The Danger of Having to be Right

There is a danger of getting stuck in our own position and perception and believing that we are “right.” The danger in having to be right lies in the build up of resentment that is caused by bulldozing your partner's opinions and feelings. When you have to be right, it means that you have to make your partner wrong. It does not matter what kind of face you paint on it, how helpful your tone, how carefully you explain, if you are consistently making your partner wrong it puts a huge strain on your relationship.


Take a look at the shoulds in your life. Consider which of these shoulds are based on principle and which are preferences. The next time you find yourself wagging your finger at your partner, actually or figuratively, stop and ask yourself, “Is this should based on a principle or a preference?” “Where does this should come from?” and “How is fighting for this should affecting my relationship?”


There are few things in this world that are absolutes. When you pick your battles make sure that they are based on principle not preference. Principles are worth defending; preferences are not, they are simply preferences and everyone is entitled to their own. When you accept and allow your partner to have and express their own opinions, without making them wrong, you validate them. Validation helps people to feel less defensive and more open. When you are willing to really listen to and try to understand your partner's perspective, without being judgmental or condescending, it is likely that your partner will then be more willing to listen to your point of view.


When you can only see the world from your perspective, there is no room for growth and no room for closeness. To feel really close to someone means accepting them as they are, not as you judge them to be, but seeing them at their best and making a sincere effort to see things from their perspective. Remember that their being different also does not make you wrong. Differences are what makes life interesting. Be willing to let go of having to be right and enjoy the differences.


“A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” —Alexander Pope

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Construction

‘The trouble with Doomsday is that we may not recognize the Doom when we are shown it or know the Day when it finally arrives.” Orgill & Gribbin

For a lot of couples the above quote is true about their relationship. We see a lot of couples where one of them is saying, “I don’t know why we’re here,” and the other is saying, “I’m done.” Some people have a hard time recognizing that their partner is upset, hurt, frustrated, lost or confused and needing to get some things resolved. They just keep their head down and keep on keeping on without realizing their partner is not satisfied with what is happening in the relationship.

Some of us, dare I say it, mostly men, don’t even recognize it, realize it or accept it when their partner tells them, shows them or threatens them with the truth, as they see it, about the relationship. In other words “not recognize the Doom when we are shown it.” We have plenty of couples coming with one or the other saying, “I’ve been telling you forever that if it didn’t get better I was out.” A lot of these ones don’t “know the Day when it finally arrives.”

So, how to stop all of this from happening at all? Build your relationships like you would build a house. Site preparation, solid foundations, walls and roof. And like any good house you need regular maintenance to keep it top shape and functioning as a warm and inviting home. Perhaps a little landscaping to keep it pretty.



Site preparation: in constructing a house the site is prepared first before any construction begins. The debris and garbage and overfill are removed to allow for the building of a solid foundation. In your relationship it is much the same. As individuals you need to clear away the debris; this would include dealing with all past relationships so you are not bringing these issues into your new relationship – a good, long lasting relationship is made of up only two people, not your past. Get rid of all your garbage, deal with those sticky issues from parents and childhood, check out your beliefs and expectation, these are the overfill in our lives.

Solid, strong foundations: respect, honesty, love and acceptance, these are all things that help solidify your relationship. Others are friendship, understanding and patience and so on and so on. As in a house if the foundations are suspect the house may shift, crack and even in some cases fall over. When the foundation supporting the relationship is strong and deep you can withstand some pretty severe storms. Most of the things that underpin your relationship are the things that, when you come to us, are in trouble. We hear, “I don’t feel respected,” “I love her but I’m not in love with her,” He is always angry or frustrated,” and of course “I’m not even sure if I still like him.”

Walls are the part of the house that protect us from the elements and keep us safe; in a relationship these are called boundaries. Walls keep the world out of our home and boundaries keep the world out of our business. A strong and healthy boundary, well constructed and maintained gives us permission to say “No” and allow us to say “Yes.” Our personal boundaries are our business just as we have rooms in a house that are ours; couple boundaries organize our family and alone time. In a sense they give us a safe place to come home to.

The roof is held up by the walls, and help to keep us dry and warm, in a relationship shared experiences, goals and visions do the same thing. All couples should be continuously constructing those shared memories, both happy and not so happy ones; it is the latter that really binds us together. You should be looking at setting mutual and individual goals and working on developing a vision for your relationship. Goals and visions, like shingles should have a fifty-year plus guarantee.

Landscaping: this is the fun stuff in your relationship. For your house landscaping sets it off, shows it off, makes it uniquely yours. The things you do in your relationship to have fun, travel, working together, relaxing, movies, dancing, dining – in or out, making out and making up and shared hobbies are what help to set your relationship off and show it off. The landscape of your house is a very important part of your home; it defines your individual tastes and your combined likes. The fun part of relationships do exactly the same thing.

Regular maintenance is essential to the strength of your home and its integrity. Regularly focusing on keeping your relationship vibrant, exciting and healthy protects the strength of the bond between the two of you; it protects the integrity of the relationship. This is the commitment you both made to each other; but it is just as important to commit to making your relationship worth committing to. How? First the physical health of both of you is essential so start and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Emotional health is just as important, if not more important.

Here is where you can support the other if there are health issues or the children have health issues. This is where you both feel safe and at home when you are together. How to maintain the emotional health of your relationship requires some time and effort. Deal with the little issues before they become major fights. Talking about fights, learn how and practice fighting fair. Always be respectful and loving.

Choose to love your partner no matter what and in spite of your anger, frustrations and hurt feelings. This is so important. What usually happens is we withdraw our love when we fight thus, giving us more of what we don’t want. Love is a choice so choose to love, no matter what else comes. Be honest with your love and with your lover, don’t mistreat them, lie to them or give them the “silent treatment.” Remember, talking is the only adult way to deal with issues and to process them.

So build your love, build it strong. It protect you and yours.

“You can’t do it alone. It takes two to see one.” Leo Buscaglia

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine