Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. A relationship requires limits, not limits on what it can become or where it can lead but limits to shield and safeguard the relationship and the individuals involved. These limits are the boundaries set around the relationship or the couple to protect the sanctity of the relationship.

Boundaries are the parameters within which the relationship operates or lives. Relationship boundaries consist of several different sets or types of boundaries. There are individual boundaries, couple boundaries, and family boundaries, boundaries of friendship, work boundaries and so forth.

Individual boundaries are boundaries that each person has set for themselves; these boundaries serve the same purpose for the individual as they do for relationships. For the purposes of this discussion we will focus primarily on couple boundaries and, where needed, individual boundaries as well.

A quick and easy definition of a boundary is, a set of rules or guidelines unspoken or spoken that define what is allowed within that boundary. For example a boundary set when getting married, often unspoken, is that each partner will remain true and faithful to the other. In other words there will be monogamy. This protects the intimacy and sexual relations of the couple.

Boundaries define what the individuals can or cannot do within the relationship. The above example is an obvious one, however, all boundaries are not that obvious. In fact, most are much more subtle and undefined or unrefined. An example of this might be when our family or in-laws expect us to do certain things for them, with them or even in a certain way, yet we as a couple have our own ideas of what we will or will not do. Establishing “our way” involves setting a boundary. Often times we only find that boundary when someone else’s expectations breach that boundary.

As Miranda, from Sex in the City, states:  “ It’s a slippery slope … without boundaries you never know what might happen.”  This is so true. If we have no boundaries our spouse can dominate if that is their wish, or they can be too distant, or whatever they feel to do. As we are deciding what to allow we must keep in mind that a couple, a successful couple, is two strong and healthy individuals who have reached a meeting of, not only the minds, but the heart as well.

Boundaries are not written in stone. They are in fact quite flexible. Like a water balloon, boundaries can flow around an obstacle and still retain their integrity. Water balloons will burst under constant sustained pressure or explode when pierced with sharp unexpected blows, as will boundaries. Boundaries are extremely durable while at the same can be fragile.  Arthur Baer tells us what to expect from our neighbors about fences and that advise applies to spouses and boundaries as well. He says: “A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb over it”

As a couple, we need to respect each other’s boundaries and we need to expect other’s to respect our couple boundaries.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Feel The Fear And Get On With Life

Elbert Hubbard said, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually to be fearing you will make one.”

Fear of failing in a relationship can lead to exactly that. Fear is the opposite of hope. When we have hope, we are expecting and looking for good things to happen. When we live in fear, we are expecting and looking for bad things to happen.

Fears are as varied as the people who have them. For some it is the fear of what others may think; for others it may be the fear of intimacy, or being hurt, or being rejected or being alone. Whatever fears you have, it is important first to acknowledge and validate your feeling. And it is doubly important not to get stuck in them.

There is no point in worrying about things that we cannot control. Accepting what is, allows us to move forward. There is also little point in worrying about things that we can control. For things that we can control we need to make a choice, either we do something about it or we don’t. Worrying does not help.

So let’s take a deep breath, acknowledge our fears and move forward choosing to hope for good, rather than expecting bad.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Fight Fair

In any relationship that has lasted longer than the initial bloom of lust and attraction there will have been disagreements. Whether these disagreements turn into full fledged, knock down, drag-out fights is the realm of negotiation.

Negotiation is the art of getting what you want or a reasonable facsimile there of. In other words negotiation embodies that key word of any successful relationship; compromise.
Compromise as effective negotiation helps resolve situations where what you want is in conflict with what your spouse wants. Here the goal is to find solutions that leave both of you feeling that both of you have in some what gotten what you want.

You need to know what you want, how important is it—in other words what will you trade for, do you have alternatives, what do you expect and can you live with the worst possible outcome. What are some other solutions to the conflict is important to know, as well.

"Both people have to want to resolve the issue. You don't push buttons, you don't yell and you have to be in the same place. Don't start an argument in the basement when I'm on the 15th floor," says Tony Respess. Both need to be in the same place physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. In order for there to be any kind of discussion you both need to be at least in the same book if not the on the same page.

First things first, in any disagreement you have to face and overcome your fear of confrontation or disable your love of argument. Pick a time and place that is suitable for both of you where there is no one-up-manship, where nobody has more “power” than the other. Ask your partner if this would be a good time for them and if not when. Be calm and use non-threatening “I” statements. Most of all be gentle, remember this is the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Following are an even dozen hints to fighting fair.

1) Don’t lecture
2) Don’t sweat the small details
3) Don’t take everything personally. If your spouse says it’s true it is.
4) Try not to yell
5) Avoid guilt trips and avoid generalizations.
6) Don’t attack them. Avoid personal insults and character assassination.
7) Focus on one issue at a time and discuss the issue as soon as possible.
8) Listen to learn.
9) Don’t leave
10) Be respectful. Confront with truth and validate with love.
11) Stick to the subject; state specifically what it is that you have difficulties with.
12) Remember the goal is to heal and understand not to win.

"The short-term goal may be to get the other person to take the garbage out or to call you when they're late. But the long-term goal should always be to get the other person to understand you and to understand that person so that you can both feel good about each other." This is so true. The ultimate focus of any marital discussion or disagreement is to help each other feel needed, wanted, and loved.

In the Bible in first John it states that perfect love casts out fear. Perhaps you should make a list, do it on paper preferably--but if not, in your head--of all the things that you like about your relationship, that you love about your spouse and those feelings that you can’t live without. When things begin to get too heated, remember the list. As you become involved in these heated discussions the fact that you love and trust each other makes it possible and safe to tell each other what it is that really bothers you. Do so in a manner that accepts responsibility for your feelings and your actions, asking for help and understanding and you may find to your surprise a spouse who genuinely didn’t know and is sorry.

Love, understanding and acceptance go a long way to making change in a marriage. Be patient, kind and forgiving when little slips are made, love is a powerful motivator but so are bitterness and anger, so don’t be so demanding so as to cause your spouse to be motivated by the latter instead of the former.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln. Oh, and the best part of fighting is the making up.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

How Well Are You Meeting Your Partner’s Needs?

All of us, as human beings, have basic human needs. In thriving relationships each partner takes responsibility for meeting their own needs and helps their partner meet their needs.

We are each responsible for meeting our own needs and should not be depending on our partner to make us happy, secure or feel good about our self. That said, it is being aware of and make efforts to help our partner get his/her needs met, that helps create a strong lasting relationship.

There is a temptation to focus on how our partner falls short on meeting our needs. However, it is far more productive to work on improving our self first, thereby inviting our partner to change, rather than demanding that they shape up.

Every person has 6 basic human needs. We all need to feel:
• Safe or secure
• Excitement or enjoy variety
• Loved and accepted
• Important
• We are growing or learning
• We are contributing beyond our self

Consider the things that you say to your partner. Consider your behavior toward your partner. Consider the things that you say to others about your partner. How well are you doing at helping your partner meet his/her basic human needs?

How sure is your partner that you are committed to your relationship? Have you gotten into a boring routine or do you do fun things together? What do you say and do to show your love and acceptance for your partner? Does your partner know that you think s/he is important? Are you growing and learning as a couple? Do you have opportunities to serve each other and to serve a greater cause?

The better you can get at each meeting your own needs and helping each other meet needs, the stronger your relationship will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Want an A+ Marriage: Give Your Partner an A+

Give your partner an A+ and then communicate clearly with them. Listen to their hopes and needs and expectations for your relationship and be honest and clear about your needs and hopes for your relationship. Start out with the attitude that your partner is great and look for evidence to support that position.

Think about what happens inside another person when you give them an A+.

Show appreciation for what your partner says or does that contributes in a positive way. Celebrating even the little successes can help you move toward creating what you want.

Give your partner attention when things are going well. Often we fall into the rut of giving our partner attention mostly when we are displeased. Give positive attention instead of negative attention. Instead of complaining about what has or hasn’t been said or done wrong, acknowledge and appreciate what has be said or done.

Worrying, fussing over and focusing on the ways in which your partner fails to meet your hopes and expectations, simply leads to more worrying and fussing. When you give your partner the message that they are not good enough, the most frequent responses are going to be defensiveness and discouragement. Neither of these responses tend to help people see their potential to improve.

Consider how much positive attention you give your partner. If your partner were to answer the question, “How much positive attention do you receive from (fill in your name)? How might s/he respond? To your partner, does it feel like they are getting an A+ or an F, when it comes to your relationship?

The interesting thing is that when it comes to motivating cooperation, positive feedback is far superior to negative feedback. Positive communication is vital to the health of your relationship. When your partner makes an effort to get your attention, how do you respond? Research shows that in marriages on the verge of divorce, husbands and wives respond to a request for attention negatively 50% of the time or more. Where husbands and wives in stable relationships respond positively over 80% of the time.

If you want to create an A+ relationship, start by giving your partner an A+.

How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

Do you feel like your partner does not listen to a word you say? Are you frustrated, feeling like there is no point in even trying?

When you feel like you were not being heard, consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core? Words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart.

Check to see if your word and behavior may be encouraging your partner not to listen. The following are ways to talk so that your partner will not listen:

Use Sarcasm
Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.
Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Brutally Honest
Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Be Harsh and Judging
Complaining is one of the best ways to get your partner to tune out or stop listening. Judging harshly builds resentment and encourages him/her to tune out. Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore.

Tease Mercilessly
At times people try to disguise meanness by saying, “I’m just kidding.” Mean is mean and saying I’m teasing does not make it any less mean. Thinking that your partner should “suck it up,” or “have a thicker skin” shows a lack of respect for his/her feelings. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of teasing and a wedge is driven between partners, creating greater distance over time.

Considering how to talk so your partner will not listen may help you to identify behaviors that are destructive to your relationship. If you see yourself in any of the above, it may be time to try something different.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Celebrate Your Love

“Great love is built on great sacrifice and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love.” Harold B Lee

At this Christmas time of year we are driven to give gifts to others. It sometimes seems that we almost believe that the bigger, the more expensive or the larger the amount of what we give proves our love. What I would like to discuss here is a gift that requires no money and no stressful evenings at the mall. The gift I would like to suggest this year is you.

As Harold B Lee stated above the giving of ones’ self is the basis of a great and abiding love. When we give of ourselves from the heart we tend to grow and swell with a positive, empowering love and that also includes a self-love. Service increases our feelings of worth; it enriches our own sense of esteem. We become better. It has been said that the best way out of a depression, a way to rid you of the blues is to find someone else to serve and do it.

So we need to serve our partners and why would we not want to, we profess to love him/her. We hear so often in counseling; “I don’t know if I believe him/her when s/he says ‘I love you.’ I want to believe and trust that to be true but I don’t know if I can.” So how to do we prove it? By showing it, our actions and our behavior should be congruent with our words, then our partners can begin to believe our love for them.

Where to start? As stated before in this ezine; acceptance is the birthplace of change. We need to accept what is, is. Arthur Rubinstein stated: “Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” The place to start is to accept yourself as you are and then give your partner that same gift.

Because as Dr. Robert Anthony said; “True love depends on true freedom. Only those who are free can afford to love without reservation.” This is a two-sided observation. One deals with ourselves and our view of our self. The other deals with our partner and what we expect of him/her. If we put conditions on our love (I will love you when you make more money or when you are in better shape or whatever condition we apply) we are not allowing them to be truly free. Conditions restrict our behavior, our creativity, our expressions and with conditions we are not free to be who we really are. So the first gift would be to love each other unconditionally.
Now we should deal with our own view of ourselves. What does that have to do with giving a gift to our partner? Well if you bought them a coffee maker and it didn’t work would you not return it or fix it? Yes. When our view of ourselves is skewed, when our beliefs about our self worth is twisted, when our self-esteem is in the… well you know where then the gift of “our self” is broken. We need to fix it. Gift number two is to heal our selves, to grow in maturity and strength.

Next, we need to start to heal our relationship, to grow it, to bring it to maturity. And that starts with forgiveness. Hannah Arendt said it best; “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” Remember that we can’t truly love unless we are truly free. Holding grudges and hurt or hard feelings is binding us in the past; we are not free to grow and to love. Gift number three is to forgive each other and our selves.

How about a stocking stuffer? Paul Sweeney says that, “a wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies on any given year.” We need to understand we don’t fall in love or out of love. Love is a verb and action word signifying a choice. We choose to love or not. So put that in his or her stocking, the choice you have made to love them.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy your lives together; celebrate the season by celebrating your love.

“If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.” Norman Vincent Peale.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine