Appreciation Habit

If you have ever had the stomach flu for a few days running and have been unable to eat, you know how incredible that first piece of buttered toast tastes. The toast has not changed, it is your awareness that has changed; your attention if focused on the experience of eating the toast and you savor it, enjoy it and are grateful to be able to eat.

Think about the things that you regularly do each day with little or no attention. Anything that has become a habit falls into this category. You probably have your morning ritual, shower, dress, eat, brush teeth, most of which you could almost do in your sleep. In a way you sort of are sleeping. You are not really awake, aware and paying attention to what you are doing.

How many of the things that are essential to our survival do we simply take for granted? If they were not there we would be miserable, but because they are always there we don’t even notice them. We don’t appreciate what we have because it just becomes part of the background. You cannot be grateful for that which you are unaware.

Unfortunately, all too often our interactions with our partner can become “ritualized”. Asking, “How was your day,” but not really listening or paying attention to each other or the feelings behind the person.

We hear the comment from clients that their partner appreciates strangers more than they appreciate them. The sad thing is that when a stranger does something nice for us we express gratitude because the kindness was unexpected and therefore we noticed it. We expect our partner to be kind to us and when they are we often don’t express gratitude because they are simply doing what they should do. What we do “notice” is if they do or say something unkind.

When we choose to wake up and appreciate our partner daily we will begin to see an increase in love and gratitude. People have a natural tendency to ignore those things that happen frequently. If you live close to an airport you may have found that at first the noise of the planes was annoying, but after a while you didn’t hear the planes anymore. Your brain simply filters it out as not relevant and the noise becomes part of the background.

This ability of our brain to selectively pay attention is part of what helps us cope in life. There are so many things vying for our concentration, it is impossible to give everything our full attention. However, if we allow ourselves to tune out our partner or interact with them thoughtlessly, our relationship is going to suffer. By interacting thoughtlessly I mean interacting on auto pilot.

Make it a habit to frequently (daily is ideal) give your partner your full attention.
Giving our partner our full attention will help us feel appreciation for them. Develop the habit of appreciation in your relationship and watch your passion bloom.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Power of Acceptance

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship. The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being. Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Death Knell for Relationship

Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” “That is just stupid,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” indicate a lack of respect for your partner.

It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,” without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.

A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?” or “Why would I want to be with someone who thinks that I am less than he is?”

When you frequently take the position that you are superior to your partner--that you are smarter or more attractive--you have lost the sense of equality that is important to a healthy relationship. Looking down on your partner will cause them to either fight or withdraw. Either way, their self-image will be weakened and you will pay a heavy price for making your partner the loser in your relationship.

One component of a mature relationship is the ability to tolerate differences. Maturity means recognizing that when your partner disagrees with you they are not necessarily wrong, they are just different. Differences can add richness to your relationship, as long as respect is involved.

Part of setting healthy boundaries in your relationship involves understanding who owns feelings, thoughts and opinions. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Your partner is responsible for his own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Each of you is entitled to feel, think and decide for yourself. Each of you is entitled to have your thoughts, feelings and opinions respected.

If your partner is frequently treating you with contempt it is important that you look after yourself. Do not give in to the fight or withdraw reflex. Being aggressive or passive will not improve the situation. You want to assertively fortify your personal boundaries. When you stand up for yourself in a respectful way your partner will hopefully follow suit.

If you don’t stand up to your partner for fear that their reaction could be dangerous either physically or emotionally, then you might want to get help or get out.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Renewal

In our counseling practice we are often asked to help people repair broken marriages. Often one partner wants to “win back” the love of their partner, who is adamant that they have fallen out of love. Sometime both parties want to find their way back to love.

If you want to set your marriage back on track there are some things you will want to keep in mind. It can be very devastating to learn that your partner does not love you any more. Many people end up running in circles trying to discover the reason and find some way to convince their partner that they are still lovable.

We have been programmed to think that there must be a pill or a quick fix for everything. People think, ‘If I can just figure out and do what it is my partner says they want from me then everything will be fine.’ Unfortunately this often only increases the problems.

There is no quick fix. You have consistently neglected to do the little things that needed doing. That is how you ended up where you are today. There is no grand gesture that can erase the past. Instead, it will be the consistent doing of the little things that eventually may add up to a renewal of your marriage.

If you are a gardener you know that to enjoy a bountiful harvest, you must first plant the seeds, then weed and water and WAIT. Waiting is part of the process. Consistently tending your garden over time will result in a great harvest.

If you have not weeded or water your garden, rushing in at the last minute to pull the huge weeds and pour water on the garden will not get the same results. When you pull out the huge weeds the plants will be weak and vulnerable. If you pour on too much water you may drown them. If you don’t tenderly allow them to grow and strengthen, you will never get the results you desire.

William George Jordan said, “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil - the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what a man really is, not what he pretends to be.”

If you want your partner to fall in love with you again, you must be your best self. It will not work to pretend to be who your partner thinks s/he wants you to be. But changing your behavior to begin nourishing your relationship rather than neglecting it could in time make all the difference.

If you say to yourself, I have always cared about our relationship and I have worked on nurturing it. Chances are you are only deceiving yourself. If you want to save your relationship you will need to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask: In what ways has my attitude and behavior contributed to our problems? Then do something about it.

If S/he Loved Me . . .

"Two men look out from the same prison bars. One sees mud and one the stars." Unknown

A young friend recently shared her thirtieth birthday experience with me:

To her turning thirty was a big deal and she wanted to celebrate. She knew that her husband was in the middle of mid-terms as well as a heavy assignment load and that he would not have the time to plan a party for her. Knowing that her husband loved her, but was too stressed to make her birthday what she wanted it to be, she decided that she was going to make this special for herself. She got her three small children involved and planned and decorated for her own party. She said that she had the greatest day as she decided to treat herself and have fun that day. Consequently she, her husband and her family have wonderful memories of her thirtieth birthday.

What a mature and self-empowering approach to life.

Contrast this with someone moodily brooding and worrying that they were not going to get the party that they wanted for their birthday—getting more miserable the closer the day came. When the day arrives they are sullen and angry. They tell themselves, “If my partner loved me s/he would know that I wanted a fuss made over my birthday—therefore s/he doesn’t really care and doesn’t really love me.” They choose to spend the day in the garden eating worms, creating yet another traumatic memory.

You have the option of making yourself perfectly miserable or the choice to be “happy with.” You can choose to be happy with yourself, with your partner, with your children, with life in general.

There is a tendency when people don’t really feel that they are loveable, to manufacture experiences to prove that they are unloved. They set themselves up to be repeatedly disappointed. Thus proving what they believed all along that they are unloved and unlovable.

Choosing to be loving to oneself is one of the quickest ways to begin to feel love from others. When people accept and love themselves they are able to release others from constantly having to prove that they are lovable. They are free to ask for what they want because they know that they are worth it. Sometimes people are afraid to ask because they are not sure that they are worth it and they want someone else to decide and show them that they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

"The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." Al Batt

As a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?” It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.

It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.

So as a marriage counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?” “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”

As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other. Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine