Hi, this is Roland.

Looking for help with your relationship or marriage? Some feedback from a couples coach?

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Here's my 1 minute sound byte about The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and my special offer of a free eBook as a token of my appreciation for a donation of any amount.




Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your iPhone, computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. A great introduction and good for marrieds, singles, and people in long term and short term relationships. When issues arise, this book explains the why.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.


 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book.  




Based on 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   . I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."
Amazon customer review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. .  .  . . The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."
Suzy - San Bernardino    

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in Kindle edition

Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from my 25 years of experience. Plus the books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help keep this blog going, you are actually paying forward to help others. I frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Hi, this is Roland.

Here's my 1 minute sound byte about The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and my special offer of a free eBook as a token of my appreciation for a donation of any amount.




Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your iPhone, computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. A great introduction and good for marrieds, singles, and people in long term and short term relationships. When issues arise, this book explains the why.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.


 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book.  




Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better? What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

Now The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is available in Kindle!

You don't even need a Kindle. As soon as you make your purchase you can start reading it within seconds on the Amazon Cloud.

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in Kindle edition

Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from my 25 years of experience. Plus the books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help keep this blog going, you are actually paying forward to help others. I frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Stop Judging Your Partner

“Really get to know a person by watching them closely without judgment.” T.R. Horne

Wonderful things will happen when you offer your partner acceptance and attention, rather than criticism and judgment. What might happen if we simply respected our partner’s right to think what they think and feel how they feel?

It is an interesting challenge to let go of the need to weigh and measure everything to decide if we approve. What if our approval is not required? Simply our acceptance.

Unfortunately, for too many couples, the frequency of acceptance and approval starts to diminish as disappointments, hurts and resentments build up. Criticism, right-fighting and judgment enters the relationship. Blame and judgment go hand-in-hand in creating division and discontent in relationships.


Judgment gives the messages, you are not enough; you are defective somehow. Judgment gets in the way of loving unconditionally. It sets a tone for the attitude of – I love you when you do what I want or what I expect. It leads to the withholding of love.

It is a challenge to give up the tendency to judge what our partner says or does. Hopefully we never use words such as stupid, idiot or worse when we are talking to or refering to our partner. These attitudes and words are extremely poisonous to relationships.

Interesting things will start to happen when we give up the need to decide if what our partner does or says is good or bad, right or wrong. Sitting in judgment of our partner leads to conflict.

Try replacing “It is good that you . . .” with “I enjoyed when you . . .” and “You were right” with “I appreciated when you . . .”
Try replacing “You are wrong” with “We seem to disagree, here is how I see it” and “That was a stupid thing to do” with “That was is an interesting choice, what made you decide . . .” Your tone of voice is probably as or more important than the words you choose.

It is not our place to judge our partner. If we find ourselves judging our partner, there is a very good chance that we also judge ourselves harshly. Make a habit of focusing on the positives. Pay attention to your strengths and your partner’s strengths. When you catch yourself thinking judgmental thoughts about yourself or your partner, try putting a more positive spin on those thoughts.

Passing judgment hurts our partner and the relationship. It fills the relationship with negativity and although it may momentarily feel satisfying, it usually leads to feeling worse in the long run.

Control what you can control – and that is not your partner.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor; Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The song says love and marriage
Go together
Like a horse and carriage.
If so, why is marriage so disparaged?

A marriage of two selfish people
Will not be good
When both partners brood.
Even if the wedding was under a steeple.

But don't worry,
And don't be in a hurry.
We're all a bit selfish before we grow,
That's what lifelong learning is for.

So if you feel there is something missing,
Start by being more forgiving.

No one is perfect, least of all you.
He chose you, but you chose him too.

You knew he wasn't perfect way back then,
And now you want to start all over again?
Think a new partner will be any better?
You'll say Swiss and he'll say cheddar.

"Mirror, mirror, square or round,
Who's the fairest one in town?"
It isn't you, and you know it's true,
If you are resentful and wear a frown. "

But I'm always nice and helpful as can be.
I'm always doing for others,
I'm busy, busy, busy."
Yes, but under all your doing,
Resentment is stewing.

When you go the extra mile,
You secretly judge others for not appreciating you.
While on the surface you wore a smile,
Underneath your resentment grew.

To make unhappiness go away
And start feeling better today,Roland says here's how to start--
Better to wear a smile on your heart,
than a smile on your face
For everyone in town.

Don't be like the circus clown
Who smiles but is secretly wearing a frown.

When you are smiling inside
You won't even remember why you cried.

To forgive is to forget
You're asking how to forgive, I bet.

The answer is easy:
Just remember to no longer resent
And you'll wonder where the bitterness went
When you remember to be more forgiving.

There won't be any misgiving,
And you'll give thanksgiving
For the joy you will be feeling.
No more tired and blue,
And your husband will notice it too.

"I think my husband hates me."
Here is a free communication questionnaire. I'm hoping that you guys just have different communication styles that are leading to misunderstandings.


One lady said, "I think my husband hates me"   Actually he did not hate her. I'll tell you more about her marriage later. But right now, here is a little questionnaire to do a little communication check up on your marriage.

It is totally not meant to be scientific and it is not meant to diagnose anything. But after 25 years of relationship coaching and several books, I came up with these questions for this fun little questionnaire. They give us something to talk about.

Please note: this questionnaire is only for marriages where both partners are good people and there is no violence, abuse, or emotional abuse. See advisory at the bottom of the page.



Communication Questionnaire

Just answer each question yes or no. If you are not sure, go with your first impression. There will be time to reconsider later.

  


1. My husband has become less communicative that earlier in our marriage.

2. When we are having a meal with other people, I do most of the talking.

3.  He mostly talks about work.

4.  When I want to talk about some issue, he clams up and says nothing or just one word answers.

5.  He mostly wants to talk about sports.

6. Sometimes he walks away when we are having a discussion.

7. When he comes home from work I want to talk but he just wants to watch television, read the paper, or nap.

8.  We have don't have a lot in common.

9.  He talks more to others than he does to me.

10.  I resent my husband.

11. I have a hard time forgiving him for something he did.

12. My husband is uncommunicative just like my father was.

13.  My husband has a hobby that I think he devotes too much time to.

14. My husband spends more time watching sports than with me.

15. I think my husband resents me, but he tries to hide it.

16. Opposites attract. We were totally different and that is why we were attracted, but now it seems we have nothing in common.

17.  I tend to be moody.

18. My husband is under a lot of stress at work.

19. I am under a lot of stress at work.

20.  We are having some financial difficulties.

21. I think my husband spends too much time at work. 

22. My husband is not mean or rude, just uncommunicative.

23. We make up after an argument.

24.  My husband never says anything bad about me to others.

25.  My husband insists that he does not hate me.

26.  One of the reasons I think my husband hates me is because he is not as romantic like he was when we were first married.

27.  My husband and I laugh at the same jokes.

28. There are some things that we enjoy doing together.

29. One or both of us have been under a lot of stress lately.

30.  My husband says he will never leave me.

31.  My husband does not flirt with other women.

32.  I love my husband.

33. Our kids like their father and say that he does not hate me.


Add up the number of yes answers.

Now compare with this little scoring guide.

A score of

A score of 25 or more means that there is some misunderstanding between you two and possibly some unresolved issues that need attention. It does not mean that you husband necessarily hates you, it means that you strongly feel that he does. So there are some things to work on.  

A score of 20 to 24. This score is typical of many marriages. But it does indicate that you feel that your husband hates you, even though many of the things listed are typical of marriages. 

A score of 15 to 20 is very typical of many good marriages!  I'm guessing that you two have more in common than you think, and chances are he is a typical guy.

A score of 10 to 15 means that you guys are way above average when it comes to communication.

A score of 5 to 10. A marriage made in Heaven. You should write a book.

A score of less than 5. Either you guys are saints or you are living apart.


Men and women tend to have different communication styles because they are wired differently. We expect more from each other nowadays, and that is why I made this little questionnaire. I am hoping that I can save a marriage or two. I am convinced that there are some nice ladies who have a good husband but think he hates her, when he actually does not.

There is the story of a husband and wife who were married for 50 years. On the morning of their anniversary, the husband said he would make breakfast. When he brought her breakfast in bed, she burst into tears.
"What's wrong," he asked.
She sobbed and said: "All these years you've been giving me the end slice of toast which I don't like. And now on our 50th wedding anniversary you give me the end slice again. 
But darling, he said, the end slice is my favorite, and I gave you the end slice because I thought it was your favorite too."

A humorous story, but a sad case of misunderstanding. 

Ladies:

Men tend to be less communicative. They tend to talk less. Men are more task oriented than relationship oriented. Sometimes men don't say anything because they don't know what to say. Or they do not want to add more energy to an already emotional situation. Sometimes men feel like she is judging everything he does, and he feels like he will be wrong no matter what he says, so they say nothing. Sometimes men have let way too long go by without saying anything, so they are afraid that if they said something that anger would come out. So they are suppressed.

You can't make a man into a man. Give him some space. Let him take charge of some things, even if you don't approve of how he does things. Watch out for judgment. 



Men:  Your wives and your kids need you to be there emotionally for them.  Be ready to listen.  As the years go by, you should become more fatherly. Less of a big kid and more like a patient, wise noble man. Watch out for resentment.  

Recommended reading

Putting the Forever Back in Love - my most recent relationship book

Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice - shows how men and women process stress differently. By John Grey, who wrote the excellent Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus






Advisory

If you or someone in your family is experiencing bullying, child abuse, or domestic violence or abuse, you should seek help immediately from your local social service agency, woman's shelter, mental health professional, law enforcement, or child protective services. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help right away. Internet and phone use can be monitored. Be careful. If need be go to a safe phone or safe internet connection to get professional help immediately.