One Plus One Does Equal Two

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one also be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone,
though they quiver to the same music.
Gibran

The most important thing about couples is that they are made up of individuals. There needs to be separateness to the relationship as well as the desired and sought after togetherness. This seems to be paradoxical; we cannot be two things at once. That fact is not only true, but absolutely essential. We cannot be two separate and together at the same time.

This, it would seem, indicates that couples are together, one unit, however, that is not true. What the reality is we are two separate, complete and whole individuals who have chosen to be together. There is a difference. That difference is the all-important ability to chose for one self.

Healthy relationships are made by a conscious decision, with lots of forethought. In a truly loving and wholesome relationship there is an element of rational, cool-headed and warm-hearted choice. That is how we make good and proper choices; we really think about the pros and cons, we look at all the possible consequences, and we make a choice among the possibilities. Next, we listen to our hearts; does this choice feel right, are we happy with the logical decision we’ve made and if so stick to that choice, cool head warm heart.

Why is this so important, this being one and choosing to be together? The answer lies in the definition of love. Scott Peck defines love in his marvelous book the Road Less Traveled as, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” By this definition we are truly individuals in a relationship of two.

To seek out spiritual growth, either for ourselves or for another is a quest of a “whole” person. One who is healthy and complete on his or her own. This is where the choice comes in. I am complete by myself, I need no one else to be happy or complete or whole thus, I choose to be with another because I want to not because I need to.

In our marriage preparation class we teach that it takes two whole and complete, healthy individual to make one whole, complete and great marriage. Peck states, “love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

There are some individuals who seem to have no choice in the matter. You’ve heard them. “I’m not myself without you. You complete me. I can’t live without you.” Romantic, yes but unhealthy. If this is literally true, if you do not feel complete without the other, then this relationship is destined for trouble. Your partner can never make you feel whole or complete. You become an emotional vampire sucking the life force right out of your “loved” one. “We do not have to love. We choose to love.” Big, big difference, huge difference, being healthy versus being unhealthy. Happiness versus despair and anguish.

When there are two individuals in one happy relationship then as the poet Gibran has said “they quiver to the same music.” Not only do they quiver to the same music, together they make music.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Overcoming Fear In Relationships

Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing.

When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.

The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life. We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us.

We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.

It is important to take complete responsibility for meeting our own needs and learn to completely love and accept our selves. The more love and acceptance we have for our selves the less fearful we will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine