How to Improve Communication

Clear communication is vital for any healthy relationship. The most frequent concern that I hear as a marriage counselor is that couples are struggling with communication. One or both of them is not feeling heard or understood. Frustration and resentment builds. Poor communication can be taxing on any relationship.

Below are some tips for keeping your lines of communication open and working well:

· NEVER compare (especially to your mother/father, past girl/boyfriends),

· Describe what you see, hear or feel, DO NOT throw blame at your partner,

· Be specific, avoid “never” and “always,” DO NOT globalize,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT assume you know or mind read,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT plan what you are going to say,

· Be open minded, there may be several right ways, DO NOT condemn,

· Listen to understand your partner, DO NOT focus only on what you want to hear,

· Make eye contact and pay attention to your partner, DO NOT zone out,

· Let your partner finish speaking, DO NOT interrupt with "that reminds me of,"

· Allow your partner to row his/her own boat, DO NOT give advice unless asked,

· Say what you mean and mean what you say, DO NOT leave partner open to misunderstandings,

· Be considerate, DO NOT simply disagree to disagree or say I do not like your way because it is not my way,

· Be authentic, say what you mean, DO NOT agree just to keep the peace,

· Stick to the issue, DO NOT dump a huge pile of past issues on your partner,

· Speak for yourself, DO NOT speak for your partner,

· It's Okay to make mistakes, choose happiness and harmony over being "right."

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

It Takes Effort

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It Takes Effort

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Andrew Carnegie

When we first enter into our relationship we have these dreams and hopes about how it is going to be. We see the future as bright and sunny with nary a cloud on the horizon. It takes only a few years, if things are going well, to find that perhaps our dream is not happening. There are clouds and more than a few and they are not on the horizon, they are here and guess what it's raining. Now what? Is our relationship over, are we done? Unfortunately in today's disposable world many people think so and end their relationship at the first sign of storm clouds.

Any relationship will have days when there is no sunshine, when the clouds threaten to overpower us. No relationship is easy all the time, every relationship needs some effort, needs some TLC. As the Carnegie quote above teaches us any relationship worth having is worth working for. When talking about our marriage it seems somewhat daunting or awkward to say it needs work. Work usually means doing hard things, things we "have" to do, sometimes things we really don't want to do.

Relationship work can be all of the above but, it can also be fun, exciting and very rewarding. If there are issues affecting the relationship that are individual to one of the partners they need to address and deal with those, this can be that hard work. If there are resentments and problems between the two of you this can be hard to work out as well. For these kinds of things you might consider getting professional help.

Other types of relationship work can be fun and exciting. For example, understanding the differences between men and women is an exploration that can take a life time and be edifying and fun. To keep the connections strong and true in your relationship can be very fun and exciting. Dates are one way of doing just that and they are fun and can lead to "excitement" later. Most of relationship work involves just living in the moment, being present and being aware of what is going on in your and your partner's life.

The author Nora Roberts wrote this piece of wisdom in one of her novels: "Doing nothing sometimes hurts more than doing something." If we go through life and our relationship doing nothing, guess what will happen in that relationship. You're right; nothing will happen and I can tell you that can hurt. Putting our partner's needs and desires on an even plane as our own is one example of working on your relationship. It's rewards are that our partner feels and understands that they are important and equal with us, that we desire their fulfillment as much as we desire our own.

Anything worth having, as in a great relationship with the one we love, is worth working for. Worth caring about, worth looking for the win-win in every situation. It's about respect and dignity, about caring and sharing, about doing the things that we know should be done and finding out things we don't know about and doing them as well. Love is a great gift that we having been given. But we need to understand that it comes with responsibilities. Accept the love, accept the responsibilities.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C, M.P.C.P
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine