The Power Of Acceptance

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship.  The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being.  Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If We Are In Love, Why Does It Hurt So Much?

When we love someone we become vulnerable to hurt, it is true. But choosing not to love in order to protect our self from hurt offers a lonely existence.

Love hurts when we rely on our partner to make us happy or to prove to us that we are loveable. These positions inevitably lead to disappointment and hurt. Even if our partner was willing to constantly work to make us happy or to consistently try to convince us that we are loveable, unless we choose to be happy and we whole-heartedly believe that we are loveable, they will fail.

Love also hurts when it is not nourished. When we take each other for granted or fail to make our partner and our relationship a top priority in each other’s lives, our relationship will drain rather than feed us. Love hurts when trust is broken and our world comes crashing down on our heads. Betrayal and infidelity leave some of the deepest wounds.

A Spanish proverb says, “Where there is love there is pain.” It is because we care deeply for someone that we become vulnerable to being hurt. But the flip side is also true, love gives us the potential for shared joy. When you love someone, it is not always going to be smooth sailing. But if you make your love a priority and pull together instead of apart, then it is more likely you will make it safely to shore.

The Kenny Roger’s song The Gambler, says, “You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” The same concept can be applies to relationships. Some relationships even though they may be painful at times are worth saving. For some it may be time to fold, or end the relationship. If there is abuse involved, you may need to run rather than walk away.

Life is Short, Enjoy the Ride

Most of us have no idea how long we will be here on this planet. Consider, if you knew that today was your last day, would that change how you treat the people close to you? Would you be a little more careful to let them know that they are loved?

Be generous in your relationships. You never know how much time you have. There is no time for pettiness or grudges. Letting go of resentments frees you to enjoy life. Make yourself a promise that no matter what happens you will search for and find the silver lining or the blessing in disguise.

在天空蔚蓝雨后 means “the sky will be blue after raining.” Learning to accept and treasure the rain for the growth it brings to your life will make it easier to enjoy your ride through life. Try out the motto, “No complaints allowed.” Challenge yourself to have a complaint free day. Pay attention to how you feel and how many times you catch yourself wanting to complain.

Then take it one step further and turn complaints around and look for something positive. Instead of focusing on what is not good enough or what is lacking, focus on what it is that you can be grateful for. Increasing your feelings of gratitude is one of the fastest ways to increase your enjoyment of life.

True fulfillment comes not in the accumulation of more and more stuff, but in the connecting, loving and giving that builds solid relationships. Be generous, be kind, seek peace of mind.

Life Or Not; It’s Your Choice

“In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert Schweitzer

Our life as a couple is full of excitement, drama, pain, frustration, boredom, trauma, fun and every kind of human emotion there is. I know this because as a counselor I have seen clients go through and experience them all. These emotions are important because they let us know we are alive. Even pain and heartache are indicators of life.

The worse kind of human experience is “not existing.” Not feeling anything for our self or for our partner is being a kind of emotional zombie. We can kill any emotions in ourselves and in our partners by ignoring them, belittling them, treating them with distain, not acknowledging their existence, treating them causally and giving them the silent treatment. This is the worse kind of insult one human being can give another.

Some times these feelings and emotions can be lost because we get complacent, do not put in the time and effort necessary to keep our love alive. Neglect is a common form of emotional homicide. But it is not all terrible. We, as emotional beings, are very resilient. Given a chance we bounce right back and begin to feel our emotions, to be alive again.

In order for us to be happy and alive we need to give of ourselves. Share ourselves with our partners. They need to be with us in our happy times and in our sad times. They want to share life’s precious journey with us. Shared unhappiness, grieving and pain the lifeblood of a relationship. When we trust our partner, not only with the good things in our life, but with the heartaches, heartbreaks, sadness, frustration, anger, pain, shame and guilt we give them the ultimate gift, our life and our love.

When couples pull together and support each other through life’s landmines and roadblocks they come out the other side happier, stronger with a more mature and committed love for each other. We should be grateful when our loved ones want to share all of our life and to share theirs with us. As human beings we crave the company and companionship of others. In fact if we don’t get it, it can actually cause severe emotional harm and stress.

As the quote from Schweitzer above states we can burst into flame when we feel alive, truly alive because someone wants us to be there with them. Life is, as Woody Allan says, better than the alternative. Life is worth it no matter what the pain and discomfort it also brings. So live your life to its largest possible potential, breathe it in with every breath you take, celebrate the good and happy times and live the unhappiness and pain, experience it, grow with and through it. Live.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Old Enough To Know Better

In answer to the question, “What is the best thing about being a woman over forty?” a friend quoted her 90-year-old Grandmother who said, “Being old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.”

As women mature they often begin to come into their own, they become more confident, willing to take risks—to calm their fears and go for it.

While on vacation this year in the Dominican Republic we took part in some tours that a woman pushing 50 might be old enough to know better but young enough to do anyway. One was horseback riding. I had not been on a horse for over 30 years and had only ever ridden a few times awkwardly. My husband and friends lined up with the experienced riders and wanting to stay with them I got into that line as well. My horse was sad and tired looking, but had a mind of his own.

The first few times he started to run, I was rather terrified and pulled on the reins to stop him, which made him none too happy as he danced and pulled his head from side to side which was scarier for me than the running.

At some point I decided that if I wanted to enjoy this ride I was going to have to make friends with my horse, so to speak, I was going to have to trust that he would get me to where I needed to go, I would have to work with him rather than against him.

I discovered as I did this that he would only run a short distance before he would slow down again and at times when I thought he was getting off track he was only choosing a less mucky path.

There were still a few times when I encouraged him to stay close to the trail, but as I relaxed and stopped trying to control him, I think we both had a much more enjoyable ride. Except for my very sore legs and behind—there was a significant amount of pain involved, but that experience of coming to a place of peace on the back of a horse is not one that I would trade. It’s not one I want to repeat anytime soon, but it is an experience I will always treasure.

I think that often in life, we try too hard to control things that are beyond our control. We are afraid that if we don’t things will not work out the way we want. The problem is that all this fussing just increases our stress and often leads to frustration anyway.

When we relax and stop trying to control our lives and go with the flow rather than against it, we can enjoy the ride more. Coming to a state of peace in our lives means that we can allow, invite and accept the best into our lives—instead of worrying more problems into existence.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

Al Batt said, "The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." 

As a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?” It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.

It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.

So as a marriage counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?”  “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”

As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other.  Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Creating Harmony In Relationships

Ambivalence is part of any relationship. If we are honest with our selves we will acknowledge that our partner is both wonderful and not so wonderful. We would also acknowledge that we are both wonderful and not so wonderful.

Where we run into trouble is when we begin to paint ourselves as good, giving, loving, wonderful and possibly the victim; and our partner as bad, taking, uncaring and the villain. We ignore or make unconscious our negative contributions and focus on what is wrong with our partner. We amplify our goodness and minimize our partner’s goodness.

Creating a lasting relationship means getting comfortable with the contradictions that are a part of all relationships. “I love you.” “ You drive me crazy.” It means accepting that good and bad coexist in each of us and that life is a bundle of paradoxes. We will always have contradictory feeling and contradictory experiences. It is not whether we will be disappointed in our relationship; it is the meaning we choose to attach to that disappointment that determines the depth of our hurt.

We need to be fully present in our relationship, we need to be aware of our contribution to problems and aware of our partner’s positive efforts, express our feelings and come to terms with the reality that we can be angry with and love our partner at the same time. We can choose to behave lovingly, even on those days when we do not feel particularly loving.

Harmony is not always about resolution. Harmony is about creating beautiful music together. It is about resolving one, but acceptance and letting another go. It is about focusing on and accentuating the positive. We can learn to love and accept the contradiction in our self and in our partner.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine