Balancing Needs In Relationships

To create a healthy lasting relationship it is important to find a balance between meeting your partner's needs and meeting your own, between giving and receiving or selflessness and generosity; and assertiveness and self-care.

Generosity is an important part of intimate relationships. Generosity shows that we are willing to make what is important to our partner, important to us, for the simple reason that our partner is important to us. Generosity may look like choosing to cheerfully attend the staff party, family function or school reunion with your partner. Generosity may involve giving up something that you want to do, to be with your partner when they really need your help or for something that means a lot to them. Selflessness shows up in many tiny acts, like thinking about your partner before eating that last piece of cake, choosing to watch their favorite show with them or noticing when they need something and offering before they ask. Selflessness involves seeing your partner's need as being just as important as your own. It means sometimes being willing to put your needs on the back burner.

Selflessness and generosity help increase your loving feelings for your partner and help them feel loved; however, if your relationship is only build on your selflessness and your generosity, there is a great possibility that you are going to burn out. Too often when someone has spent years trying hard to care for and give to everyone, they start to feel resentful if their efforts are not being reciprocated. Then pendulum can then swing from generosity to obnoxiousness, when they finally find that they have nothing left to give. Assertiveness and self-care can help protect your relationship from this development.

Assertiveness allows you to stand up for yourself. It allows you to express your needs in a respectful way. It is not only okay, but valuable to express your needs and wants and far preferable to allowing resentments to build. If assertiveness is new for you, you may find that at first your partner is puzzled and encourages you to change back. You need to persist. You may have to learn to tolerate your partner being upset with you and give them an opportunity to self sooth. You have a responsibility to recognize that you are important and be willing to stand up for yourself. Recognizing that your needs are important helps you see the need for self-care. You have just as much responsibility to be good to yourself as you do to anyone else. Healthy self-care and assertiveness can make it possible for you to go on being generous for a life time.

We have to balance our concern for others with our concern and consideration for ourself. Too much of either puts our relationships out of balance. Too much focus on your wants and needs, without the willingness to be selfless or generous can leave your partner feeling empty and depleted and drain your relationship of its vitality. Likewise too much giving and generosity without making your needs known or taking time to rejuvenate, can leave you feeling empty and depleted. Is it possible to love too much? The answer is a resounding NO, but you have to include yourself in the circle of people that you love.

If you tend to be too generous: when you choose to be generous, do so out of a spirit of generosity, not out of a fear of upsetting or disappointing your partner, or out of a sense of obligation. Stop telling yourself that you have to please everybody or that you have to keep your partner happy.

If you tend to be too focused on your own needs: make a conscious effort to be generous to your partner and practice cheerfully generosity to please or help your partner.

Balancing the giving and receiving in your relationship will increase not only the longevity of your relationship, but also increase the joy you find in being together.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Perseverance Pays

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Perseverance Pays

“Where you find no love, put love and you will find love.” John of the Cross.

In all relationships there comes a time of questions. Did I marry the right person? Is this all there is to relationships? Why won’t he or she just listen/change/love me/accept me/or whatever? We all experience doubts, loss of connection and sometimes even lose the feeling of being in love. I believe that this is true of every couple. Part of the reason I believe this is so is the divorce or separation rate in the world.

Fluctuating between 35% and 42%, the proportion of marriages projected to end in divorce has remained relatively stable during the last 20 years. Divorce rates in Canada seem to be declining, but considering the increasing number of couples choosing not to marry, the rate of failed relationships may not actually be changing.

As a counselor I see people asking the question: Is the day of relationships, couples, over? No, it needn’t be for anyone. What I see to be a major issue in the rate of dissolved relationships can be stated in one word: selfishness. Our society has seemingly devolved into a “me first” phenomena. Selfishness in a nutshell is when we cannot see the needs and wants of another being as important as our own.

Yet, I said I believe that all couples go through these times, so why is the divorce rate not higher, not at 98 to 100%? Because it is just a phase, a period of hard times, disconnection, relationship illness, so to speak. Couples may not feel that they are in love with their partner but they still love them. I hear “I love him/her but I’m not in love with him/her. What does that mean? Does it mean an automatic dissolving of the relationship? Just because life has been life, bad things will happen to all, do we throw in the towel? For at least the other half of the 52%, no, the relationship does not or did not end.

They have an understanding of relationship and life dynamics, they believe in themselves. They don’t believe in the “throw away’ mentality that is so prevalent in our society. I have clients who come to me in tears and remorse saying “if I had put the same effort in my first relationship as I am putting in this one I wouldn’t be in this one.” I am a pro-relationship counselor; I tell my clients that until I am told to do otherwise, my job is to help heal the relationship. If there is still a spark you owe it to yourself to work at making it right.

So when do we know when to look for help. I get clients who come when they are at the end of their rope. They come saying that this is the last thing to try before they end it. They sit in the office as far apart as they can get. There is no respect, liking or anything between them. For these clients it is usually done, too much has gone unresolved for too long. It would take a lot of hard work and they are usually too tired.

The trend I have noticed is more couples, usually younger, who come early in the relationship when they have realized things aren’t what they could or should be. This is the best way to look at counseling, we’ve tried and had little or no success and things aren’t changing, we still love each other, like each other and want to get some advice or skills to help us deal with our issues.

The quote at the beginning is very true in couple relationships. When people get hurt or feel ignored or resentful the natural thing to do is withhold their love until such time they feel loved. So, when you aren’t feeling loved, put forth an extra effort at loving your partner and the result is usually a return of loving feelings. This is a reconnection, a bridge, so to speak, between you and the things you desire. A five year old describes a bridge as “a bridge is when the ground falls out under you and you build something to connect the cracks.”

Don’t let the cracks get so big you cannot build bridges. Put aside pride and anxiety. Seek out help and work on rebuilding, reconnecting and accepting each other.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough