“You can’t just hope for happy endings. You have to believe in them. Then do all the work, take the risks.”
Nora Roberts

One of the saddest things I know is when two people desperately love each other and yet, can’t make it work, for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s beliefs that get in the way, others, it’s past experiences and at times it is not knowing what to do and how to do it. We often believe that relationships should be easy, that we should just be able to have a decent one because we are in love. Not always the case, in fact usually not.

Most of the things that make relationships work are, as I’ve stated before in this forum, learned behaviors. Some of it is that we need to learn about each other and how we tick. What makes us happy, sad, and angry and how do we do each of those? How does our partner feel loved, express love and the same for ourselves?

Another thing we need to learn is to deal with ourselves in the relationship. We need to ask ourselves what are we bringing to the party. In what ways are our actions, words and silences contributing to the success or failure of the relationship? As couples, are we dealing with the issues when they are just little? Do we deal with the hurts, pains and injuries immediately before they start to get infected and fester into anger, frustration and resentment? This all starts with me, the individual. I need to learn how to control and manage my anger, my frustration, my hurt and my resentment. This is what is meant by what we bring to the party.

I have seen couples where it is very evident that there is a tremendous amount of love for each other, yet they are talking about divorce, separation, about walking away and never seeing each other again. Why? In looking at most scenarios, it is the past, the history of the relationship. The hurts, betrayals, the anger, the inappropriate behaviors, the lies and mistruths and the not talking to each other or about certain things that are causing the issues. Every couple gets into times when things aren’t good, where the relationship takes second seat to other things and for some nothing is done to repair the damage.
Let’s review the order of things in a relationship. First, respect for each other leads to trusting each other. Trust leads to creating a deep and lasting intimacy, which is the keystone of love. So, respect, trust, intimacy and love; all need to exist in the relationship in order for it to remain fresh and vibrant and strong. It is the unresolved issues that begin to wear on these things.

It has been my experience that these types of issues left unchecked can destroy the relationship because they push at our own insecurities. So what happens over time is we begin to treat each other differently. We lose respect because we treat each other badly, unfairly or unlovingly. We begin to not talk to each other, not tell the truth, keep secrets and this is a recipe for breaking trust. Then, because we don’t trust each other the little intimacies become impossible and we lose that as well.
So there is love, very much so, but we have ripped the respect, trust, and intimacy out of the relationship. Love is strong and powerful but it can’t sustain a relationship by itself for very long. It is like trying to plug a leaky dam with your fingers, in time you run out of fingers and toes and the dam bursts.

Do you believe in happily ever after? Do you have a fairy tale love and all that it creates? Do you want to love each other forever and ever in that dream relationship? It is not impossible to have that type of relationship; first you need to believe it is possible, next you need to learn what is needed and how to do those things and lastly, you need to do it. Not caring whether your partner is doing their part or not, you do it because you love your partner and want this to work.
You need to ask yourself why you love your partner. Oh, there will be all the “normal” reasons: good looks, sexy, attractive, caring, hard working and on and on. But if you really truthful you will say you know you love your partner because of the way you feel when you are with them and how you feel when you think about them and how much you miss them when you are not together. That is the fairy tale love.

So take care of your relationship. Nurture it, feed it, pamper it, maintain and repair it; deal with what needs dealing with and do it immediately. Always be respectful and trustworthy so as to create and maintain intimacy which creates, nurtures, grows, builds strong, long lasting, love and loving relationships. Believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters and work like hell to achieve them.

“What is opportunity to the man who can’t use it?”  George Elliot

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging

How many times have you promised yourself that you would never do that again, only to find yourself doing it a short while later? Why is change so illusive and what can we do about it?

It may be helpful to recognize that the intent behind this type of behavior is actually to protect rather than to sabotage. There is a positive intent behind self-sabotaging behavior. Rarely is there a conscious intention to ruin things. People are often left wondering, “Why did I do (or say) that?”


Our stress response takes over, whether the expected threat is physical or emotional harm. False beliefs like, “I can’t handle stress,” “I’m not good enough,” or “nothing lasts” may be triggered and before we know it we are engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.

Overcoming this negative reaction, starts with an awareness of the self-talk and beliefs that are contributing to the self-sabotage. Step back and become the observer in your own life. What are the things that you are saying to yourself? Tease out the beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

Below are some strategies for reducing self-sabotage:

• Swap out your inner critic for an inner coach. Change your inner dialogue to one of recognition and gratitude for your strengths, offer yourself encouragement rather than judgment.
• Get a clear picture of what you do want. Create a vision board or a mind movie or simply visualize yourself behaving the way you want to behave.
• Give yourself the gift of self-acceptance and appreciation. Focus on gratitude.
• Recognize that you chose the false beliefs and you have the power to change them to self-empowering beliefs.
• Decide to bring your sense of self inside of you. Recognize that your worth is infinite and can be neither destroyed nor created by your failures or accomplishments.
• Accept that mistakes are opportunities to learn, remember there is no failure, only feedback.
• Be true to yourself. Refuse to give up who you are, in order to please someone else.

Step back, take a deep breath and focus on the bigger picture. Make decisions from the best in you. Be extremely cautious of fear-based decisions or impulses. These usually mean that your defenses have been triggered and self-sabotaging will often follow close behind.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., M.T.C., C.P.C.
Registered Therapeutic Counsellor; Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine