“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

Too often in relationships there are far too many shoulds and have tos and not enough cooperation and growth. Without change, relationships stagnate and die.

If we are open to asking questions, open to really getting to know our selves and each other, if we are open to learning relationship skills, practicing and experimenting to find what works well for us in our relationship. If we refuse to accept setbacks as failure and look for the lessons in disappointment and frustration.

Then we can grow stronger together, rather than growing apart in our relationships.

Being open to change means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to accept that we may not know all the answers and that there may be more than one way to get what we need and want in our relationship. Being open to change means being accepting and respectful of other peoples truth, especially our partners'.

The most powerful change we can make is to change our mind. When we change our mind we can create lasting change in our relationship. Changing the way we see ourselves, our partner, and our problems can transform our lives.

Some relationship enhancing changes to make:

Change negative thought patterns to positive thought patterns

Change the need to control to the desire to cooperate

Change rejection to acceptance

Change judgement to forgiveness

Change stagnation to growth

Change boredom to awe and fascination

Change withholding love to choosing to be generous

Change anger to curiosity

Change indifference to attentive caring

Change anxiety to calmness

Change selfishness to gratitude

Be open to change. The most important change you will ever make is to change your attitude to one that builds and strengthens your relationships. Embracing positive change rather than demanding security will make your relationship more lasting. Perhaps security is a little like happiness; in that you have to give up trying to make it happen in order to find it.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Bobby McFerrin's song, Don't Worry, Be Happy, may make the perfect mantra for lasting relationships. The better you feel about your life and about your self the better your relationships will be. The more you can choose to be happy in spite of difficult circumstances, frustrations, disappointments; the more you can see the glass as half full instead of half empty; the more satisfying your relationships will be.

Troubled relationships frequently end up in a downward spiral because people are problem-oriented rather than solution-oriented. Resentments build, grudges multiply, and score keeping abounds. In struggling relationships, a lot of problems are magnified because they are so busy focusing on the problems and what is wrong with the other person and their relationship, that the the positive aspects of the relationship or the other person are forgotten. They are holding the problems so close to their eyes that reality is distorted and their view of possible solutions is obstructed.

For example, if you have a pebble in your shoe, that tiny irritant can ruin your walk. Complaining about it, blaming others for it, becoming resentful and frustrated does not improve your experience. What can improve your experience is being solution focused by stopping and taking time to shake the pebble out of your shoe before continuing with your walk.

Remember that within your relationship, the other person is not the pebble in your shoe. They are not the problem and probably feel there is a pebble in their shoe as well. Consider that the two of you are on the same team and that you want to be hard on the problem, while being easy on each other.

There are two tools that you can use to help shake the pebbles out of your relationship, gratitude and forgiveness. Gratitude gets your mind off of what is wrong and onto what is right. You focus on what you have learned from an experience and how you have benefitted rather than on how you are suffering. Remember, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

It is not time that heals emotional wounds, love and forgiveness heal emotional wounds. Begin by loving and forgiving yourself and continue by loving and forgiving each other. One person can start to turn the relationship around by changing their focus to being solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine