Unconditional Love

"Sometimes love blinds us, other times it let’s us see." Paulo Coelho.

When we first go to look at a house that we are interested in buying we seldom see all the problems with the house. We see how cute it is, mostly that means small, how charming it seems, usually older and dated, or how wonderful the yard is, we’re not really looking at the house as it is, it takes some time and space from the blurred vision of excitement and hope in order for us to see the house in reality. After some time in the house we can easily point out the faults; it is a small older house that needs major upgrades and a lot of work. Yet we still stay in the house and work on it; we need to be able to do the same for our relationships.


In the above quote we are usually blinded for the first blush of the relationship. We see how cute she is when she talks to us in a baby voice and how funny it is that he wanders around on Saturday morning till noon in his underwear; these things are endearing to us, but five years and a child and a lifetime later these turn out to be not so funny or cute. They have become major resentments and for at least half of us, according to the latest statistics, unlike our house don’t stay in the relationship.

At those times when things are great we forget about our partner’s faults, wrinkles, and irritants, they don’t matter. However, when things are not so great, perhaps not even good those same faults, wrinkles and irritants become major stumbling blocks. Is this unconditional love? Well if you still love them and don’t try to force them to change yes, it is unconditional love; but most people don’t react like this, they push for changes, in a sense they are saying you need to change in order for me go love you.

When we can still see the lovely and cute sweetheart through those irritants, wrinkles and faults, when we accept that our lover is not perfect, not in bed, the kitchen or anywhere and we still can find that cutesy lover there; then the second half of the quote is true; “other times it lets us see.” True love is like truth, it just is. There is no bounds, no rules, no exceptions or times when it’s not true; it is always true. Loving our partner when they are not at their best is unconditional love.

There are four types of love. The first is as a baby loves; we all think babies are wonderful and cute. Babies love you and are happy when they get their way, get what they need; yet if they don’t there is usually a lot of crying and screaming and unpleasantness. Second, this is the horse trading kind of love. We each give fifty per cent and we make darn sure that our partner gives their fifty per cent or else we withhold our love. This is sort of you give me this and I’ll do this and that, not very satisfying. It is the third level of love we want you to be at.

This is where no matter what, no matter what our partner is saying, doing or not saying or doing we love them. There is no withholding of love to spite our lover, no withdrawing to punish them for something; there is just love. We love our partners no matter what, without any conditions or strings. This is the first part of the quote again, “sometimes love blinds us.”

If you wish to have a happy and successful relationship then there needs to be complete and total acceptance of each other. TOTAL. No withholding just a little because our feelings are hurt, no not speaking to, no withdrawal, no “I’m not sleeping with until…” all of this indicates conditions and strings and a great deal of immaturity. The third level of love is very attainable, in fact if you look at most successful relationships you will see it in action. This type of love requires us to be grown up, mature and somewhat self-reliant and self-assured. Takes some work and effort but totally worth it.

The fourth type of love is the Gandhi’s of the world. The Dalai Lama’s, the Jesus Christ’s and the Mother Teresa’s, people who love people just because they live. Most people never really get here consistently, we can jump up and do it once in a while, but not for sustained periods. This style of love is an ideal we should shoot for and strive to find within ourselves, yet never think less of ourselves when we fail, when we slide from there or can’t quite get there.

Sharyn Wolf says, “anyone can be a sweetheart on a honeymoon—it is how we behave between honeymoons that is a measure of who we are.” Just a couple of things about this quote; it is true and it tells us how to have a happier marriage. Courtship behavior is the biggest lie in the world. We try to impress each other by always being on our best behavior. We say and do things that are wonderful and beautiful and loving; then we married and we don’t have to try so hard, we have who we want already. So don’t think that he is going to cook you such great and romantic dinners every night, you will probably end cooking just as much or more then him and probably a lot of Mac & Cheese. The reality life takes time and energy and we often steal that from our relationship.

The second thing about the quote is the words “between honeymoons,” this indicates more than one honeymoon. Not with different partners, with each other. If I was counting I would say my wife and I had at least five. No, I didn’t count our vacations. Out first one was sort of a disaster, fights, tears, confusion and not knowing how to do things made it memorable only because it was so forgettable. Number two was the next year, and it was fantastic, we had fun and laughed and did things for each other. Three was our twentieth anniversary where we did it all over again, in real sense we renewed our vows, four and five were special as well, our first trip to the Caribbean and a surprise from our children.

Unconditional love means that you will have those special moments, those dream times and the opportunities for multiple honeymoons with your loved one. Sometimes love is blind, my wife doesn’t care that I’m bald and the grey in her hair just makes her more attractive. And sometimes it let’s us see, I see her tenderly putting our wedding and family pictures up with care and remembering her birthday, our anniversary and Mother’s Day is no chore for me.

“The good we ought to do is love.” Mark Ian Thompson

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Half An Hour A Day Challenge

What would happen if you dedicated half an hour a day to positive interactions with your partner and family? What if for that half hour a day you simply listened to, complimented, encouraged, smiled at, and enjoyed spending time with someone you love? What if for that half an hour you choose to be only with them? You shut off your cell phone, computer, television or any other distractions that might interfere. What if for that half hour you focused your thoughts and energy on them and not you or the million things you need to get done?
I once heard someone say that they enjoyed hearing, “I like you,” from their spouse and that they thought it was more important than hearing, “I love you.” Far too often for couples and in families, relationships are allowed to deteriorate to the point that although they may love each other, they sometimes cannot even stand to be around each other. Loving your family seems somewhat mandatory, where liking your family is optional. But you have the power to increase the liking feelings in your relationships simply by investing some time.

Why are we so quick to judge and criticize those that we love. Why do the communications that most children hear from their parents consist of either don't, stop and shouldn't or do this, hurry up and slow down. Too often it seems that partners and children are never able to measure up. Years ago, reading the book by Barry Neil Kaufman called To Love is To Be Happy With, helped me to recognize the importance of acceptance and my ability to choose to be “happy with” rather than judgmental toward those I loved.

The Golden Rule of Relationships is to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. This is the ratio that tips the scales in favor of long lasting relationships. In this technological generation, most couples and families spend very little one-on-one time together. Often time together is in front of the television or while on computers and cell phones. Most couples and families are starved for caring human contact, including eye contact.

Take the half hour a day challenge, try it as an experiment. I would predict that if you are willing to accept this challenge that miracles may begin to happen in your relationships. This time and concentrated attention will strengthen the bonds, kinship and friendship that allows you to enjoy a lifetime together.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course 

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples 

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine