Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

Al Batt said, "The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." 

As a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?” It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.

It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.

So as a marriage counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?”  “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”

As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other.  Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Creating Harmony In Relationships

Ambivalence is part of any relationship. If we are honest with our selves we will acknowledge that our partner is both wonderful and not so wonderful. We would also acknowledge that we are both wonderful and not so wonderful.

Where we run into trouble is when we begin to paint ourselves as good, giving, loving, wonderful and possibly the victim; and our partner as bad, taking, uncaring and the villain. We ignore or make unconscious our negative contributions and focus on what is wrong with our partner. We amplify our goodness and minimize our partner’s goodness.

Creating a lasting relationship means getting comfortable with the contradictions that are a part of all relationships. “I love you.” “ You drive me crazy.” It means accepting that good and bad coexist in each of us and that life is a bundle of paradoxes. We will always have contradictory feeling and contradictory experiences. It is not whether we will be disappointed in our relationship; it is the meaning we choose to attach to that disappointment that determines the depth of our hurt.

We need to be fully present in our relationship, we need to be aware of our contribution to problems and aware of our partner’s positive efforts, express our feelings and come to terms with the reality that we can be angry with and love our partner at the same time. We can choose to behave lovingly, even on those days when we do not feel particularly loving.

Harmony is not always about resolution. Harmony is about creating beautiful music together. It is about resolving one, but acceptance and letting another go. It is about focusing on and accentuating the positive. We can learn to love and accept the contradiction in our self and in our partner.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. A relationship requires limits, not limits on what it can become or where it can lead but limits to shield and safeguard the relationship and the individuals involved. These limits are the boundaries set around the relationship or the couple to protect the sanctity of the relationship.

Boundaries are the parameters within which the relationship operates or lives. Relationship boundaries consist of several different sets or types of boundaries. There are individual boundaries, couple boundaries, and family boundaries, boundaries of friendship, work boundaries and so forth.

Individual boundaries are boundaries that each person has set for themselves; these boundaries serve the same purpose for the individual as they do for relationships. For the purposes of this discussion we will focus primarily on couple boundaries and, where needed, individual boundaries as well.

A quick and easy definition of a boundary is, a set of rules or guidelines unspoken or spoken that define what is allowed within that boundary. For example a boundary set when getting married, often unspoken, is that each partner will remain true and faithful to the other. In other words there will be monogamy. This protects the intimacy and sexual relations of the couple.

Boundaries define what the individuals can or cannot do within the relationship. The above example is an obvious one, however, all boundaries are not that obvious. In fact, most are much more subtle and undefined or unrefined. An example of this might be when our family or in-laws expect us to do certain things for them, with them or even in a certain way, yet we as a couple have our own ideas of what we will or will not do. Establishing “our way” involves setting a boundary. Often times we only find that boundary when someone else’s expectations breach that boundary.

As Miranda, from Sex in the City, states:  “ It’s a slippery slope … without boundaries you never know what might happen.”  This is so true. If we have no boundaries our spouse can dominate if that is their wish, or they can be too distant, or whatever they feel to do. As we are deciding what to allow we must keep in mind that a couple, a successful couple, is two strong and healthy individuals who have reached a meeting of, not only the minds, but the heart as well.

Boundaries are not written in stone. They are in fact quite flexible. Like a water balloon, boundaries can flow around an obstacle and still retain their integrity. Water balloons will burst under constant sustained pressure or explode when pierced with sharp unexpected blows, as will boundaries. Boundaries are extremely durable while at the same can be fragile.  Arthur Baer tells us what to expect from our neighbors about fences and that advise applies to spouses and boundaries as well. He says: “A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb over it”

As a couple, we need to respect each other’s boundaries and we need to expect other’s to respect our couple boundaries.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Feel The Fear And Get On With Life

Elbert Hubbard said, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually to be fearing you will make one.”

Fear of failing in a relationship can lead to exactly that. Fear is the opposite of hope. When we have hope, we are expecting and looking for good things to happen. When we live in fear, we are expecting and looking for bad things to happen.

Fears are as varied as the people who have them. For some it is the fear of what others may think; for others it may be the fear of intimacy, or being hurt, or being rejected or being alone. Whatever fears you have, it is important first to acknowledge and validate your feeling. And it is doubly important not to get stuck in them.

There is no point in worrying about things that we cannot control. Accepting what is, allows us to move forward. There is also little point in worrying about things that we can control. For things that we can control we need to make a choice, either we do something about it or we don’t. Worrying does not help.

So let’s take a deep breath, acknowledge our fears and move forward choosing to hope for good, rather than expecting bad.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Fight Fair

In any relationship that has lasted longer than the initial bloom of lust and attraction there will have been disagreements. Whether these disagreements turn into full fledged, knock down, drag-out fights is the realm of negotiation.

Negotiation is the art of getting what you want or a reasonable facsimile there of. In other words negotiation embodies that key word of any successful relationship; compromise.
Compromise as effective negotiation helps resolve situations where what you want is in conflict with what your spouse wants. Here the goal is to find solutions that leave both of you feeling that both of you have in some what gotten what you want.

You need to know what you want, how important is it—in other words what will you trade for, do you have alternatives, what do you expect and can you live with the worst possible outcome. What are some other solutions to the conflict is important to know, as well.

"Both people have to want to resolve the issue. You don't push buttons, you don't yell and you have to be in the same place. Don't start an argument in the basement when I'm on the 15th floor," says Tony Respess. Both need to be in the same place physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. In order for there to be any kind of discussion you both need to be at least in the same book if not the on the same page.

First things first, in any disagreement you have to face and overcome your fear of confrontation or disable your love of argument. Pick a time and place that is suitable for both of you where there is no one-up-manship, where nobody has more “power” than the other. Ask your partner if this would be a good time for them and if not when. Be calm and use non-threatening “I” statements. Most of all be gentle, remember this is the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Following are an even dozen hints to fighting fair.

1) Don’t lecture
2) Don’t sweat the small details
3) Don’t take everything personally. If your spouse says it’s true it is.
4) Try not to yell
5) Avoid guilt trips and avoid generalizations.
6) Don’t attack them. Avoid personal insults and character assassination.
7) Focus on one issue at a time and discuss the issue as soon as possible.
8) Listen to learn.
9) Don’t leave
10) Be respectful. Confront with truth and validate with love.
11) Stick to the subject; state specifically what it is that you have difficulties with.
12) Remember the goal is to heal and understand not to win.

"The short-term goal may be to get the other person to take the garbage out or to call you when they're late. But the long-term goal should always be to get the other person to understand you and to understand that person so that you can both feel good about each other." This is so true. The ultimate focus of any marital discussion or disagreement is to help each other feel needed, wanted, and loved.

In the Bible in first John it states that perfect love casts out fear. Perhaps you should make a list, do it on paper preferably--but if not, in your head--of all the things that you like about your relationship, that you love about your spouse and those feelings that you can’t live without. When things begin to get too heated, remember the list. As you become involved in these heated discussions the fact that you love and trust each other makes it possible and safe to tell each other what it is that really bothers you. Do so in a manner that accepts responsibility for your feelings and your actions, asking for help and understanding and you may find to your surprise a spouse who genuinely didn’t know and is sorry.

Love, understanding and acceptance go a long way to making change in a marriage. Be patient, kind and forgiving when little slips are made, love is a powerful motivator but so are bitterness and anger, so don’t be so demanding so as to cause your spouse to be motivated by the latter instead of the former.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln. Oh, and the best part of fighting is the making up.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

How Well Are You Meeting Your Partner’s Needs?

All of us, as human beings, have basic human needs. In thriving relationships each partner takes responsibility for meeting their own needs and helps their partner meet their needs.

We are each responsible for meeting our own needs and should not be depending on our partner to make us happy, secure or feel good about our self. That said, it is being aware of and make efforts to help our partner get his/her needs met, that helps create a strong lasting relationship.

There is a temptation to focus on how our partner falls short on meeting our needs. However, it is far more productive to work on improving our self first, thereby inviting our partner to change, rather than demanding that they shape up.

Every person has 6 basic human needs. We all need to feel:
• Safe or secure
• Excitement or enjoy variety
• Loved and accepted
• Important
• We are growing or learning
• We are contributing beyond our self

Consider the things that you say to your partner. Consider your behavior toward your partner. Consider the things that you say to others about your partner. How well are you doing at helping your partner meet his/her basic human needs?

How sure is your partner that you are committed to your relationship? Have you gotten into a boring routine or do you do fun things together? What do you say and do to show your love and acceptance for your partner? Does your partner know that you think s/he is important? Are you growing and learning as a couple? Do you have opportunities to serve each other and to serve a greater cause?

The better you can get at each meeting your own needs and helping each other meet needs, the stronger your relationship will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Want an A+ Marriage: Give Your Partner an A+

Give your partner an A+ and then communicate clearly with them. Listen to their hopes and needs and expectations for your relationship and be honest and clear about your needs and hopes for your relationship. Start out with the attitude that your partner is great and look for evidence to support that position.

Think about what happens inside another person when you give them an A+.

Show appreciation for what your partner says or does that contributes in a positive way. Celebrating even the little successes can help you move toward creating what you want.

Give your partner attention when things are going well. Often we fall into the rut of giving our partner attention mostly when we are displeased. Give positive attention instead of negative attention. Instead of complaining about what has or hasn’t been said or done wrong, acknowledge and appreciate what has be said or done.

Worrying, fussing over and focusing on the ways in which your partner fails to meet your hopes and expectations, simply leads to more worrying and fussing. When you give your partner the message that they are not good enough, the most frequent responses are going to be defensiveness and discouragement. Neither of these responses tend to help people see their potential to improve.

Consider how much positive attention you give your partner. If your partner were to answer the question, “How much positive attention do you receive from (fill in your name)? How might s/he respond? To your partner, does it feel like they are getting an A+ or an F, when it comes to your relationship?

The interesting thing is that when it comes to motivating cooperation, positive feedback is far superior to negative feedback. Positive communication is vital to the health of your relationship. When your partner makes an effort to get your attention, how do you respond? Research shows that in marriages on the verge of divorce, husbands and wives respond to a request for attention negatively 50% of the time or more. Where husbands and wives in stable relationships respond positively over 80% of the time.

If you want to create an A+ relationship, start by giving your partner an A+.