Relationship

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

If you are harboring unrealistic expectations, it is only a matter of time before they damage your relationship. Unrealistic expectations set you up for huge disappointment and lead to discouragement and an unnecessary sense of failure. It is not what happens in your relationship, but how you spin it for yourself that causes great pain.

Say for example you hold the expectation that you should always feel madly in love. It is inevitable that life will get in the way and there may be some days where you do not even particularly like each other. If you draw the false conclusion that this means you are not good enough or that maybe you were never in love, then your relationship will begin to falter. You will likely start to think negatively about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You may begin to act negatively toward your partner. These choices of thoughts and behaviors start to reinforce your false conclusion. The tendency then is often to avoid working on your issues and avoid seeking help. It is helpful to recognize that great relationships require consistent effort, respect, kindness and forgiveness, even when things are going well.


How do you know if your expectations are unrealistic? This may not be easy since your expectations probably seem perfectly reasonable to you.

Signs that you may be harboring an unrealistic expectation:

1. You are continually disappointed that your expectation has not been met. When you notice a pattern of repeated disappointment, it may be time to carefully consider your expectation and whether it is completely realistic.
2. You are trying to control something that is not within your control
3. You are assuming or mind reading.
4. Your expectations make it not okay to be who you are.
5. Your expectations make it not okay for your partner to be who they are.

It can be difficult to let go of unrealistic expectations. You may believe that you have to keep your standards high in order to motivate yourself or to protect yourself. It is helpful to distinguish between high standards, which are worth striving for and unrealistic expectations, which lead to discouragement. High standards are based on principles like honesty, virtue and integrity. Unrealistic expectations are frequently based on fears that you are not enough or not lovable or not smart enough or other variations.

To let go of unrealistic expectations try using the following:

• Be compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Be willing to communicate honestly, without blaming. (I felt hurt because I thought . . .)
• Get curious about the origin of your expectations. Become a bit of a detective and do some soul searching.
• Be flexible, notice when you are using ‘my way or the highway’ tactics. Perhaps your partner is not wrong, just different.
• Watch your self-talk. Reflect on how you would talk to a friend in this situation.
• Consider the consequence of hanging on to a particular expectation. What is the cost to you and to your relationship? Consciously decide to let go of expectations that are harming rather than helping you.
• Use your sense of humor. Visualize your expectations as if you were in a sitcom or cartoon. Learn to laugh at how unrealistic they are.

Replacing your unrealistic expectations with more realistic expectations may help you think more positively about your relationship. You may start to behave more positively toward your partner and your relationship will be strengthened.