This is a post in the series that began with "my marriage is over."  When you look around the Internet you will see that there are a few reoccurring reasons given for someone saying "my marriage is over."

One of the frequent reasons given is "there is no intimacy in my marriage or relationship"

This, of course means, most likely, "we're not having "s  .  .e..  .  x."

I devote a couple of chapters in my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage to the topic of sex in marriage.

The shocking truth is that sex is not as important as it is made out to be by the the media, the popular magazines, the television series and the soap operas, the manufacturers of potions for e.d. and anyone who makes a living off of our sexual insecurities.

I talk about this topic more in my book, The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage, but here I will just say that the purpose of marriage is to raise a family, and to learn to be unselfish. During the first few years of a relationship, sex is fun and God made it pleasurable for a reason.

But as the years go by, other things take priority in life--devoting oneself to the children, making a living, finding one's purpose in live and living it.  Then one day the kids are all grown up and soon mom and dad are middle age or even early retirement. Grand kids come along. Now you are a grandma or grandpa.

Pardon me, but I somehow think of grandma and grandpa as being dignified.There comes a time to begin to graciously lay down the things of youth.

A man should become more fatherly. He becomes wise and noble. Less of an animal.

Holding hands, looking at the sunset, talking about things and sharing family moments can be very sweet and satisfying. Just lying side by side can be cozy and loving.

If there is a little marriage moment from time to time, that's nice. But it should not become a big deal.There are many so called sexless marriages where both partners live busy, productive and satisfying lives. 

When someone is not happy, most of the time it is not because of a lack of sex, it is because they are resentful.

There is also quiet joy in sacrifice, honor, fidelity and service.

And don't let some 24 year old with a master's degree and who knows nothing about life tell you how someone should live the latter decades of their marriage. You tell her instead!

Marriage is not about getting our needs met. It is a framework within which to work out the ancient issues that began in the Garden of Eden, and which each new couple will also encounter.

I appreciate these words from Mark Twain:


Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
   


It is not good if one partner is withholding marital relations resentfully. But if it just diminishes over the years, don't worry about it. It's actually a blessing not to have sex on one's mind all the time. How many kids were pressured to perform, and their joy was robbed from them and their piano playing was ruined by performance anxiety. Now the pressure mongers and the meddlers are ruining the bedroom with their performance mantra.

I love the anecdote about the men who were talking, and one said "I sure got in trouble last night, when I came home from playing cards at 3 AM, my wife woke up and gave me hell."  

The other man said: "I come home late and it's never a problem.  Here's what I do. When I come home at 3 AM,  I stomp loudly up the stairs, fling open the bedroom door and say with a loud voice: 'Darling, give me a great big kiss.' She pretends that she is asleep."

Healing Power In Acceptance

On the list of simple strategies to overcome conflict and heal a troubled relationship, acceptance is near the top. Acceptance has almost magical properties to help both the giver and the receiver feel peaceful. It means a stop to fighting and resisting. Acceptance is an active, positive step. It is not about giving up or giving in; it is about appreciation, respect and love. There is a healing power in acceptance.

It is important to be open and honest about your feelings and experience in your relationship. We can agree that suppressing negative feelings can lead to a build up of resentment that eventually explodes all over your partner and damages your relationship. At the same time giving voice to every negative thought and feeling can be equally damaging, slowly eroding the foundation of your relationship.


How do you know when to speak up and when to keep it to yourself?

Ask yourself: Is this complaint based on principle or preference? We all have “rules” for our partners. Many of these rules are based in preference rather than principle. Principles include things like always speaking respectfully, being loyal and faithful and being open and honest. Preferences are more about the way you like or want things to be. If your preferences are different from your partner, then acceptance and respect is the best approach. If your complaint is based on principle, then it is important to stand your ground.

Ask yourself: Is this something I am willing and able to let go, or will I be hanging onto resentment because of this? Having a sense of humor, good will and empathy can help you to accept your partner as they are. This allows you to keep refocusing on what you like and appreciate about your partner and what is great about your relationship. If you cannot let it go, then it is time to respectfully speak up.

Ask yourself: Is this worth fighting about? The concept of picking your battles is a valuable one. When we can learn to release complaints that really are not worth fighting about, we can enjoy greater peace in our relationship.

Each person longs to feel accepted and appreciated. You may have fallen into the unfortunate habit of rejecting your partner or too frequently giving them the message that they do not measure up. Try, as an experiment to begin to offer them acceptance instead. Watch what begins to happen. When you offer acceptance to each other, you can start to heal and invigorate your relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., M.T.C., C.P.C.
Registered Therapeutic Counsellor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

 Want to listen to Roland?


"Hi, this is Roland. There are so many cool ways to catch my radio program

 My favorite is Blogtalk Radio

You can download my program, embed it, email it, put it on Facebook, listen on iTunes, and much more.

Plus you get a description of the program and even a slide show.

Here I've embedded a recent program
as an example of how you can embed it

Preview and download my new book


Eating Issues - A spiritual odyssey in search of health,wholeness, fulfillment and love

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”

― Erma Bombeck

 “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

Hippocrates said: "Let your food be your medicine."

"This much I know," said Augustine, "I should take my food as my medicine."

 “I am a better person when I have less on my plate.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

"There is a mystery to food and to eating, and there is a reason why we all have food issues."  Dr. Roland Trujillo

Find out more in my new book. Here is a sneak preview.


Food Issues: a Spiritual Odyssey

Food disorders, addiction, emotional problems, and even sickness may have a common root. This book reveals why the whole human race has food issues, and why how we eat holds the key to our spiritual and emotional recovery. 

Most people have issues with food. The reason is deeper than just what or how much we eat.

Food has a mysterious hold on the human race and it alters our consciousness. That is why when we start eating, we end up eating too much. Food is also connected with our ego life support.
We look to food to comfort us and to give us security. But the very food that comforts us also makes us resentful when we discover that it has enslaved us.

So we have a love/hate relationship with food, and food substances,
even as we have a love hate relationship with our mother and others who support our ego.
The answer, of course, is love. We crave a love that food will not satisfy.

There, have I whetted your appetite? Read more.

Preview the book now at Amazon.com

You can also send me a donation of any amount, 
and I will send you a pdf of the eBook by email.


Preview and download my new book


Eating Issues - A spiritual odyssey in search of health,wholeness, fulfillment and love

Roland, which of your relationships books should I read first?

A. Thank you for your great question.

Many people are searching the Internet and find my Healing Relationships website. They read one of my blog posts, and it has the ring of truth to it. So they read some more posts, perhaps listen to me on Blogtalk radio and look inside a book or two.

They want to work on their relationship and also want some in depth answers to relationship issues and so they decide to get one of my books and start reading.

Here is a little guideline

If this is the first book of mine you are about to read and you want to understand the basics, then  I recommend you start with The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

If you are purchasing two books - one for yourself and one for your partner - try starting with The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage

If you are purchasing a book for someone else - who you think would benefit from reading it, like maybe your grown son or daughter, or perhaps a friend or relative, I think I would start with The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. 

If you have been married for 10 years of more and serious issues and feelings have arisen, then you might start with Putting the Forever Back in Love.

Couples who have been married for 10 or 20 years are more likely to be having thoughts like "we don't have anything in common" or we stayed together for the kids and now they are off to college, so should we get divorced?"  or  "I'm unhappy and bitter about what he or she did and I can't forgive him."  I address these sorts of questions directly in Putting the Forever Back in Love. 

Of course you could also go ahead and get both The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage and also Putting the Forever Back in Love. They are both good reads and also good resources. (if you get one of my books, read it and would like the other book but can't afford it, send me an email and I will send you a pdf of the book for free.

If you have kids and have parenting issues,  Putting the Forever Back in Love has some of my best parenting articles in it.

While on the subject of parenting, if you are having some real issues with your kids, and you've tried everything, why not try a little magic! I wrote a magical little book called Santa's Take on Parenting- Secrets from the North Pole. I don't talk about it much but probably should. Let Santa and Mrs. Claus mentor you on parenting. It's available in paperback and Kindle at Amazon.com  and also in Barnes and Noble Nookbook.

If you want to give a book to someone - like The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - and you suspect that this person might not read it right away, then get them the paperback version. That way, it can sit on the shelf, and one day, they might see it and pick it up and start reading.

Many of you want to know about talking to me. I prefer that you listen to me on the free audio and read some of my blog posts and articles first. Then get one or two of my books.  Then, if you have a question or want some feedback, our time will be more productive. Contact me at my Liveperson virtual office. I'm available for livechat about 4 hours a day. It's nice to know that I'm around if you need me. So enjoy my writing and audio, and know that I've been around for 25 years.








Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book. If you just read one book on relationships, this is the one for you. If you are engaged and considering marriage, this is the one. If you are in a long term or short term relationship, and you are having some issues, get this book right away.




Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies.

 If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small one like $2 or $5 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!



Hello, my name is Roland. I've been on the radio for almost 25 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get.

I know about the high cost of divorce. it happened to my mom and step dad. Before the divorce she was doing well financially. After the divorce she lived out her life in relative poverty. But even worse, I know about the psychological costs, the health costs, the emotional costs and the spiritual costs. I know how divorce affects the kids.

A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am a bit old fashioned, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book just as much as couples who are formally married. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read, a page turner--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.



Your friend, Roland


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 

Now available in Kindle!

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview in the Kindle edition

Now in Kindle too!

 
Get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!  

Hello. My name is Roland and I've hosted a radio advice program for almost 25 years and I passed the million listener mark long ago. I'm the author of 16 books. My wife and I have been married 29 years.

Someone said that my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is like an advanced relationship seminar in a box.

Nobody cares more about repairing relationships than I do. A reconciliation between a parent and child or between a husband and wife still brings tears of joy to my eyes. There are many ways in which marriages fall into disrepair, but the main factors are resentment and a lack of understanding of what marriage is all about.

I will tell you right now that I'm especially helpful with two very important issues. One, resentment. Resentment is the biggest contributor to marriage break ups that exists. The problem with resentment is the way it affects you physical, emotional and spiritual well being. Resentment can give you a headache or worse.

