Creating A Family Sanctuary

Perhaps you have had moments where there is peace, quiet and contentment in your home. Perhaps there have been other times where there has been chaos and conflict. Your goal is probably to create more of the first and less of the second.  Creating a haven for your family, means creating both physical and emotional safety. Having a family sanctuary gives you all a place to recharge in order to better face day-to-day challenges.



Ideas that my help you flourish as a family:

1. Smile. Smiles help both the giver and the receiver to feel better. Cultivate an attitude of being happy to greet your family. Smile at each other, laugh and find the joy in the moment.
2. Connect. Take time to make eye contact and talk with each other. Connecting with family members each day takes time, but growing close and trusting relationships may save you many hours of worry in later years. Create happy memories of family time.
3. Limit Technology. Establish some technology free times and zones. Be present with each other as you eat your meal or visit. Take the challenge to have a technology free day at least once a month.
4. Make Your Marriage. A Priority. The best thing that you can do for your children is to have a healthy, strong relationship. By taking care of your marriage you set the example for them, you provide them with a great deal of security and greatly increase the chances of your home being a haven.
5. Slow Down. Parents and children today are often so over-scheduled that they constantly feel frazzled. Limit the number of commitments. Try making some of your after school activities family activities. Remember that everyone needs some down time.
6. Develop Family Traditions. Having family rituals will help you feel closer to each other. Rituals are predictable and repeated over time. You can have rituals around coming and going, holidays, or even simple things like a once a month clean the house and then eat pizza and watch a movie ritual. Teach your children the stories of your ancestors, especially how they overcame challenges. This will help them feel a sense of family dignity, which will help them as they face challenges.
7. Be Respectful. There is no substitute for respect if you want to create a safe environment for your family. Be careful what you say after ‘you are _____’. Harsh judgments, whether aimed at your children, your partner or yourself, damage self-esteem and relationships. Name calling, yelling and cursing do not make your home a haven.
8. Discipline, Rather Than Punish. Help your children practice doing it right. You goal should be helping your children become responsible adults, rather than insisting on unthinking obedience. Making expectations clear and consistently allowing consequences to follow choices, helps children learn responsibility. 
9. Check In And Validate. Listen carefully when a family member is talking. Try offering validation, by restating what they have said in your own words. Do the best you can to have only one person at a time doing the talking—use a talking stick if necessary. Many miscommunications can be avoided when we check in, to see if we have heard each other correctly, rather than assuming we know.
10. Be Flexible. Things seldom go exactly as planned and one of the best things that we can teach our children is to accept and deal with what is. Families are often required to adapt to new situations. Be open to influence from each other.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

“Gratitude means thinking about all of your partner’s best traits and remembering why you got into a relationship with them in the first place.” Amie M Gordon

In an article, written long ago, in a different time and place, entitled Gratitude: the Marriage Miracle, I stated that a sense of gratitude is one of the most powerful tools in enhancing your relationship. That is still true.

Why is gratitude so powerful? One reason is when you express gratitude you have to be positive, you cannot be grateful and negative at the same time. So when we express are gratitude to or about our partner we are thinking positively about them. That by itself is a powerful thing. Also there is the positive effect on the relationship brought about through expressing gratitude. In research conducted by Sara Algoe, she found that grateful couples were more satisfied in their relationships and felt closer to each other.  Isn’t that the whole purpose of relationships; to feel closer to one another?


 We cultivate love through gratitude with an honest self-examination of our own conduct towards our spouse. As the Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck says, relationships are a gift, not because they make us happy - they often don’t - “but because any intimate relationship, if we view it as practice, is the clearest mirror we can find.” Relationships allow us a closer look at ourselves and when we find ourselves acting and behaving with gratitude and respect toward others we gain a bit more self-worth or esteem.

Amie Gordon found that participants’ reported feelings of gratitude towards a romantic partner predicted who would stay in their relationships and who would break up nine months later. The more grateful participants were, the more likely they were to still be in their relationship. So we find that through expressing our appreciation and gratitude we are solidifying our relationship.

Expressing our gratitude is one of the most important things we can do in our relationship. As we do so we empower and strengthen our relationship. To thank each other for just being in our lives makes a difference. When an aura of gratitude pervades a relationship, both individuals are continually renewed in spirit.

It is in the little things that great things are made possible. We can have a great relationship if we take care of the little things in our lives. Taking care of each other’s heart, love and name shows we respect them and are grateful for them in our life. Gratitude is expressed simply and quietly, with no thought of a return or any conditions. We do it because we love each other and because it feels great.

“When I invite gratitude into my life, there is an immediate and delicious softening around the edges of my ego. My heart opens. I breathe more fully. The muscles, tissues and cells of my body relax. My mind lets go of its incessant occupation with what isn't, and quietly eases into the reality of what is.”  Diana Daffner


Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., M.Psy., R.T.C., M.T.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

This is an issue I hear more and more. I wrote a very popular article about what to do if your wife asks you to leave, and because I have been told by many men that they have found it helpful, I am using that that article as a foundation for this one.

So, here goes.
.
Generally, for spiritual reasons, I recommend that you not be the one who initiates the separation.
.
If the other person moves out or files for divorce, it is still a free country, as the expression goes. But if you make the first move, then you have the guilt of it. Generally divorce is not a good thing and a separation is often a softened way of making the contemplated divorce easier to get started. So initiating it puts a burden of guilt on you. This advice applies to both husband or wife.

There is the situation where the other person is drug addict, criminal, or abusive person. Of course, you have to protect yourself and the children. You might have to get the help of the authorities. If your wife is a drug addict, abusive or a criminal, then were she to leave, as long as you get the kids, it could be a blessing. If she takes the kids then that is not good at all. 

If you are a good guy, but you are getting over some issues you have not quite put completely behind you, then the separation could be good, if she is giving you a chance to clean up your act.


But in this post, I'm addressing the more typical situation where both husband and wife are decent, good people.
.

When both are good people, it is best not to separate. It is best to stay together and work things out.

The statistics show that when there is a separation, in the majority of cases it leads to divorce. Or it leads to a a permanent separation where they never get back together again.

Most people who separate do not get back together again.

So, do you want a divorce? If not, you can see that (with exceptions) separation means that the marriage will be over. So you are better off staying together, working things out, and that way you have the best chance of salvaging the marriage.

If there are kids, that is all the more reason why you should seek to remain together under one roof. If one of you moves out, most of the time the kids end up with the mom. You will be out of their life, except for weekly visits or occasional two weeks at your place in the summer. You will be not there for them every day any more. Your influence over what goes on will become nil. But undoubtedly you will be paying alimony and child support.

Remember, all of this is predicated and based on your being a decent good guy. Clean, sober, faithful, working, honest, kind, and honorable.

So if you--with all your heart--want to work things out, be there for the kids and avoid divorce, then don't be the one to leave.

Do what you can to make your home happy.  You should be able to be calm and not argue. If you, for some reason, you don't have a job, get one right away even if it is not perfect. Dress nicely, act politely, take out the garbage, make repairs around the home, help the kids with their homework. Cook dinner sometimes, care for the kids, and don't say anything mean about her family or friends. This is strategy, but it has to be sincere, for a long term benefit to all--to really and truly work things out and one day celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary with loving kids and grand kids attending. Okay?

So if there was ever a time for you to give it your best, now is the time. Giving it your all in a basketball game is useless. Give it your all for the sake of your wife and kids. Giving it your all, demonstrating virtue, forbearance, long suffering, grace under fire, honor, gentleness, courage, and a steady hand will be for a good cause--to save you marriage and to be there for your kids. Get your ego out of the way and do your duty. Please, no begging or emotional displays. Exercise self control and discipline.

You are a man, no longer a child. If you wife is confused, then you must be calm, reasonable, and wise. If your wife is unhappy or upset, that is all the more reason for you to stay by her side. 

Remember, just because she says something does not mean that she really means it in her heart of hearts. And even if she does mean it, it might be better to be strategically hard of hearing and just go about your business. She might change her mind.


But if the other side is determined to move out or divorce, let them be the first to make the fateful move. You will then know that you did not initiate it and won't have that hanging around your neck as the years go by.

If the other person does not want to divorce, but just needs some space, because you are both irritating each other and arguing a lot and making things worse, then maybe a separation is not a bad idea. You can have some space and maybe at the same time go to counseling together. You can have some space and see each other for a date, and hopefully rekindle your love.

But just remember, the statistics speak for themselves. Separation usually leads to divorce.  Separate bedrooms is much better than separation.

Are there any cooler heads that might prevail--like a pastor's wife, or a wise aunt or uncle, someone in her family who is not against you and who sees the wisdom of staying together and patching things up? If there is someone like that, then get your ego out of the way and ask for help. Remember--you are seeking to do the right thing for all.  With reason, calmness and wisdom, you are seeing to weather the storm.


Now a special word for men:

I cannot advise about any legal issues. Also, every circumstance is different, but I can speak in generalities. For spiritual, emotional, and strategic reasons it is not good for the husband to leave first.

Why is it generally not good for the husband to leave first?

In the mind of the wife, he made the first move and left her. She may have teased him and tempted him to leave first (secretly in her heart of hearts she may have hoped he would not leave her), but, after all, he did not have to leave. But he did. She may have even asked him to leave, but people say a lot of things when they are angry. Sometimes they are later sorry it was said--but if you threw some items in your suitcase or duffel bag and slammed the door leaving her and the kids behind--you made a big strategic mistake.

When the man leaves, it means that he walked out. Worse yet, in the eyes of the children, it means that father left them. Roberto Duran, though one of the greatest boxers in history, will never live down being a quitter when he said "no mas" in his fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. A dad who leaves has made a bad move. His family will never forget that he moved out on them.

The wife has the advantage now in every respect. She did not leave him. He moved out on her and left the kids.

You see, husband (and father) has a very special role. He holds a station in life. He holds the office of husband and if there are kids, the office of father.

In the eyes of children, father stands in for God. Can you see why it is so devastating when a father fails?

Husband and father is supposed to be like the George Washington or Moses of the family. He stands for what is right. He cannot have any vices. He must be principled, honorable, wise, patient, long suffering, and kind.
.
He has to be as steady as the ticking of a grandfather clock in a thunderstorm. If others fail him, he does not fail them. If others become upset, he remains calm and reasonable.

In my book Putting the Forever Back in Love, I have a chapter entitled Coach Roland Talks to Dads. I advise husbands and dads to stay the course. If the wife creates an emotional scene, asks him to leave, threatens divorce and so on - he should just sit in the living room, if need be, and watch television. Let the storm pass. Don't go even go to the gym. Just sit there and let the storm pass. When it does, everyone will be glad that you were steady, calm, and did not over-react. 

Most dads are a little weak. They say the right things, but say them too weakly. He must not be there to win a popularity contest. He has to stand for what is right and persist even in the face of rebellion. But he must not be angry. He must always have a twinkle in his eye.

Many men clam up, but are angry and resentful underneath. When they do finally speak up, their message is tainted and ruined by the pent up anger. Feeling guilty, he may clam up again or sit on the sidelines while the family goes to ruin.

.A man simply can't avoid his duty without harming the family. That is why he must learn to stand for what is right with patience and firmness and kindness.

He has to be there for his wife and children. They need a very special love from him: emotionless agape love. A man cannot have this love if he is selfish or unprincipled. Nor can he have this love for them if he is a womanizer or tries to make his wife into his mother. He must not look for ego support from the world. He must look within and find a bond with what he knows in his heart.

He will then not need love. He will give love. He must love principle more than anything, even his wife.
.
But if you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is the man she can trust. She knows he will always be there for her and she knows he will never be unfaithful (because he does not need the love of a woman, a drug, or some worldly support). This is the man she can respect and perhaps even love.

Now, gentlemen, most wives are aware of their husband's weaknesses before they get married, but she hopes that he will become the noble knight she needs. And once within the confines of marriage, the nobly inclined man will become aware of his failing her in some mysterious way.
.He will search his heart and out of true love for her and the children, he will see what they need from him. He will learn to be less selfish, and eventually one day, unselfish. He will begin to fail less, and one day not fail at all.

She will see his nobility, his heart felt efforts, and his love of principle. With this man, there is hope.

Of course, there are some women who will not take kindly to his new inner authority, and she will most likely resent him even when he is right. If she is a permanent hater, then she will make his life as miserable as possible. If he remains noble, she will probably go off to find someone else. If this happens, so be it.

But you cannot know what is in your wife's heart until you straighten up and fly right. Only then might your noble love draw forth the good in her.
.Many women have been so used and unloved that they cannot imagine or believe that a man can be noble. She may test him and give him a hard time for years (or decades). If he is tested and not found wanting, he will win her heart. They will become very good friends and live happily ever after.

As I said, most men are weak (or weak and violent). Their weakness literally tempts the wife and kids to rebel. So if you have been weak or selfish, before looking at other's wrong, first look at your own. See your part in what has gone wrong and repent of it.

Many wives had a father who was not there for her. She resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What she got was use and abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Since all men failed her, she expects that her husband will too (though a good woman will hope her husband won't fail her).

Perhaps you can see why the man needs to have the wisdom of Solomon and perfect self control. All men have failed, but that is not an excuse for more failing. You must find the way to fail less.
.
I cannot say what to do in any particular circumstance. There are just too many particular situations. But I can speak in general terms.
.Generally divorce is not a good thing. Sometimes a separation may be of some help, so that both sides can find themselves and get their bearings, but maybe not.
.Please note that my comments are directed to the typical situation where both are good people, not perfect of course, but decent. If your spouse is extremely disturbed, violent or criminal, you will need to protect the children and get professional help and assistance from the authorities.
.
If there is a divorce, it is best not to begin the process yourself. If your wife divorces you, you will then not be guilty for having begun it.

If you have only been married for a short time, things might be worked out, but if there is not true marriage, then going your separate ways may be best.

But when there are children, everything changes. Now the man is both husband and father.

I recently heard a man tell about his father who he loved deeply. His mom was not a nice lady and she made a lot of trouble. He stayed there for the children and was a good father to them. He suffered for decades, but never hated his wife and never complained. The children loved him dearly.

You see, the children were aware of his suffering. They saw his sacrifice and nobility. And they loved him all the more. It didn't matter what mom did. Father was there for them.

But if he had walked out on her and them, what would be foremost in their minds would not be what mom did, but what he did. He would have quit on them. Thank God he did not.
.
Dear Sir,
I know that marriage can be a severe test. But just as there can be no courage without danger, so likewise there can be no character without a test of that character. A final word. Sometimes we do the right thing by simply not doing the wrong thing. Someone can tempt you to do something wrong or foolish. Just don't do it and you are safe. Always do what you know is right in your heart.

I've always told men--if you have an argument with your wife--whatever you do, don't walk out. Walking out means something to a woman. Just go sit in the living room and watch television or read a book. Let the storm blow over.




"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 

Get a free eBook and help Roland--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 







 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

Does divorce typically make adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage? Many Americans assume so. "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" represents the first serious effort to investigate this assumption empirically. The finding? Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Here are links to the executive summary of the study at The Institute for American Values. It is short and easy to read and I encourage every person who is considering divorce to read it.

You can read it online or read the pdf.

For review purposes and to show you how interesting and important the study is, here are just a couple of the findings

 

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.[2]
• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later. 

Please take time to read the whole report. Thank you so much Institute for Family Values



After you read the report and thank The Institute for American Values,  please check out my relationship books.


 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com

Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95


Now available in Kindle!

 Check out the free mobile app for  special savings for mobile app users 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback 

Click here to preview in Kindle!

 

Got a budget? For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.  
 




I heard a radio program this morning about the graying of divorce and reference was made to a Wall Street Journal article entitled The Gray Divorcée. So of course, as soon as I arrived at Starbucks to do my morning work I looked it up.

 Here it is the Wall Street Journal article about the graying of divorce.

The information in the article is not surprising to me, since I've been in the helping couples line of work for 25 years. Nevertheless, it is eye opening. I recommend you check it out.

Basically the article states that it used to be that only 1 in 10 divorces was someone over 50 years of age. Just before the article was written the rate had skyrocketed to 1 in 4 divorcing people is over 50. In most of the cases, (men, take note) it is the woman who files for divorce.


Here is something I found interesting in the well written WSJ article about predictors for a late life break up:  According to John Mordecai Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle and author of "What Predicts Divorce?," the behavioral precursors to late-life or empty nest divorce are no different from those for younger couples—criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling."

Now that I think about it, I can see that when my mom and step dad began to have obvious issues in their marriage, the thing that I observed most clearly as an 18 to 22 year old was the contempt. I remember my mom criticizing everything that he did for years, though often behind his back. Meanwhile he scratched his head and could not figure out what was wrong.

Eventually the resentment built up until it came out as open unabashed utter contempt and resentful dirty looks and snickering at each other, even at the dinner table.

She was determined to turn everyone against him and then destroy what they had together. She almost succeeded in turning the kids against him, and she succeeded in destroying what they had. She lived out the rest of her life in poverty.    


The radio program where I had learned about the graying of divorce phenomenon was also informative. It was a Focus on the Family interview with a Ted Cunningham, author of Great Parents, Lousy Lovers. It aired on February 24, 2014. The author who was being interviewed talked about children centered marriages and how when the kids have left home, the empty nesters, for reasons I'm sure you can guess (and it's usually not infidelity), such marriages will think of breaking up.

What is mentioned in the radio program and which I agree with and have been warning people about in some of my other articles and posts is this: The empty nesters who decide to divorce rationalize that "since the kids are grown up it won't affect them." But they are wrong. Their divorce hurts the kids.

The sound byte version of why it hurts the kids is because their divorce is a broken promise. The parents have done their best to put up a good front and to act like their marriage is who they are and that commitment is what life is about. Now their infidelity to those values is like a broken promise, a lie, a betrayal.

Two books by adult kids of parents who divorced, even when they the kids were already grown up, and about how they feel about their parents divorce and how it has affected them are

The Way They Were: Dealing with your Parents' Divorce after a Lifetime of Marriage and

Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and Dealing with our Pain

But it goes far deeper than that. Marriage is more than you think. It is not about getting our needs met, nor is it just some sort of arrangement. It is sacred. It is a framework within which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.

But just as Rome was not built in a day, a marriage is not ruined in a day. The hurt feelings, undercurrents of resentment, and bitterness have been coming for a long time.

Can the marriage be salvaged? I cannot say. But one thing I can say, is that your emotional and spiritual health can be salvaged. It does not really matter what the other does--whether that person changes or not, whether they appreciate you or not, whether communication improves or not.

If you remain resentful, it will undermine your well being. The emotion of resentment creates an inner atmosphere which you take with you everywhere. Even if the world were suddenly to become perfect, then you would still resent others for their joy, their superiority to you, the fact that they did not worship you or some other reason.

Here are some principles to reestablish a calm happy spirit

1. Let go of resentment and judgment. I cannot tell you here all the reasons why resentment is bad for you, I have 17 books on the subject.

2. Check out my meditations. They are designed to help people calm down, cope with stress, and get in touch with their own calm center of dignity. There you will find intuition, and when you follow what you know in your heart is right, it will help you sort through things and find your way.  
    The meditations don't work for everyone, but for some, they are a God sent.

3. Don't try to change others.

4. You must realize that you are surrounded by wall to wall temptation. There is a lot of error and deceit out there. You must learn how to get in touch with your intuition and follow it. Remember it is your little corner of the world, your home, your life, your health. Some so called expert who eggs you on to divorce will not be hurt in the slightest or even care if you follow her advise, throw away what you have spend years building and ruin your life.

5. Don't be in a hurry. First get centered. Take some time to get to know yourself and learn to overcome stress. If you are resentful, you are being conquered by stress. Don't let this happen. You have seen what not dealing with stress properly has done to others. Remember what I said - your first line of defense is to not become resentful. 

  



 

Here's my 1 minute sound byte about The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and my special offer of a free eBook as a token of my appreciation for a donation of any amount.



Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your iPhone, computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. A great introduction and good for marrieds, singles, and people in long term and short term relationships. When issues arise, this book explains the why.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Sooooooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation of any amount at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!

As soon as Paypal notifies me of your donation, I'll send an email asking you which book you would like. Then I send the eBook as a pdf attachment to an email so you can start reading right away.

Click here to preview and choose a book.  




Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better? What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. 

Then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from my 25 years of experience. Plus the books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help keep this blog going, you are actually paying forward to help others. I frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 

Hello, everyone. My good friend Mr. Bear and I made a little video to tell you about my Kindle edition of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

Actually it was Mr. Bear's idea. I was telling him about the great Kindle edition. But then I told him there is only one review there  : (     

My Kindle edition and my print edition are not linked together, and then Mr. Bear said "Roland, you need some help. Let me take over."

Basically, based on Mr. Bear's recommendation, the price has been reduced to $3.95 for the Kindle edition. And you don't even need a Kindle to read it online in the Kindle cloud. Today a lady got the book and started reading it within seconds.

The lower price is for a limited time only. Please take advantage of an opportunity to purchase this special book.



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 

Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?

Can we reconcile?



Based on over 25 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 



Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 25 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Click here to look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com







Oh dear, the temporary sale has ended, but it is still excellent value at $7.95   Mr. Bear and I will discuss, and maybe we will have a sale again soon.  You can always get the pdf. for a donation of any amount.  


.

Courtesy of http://3d-gif-animations.blogspot.com/

You can text a question or ask a  question at Liveperson.

If he is online, you can start live chatting right now. 


 He started his radio show in San Francisco  25 years ago. Every since, he has volunteered his time and effort to help people.


Got a question about a relationship? Dating and courtship? Marriage? Improving communication and healing a relationship? 

You  have probably already guessed that this is by far Roland's most popular  blog!

People come from all over the world who are having relationship  and marriage issues. At his blog you will find (in the right sidebar)  links to his most popular articles and posts.



You can also preview free and order his popular book The Myths and  Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work.



Now Roland also has free chat for your quick customer service questions.  

Not ready for counseling? Just got a question?
Wondering about something?

Just look in the right sidebar. If I am here, I'll live chat with your right away! If I'm helping someone else or away, then you can send an email. Free too

Name me another author of 17 books who makes himself available to personally answer your questions. 





Are you looking for ultra confidential counseling online?

Liveperson does not reveal your name, phone, or email address to its experts.




Hello, this is Roland. I give fast, intuitive answers with positive solutions! I'm sure I have some valuable information that will assist you with any relationship issue you are dealing with. 

I will listen to you talk (because I know what it feels like when people don't really listen). I look forward to hearing from you. Get some answers today from the convenience of your home or office. 

I keep my fee low and can answer questions very quickly. Here are just a few of the issues I have helped people sort out, cope with, and find happy solutions for:







Please be advised that online counseling is not appropriate for all issues. Nor is it a substitute for face to face counseling with your mental health professional or spiritual care giver. 

Online counseling is not for you if you are under 18, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, if this is an emergency, if you are having psychotic symptoms, if you are presently under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or if there is domestic violence or abuse. Before contacting us, read this important information first about getting immediate help.

If you or someone in your family are experiencing bullying, child abuse, or domestic violence or abuse, you should seek help immediately from your local social service agency, mental health professionals, law enforcement, or child protective services. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help right away. Internet and phone use can be monitored. Be careful. If need be go to a safe phone or safe internet connection to get professional help immediately.


  If you are experiencing an emergency, please call your local or national mental health crisis hotline, your medical doctor or 911 to receive immediate attention. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, get help immediately. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. You may call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  to be connected to the nearest crisis hotline.
  If you are outside the United States look here to find the nearest help. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help immediately.