Men and women live in different worlds. Men and women have different roles.

Men and women are different.

So, it is clear that there will be differences of opinion, different point of views, and so on.

Now, let's look at the issue. A husband and father is supposed to point things out. He is the head of household--the Moses, the David, the George Washington of the family. People look to him for leadership and direction.

If he is a good man--noble, wise, virtuous, honorable and so on--it is good to listen to his constructive comments and directions. It is good to cooperate with a good man.

So first you have to ask yourself if  what he says is right or not. If he is right about what he says--and you give him a hard time when he really doesn't deserve it, then we will look at that.

It is possible that you are over-reacting to his pointing things out, arguing with him over everything, and not cooperating with what he asks for--in which case your rebellion or resistance, or your arguing back and not acknowledging his advice--forces him to repeat things, to say the same thing over and over.

If you find yourself doing irritating things--like the opposite of what he says--then it could be that you are unconsciously undermining his authority.  You might have picked this up from your mom.

Of course, it can also be that he is unreasonable or he is a tyrant. If he is belittling, mean, cruel, or puts you down, or if he as hypercritical -- then that is not good.  He shoud not be that way. It is hard to point it out to him because he will react wrongly.  If he is putting you down or is unreasonable, then he is out of order.

A man is supposed to be reasonable. A man is supposed to be wise, patient, calm, and have long suffering. This does not mean that he is weak or a people pleaser, it means that he should be firm but fair, that he stands for what is right, but has a twinkle in his eye.

Some men just clam up and say nothing. this can be very frustrating to a woman. Some women's complaint is that their husband won't talk!

Yours is the opposite, he talks but he is critical.

At this point I must mention that. in most marriages, there is a vying for power between two egos. We start off marriage as selfish egos. If we mature, we learn to be unselfish. He learns to agree with his wife when she is right. And she learns to cooperate with her husband when he is right.

If both remain selfish, then the enmity, undercurrents of anger, sneakiness, nit picking,  bickering and so on just continue until there is bitterness, violence, divorce, or an eerie peace with hostility and unfinished business underneath.

This latter is what a lot of kids have seen and it makes them reject marriage.

When you have a marriage of the typical two selfish people--and one person wakes up--then you have one awake person.

Let's stay, for example, that you begin to wake up and see how  you have sought to be in charge, have undermined your husband, and may have even turned the kids against him.

You now see that he really is not such a bad guy. You gave him a really hard time for no good reason. Perhaps you had a father who was not there for you, or you were taken advantage of by some boyfriend, and so you resented men, beginning with your father who was not there for you, and you transferred that resentment to your husband.

Chances are you became very judgmental of men, including your husband. Perhaps you belittled everything he did, and now he does the same to you.

You may also have tried to run everyone's lives--you tried to change your husband, for example. And all you did was turn him into a wimp, a big kid, or a violent brute.

Now years later you see the damage that you did and if it is not too late (a divorce has already happened), you are now ready to lighten up and let him take the lead when he is right, and relax and stop trying to run (and ruin) everyone's lives.

If he does not wake up, then it will be difficult for you. You are ready to forgive and forget, to be reasonable and so on. He is not. Perhaps he has rebelled to the bottle or another woman. Maybe your meddling and catering to his weaknesses has turned him into a selfish  oaf.  Perhaps he has thrown in the towel and become a wimp. He lets you run everything, while he sits back and secretly judges your mistakes. You may even have exchanged roles or identities! He is the resentful nit picking "wife" and you are "the husband" seeking to deal with his judgmental nature.

Like I said, if you wake up, then all you can do is admit what you did (like admit to your kids that you tried to run their lives and made things worse). You can live graciously from now on, and now no longer resentful, the bitterness and other symptoms even physical stress symptoms will let you go. Perhaps your gracous manner and your new found awareness will make him aware too. Just remember that you cannot make him wake up and you cannot make a man into a man.

However, your awareness will awaken him whether he likes it or not. If he welcomes waking up, and he too changes and becomes the noble knight you wanted him to be--then you will become very good friends and can both live happily every after.

On the other hand, if your awareness makes him aware of his own wrong, and he resent it, he may react violently to it. He may seek a divorce and find another woman with whom he can feel comfortable in his selfishness. If so, good riddance to bad rubbish, as the expression goes. You are better off alone than with a selfish man with whom there is no future.

Of course it would be nice if he woke up first and started to be the man he should be. He could then gently rescue you from your hell and lead you to his heaven.  After trying him and finding him not wanting, you could feel very secure with this good man.

Now back to where we started. The number one thing to watch out for is resentment.

If you are resentful, you cannot see clearly.  He might be a good guy and he might not.
As long as you are resentful, you can't know for sure. He might be a good guy, but the hard time you give him disables him from finding himself. He might be a good guy, but you are projecting your dad or former boyfriend onto him.

You just can't know for sure, nor can you know his heart--as long as you are resentful. So the most important thing is to watch for and let go of resentment.

Whether or not he wakes up I cannot say. But one thing I know for sure: resentment has so many bad consequences--spiritual, emotional and even physical--that letting go of resentment is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

A full understanding of the psychological and spiritual import of this question requires great wisdom to provide and to receive.

I have written some excellent books on the subject of marriage and relationships, and have written and lectured extensively on fatherhood, the duties of a husband, and the profundities of marriage for over 22 years.

There are reasons why a man must have honor, fidelity, and do his duty. But I'm not telling you anything new. The fact that a man must be honorable, patient, kind, and virtuous--you already knew this in your heart, didn't you? If you are not honorable, it is because you are selfish or have a lot of growing up to do.

Of course we all start off our relationship selfish. But we all should also grow up. And growing up means learning to be unselfish. In fact, I have always said that marriage is not a pleasure party. The purpose of marriage is to have children and a family. We can be selfish before we get married, but once married we begin to see our weaknesses and selfishness that we did not know we had before being within the walls of marriage.

Holy matrimony is a framework within which to learn to be unselfish.

Perhaps now you can see why it is best to wait until marriage. Marriage is a sign of fidelity and honor. Should you, as the man, give in to the temptation of the popular culture or the lady in question, to not wait until marriage, in her eyes it shows that you are easy to tempt and that you do not have impeccable honor.

If she is like many other women, she may have been taken advantage of by other men and has not been loved properly. She already judges men, and now she will judge you too as being just like all the rest.

Later on in the relationship, you will find that she does not respect you, may have contempt for you, does not trust you, and you will have hell to pay. I am not saying that things can't be worked out, but it may take 20 or 30 years for her to learn to respect you, and this only if you truly change for the better. Sadly many men remain selfish and unaware, and do not know why their weakness harms their family.

You see, a man's authority is goodness, patience, understanding, the courage of conviction, and the respect of others for his virtue. If you are weak or violent, if you worship women more than God, or if you put your wife on a pedestal, your family will have contempt for you and will end up in rebellion.

When you are weak or wrong, and when you do not uphold virtue and principle, you have no authority. No wonder you are held in contempt and your family is in rebellion.

Anger and violence are wrong and also show moral weakness. Some men use violence to try to get back their authority, but violence is wrong and shows moral weakness. They will hate you.

In regard to your question, here I will just give part of the short answer.

If you just cheated on your wife, there is a reason for telling her: Basic decency and disease prevention.

There are many sexually transmitted diseases and they are rampant. Any contact outside of the bounds of marital fidelity carries the risk of contracting and spreading one or more of the many STD's.

You owe it to her to advise her so that she can monitor her health and partner with her medical provider to make sure that she is free from disease (or receive appropriate treatment, if through you, she has acquired a disease).

Just be aware of the fact that she may decide to divorce you.


If you had a relationship long ago with someone before you were married, it is none of her concern. Only tell people things on a need to know basis. If you  unnecessarily tell her of some dalliance before you were married, you are likely to discover that she will remember it forever and secretly judge you for it, even throw it in your face. Your emotional weak confession was a big mistake.   

If you cheated on her many years ago, and you are both disease free, then there are other factors involved. I will address this these other factors in another blog or book, or in private consultation. Here I will just give a couple of preliminary thoughts.

What good will it do to tell her? The only thing you are likely to accomplish is to burden her with something that she will judge you for and will never forget.  You risk destroying progress you have made by giving her a new reason to judge and condemn you as being just another user and cheat.  

If you want to confess to someone: confess quietly to God. If you confess to your wife, you are casting her into the role of God. So watch out for this trap and temptation.  

If she asks you a direct question "Did you have a relationship with Blank 8 years ago?" you may not be able to duck it. You will have to decide whether honesty is better for her and you, or whether it is better to fib. In the old Testament there is a story of someone who told a lie for a good reason. 

If I was in Hitler Germany and I was hiding Jews in the basement, and the authorities knocked on my door and asked me if I was hiding Jews in the basement, I would lie and say no. 

If you cheated on her long ago, whether to tell her or not depends, in part, on your reason for telling her. You must be thoroughly versed in the psychology of it and be prepared to do what is right, but also factor in what makes sense and is reasonable, rather than just emotionally saying things that might be misunderstood or forever after used against you.

I am a pastor, so my advice to individual people who consult with me about this topic may surprise some.  Many men, instead of confessing and making things right in their heart before their Creator, get on their knees before their wife, which is akin to begging her (instead of God) for forgiveness.

His display of wrongness and weakness is a tremendous temptation to her to puff up in judgment, and also to feel superior and righteous by comparison.

If she is judgmental of men, based on experience with men beginning with her father who was not there for her and then other weak men she has known, your confession will only confirm what she already suspected--that you are just another weak selfish man who is a user--and she may judge you forever.

If you have changed for the better over the years--you saw your own selfishness and you saw that your wife and children need you to be there for them--and now you have mended your ways, a weak admission of some long ago dalliance will serve no purpose other than tempt her to judge you and never be able to forget what you told her.

She might "forgive you" for guilt relief, but secretly resent you for making her having to deal with it.

I am not saying not to be honest, but I am also warning you that what you say to her can and will be used against you. Women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to a man's mistakes.

So first, look at your motivation, become very well centered, and have a crystal clear understanding of what a man's, husband's and father's role is before you dump your sins in her lap.

Whether it just happened or happened a long time ago, it would undoubtedly be wise to read my paperback book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - Making Relationships Work. You need a thorough grounding about what is at stake and just what the duties of the husband and father are.

If perchance you are interested in becoming a better husband and father, you probably need some good fatherly advice--the kind you would get from a wise father who also loves and respects women and who knows what their true needs are. You are unlikely to find such understanding in the popular culture. My book might help

Preview free in Kindle




"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
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Why are men the way we are?
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My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 

Get a free eBook and help Roland--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

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You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 







 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

A full understanding of the psychological and spiritual import of this question requires great wisdom to provide and to receive.

I have written some excellent books on the subject of marriage and relationships, and have written and lectured extensively on fatherhood, the duties of a husband, and the profundities of marriage for over 22 years.

There are reasons why a man must have honor, fidelity, and do his duty. But I'm not telling you anything new. The fact that a man must be honorable, patient, kind, and virtuous--you already knew this in your heart, didn't you? If you are not honorable, it is because you are selfish or have a lot of growing up to do.

Of course we all start off our relationship selfish. But we all should also grow up. And growing up means learning to be unselfish. In fact, I have always said that marriage is not a pleasure party. The purpose of marriage is to have children and a family. We can be selfish before we get married, but once married we begin to see our weaknesses and selfishness that we did not know we had before being within the walls of marriage.

Holy matrimony is a framework within which to learn to be unselfish.

Perhaps now you can see why it is best to wait until marriage. Marriage is a sign of fidelity and honor. Should you, as the man, give in to the temptation of the popular culture or the lady in question, to not wait until marriage, in her eyes it shows that you are easy to tempt and that you do not have impeccable honor.

If she is like many other women, she may have been taken advantage of by other men and has not been loved properly. She already judges men, and now she will judge you too as being just like all the rest.

Later on in the relationship, you will find that she does not respect you, may have contempt for you, does not trust you, and you will have hell to pay. I am not saying that things can't be worked out, but it may take 20 or 30 years for her to learn to respect you, and this only if you truly change for the better. Sadly many men remain selfish and unaware, and do not know why their weakness harms their family.

You see, a man's authority is goodness, patience, understanding, the courage of conviction, and the respect of others for his virtue. If you are weak or violent, if you worship women more than God, or if you put your wife on a pedestal, your family will have contempt for you and will end up in rebellion.

When you are weak or wrong, and when you do not uphold virtue and principle, you have no authority. No wonder you are held in contempt and your family is in rebellion.

Anger and violence are wrong and also show moral weakness. Some men use violence to try to get back their authority, but violence is wrong and shows moral weakness. They will hate you.

In regard to your question, here I will just give part of the short answer.

If you just cheated on your wife, there is a very powerful reason for telling her: Basic decency and disease prevention.

There are many sexually transmitted diseases and they are rampant. Any contact outside of the bounds of marital fidelity carries the risk of contracting and spreading one or more of the many STD's.

You owe it to her to advise her so that she can monitor her health and partner with her medical provider to make sure that she is free from disease (or receive appropriate treatment, if through you, she has acquired a disease).

Just be aware of the fact that she may decide to divorce you.

If you cheated on her many years ago, and you are both disease free, then there are other factors involved. I will address this these other factors in another blog or book, or in private consultation.

Here I will just give a couple of preliminary thoughts. If you cheated on her long ago, whether to tell her or not depends, in part, on your reason for telling her. You must be thoroughly versed in the psychology of it and be prepared to do what is right, but also factor in what makes sense and is reasonable, rather than just emotionally saying things that might be misunderstood or forever after used against you.

I am a pastor, so my advice to individual people who consult with me about this topic may surprise some. I say "It all depends" because some men, instead of confessing and making things right in their heart before their Creator, get on their knees before their wife, which is akin to begging her (instead of God) for forgiveness.

His display of wrongness and weakness is a tremendous temptation to her to puff up in judgment, and also to feel superior and righteous by comparison.

If she is judgmental of men, based on experience with men beginning with her father who was not there for her and then other weak men she has known, your confession will only confirm what she already suspected--that you are just another weak selfish man who is a user--and she may judge you forever.

If you have changed for the better over the years--you saw your selfishness and you saw that your wife and children need you to be there for them--and now you have mended your ways, a weak admission of some long ago dalliance will serve no purpose other than tempt her to judge you and never be able to forget what you told her. She might "forgive you" for guilt relief, but secretly resent you for making her having to deal with it.

I am not saying not to be honest, but I am also warning you that what you say to her can and will be used against you. Women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to a man's mistakes.

So first, look at your motivation, become very well centered, and have a crystal clear understanding of what a man's, husband's and father's role is before you dump your sins in her lap.

Whether it just happened or happened a long time ago, it would undoubtedly be wise to read my paperback book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - Making Relationships Work. You need a thorough grounding about what is at stake and just what the duties of the husband and father are.

If perchance you are interested in becoming a better husband and father, you probably need some good fatherly advice--the kind you would get from a wise father who also loves and respects women and who knows what their true needs are. You are unlikely to find such understanding in the popular culture. My book might help

Preview free in Kindle

A special offer from Dr. Roland Trujillo to introduce the 5 minute meditation stress fix.

When you make a suggested donation of $10, you will receive the 5 minute stress fix meditation audio to listen to and try

and you will also receive a free bonus meditation audio and 3 eBooks as a token of our appreciation for a donation of $10 to help Roland.


Get the 5 Minute Meditation Stress Fix

and as a special bonus, you will also receive the link to the following valuable resources:

The 4 part meditation for stress and spiritual recovery, which has been helping people for over 20 years. You will receive the link to listen to and download the 4 part meditation audio to start using right away.


You will also receive the link to download or read on line the following valuable eBooks written by Dr. Roland Trujillo

The Meditation Booklet
Conquering Stress and its Symptoms
Becoming a Friend of God: Finding Peace of Mind and Confidence in an Age of Anxiety

All of these valuable resources for a suggested donation of $10

This is a special limited offer is to introduce the new powerful 5 minute meditation stress fix and also make the classic meditation and books available to everyone.

Do you get upset easily?

Do you have a problem managing certain emotions?

Do you get lost in worry? Are you confused about life and where you are going?

Are you having trouble emotionally coping with life or relationship issues?

If so, are you interested in trying a meditation that has helped some people recover balance and natural self control which is not dependent on external support?

