Life Or Not; It’s Your Choice

“In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert Schweitzer

Our life as a couple is full of excitement, drama, pain, frustration, boredom, trauma, fun and every kind of human emotion there is. I know this because as a counselor I have seen clients go through and experience them all. These emotions are important because they let us know we are alive. Even pain and heartache are indicators of life.

The worse kind of human experience is “not existing.” Not feeling anything for our self or for our partner is being a kind of emotional zombie. We can kill any emotions in ourselves and in our partners by ignoring them, belittling them, treating them with distain, not acknowledging their existence, treating them causally and giving them the silent treatment. This is the worse kind of insult one human being can give another.

Some times these feelings and emotions can be lost because we get complacent, do not put in the time and effort necessary to keep our love alive. Neglect is a common form of emotional homicide. But it is not all terrible. We, as emotional beings, are very resilient. Given a chance we bounce right back and begin to feel our emotions, to be alive again.

In order for us to be happy and alive we need to give of ourselves. Share ourselves with our partners. They need to be with us in our happy times and in our sad times. They want to share life’s precious journey with us. Shared unhappiness, grieving and pain the lifeblood of a relationship. When we trust our partner, not only with the good things in our life, but with the heartaches, heartbreaks, sadness, frustration, anger, pain, shame and guilt we give them the ultimate gift, our life and our love.

When couples pull together and support each other through life’s landmines and roadblocks they come out the other side happier, stronger with a more mature and committed love for each other. We should be grateful when our loved ones want to share all of our life and to share theirs with us. As human beings we crave the company and companionship of others. In fact if we don’t get it, it can actually cause severe emotional harm and stress.

As the quote from Schweitzer above states we can burst into flame when we feel alive, truly alive because someone wants us to be there with them. Life is, as Woody Allan says, better than the alternative. Life is worth it no matter what the pain and discomfort it also brings. So live your life to its largest possible potential, breathe it in with every breath you take, celebrate the good and happy times and live the unhappiness and pain, experience it, grow with and through it. Live.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Old Enough To Know Better

In answer to the question, “What is the best thing about being a woman over forty?” a friend quoted her 90-year-old Grandmother who said, “Being old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.”

As women mature they often begin to come into their own, they become more confident, willing to take risks—to calm their fears and go for it.

While on vacation this year in the Dominican Republic we took part in some tours that a woman pushing 50 might be old enough to know better but young enough to do anyway. One was horseback riding. I had not been on a horse for over 30 years and had only ever ridden a few times awkwardly. My husband and friends lined up with the experienced riders and wanting to stay with them I got into that line as well. My horse was sad and tired looking, but had a mind of his own.

The first few times he started to run, I was rather terrified and pulled on the reins to stop him, which made him none too happy as he danced and pulled his head from side to side which was scarier for me than the running.

At some point I decided that if I wanted to enjoy this ride I was going to have to make friends with my horse, so to speak, I was going to have to trust that he would get me to where I needed to go, I would have to work with him rather than against him.

I discovered as I did this that he would only run a short distance before he would slow down again and at times when I thought he was getting off track he was only choosing a less mucky path.

There were still a few times when I encouraged him to stay close to the trail, but as I relaxed and stopped trying to control him, I think we both had a much more enjoyable ride. Except for my very sore legs and behind—there was a significant amount of pain involved, but that experience of coming to a place of peace on the back of a horse is not one that I would trade. It’s not one I want to repeat anytime soon, but it is an experience I will always treasure.

I think that often in life, we try too hard to control things that are beyond our control. We are afraid that if we don’t things will not work out the way we want. The problem is that all this fussing just increases our stress and often leads to frustration anyway.

When we relax and stop trying to control our lives and go with the flow rather than against it, we can enjoy the ride more. Coming to a state of peace in our lives means that we can allow, invite and accept the best into our lives—instead of worrying more problems into existence.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine