Developing Emotional Skills Improves Relationships

The more we feel in control, the happier we will be. Not in the sense of being in control of situations or other people, but rather in control of ourself. The following story illustrates this point:

A belligerent Samurai once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell.
But the monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout--I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"
His very honor attacked, the Samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, "I could kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the Samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.
"And that," said the monk, "is heaven."

We can develop emotional skills the same way that we develop physical skills, through learning and practice. Self-awareness is the place to begin. Self-awareness allows us to identify areas where improvement is necessary, as well as accepting and appreciating our strengths. We need to be able to acknowledge, accept and name our feelings before we can deal effectively with others.
We need to develop emotional management skills such as self-soothing, anger diffusion, equalibrium, and mood lifting. Self-soothing allows us to console ourselves when we have been hurt. Anger diffusion allows us to accept and process our anger, rather than exploding. Equalibrium means that we maintain emotional balance—that we do not allow others to push or control our emotions. Mood lifting skills allows us to choose to not be overwhelmed by negative emotions.

Self-motivation skills, such as impulse control, positive expectations and self-efficacy also help us to feel more in control in our life. Strengthening our impulse control or improving our self-discipline helps to reduce destructive and increase constructive behavior. Optimism keeps us moving foreword until we succeed. Self-efficacy is our belief or ability to see that we can succeed in a given situation. When we believe that we will succeed, we tend not to sabotage ourselves before we even begin.

Empathy is an important emotional skill. It allows us to recognize our own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Accepting and valuing ourself, helps us to not feel threatened when others are different or disagree with us. When we are able to consider another person's perspective and accept and acknowledge their feelings conflict decreases and we feel better about us.

These emotional skills can help us to regulate our moods and to feel more in control.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Compassion is the Key

The best relationships come from having a healthy respect for ourself and a healthy respect for others. The interesting thing is that when people truly respect themselves, they find it easier to truly respect others. If I have a healthy respect for myself, I understand that I am a person of worth and that I deserve respect from myself and others. This is a knowing at the core of your being that, in spite of your inadequacies, you are wonderful just as you are. This is not to be confused with arrogance, which generally is just bluster to cover one's inner sense of insecurity.


When relating to others there are four positions that we can come from:
1. We value ourself
2. We do not value ourself
3. We value others
4. We do not value others

These positions combine in four different ways. Complainers are people who do not value themselves and do not value others. Egotists are people who value themselves, but not others. Pleasers are those who value others, but not themselves. And the Compassionate are those who value themselves as well as others.

Complainers tend to undervalue others in an a attempt to boost their poor opinion of themselves. They tend to sour relationships due to their inability to ever feel satisfied. Pleasers tend to overvalue others in order to keep the peace and gain acceptance. In time their relationships suffer and resentment builds when others fail to return their “pleasing” behavior. Egotist are takers and hurt their relationships by being concerned only with what they are getting. Compassionate caring for yourself and others is the best way to build lasting relationships.

Building your compassion for yourself:

• Accept that you do not have to be perfect
• Accept that you are amazing, unique and wonderful, just as you are
• Accept that you can learn from your mistakes
• Treat yourself kindly
• Stop beating yourself up
• Treat yourself with respect
• Expect to be treated with respect

Building your compassion for others:

• Accept that others do not have to be perfect
• Accept that others are entitled to their own opinions, thoughts and feelings
• Take the challenge to stop criticizing others
  
• Experiment with random acts of kindness
• Refuse to judge or prejudge others
• Return kindness for unkindness (If someone is rude to you, you can choose to be nice to them)

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine