making those thoughts of caring into the reality of showing up in positive ways.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

"Roland, my boyfriend cheated on me and now he says he's sorry. Should I trust him?"

13:08:00 Add Comment
"Roland, my boyfriend cheated on me and now he says he's sorry.
Should I trust him?"


Not good. I wouldn't trust him. Find another boyfriend. Or better yet - work and study, become solidly established, perhaps with your own business, so you don't need a boyfriend.

You deserve better. 

The word boyfriend always makes me wince. I believe in courtship and marriage, not causal dating and living together. I wrote about the difference in a chapter in my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. 





Regaining That Loving Feeling

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“Please don’t shut out love-it’s the best thing about life.” James Patterson

One of the most common themes I hear when counseling couples is “I love him or her but I don’t know that I am in love with him or her.” Some say this with fear, some with an “I told you so” attitude, some wanting us to reassure them and some thinking it is over. The real truth is that this just means you are in one of the cycles of your relationship. Scott Peck has said that every couple falls in love, every couple falls out of love.

Love is at the core of our relationships. It is one of the major components of intimacy. It can make us sappy happy and also can drop us into slobbering sadness and pain. Love can turn acquaintances into life long friends, friends into lovers, lovers into soul mates. It is a hard concept to describe, almost impossible to define, difficult to explain, yet undeniable when we feel it. Love can be very intense or so soft and comforting and soothing.

Who we love or why we love is often inexplicable yet we know the other person is the one. The feeling of being in love, of being loved is at times almost euphoric. So much so, in fact that that feeling is what we describe as love. We expect to always feel that in the relationship, that is what makes us believe and feel that this relationship is the one; at least at the beginning.


The truth of the matter is the first years of a relationship are “lust” driven, that is emotion driven. We experience such emotional highs and lows and that makes us feel so alive. The only problem with that is to live at such emotional levels can be very trying and tiring. We would burn out quickly. It is very hard to maintain such high levels of emotional energy for any sustained length of time.

As we move into a more mature love we learn that loving feelings follow loving actions. We do the things that make our partner feel loved, wanted, needed and appreciated. As we continue doing these things the feeling of being in love, of being loved continue to keep us connected. We all have times in our lives where life, and the stress of that life, seems to overpower the love we share. In other words we fall out of love; a completely normal part of relationship cycles.

Thus, when a client complains of loving and not being in love we try to help them understand that the feeling of not being in love is the disconnection between the two of them. So where and why does the disconnection occur? The usual suspect is the lack of the little things not being done. In my experience most relationships fail because couples are not doing the little things in the relationship.

What are the little things? Dating, as was stated in last month article, sharing experiences, laughing together, working together, remembering important dates and occasions if that is important to the other, being considerate, caring for and being care for and whatever the unique couple you are defines as little, important things; these are the little things.

The usual pattern of disconnection is one like this; when you first get together, starting dating, courting and then moving in together or get married everything is great. You will steal time from others to be able to spend time together, you are in that emotion driven phase and it is so very intense, your relationship is the first priority. Then life becomes real, job problems, careers, school, kids, mortgages, kids and so on, what happens to that relationship, it usually gets pushed down the list until you are only giving it left over time. Most of us do not have left over time in our lives. Disconnection has occurred.

So how to repair it? The answer is simple. You need to start doing some of the things you did at the start of your relationship. Date, talk, spend time together, sacrifice for each other and care for each other. Life is too short to waste it looking for a connection when you already have one, just spend a portion of the time you would looking and building on rebuilding the one you have.


“Some live well, some love well, but few love well. To love well…that’s something else, It is a choosing-something done again and again and again.” Charles Martin

What's Wrong with My Marriage? New Relationship Book has Answers

16:22:00 Add Comment
This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues.
Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.


 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com
Link

Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95


Now available in Kindle!

 Check out the free mobile app for  special savings for mobile app users 



Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback 

Click here to preview in Kindle!

 

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Got a budget? For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.  
 


Forbidden Food - the Legacy of Paradise Lost and the Promise of Redemption

Got food issues? What if the Garden of Eden is not a myth but a reality? What if the eating of forbidden food brought a curse on the human race? What if food is somehow subtly involved in our deterioration? What if food introduced a trance state in which we make mistakes and then wonder what happened? Originally entitled Recovering Health and Wholeness, now totally updated with 100 new pages, this intriguing book looks at forbidden food, the curse from the Garden of Eden, and the reality of redemption. In fact, resolving the food problem just might bring resolution to other life issues as well. 

Click here to preview or download Forbidden Food


Want it in eBook and save money too? .  For a donation of any amount, receive one of Roland's relationships eBooks free as a token of our appreciation.  
 












Food Issues? Read Roland's new book about the secret power of Food

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 The Dark Side of Eating and the Path to Recovery

Food disorders, addiction, emotional problems, and even sickness may have a common root. This book reveals why the whole human race has food issues, and why how we eat holds the key to our spiritual and emotional recovery. Most people have issues with food. The reason is deeper than just what or how much we eat.

Food has a mysterious hold on the human race and it alters our consciousness. That is why when we start eating, we end up eating too much. Food is also connected with our ego life support. We look to food to comfort us and to give us security.

But the very food that comforts us also makes us resentful when we discover that it has enslaved us. So we have a love/hate relationship with food, and food substances, even as we have a love hate relationship with our mother and others who support our ego. The answer, of course, is love. We crave a love that food will not satisfy.

There, have I whetted your appetite? Read more.

Now available in Kindle edition!

 Preview the paperback edition now at Amazon.com

You can also send me a donation of any amount, and I will send you a pdf. by email.   


What if the Garden of Eden is not a myth but a reality?

What if the eating of forbidden food brought a curse on the human race? What if food is somehow subtly involved in our deterioration? What if food introduced a trance state in which we make mistakes and then wonder what happened?

Originally entitled Recovering Health and Wholeness, now totally updated with 100 new pages, this intriguing book looks at forbidden food, the curse from the Garden of Eden, and the reality of redemption. In fact, resolving the food problem just might bring resolution to other life issues as well.



  Roland Trujillo is the author of 16 books and has been helping people cope with stress and emotional issues for 24 years. His radio show has aired for almost a quarter of a century. Join Roland in this exciting and mysterious journey into Forbidden Food