Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships, which is everyone's favorite topic. First some of my ideas on the subject and then resources.

It is obvious that many people have lost their way. This is especially obvious when it comes to marriages. Look into many families and you will find misunderstanding, resentment, suppressed anger, and hurt feelings. Husbands and wives argue  not in a spirited debate that produces solutions, but in selfishly immature ways, or even hurtfully and maliciously.  

Parents and kids yell at each other. Communication is poor or nonexistent. Even worse, families are breaking up and divorces are rampant.

It is clear that people need the right kind of guidance. But if I may be so bold as to say so--it appears that the information and advice they are getting now is somehow lacking. Today there is so much relationship information on the internet, in books, from experts, and in courses. Yet family break ups and divorce are on the rise. Today there is more information and yet more problems. I am not knocking the various sources of information; I am just saying that something must be missing.

Where will we turn to find the kind of knowledge that will help us solve our problems once and for all, instead of just endlessly "working on our relationship?" Where will we find the kind of knowledge that will heal our relationships, restore our marriage, return the hearts of the children to the parents, and build a strong family?

Perhaps you have heard that long ago--when a young couple had marriage issues--a grandmother, a Dutch uncle, or an old and trusted friend would be called in. Often that person had common sense, patience and understanding. They had a mysterious know-how. They had kindness, perhaps a twinkle in their eye. They bore good will: they really and truly wanted the best to happen. They did not experiment with theories or approaches. Their guidance was solidly grounded in common sense, patience, and understanding.

That is what we need today. We need understanding. The question is where did the older and wiser person get their understanding? From a book? No, it came from within. Understanding was the missing ingredient, which tempered everything and showed them how to apply any experience they had gained.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could find understanding to deal with your marriage and family issues? If you, yourself, had understanding then you could solve your own problems. And if when you got information from external sources, your understanding and common sense would permit you to see which advice is good and which is not.

If you had understanding, then you could listen to what others have to say and sift the wheat from the chaff. You would know what to do with your knowledge, and how to apply it with love and proper timing. Sound too good to be true? Keep reading and I will show you the source of understanding, available to you now.

I say that we can find this insight and deep understanding within when we learn to relate to our God-given intuition. In the light of intuition, you would begin to see the reason why we squabble. Let me give you a few clues.

For example, you would begin to understand the mystery of the relationship between the sexes. It is an ancient and reoccurring cycle of ambition, rebellion, and failing. Just as in the story of the Garden of Eden, the woman is still used today to entice and support her modern day Adam to be ambitious. When Adam looks to the woman and guile for support, instead of to principle, paradise is lost and the family suffers. She feels used and he feels trapped and betrayed.

Without understanding of the real dynamics in the man-woman relationship, people continue to hate and blame each other. Forgiveness is truly the answer. But in order to forgive, we must have insight into the deep dynamics behind all the squabbling we see in families. We simply need to see, really see, where we are failing and why. When you see that we humans are all in the same boat, you could be more forgiving toward your mate instead taking everything personally.

In order to do this, what we need is a very special kind of knowledge called understanding. You cannot get understanding from a book, even a religious book. Understanding comes from intuition-what we know in our heart-when we look within and trust what we know in our heart as our authority, instead of looking to worldly experts.

Intuition is first hand and alive. External knowledge applied without understanding is second hand and lifeless. External knowledge is useful when it awakens understanding. Of course you can listen to what others have to say; just remember to run it by your gut instincts to see if it sits right with your intuition.

When it comes to marriage and family relationships, we need to understand why we fight. We need to understand our own inherent pride and see what is wrong with it. With understanding, we can observe our own failings with compassion. We need to understand what other's true needs are. We need to understand that most of the time your loved ones are not being cruel on purpose. They are out of control.

The family is the bedrock of civilization. The relationship between the man and the woman, within the institution of holy matrimony holds the key to happiness, prosperity, and domestic tranquility.

The family is the matrix in which the next generation comes forth, and it is the family which supports, nurtures and maintains the best of what it means to be a human.

Yet everywhere you look in the world--you see families boiling over with intrigue, betrayal, cruelty, suffering, and misery. Each and every couple starts off expecting to be happy. But something goes wrong. We need to understand why.

The kind of knowledge I have in mind is found within. It is intuition. Some call it their highest instincts, some call it a gut level knowing. Some describe it as what they know in their heart. Even common sense is a basic form of this intuitive understanding. It is just what we need.

Look at it this way. Let's say a delicate situation arose between you and your mate, or between you and your child. Suppose that out of disinterested love of what is right, you really and truly yearned with all your heart to know what to do. Let us suppose that you passed up on the quick angry response. You did not reach for a slogan, verse, or memorized one-size-fits-all fact to misapply. You heard but did not mindlessly follow the advice of other misguided souls or strangers. Instead, you waited and looked into your heart for wordless intuition.

Then whatever you did or did not say, or did or did not do, would be based in intuition, love, and common sense. It would spring from a deep and limitless source. It would be rooted in rightness, love and principle. Its motivation would be selfless love, not expediency.

Your mate and your child would see the face of love: they would sense your quiet searching for what is right instead of seeking to win or impatiently looking for a quick fix. The mere fact that they become aware of the presence of love already begins to restore right relationships.

Our families suffer for lack of this kind of knowledge. The one who is most to blame is the husband. It is his job to be the leader, the Moses, the David of the family. It is his job to be a man of impeccable honor, courage, patience, understanding, kindness, forbearance, and graciousness and wisdom. Father is supposed to have understanding, and everything he does should be tinged with love and understanding.

There is no way that he can be the man he needs to be unless he finds an invisible bond with the Creator Within. He must be so grounded in principle and faith, that there is no wavering, no failing, and no room for a lack of commitment to what is right.

He must be stronger than the world. But if he is woman centered, if women are the ground of his being and if his wife is his boss (or she lets him be the boss), then he will not be grounded in good. Instead he will be a beast man, violent or wimpy, grounded in the woman, and beyond her in the serpent of old who tempted man through Eve.

My heart goes out to the decent women everywhere. They are tempted to take charge because of the weakness of the man. They are tempted by his weakness to support and console his prideful ego. Men require it of women. And when she gains power because of his nothingness and growing weakness, she is then called upon to nag him to get him to function.

When he greedily goes for her love offerings, first with excitement then with resentment, he becomes enslaved. And when he is enslaved by the temptation that he wanted from her, he is full of rage. The weak angry man goes off to another woman or to the bottle. The man who takes on her nature marries his work, money or becomes a seducer.

All the while, the children are suffering. Men need to have a thorough knowledge of their own weakness. They need to see just why they must not fail. They need to see why they must be principled and honorable.

Women need to see that the Adam and Eve story is recreated over and over again. They need to see that, yes, most men are weak and failures. But she must learn not to resent them for it. She must see her own role in tempting him and rising to the occasion of his need to gain power over him. She must see why she must not support him in his wrong, on the one hand, but must also not give him such a hard time that he doesn't have the space to find himself.

When you resent your husband, that resentment blocks understanding. In other words, when you become resentful or angry, you are disconnected from love. And love is what intuition has in it. Now you know what understanding is the missing factor. It has love in it. It is missing when couples resent each other; and it is missing when we try to apply external knowledge egotistically.

Perhaps a good starting point would be to just realize that your husband is just a man, and judging and nagging him will only stand in the way of his finding himself.

Men, you must see that you must not look to your wife to support your ego. Look within. You must look to no one except your Creator for the strength, wisdom and understanding that you do not now have but will need if you are to be the kind of husband and father that your family needs.

Husbands and wives: regardless of what your situation is, begin right now to be more forgiving. Drop your grudges. If others are wrong, see their wrong, but don't hate them for it. Let go of judgment. Make it unimportant. You yourself become wrong through resentments and holding grudges. When you let go of judgment and blame, you will then be free to see what the real truth is. Do you see how intuition leads to understanding, and understanding to love?

So, the first resource I will recommend is

Healing Relationships - articles on topics such as Why do we argue all the time, how do I forgive, my wife cheated on me, my wife asked me to leave, pre marriage counseling, and unhappiness in relationships.   Free preview of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work, which is an eye opening in depth look at relationships and how to improve them. 

I also like
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - the books in the series by John Gray and also video online (should be at your public library too)
The 5 Love languages - the book by Gary Chapman 

 The Bottom Line

I think you should read my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--whether you are married, in a relationship, or thinking of getting married, it's sure to have some insights for you. You should also listen to me on the radio (just look for the links around my website) and try one of my meditations.

If I may be so bold, I think that when you hear me, you will hear that I have some understanding and a twinkle in my eye! The meditation helps you calm down and get re-centered. Then you can gain self help insights from clues and strategies you find in my book or audio. Of course, you might want or need other help too.When you are centered and not upset, you will be a better parent, partner, even a better patient.  Once you learn to become centered and insightful, it will facilitate making better use of other resources. In other words, it is easier to see clearly and make wise decisions when you are not upset or resentful.