Then may I recommend you try the meditations and also enjoy reading some of my books. When we have relationship issues, we often try to solve or change things out there, without first attending to our own well being and health. My meditations are designed to help a person calm down, get center, and most importantly, get out of worry and negative thought. When your emotional equilibrium is better, then it it easier to face external issues.

After 22 years of helping people, research and writing, I can also almost guarantee that resentment is a part of your mixture of feelings. My meditations, books and lectures all focus on resentment, its harm, and how to let go of it.

Take advantage of this special offer.

Just click on this link for more information and to get started using safe and secure Paypal.

You will be able to download the 4 part meditation right away, the booklet and the 3 valuable eBooks.

I will send you the link to the 5 minute meditation stress fix by email as soon as I learn of your donation. Thank you for helping me and congratulations on taking a step to help yourself.

Now there is a real person --not just a faceless web page--who makes himself available to people on the internet

I have reduced my fee to the lowest ever for the Labor Day Weekend! Fast, friendly, professional feedback on relationship issues. Telephone, texting or email.

First three minutes of live chat texting are free!

7 days a week. Pay per minute. Stop whenever you want. You are in control. Compare and save.

Visit my Liveperson virtual office for information.

Who is Roland?


Roland who has an earned MS and Doctorate and over 22 years experience helping people from all walks of life on his radio program, says that he has observed that if a person looks for some feedback on some life or relationship issue on the internet, and is given any personal attention at all, it is from some faceless person.

A. MS in Human Relations, Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology, 20 year graduate school lecturer and author of 14 books. Over a million people have listened to Roland on the radio. His radio advice program has aired for 22 years.

"There's a whole big world out there, says Roland, who has a Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology and who has 22 years experience helping people. For too long, people on the internet have been ignored or not taken seriously.


"There is a world of hurt out there," says Roland. "People have needs, and many people just don't want to travel across town or get involved in some organization. Plus they want convenience."

"But people on the internet are real people who have real questions about life, spiritual and emotional issues, and relationships. They just want some advice or some feedback from a real person who is a professional, that's all.


That's why I'm here. I care about human beings and I will give you a truthful answer grounded in common sense and understanding of human nature. I hope this new service is a success, says Roland. I'll do my best. It just depends on whether people respond or not. "

"By the way," says Roland, "check out my blogs and free stuff in the right column. You will find dozens of articles, free books to read and more. All free."


I also understand that many people are already in therapy or getting help. I don't mind providing a little spiritual care giving to complement the care they are already getting.
Here are just a few of the issues I've been helping people with for 22 years:
Marriage issues, such as marital unhappiness, and communication issues,

Coping with infidelity

Relationship issues, including dating and courtship

Overcoming emotional issues, such as unhappiness, upset, anger, or anxiety

Letting go of doubts and fears

Parenting issues, blended families, single parenting

Help coping with stress

Overcoming feelings of inferiority or insecurity.

I look forward to chatting with you. Best time to reach me is 4 to 9 PM, California time 7 days a week.

1. No one is listening and no one feels heard or understood. You both end up feel more and more frustrated. Often arguments end, not because anything has been resolved, but because one or both of you have become so exhausted that you give up or walk away.
2. Both sides quickly become defensive and react to what the other is saying. Considering possible solutions often take a back seat to throwing insults at each other.
3. You both tend not to be completely honest with yourselves or your partner. As your anger rises, you get stuck in blaming your partner and find it difficult to see your own contribution to the problem.
4. Arguments often become an excuse for dumping a truck load of garbage on your partner. Past hurts and resentments are used to pummel each other, to either deflect from dealing with the present issue or to release emotions that have been stuffed away.
5. You are so busy defending yourself that you do not have the opportunity to consider that some of what your partner is saying may be valid and that there may be more than one way to arrive at a solution.
6. Both of you are so busy hanging on to your positions and having to be right, that you miss the opportunity to become a team working together to solve a problem.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Now you can download many of Dr. Roland Trujillo's books to your computer or mobile device to start reading and benefiting from right now.

For example, you can immediately download The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work for only $5.00.

At his request, all eBooks on Scribd are now $5.00 or less. Some much less.

If your budget is really tight, but you want an informative in depth books about relationships, you can download Roland's classic Marriage Matters: Lessons from the Past, Hope for the Future for only $1.00.

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