Maybe a marriage can be repaired and maybe not. But for sure, letting go of resentment will at least help you preserve your well being. I can help. And maybe, just maybe, your relationship can be salvaged.

The second area that I can help with is understanding the deeper dynamics of the man/woman relationship. A deeper look into relationship dynamics will explain a lot to you, and help you have patience and not feel so responsible for everything that goes wrong.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion.

Soon resentment is added to the equation. And this is the recipe for disaster. Begin with resentment. Then add some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness.

First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements. Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.

Friends may be nice but (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend who tells you the truth), friends are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example. Besides, your friends are most likely having issues similar to yours.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone older and wiser who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.

(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your health and safety and the safety of the children are of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).

But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent.
This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people.

That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be the best outcome.

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.
But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

I haven't even mentioned the effects on the kids.


More than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable your partner is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. 

Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices. 


Read "My Marriage is Over" the most common reason why people say this, and why I would like you to perhaps reconsider.






"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.



 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 17 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

 Is it really?

Sometimes it really is, like when the other side files for divorce or is a drug addict.
Or when you have to get help from the authorities because your partner is abusive or violent. Or when your partner brings home a venereal disease from who knows where.

When a partner is a serial cheater it should be over.

Or when one side desperately wants children and the other side adamantly refuses -  it may be over.

But all too often, this statement is an emotional one, based in resentment, after a last straw.

I read over at the Huffington Post where one lady's husband did not want to celebrate New Year's eve and sat on the couch and watched basketball instead. She went upstairs and watched a romantic movie where the young actor and actress were kissing passionately. She wanted passion, and so she called it quits.

Another lady read the shades of gray book and then asked her husband to do something in the book. When he refused, she wanted out.

Years ago a young guy watched a movie called  Come Blow Your Horn (with Frank Sinatra) about some swinging guy, and then a movie called Boeing, Boeing (with Tony Curtis and Jerry Lewis) about a swinger who was dating stewardesses.  Years later he decided his marriage was over so that he could go enjoy the swinging life style he could not forget from the moves he watched in his impressionable youth.

Like I said, if your partner is a really awful person and doing terrible things, then it may be best if it is over. But if your partner is a decent person, not perfect, but decent--then beware of voices in your head whispering negative or grandiose statements.

I have to be here as a voice of reason and at least help insure that you do not do something dumb. Bear in mind that divorce often means financial ruin. I have also seen it mean emotional ruin, harm the kids, and health ruin too.

Kids don't like divorce. If you have kids, read Between Two Worlds - the emotional life of children of divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt. Read the Unexpected legacy of Divorce - a 25 year landmark study by Judith Wallerstein.

I have zero tolerance for violence or abuse, and I have zero tolerance for drug use. I always encourage the parent to put her safety and her children's safety first and foremost. You need to get professional help and help from the authorities to protect yourself and your children from a violent or criminal spouse.

 But I am addressing this article to the average man or lady whose partner is decent.  There is no violence and no drug use--just a series of little things that become irritants or a lack of communication and feelings of having nothing in common. Most marriages are not violent. And most unhappy marriages do not have violence. So I am writing to the majority of people who are temporarily unhappy and thinking of divorce, but are not in an abusive or violent relationship.

I would prefer for you to hold off on a decision that your marriage is over, either a spoken decision or an interior feeling decision--if it is because of some of the following.

These are typical reasons for the statement "my marriage is over" that you will find all over the Internet. Don't get me wrong--these are real issues (and I venture to say that there are few married couples, who have been married more than a few years, who have not felt most or all of these probably hundreds of times over the years).

I'm just saying don't be too quick to throw in the towel. And don't verbalize "our marriage is over"  to your partner (unless the judge had just signed the divorce decree--and even then there is such a thing as reconciliation).

So here are some of the very typical reasons that make a partner think the marriage is over

1. We live in separate worlds.

2. There is no intimacy (sex)   

3.  We have nothing in common.

4. Every time we talk, it turns into an argument

5. There is no more passion.

6. My partner refuses to try.

I will address these issues in subsequent blog posts.

Here is the next in the series "We Live in Different Worlds"

Another in the series: "There is no intimacy in my relationship."

In this post, I address the issue of "all we do is argue"

Does Divorce Affect the Children?

I Hate My Husband - Thoughts from a Marriage Coach
Comments on the excellent Huffington Post article by Iris Krasnow  about women who have moments when they hate their husband but somehow successfully stay marriaged anyway, excerpts from Katherine Anne Porter, and results of the report by the National Marriage project

Look in the right sidebar for popular posts others have enjoyed and derived benefit from.

Take the free compatibility quiz

And of course preview my books free. I have chapters on arguing, "we have nothing in common, my husband does not listen, my wife is confusing, our in laws are driving me crazy" and much more.

 




 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com




Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com

Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95


Now available in Kindle!

 Check out the free mobile app for  special savings for mobile app users 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback

 

Click here to view in Kindle

Got a budget?  

For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.