Hi, this is Pastor Roland.  I can't always be at my computer for texting chat, but most of the day I am at my cell phone. I carry it with me all the time. So I thought "Why not be available for people to call me and get some feedback or help with their issues?"

I have partnered with Liveperson to be  available by phone confidentially and anonymously. All you have to do is visit my Liveperson virtual office and talk to me by phone.

Use your Skype too!!!

The fee is generally around a dollar a minute (but sometimes I have reduced fee specials).  Because I am experienced, fast and intuitive, I can often give you some really good feedback within just a few minutes. I also direct you to free online resources I have - like a free meditation or  a free ebook.

Think about how much money you save. No lengthy intake. No travel time or gas expenses. No delay. No paperwork to fill out. 

So if you need an answer right away, just give me a call. Of course you must be 18 and no emergencies or crises.

The call is confidential and anonymous. I do not know who you are or your phone number.

So give me a call.

Roland, what is new about this?

Answer: What is new is that I take my son to school, and then spend a few hours reading, writing, going for a walk and meditating.

I read, work on my laptop, and have lunch. I also write (I'm working on two new books--one on relationships and another on cosmology).

So I have plenty of time to talk to people on my cell phone.

I can be anywhere. I can be in the park, in my office or going for a walk. And if you need an answer right away -- I can help.

Men and women are locked into a mysterious love/hate relationship which starts with sex and often deteriorates into violence.  There is plenty of resentment too; and suppressed feelings and repressed anger. Not to mention a heaping serving of guilt.

Note: this is an excerpt from Dr. Roland's forthcoming book The Facts of Life--Finding Happiness and Maybe Improving Your Relationship Too.


Each partner seems to bring out the worst in the other, and each complicates the other's issues, as both become more wrong, and also full of blame. Each senses that the other person is somehow exacerbating their wrong, but fails to see his or her own part in what is going amiss.

In such a relationship, both are wrong--he in his way and she in her way.

The situation might not be so bad if there was sound instruction around--men and women of understanding and wisdom, who understood what was going wrong, and knew how to help the couple navigate their way back to happiness.

Unfortunately there is precious little understanding around. And for this reason, the human race has deteriorated to a low level of abusing and being abused.

Believe it or not, all the horrors of violence and intrigue in the world have their origin in the man woman relationship gone awry.

The home is the spawning ground for all the crime, mental illness, and violence you see in society.
If men learned how to love women properly, instead of using them, we could collectively usher in heaven on earth instead of the hell on earth that you see now.

We need to discover what love is. But, as I said, there is precious little understanding around. Few are they who have both the courage and thew wisdom to tell the truth--which might awaken the people and rescue them from their current suffering.

Mostly the advice from the sex experts, psychologists, counselors, and marriage therapists revolves around the misguided notions that sex is love and that marriage is for the purpose of getting our needs met.

We all know, especially those who have been in and out of relationships, that sex is not love. Yet sex love and romance is what the popular culture, the arts, music, and the movies around the world, and even the misguided so called experts, are telling us by precept or subliminal suggestion.

We are being degraded when by the ones who pretend to help us. They treat us like animals, suggesting that pleasure is the highest good. We are, in their eyes, pleasure seeking animals.

We are told that a relationship is to get our needs met. And of course, they tell us that one of our needs is sexual pleasure and more and more of same. No wonder people become selfish, the base ego needs for self gratification, at the expense of another, and calling it clove, is what they are told to look for, expect and even demand.

When the culture icons and experts' lead s us into troubled relationships and we become unhappy; we are again degraded by being told that the answer is more sex, better sex, other sex, or more varieties of getting our ego needs met.

They cater to the lowest common denominator. Our fallen ego is toked and buying into the lie, we become more determined, based on their wrong counsel, to assert our wants and needs, leading to more abuse, more frustration, and more unhappiness.

When error leads to unhappiness, we are again degraded. This time we are told that not only are we animals, but that our unhappiness is due to chemicals, a chemical imbalance in the brain.

The truth is that we are spiritual beings. Sex is not love (though we can have sex with love). The human race is not rising, it is falling. We need to hear the truth spoken clearly, so that it is like a breath of fresh air. Then we can heave a sigh of relief, because what we always knew in our hearts is confirmed.

We need some simple principles that will hold us in good stead, but we also need them explained so that we won't have a misguided notion of how to apply them.

Mostly we need to understand what our true needs are, and we need to learn how to love each other so that we help each other and not hurt each other.

Take heart. Probably no one has ever shown you the way. Many well meaning parents, teachers, counselors and clergy do give proper advice, but they just don't have the courage of conviction so they waffle and waiver, or they doubt the truth in their heart, or they have part of the answer but not the whole thing.

Much of this book will be devoted to pointing out error and relieving you of the faulty notions that are wrong but nevertheless generally ascribed to.

 A lie can kill you. For example, we all know that getting in a car with the wrong person, having sex with the wrong person, or doing something risky that everyone assures you is "safe" can be fatal. Similarly, buying into lies about human nature, or about relationships can lead to wrong choices, ruined lives, destroyed marriages, broken families, and harming the children.

Just look around at the current state of families, rampant physical and mental health issues, and a coarsening of society as a whole, and ask yourself if  people are getting the kind of advice that leads to wholeness, happiness and marital bliss or not. It is obvious that something is wrong. People are being misled somehow.

Therefore, this book may at first seem negative, but it is only because I first must point out errors clearly, so that you can see the truth about the errors. Secondly I won't tell you the usual foolishness about romance and passion, and candy, hot tubs and Valentine's Day lines--you've heard plenty of that already, and how much good has it done you?

What you need is the truth so you can wake up from your misdirected lifestyle and see through the lies and believe them no more. The truth may at first seem like a wet blanket, spoiling the party time--but if you look carefully, you will see that happiness and right choices are just on the other side of letting go of error.

We do need love. In fact, most of our issues stem from not having received love or the right kind of love, especially in our formative years. Love is not comforting (at first). It is corrective. But not with anger. Love has understanding in it and patience. It helps you to see the truth and wakes you up so you can begin to function from your own intuition and center of dignity. 

When you were a kid or teen--did you every have a teacher who set standards and was tough? She would not accept excuses and she demanded good performance. She was not mean, just had a no nonsense attitude. Well that is very close to what love is. Love does not put you on. Love does not assure you and reassure you that wrong is right, or make excuses for you. It tells you the truth so that you can see for yourself what is true or right. And love does not pressure you either. It gives you the space to choose without pressure.

I do not wish to be your leader. I only wish to tell you the truth with patience and kindness, but with firmness, so that you can have a chance to hear it clearly and then be able to see the problem so clearly that you also see the need for patience with each other and with yourself.

Basically all I want to do is help people. Recently I have had some experiences just trying to get two new tires, and trying to find a decent dentist who won't try to extract every penny he or she can out of me. Often we are so used to being lied to and ripped off, that we are grateful if someone just doesn't hurt us in some way. 

I tell you the truth and you can read dozens or hundreds of pages of my articles and chapters from my books online for free. My audio is free and all I ask is a small donation for a meditation, or a reasonable per minute charge for professional coaching.  I do this as a volunteer, but I have to survive. If I grow broke and end up on the street, how can I help you?

In addition to all the free stuff, and the benefit of my 22 years of experience for free, look what you can get for a small amount.

A $5 initial email exchange at Liveperson, where you can take as much time as you like in your email to describe your issue and I will answer with some feedback and some resources and strategies..

For a $5 donation I will send you a pdf of my 300 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage-- a manual on improving relationships.

Where else can you get this kind of value?

How To Pry Your Relationship Out Of A Rut

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

As a counselor and marriage coach with 22 years experience and 2 million visitors and listeners to my website and radio program, I hear this phrase quite a lot.

I might able to help you with this. I am not exaggerating  when I say that most advisors, counselors, and even clergy  are misguided about this topic. Few people understand the process of forgiveness with the depth that I do.

Many people have trouble forgiving. Others think they have forgiven, but really haven't. To forgive is to forget, and they haven't forgotten.

Some people say they can't forgive but what they really mean is that they won't.   But even some of these I can help.

Most people have the wrong idea about what forgiveness means. They think that it means liking the person, being friends with the person, or pretending that nothing happened. They think forgiving means that you have to have something to do with the person. This seems like an injustice to them, like letting the person get away with something. 

For this reason, they don't want to forgive because they think it means pretending nothing happened.

But this is not the case. It is possible to confront someone who harmed you in the past, point out what they did to you, ask them to apologize and be sorry, and then shake the dust from your feet and never have anything to do with them again.  But before you try this, you need to be very solidly grounded and really have forgiven them. Reading my books helps.

If someone steals your bike, you can forgive them, but still make them return it and call the police too. You get justice without feeling guilty or being troubled in the slightest. You just didn't hate them or resent them. That's all.

Furthermore if you don't judge a person in the first place, you don't have to forgive them in the second place. You can see that they are wrong, but you discern their wrong without adding a pinch of judgment and resentment. It is okay to discern, just don't resent. 

I will keep this article short. Let me just say that forgiving someone does not mean making nice with them. It means having dropped resentment against them.

Most people don't know what forgiveness means. It doesn't mean being friends with someone who hurt you.  It means having let go of your resentment toward them.

People tend to think that forgiveness is some active thing of having to be kind to the offending person, hugging them or whatever. They think forgiveness is making an emotional decision to forgive.

Forgiveness is not so much what you do, it is what you drop.

It means dropping (letting go of)  the grudge. And the way to do this is to let go of the resentment.

It helps to see why it is good to let go of the resentment. first by seeing just what resentment is and how it harms you. Secondly seeing how the one who did something to you was also a victim and doing unto others what was done to him or her.

Lastly, there is an intimidation factor that has to be dealt with. But this only when you have accomplished the first two steps.

My meditation and my books are helpful. 

Men and women live in different worlds. Men and women have different roles.

Men and women are different.

So, it is clear that there will be differences of opinion, different point of views, and so on.

Now, let's look at the issue. A husband and father is supposed to point things out. He is the head of household--the Moses, the David, the George Washington of the family. People look to him for leadership and direction.

If he is a good man--noble, wise, virtuous, honorable and so on--it is good to listen to his constructive comments and directions. It is good to cooperate with a good man.

So first you have to ask yourself if  what he says is right or not. If he is right about what he says--and you give him a hard time when he really doesn't deserve it, then we will look at that.

It is possible that you are over-reacting to his pointing things out, arguing with him over everything, and not cooperating with what he asks for--in which case your rebellion or resistance, or your arguing back and not acknowledging his advice--forces him to repeat things, to say the same thing over and over.

If you find yourself doing irritating things--like the opposite of what he says--then it could be that you are unconsciously undermining his authority.  You might have picked this up from your mom.

Of course, it can also be that he is unreasonable or he is a tyrant. If he is belittling, mean, cruel, or puts you down, or if he as hypercritical -- then that is not good.  He shoud not be that way. It is hard to point it out to him because he will react wrongly.  If he is putting you down or is unreasonable, then he is out of order.

A man is supposed to be reasonable. A man is supposed to be wise, patient, calm, and have long suffering. This does not mean that he is weak or a people pleaser, it means that he should be firm but fair, that he stands for what is right, but has a twinkle in his eye.

Some men just clam up and say nothing. this can be very frustrating to a woman. Some women's complaint is that their husband won't talk!

Yours is the opposite, he talks but he is critical.

At this point I must mention that. in most marriages, there is a vying for power between two egos. We start off marriage as selfish egos. If we mature, we learn to be unselfish. He learns to agree with his wife when she is right. And she learns to cooperate with her husband when he is right.

If both remain selfish, then the enmity, undercurrents of anger, sneakiness, nit picking,  bickering and so on just continue until there is bitterness, violence, divorce, or an eerie peace with hostility and unfinished business underneath.

This latter is what a lot of kids have seen and it makes them reject marriage.

When you have a marriage of the typical two selfish people--and one person wakes up--then you have one awake person.

Let's stay, for example, that you begin to wake up and see how  you have sought to be in charge, have undermined your husband, and may have even turned the kids against him.

You now see that he really is not such a bad guy. You gave him a really hard time for no good reason. Perhaps you had a father who was not there for you, or you were taken advantage of by some boyfriend, and so you resented men, beginning with your father who was not there for you, and you transferred that resentment to your husband.

Chances are you became very judgmental of men, including your husband. Perhaps you belittled everything he did, and now he does the same to you.

You may also have tried to run everyone's lives--you tried to change your husband, for example. And all you did was turn him into a wimp, a big kid, or a violent brute.

Now years later you see the damage that you did and if it is not too late (a divorce has already happened), you are now ready to lighten up and let him take the lead when he is right, and relax and stop trying to run (and ruin) everyone's lives.

If he does not wake up, then it will be difficult for you. You are ready to forgive and forget, to be reasonable and so on. He is not. Perhaps he has rebelled to the bottle or another woman. Maybe your meddling and catering to his weaknesses has turned him into a selfish  oaf.  Perhaps he has thrown in the towel and become a wimp. He lets you run everything, while he sits back and secretly judges your mistakes. You may even have exchanged roles or identities! He is the resentful nit picking "wife" and you are "the husband" seeking to deal with his judgmental nature.

Like I said, if you wake up, then all you can do is admit what you did (like admit to your kids that you tried to run their lives and made things worse). You can live graciously from now on, and now no longer resentful, the bitterness and other symptoms even physical stress symptoms will let you go. Perhaps your gracous manner and your new found awareness will make him aware too. Just remember that you cannot make him wake up and you cannot make a man into a man.

However, your awareness will awaken him whether he likes it or not. If he welcomes waking up, and he too changes and becomes the noble knight you wanted him to be--then you will become very good friends and can both live happily every after.

On the other hand, if your awareness makes him aware of his own wrong, and he resent it, he may react violently to it. He may seek a divorce and find another woman with whom he can feel comfortable in his selfishness. If so, good riddance to bad rubbish, as the expression goes. You are better off alone than with a selfish man with whom there is no future.

Of course it would be nice if he woke up first and started to be the man he should be. He could then gently rescue you from your hell and lead you to his heaven.  After trying him and finding him not wanting, you could feel very secure with this good man.

Now back to where we started. The number one thing to watch out for is resentment.

If you are resentful, you cannot see clearly.  He might be a good guy and he might not.
As long as you are resentful, you can't know for sure. He might be a good guy, but the hard time you give him disables him from finding himself. He might be a good guy, but you are projecting your dad or former boyfriend onto him.

You just can't know for sure, nor can you know his heart--as long as you are resentful. So the most important thing is to watch for and let go of resentment.

Whether or not he wakes up I cannot say. But one thing I know for sure: resentment has so many bad consequences--spiritual, emotional and even physical--that letting go of resentment is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

A full understanding of the psychological and spiritual import of this question requires great wisdom to provide and to receive.

I have written some excellent books on the subject of marriage and relationships, and have written and lectured extensively on fatherhood, the duties of a husband, and the profundities of marriage for over 22 years.

There are reasons why a man must have honor, fidelity, and do his duty. But I'm not telling you anything new. The fact that a man must be honorable, patient, kind, and virtuous--you already knew this in your heart, didn't you? If you are not honorable, it is because you are selfish or have a lot of growing up to do.

Of course we all start off our relationship selfish. But we all should also grow up. And growing up means learning to be unselfish. In fact, I have always said that marriage is not a pleasure party. The purpose of marriage is to have children and a family. We can be selfish before we get married, but once married we begin to see our weaknesses and selfishness that we did not know we had before being within the walls of marriage.

Holy matrimony is a framework within which to learn to be unselfish.

Perhaps now you can see why it is best to wait until marriage. Marriage is a sign of fidelity and honor. Should you, as the man, give in to the temptation of the popular culture or the lady in question, to not wait until marriage, in her eyes it shows that you are easy to tempt and that you do not have impeccable honor.

If she is like many other women, she may have been taken advantage of by other men and has not been loved properly. She already judges men, and now she will judge you too as being just like all the rest.

Later on in the relationship, you will find that she does not respect you, may have contempt for you, does not trust you, and you will have hell to pay. I am not saying that things can't be worked out, but it may take 20 or 30 years for her to learn to respect you, and this only if you truly change for the better. Sadly many men remain selfish and unaware, and do not know why their weakness harms their family.

You see, a man's authority is goodness, patience, understanding, the courage of conviction, and the respect of others for his virtue. If you are weak or violent, if you worship women more than God, or if you put your wife on a pedestal, your family will have contempt for you and will end up in rebellion.

When you are weak or wrong, and when you do not uphold virtue and principle, you have no authority. No wonder you are held in contempt and your family is in rebellion.

Anger and violence are wrong and also show moral weakness. Some men use violence to try to get back their authority, but violence is wrong and shows moral weakness. They will hate you.

In regard to your question, here I will just give part of the short answer.

If you just cheated on your wife, there is a reason for telling her: Basic decency and disease prevention.

There are many sexually transmitted diseases and they are rampant. Any contact outside of the bounds of marital fidelity carries the risk of contracting and spreading one or more of the many STD's.

You owe it to her to advise her so that she can monitor her health and partner with her medical provider to make sure that she is free from disease (or receive appropriate treatment, if through you, she has acquired a disease).

Just be aware of the fact that she may decide to divorce you.


If you had a relationship long ago with someone before you were married, it is none of her concern. Only tell people things on a need to know basis. If you  unnecessarily tell her of some dalliance before you were married, you are likely to discover that she will remember it forever and secretly judge you for it, even throw it in your face. Your emotional weak confession was a big mistake.   

If you cheated on her many years ago, and you are both disease free, then there are other factors involved. I will address this these other factors in another blog or book, or in private consultation. Here I will just give a couple of preliminary thoughts.

What good will it do to tell her? The only thing you are likely to accomplish is to burden her with something that she will judge you for and will never forget.  You risk destroying progress you have made by giving her a new reason to judge and condemn you as being just another user and cheat.  

If you want to confess to someone: confess quietly to God. If you confess to your wife, you are casting her into the role of God. So watch out for this trap and temptation.  

If she asks you a direct question "Did you have a relationship with Blank 8 years ago?" you may not be able to duck it. You will have to decide whether honesty is better for her and you, or whether it is better to fib. In the old Testament there is a story of someone who told a lie for a good reason. 

If I was in Hitler Germany and I was hiding Jews in the basement, and the authorities knocked on my door and asked me if I was hiding Jews in the basement, I would lie and say no. 

If you cheated on her long ago, whether to tell her or not depends, in part, on your reason for telling her. You must be thoroughly versed in the psychology of it and be prepared to do what is right, but also factor in what makes sense and is reasonable, rather than just emotionally saying things that might be misunderstood or forever after used against you.

I am a pastor, so my advice to individual people who consult with me about this topic may surprise some.  Many men, instead of confessing and making things right in their heart before their Creator, get on their knees before their wife, which is akin to begging her (instead of God) for forgiveness.

His display of wrongness and weakness is a tremendous temptation to her to puff up in judgment, and also to feel superior and righteous by comparison.

If she is judgmental of men, based on experience with men beginning with her father who was not there for her and then other weak men she has known, your confession will only confirm what she already suspected--that you are just another weak selfish man who is a user--and she may judge you forever.

If you have changed for the better over the years--you saw your own selfishness and you saw that your wife and children need you to be there for them--and now you have mended your ways, a weak admission of some long ago dalliance will serve no purpose other than tempt her to judge you and never be able to forget what you told her.

She might "forgive you" for guilt relief, but secretly resent you for making her having to deal with it.

I am not saying not to be honest, but I am also warning you that what you say to her can and will be used against you. Women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to a man's mistakes.

So first, look at your motivation, become very well centered, and have a crystal clear understanding of what a man's, husband's and father's role is before you dump your sins in her lap.

Whether it just happened or happened a long time ago, it would undoubtedly be wise to read my paperback book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - Making Relationships Work. You need a thorough grounding about what is at stake and just what the duties of the husband and father are.

If perchance you are interested in becoming a better husband and father, you probably need some good fatherly advice--the kind you would get from a wise father who also loves and respects women and who knows what their true needs are. You are unlikely to find such understanding in the popular culture. My book might help

Preview free in Kindle




"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 

Get a free eBook and help Roland--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 







 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

A full understanding of the psychological and spiritual import of this question requires great wisdom to provide and to receive.

I have written some excellent books on the subject of marriage and relationships, and have written and lectured extensively on fatherhood, the duties of a husband, and the profundities of marriage for over 22 years.

There are reasons why a man must have honor, fidelity, and do his duty. But I'm not telling you anything new. The fact that a man must be honorable, patient, kind, and virtuous--you already knew this in your heart, didn't you? If you are not honorable, it is because you are selfish or have a lot of growing up to do.

Of course we all start off our relationship selfish. But we all should also grow up. And growing up means learning to be unselfish. In fact, I have always said that marriage is not a pleasure party. The purpose of marriage is to have children and a family. We can be selfish before we get married, but once married we begin to see our weaknesses and selfishness that we did not know we had before being within the walls of marriage.

Holy matrimony is a framework within which to learn to be unselfish.

Perhaps now you can see why it is best to wait until marriage. Marriage is a sign of fidelity and honor. Should you, as the man, give in to the temptation of the popular culture or the lady in question, to not wait until marriage, in her eyes it shows that you are easy to tempt and that you do not have impeccable honor.

If she is like many other women, she may have been taken advantage of by other men and has not been loved properly. She already judges men, and now she will judge you too as being just like all the rest.

Later on in the relationship, you will find that she does not respect you, may have contempt for you, does not trust you, and you will have hell to pay. I am not saying that things can't be worked out, but it may take 20 or 30 years for her to learn to respect you, and this only if you truly change for the better. Sadly many men remain selfish and unaware, and do not know why their weakness harms their family.

You see, a man's authority is goodness, patience, understanding, the courage of conviction, and the respect of others for his virtue. If you are weak or violent, if you worship women more than God, or if you put your wife on a pedestal, your family will have contempt for you and will end up in rebellion.

When you are weak or wrong, and when you do not uphold virtue and principle, you have no authority. No wonder you are held in contempt and your family is in rebellion.

Anger and violence are wrong and also show moral weakness. Some men use violence to try to get back their authority, but violence is wrong and shows moral weakness. They will hate you.

In regard to your question, here I will just give part of the short answer.

If you just cheated on your wife, there is a very powerful reason for telling her: Basic decency and disease prevention.

There are many sexually transmitted diseases and they are rampant. Any contact outside of the bounds of marital fidelity carries the risk of contracting and spreading one or more of the many STD's.

You owe it to her to advise her so that she can monitor her health and partner with her medical provider to make sure that she is free from disease (or receive appropriate treatment, if through you, she has acquired a disease).

Just be aware of the fact that she may decide to divorce you.

If you cheated on her many years ago, and you are both disease free, then there are other factors involved. I will address this these other factors in another blog or book, or in private consultation.

Here I will just give a couple of preliminary thoughts. If you cheated on her long ago, whether to tell her or not depends, in part, on your reason for telling her. You must be thoroughly versed in the psychology of it and be prepared to do what is right, but also factor in what makes sense and is reasonable, rather than just emotionally saying things that might be misunderstood or forever after used against you.

I am a pastor, so my advice to individual people who consult with me about this topic may surprise some. I say "It all depends" because some men, instead of confessing and making things right in their heart before their Creator, get on their knees before their wife, which is akin to begging her (instead of God) for forgiveness.

His display of wrongness and weakness is a tremendous temptation to her to puff up in judgment, and also to feel superior and righteous by comparison.

If she is judgmental of men, based on experience with men beginning with her father who was not there for her and then other weak men she has known, your confession will only confirm what she already suspected--that you are just another weak selfish man who is a user--and she may judge you forever.

If you have changed for the better over the years--you saw your selfishness and you saw that your wife and children need you to be there for them--and now you have mended your ways, a weak admission of some long ago dalliance will serve no purpose other than tempt her to judge you and never be able to forget what you told her. She might "forgive you" for guilt relief, but secretly resent you for making her having to deal with it.

I am not saying not to be honest, but I am also warning you that what you say to her can and will be used against you. Women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to a man's mistakes.

So first, look at your motivation, become very well centered, and have a crystal clear understanding of what a man's, husband's and father's role is before you dump your sins in her lap.

Whether it just happened or happened a long time ago, it would undoubtedly be wise to read my paperback book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - Making Relationships Work. You need a thorough grounding about what is at stake and just what the duties of the husband and father are.

If perchance you are interested in becoming a better husband and father, you probably need some good fatherly advice--the kind you would get from a wise father who also loves and respects women and who knows what their true needs are. You are unlikely to find such understanding in the popular culture. My book might help

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Then may I recommend you try the meditations and also enjoy reading some of my books. When we have relationship issues, we often try to solve or change things out there, without first attending to our own well being and health. My meditations are designed to help a person calm down, get center, and most importantly, get out of worry and negative thought. When your emotional equilibrium is better, then it it easier to face external issues.

After 22 years of helping people, research and writing, I can also almost guarantee that resentment is a part of your mixture of feelings. My meditations, books and lectures all focus on resentment, its harm, and how to let go of it.

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