Develop A Sense of Purpose and Shared Goals

All people want to know that they are important, that their life has meaning. Marriage provides an excellent opportunity to choose to co-create a life of meaning and contribution. One of the challenges of marriage is to really get to know and understand each other and to learn to love each other unconditionally. Meeting this challenge require maturity and discipline. Sharing a sense of purpose can help couples remember who they are and what they want for themselves, each other and the relationship.

It may not sound overly romantic, but developing a vision statement for your marriage may give you that sense of purpose that will strengthen your bonds. When you become a team, working together to reach toward your common future, trials, struggles and disagreements are handled easier, because your focus remains on where you are going. Couples without a sense of purpose may get bogged down in the day to day grind and forget to look up toward the life that they want to create.



Having a marriage without a sense of purpose or shared goals is a little like taking a trip without a map and driving in circles hoping to stumble upon the most amazing sights.

Your vision statement will be as unique as you are. There are many possible goals and ideals couples strive toward. Some possible examples include:

• Developing shared talents
• Raising responsible children
• Dedication to God
• Dedication to a cause
• Caring for the environment
• Serving others

If you do not already have a vision statement for your marriage, set aside a couple of hours to get started. Begin by each of you creating a list of your goals, aspirations and dreams, think personally and also in terms of your relationship. Items to consider:

1. If your relationship was a 10/10 what would that look and feel like?
2. What personal and family traditions would you like to continue or develop?
3. Rank your friendships and consider the kinds of friendships you value.
4. What are your financial goals and dreams?
5. How do you define spirituality and what do you want for your spiritual growth?
6. What is your idea of community and how do you want to be involved in your community?
7. What are your career aspirations?
8. What are the ways that you would like to continue learning and growing?
9. Rank your health and fitness and consider if there are changes that you would like to make.
10. What are the things that you do that help you feel energized and alive and how can you add more of these activities to your life?

Each of you answer the questions above, then compare and discuss. Find areas of similarity and begin creating a shared vision. A sense of purpose increases optimism—a shared sense of purpose helps to bond you together. Choose a life-affirming purpose, one that allows you to contribute to something bigger than yourself.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun, Until . . .

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” Thoreau



I wish to address a particular concern of mine about our society in general and couples in particular. There seems to be a major trend nowadays to just put up with things. Things that are not what we want, what we like, what we consider fun or happy-making, things, that for a lack of better words, just really suck. I see couples come in and neither one is happy, life is not pleasant for them yet, they just seem to accept this without even trying anything different. It seems like being happy is not worth the effort or trouble.



The basics first; I believe we are here on this planet to have fun, to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Dare I say it? Yes, we are here to be happy. Does this mean there will be no rain ever on our parade, of course not; into each life a little rain must fall. There needs to be opposition in all things or you won’t know whether you are happy or sad, angry or glad, in love or not in love. So be realistic and expect life to have its grim moments, accept them, but also know that life has its great moments and just accept them also.







Next, happiness is not out there, it is not our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and happiness does not just happen. Happiness is a choice. It is something we must deliberately and consciously decide to be. It is an intrinsic quality; it must come from within us. As a society and as individuals we need to stop looking at material things to make us happy. We must quit looking for others to take care of our happiness.



Many of us say, “I’ll be happy when I’m finished school. Or get a better job, or when my spouses loves me more or better.” Stop it! We must stop giving our power away. If our happiness depends upon things, event or others we are giving away an essential part of ourselves. Number one, how does anybody or anything else know what makes you happy? It is just not possible. Two, how can someone else instill in our hearts an emotion? They can’t, pure and simple.



So how do we choose to be happy? Just that way, choose. Stand up, put your hand on your heart and repeat after me; “I now choose to be happy, now and from this time forth.” Simple to say, hard to do. So take look at yourself, what things make you smile, make you sing, laugh, giggle, sigh with contentment? When do you feel happy and what are you doing, thinking, feeling and saying? Are you starting to get the picture? Only you can answer those types of questions, not your parents, not your very best girlfriend, not your spouse, nobody but you. Your happiness is your responsibility.



Grab a pen and paper and answer those questions. Finish this sentence stem, “Happiness is…” Sentence stems are designed for us to get at some of our beliefs. Write the stem at the top of the paper and just finish the sentence as many times as you can in 5 to 10 minutes; I’d be pleased if you just wrote for 2 minutes. Don’t think; just finish the stem. When you have finished these exercises you will have a list of things that make you feel happy and a look at what you believe about happiness.



Happiness is really quite a simple concept. Yet it is a complex principle or trait to achieve. We second-guess ourselves, we look for the negatives, we fear the future we don’t know. Michael de Montaigne says it this way: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.” At least 85% of what we worry about never happens, so just stop worrying and choose happiness.



Acceptance is the key to change. So don’t look for the perfect occasion, stop thinking that when things are different then I can try to be happy. I can almost guarantee that if you are not happy with things now you will not be happy when things are the way you want them. Virginia Woolf said that we should “arrange what pieces come our way.” Take what life gives us. My wife has a sign on our fridge that says, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.”



Back to the couples that come in to our office basically flat. You are a perfect person, you have infinite worth, nothing, nothing you can do will ever change that. As such a wondrous creature, you deserve to be happy, you are entitled to the best that life has to offer. Do not settle for anything less. As the song says, “Don’t worry, be happy.”



Do this and you will have fun, fun, fun and there will be no until.



Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach


Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course


Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples


Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine