Unpack Your Baggage For A Great Relationship

“Everyone you meet comes with baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” Unknown

Dragging old baggage around with you can taint the most promising relationship. Making your partner pay for the wrongs of exes puts a strain on even the best of relationships. Living with someone who is carrying excess baggage can feel a little like walking on egg shells; never knowing what will trigger the next blow out. Since it is impossible for your partner to ever be perfect enough to not trigger your baggage, it is wise to unpack.


Below are tips for unpacking your baggage:

1. Accept and release your anger. Accept that it is healthy to feel anger about mistreatment. Accept that you feel angry for a reason, acknowledge that you have a right to feel how you feel. Then choose to deal constructively with your anger and find a way to release that feeling, rather than allowing it to turn to bitterness. Clients often find it helpful to write a letter expressing their feelings to their exes and then choose to release and let go, by burning or otherwise destroying the letter and celebrating the purging of those feelings from their life.

2. Rid yourself of reminders. Give back, give away, sell or discard the physical reminders of old hurts. If you are hanging onto stuff that brings you pain each time you use or see it, it may be time to clean house. It can be helpful as a symbolic way to say I am choosing to let go of the past, or to free myself from its grasp.

3. Break the pattern. Carrying old baggage can mean that your partner gets painted with the same brush as your ex. If they say or do anything that even reminds you of something from the past, all that build up hurt and anger falls on them like a ton of bricks. Choose to be in the present and to deal with your current relationship and remember that your partner is not your ex or your parents or whoever else hurt you in the past.

4. Forgive yourself. It is important to accept responsibility for the hurtful things that you did or said in past relationships and to learn from mistakes that you made. Remember that you are only responsible for things that you can control. You are not responsible for your exes choices or behavior. Choose to learn from your past and forgive yourself, rather than beating yourself up. Accept that, in whatever situation you found yourself, you did the best you could at the time.

5. Forgive others. Forgiving those who have hurt you frees you from carrying their baggage with you. You do not forgive them because they deserve to be forgiven or to give them peace of mind; you forgive them because you deserve to be free of them and you deserve peace of mind. Forgiveness can be difficult and sometimes takes years, but it really is the most effective way to unpack your baggage.

Get help if needed. If you strongly feel that your past is interfering with your present and stopping you from having the future that you want, it may be wise to seek help from a professional. Sometimes your partner can help you unpack and sometimes you just need a little extra help.

Are You Keeping Secrets?

“The most valuable, most precious love in the world is the love someone gives you when you can't love yourself.” Susan Page

Are you keeping secrets? Are your secrets keeping you from being real with each other and having the intimacy you desire? If you are pretending to be someone other than who you really are, your relationship ends up being a hollow facade of what it could be. Hiding from your partner the things that cause you shame or embarrassment does not allow him/her to have the opportunity fully accept you—warts and all. You may end up having niggley doubts that if s/he knew all about you, s/he would not really love you. Because you are hiding parts of yourself, you may spare yourself some momentary pain or embarrassment, but that lack of vulnerability also keeps distance between you.


Openness and honesty is an essential part of lasting, healthy relationships. Everyone has a right to privacy, however if you feel the need to hide your email and cell phone from your partner, chances are you are behaving in ways that you feel are inappropriate. It is not that your partner should read every email or text message that you send, but there should be nothing in those email or text messages that they should not or could not see. When you start hiding things from your partner it is often an indication that you are headed down a dangerous path.

Another thing to remember is that secrets have a way of slipping out, often at the most inconvenient times. It is far better to arrange a quiet time when you are both feeling comfortable to talk to your partner about things from your past that you are not proud of or things from the present that you regret. Even though this conversation may be difficult, s/he would much rather hear it from you than to stumble upon it in some other way. Secret keeping means lying either by omission or commission and deceit always erodes trust! As painful as it may be, it is far better for you to fess-up rather than getting caught in your lies.

You both need privacy, time for yourselves, time with friends, and or separate hobbies. But if during those private times you are thinking or doing things that you feel you should hide from your partner you may be causing more damage to your relationship than you realize. Secret keeping is too often a slippery slope to relationship decay.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The following is a transcription of a radio interview of Dr. Roland Trujillo by Mike Simon recorded this year.

Mike: Welcome to the program. Today we have a real treat. My guest in the studio is Dr. Roland Trujillo and we're going to talk about fighting in relationships. First of all, welcome Dr. Trujillo, what shall I call you?

A. Thanks for inviting me. Just call me Roland, please.

Q. Okay, Roland. I'd like to give the listening audience a little biographical information first. If I get something wrong, please correct me.

A. Sure.

Q. It says here that you have a Masters Degree in Human Relations and a PhD in Pastoral Psychology. It also says here that you are board certified by the American Board of Professional Counselors and are a member of the American Psychotherapy Association. Is that right.

A. Yes. But what I have to say is based on observation and intuition. And I always ask people to run what I have to say by their common sense. I don't want people to be wowed or awed by the degrees.

Q. We have a very intelligent audience, so get ready for some tough questions.

A. I look forward to it.

Q. I want to get right to the important stuff so I'll just say that you have had a radio advice program for 20 years, taught graduate and undergraduate courses for 18 years, have written 8 books and have three blogs dedicated to relationships. Is that right?

A. I've been busy haven't I?

Q. (laughter) Indeed. And finally, are you married and do you have kids?

A. Yes, we will soon celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary, and our son is in college.

Q. Great. Okay, here goes. What percentage of couples argue?

A. 100 percent. Let me explain. Somewhere along the line all couples argue.

Mike. 100 percent?

Roland: That's right. But there are a couple of qualifications. First, I have to rule out the marriages on paper only--you know, the so -called marriages of convenience like the Hollywood stars used to do for publicity purposes.

Secondly, I have to say that in about half the marriages, one side wimps out and then keeps quiet for peace (so the kids don't see arguing for example).

But I like to talk about the rule rather than the exception. Most relationships have lots of fighting interspersed with periods of calm. In fact, the average marriage begins with bliss, then vying for power in a game of ego one upsmanship, then when the halo effect wears off and the couple settles down to reality, there are good times and bad times, with a series of arguments and making up.

Some marriages eventually settle down into a modus vivendi where one side tends to give in most of the time, and on the surface everything looks fine but there are resentments and unfinished business underneath.

Mike: Wow. You just described my parents' marriage. Dad was kind of quiet. He let Mom be pretty much in charge of everything. He didn't say much. Mom complained about Dad quite a bit. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage. But I have to say that Mom told us kids that she was unhappy.

Roland: Well, there you go. So what I am trying to do is help people like your mom and dad. In other words, basically good people. Since they are both good people, it is a shame that they should be secretly unhappy. I want them to be happy and stay married. "Married happily ever after" is what I would like to see and I think it is possible.

Mike: Roland, I have to tell you that I'm married. My wife is wonderful and we've been married 6 years. I do find myself clamming up quite a bit.

Roland: Do you have kids?

Mike: Yes. We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old.

Roland: And you don't want the kids to see you fighting, so you tend to give in for peace?

Mike: That's right.

Roland: Now you know what your Dad felt like! But for every dad that clams up for peace there are moms who do the same thing. And can you see that if you are--pardon me I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying this because it might help some of your listeners. . . .

Mike: Sure.

Roland: . . . . if you become wimpy by failing to speak up, you give her the power and she becomes in charge. When things go wrong, you can secretly blame her. But can you see how saddling her with the responsibility and failing to be strong in a fatherly sort of way--she is tempted to resent you and have contempt for your wimpiness?

Mike: Wow.

Roland: Then in your weakness, you eventually become just like your dad and she will be unhappy just like your mom!

Mike: I think it's time for a break! (laughter) When we get back I will open the lines for callers.
We've got about a minute before the break. Is there anything you would like to add?

Roland: Yes, Mike. I have to say that my biggest disappointment has been the way most visitors to my blog just show up for about 15 seconds and then leave.

Mike: Why is that?

Answer: It's because that's the average time that people stay at one place before they click on something else. But here I am with all these resources and help, and they miss it.

Mike: If there were one thing that you would like them to know before they leave, what is it?

A. That resentment underlies 99% of the negative emotions in a relationship. That's why I make people aware of the underlying dynamics, so that they can see, really see what is going on. They will then be able to have some compassion for their partner and for themselves. They will also see that we are all in the same boat, and understanding will help them forgive their parents too.

Mike: Go a head we have another minute before our break.

Roland: I love couples. I think relationships are the greatest thing, and I am saddened when I see little disagreements and hurt feelings between two good people snowball into big unfinished business or even divorce. Marriage was not meant to be a picnic, but it is an ideal setting within which to bring children into the world and in which to learn to be unselfish.

I think I can quickly help ailing relationships by pointing out somethings that very few other counselors really understand or even know about. Moreover I know what people can do to solve their issues and start loving and appreciating each other again. I'm not bragging. I'm just being honest.

Mike: In the 30 seconds we have left, give me a couple of examples of things most counselors don't know about.

Roland: for one thing: resentment. It is absolutely the most overlook thing that contributes to unhealthy arguments and breakups. Arguing is not a bad thing necessarily. Like I said we all argue. In fact, if it gets things out on the table, and people can have an animated discussion without resentment--it can be positive. Getting back to resentment--most people do not realize how destructive it is. Many don't even know they are resentful. And when they discover it, they don't know how to give it up.

We're running out of time, so I want to mention Adam and Eve.

Mike: Adam and Eve!?

Roland: That's right. Read my books and your eyes will be opened. You will see that you and your partner are Adam and Eve redux. After over 20 years of helping couples, I can see how we all repeat the old Garden of Eden story, and then what started off as a marriage made in Heaven becomes just the opposite.

Mike: We're out of time. How do they get your book.

Roland: It will soon be at Amazon.com. But right now it is available in eBook. Just go to my Healing Relationships website and there are links to preview it there.

Mike: Thanks Roland.
.
_________________________

Hello, my name is Roland and I am a pastoral counselor. I've been on the radio for almost 22 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am a bit old fashioned, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book just as much as couples who are formally married. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read, a page turner--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Roland



Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, and radio host introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704Here it is.

The book you have been waiting for.


Written by Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples


Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

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Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

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