Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

Every couple has needs for time alone and time together. The strength of each of these needs many vary greatly. Some may be much more inclined to time alone and others to time together. This difference in level of needs can become a bone of contention in relationships where one person craves time alone and the other craves time together. Often people find themselves vacillating between wanting time together and wanting time apart. Frequently the rhythms simply do not match. When one wants to be close the other wants space and visa versa. Learning to dance with the rhythm rather than fight against it creates harmony rather than dissonance.

There are times when it is important to be there for your partner, to validate and support. Times to reach out and connect. There are times when it is vital to make time for what is important to your partner.

There are also times when it is best to step back and allow your partner some space. Times when it is important to hang on to yourself and take control of your emotions, rather than letting your emotions take control of you. Take a deep breath, relax and accept that time alone is what your partner either needs or wants at this minute. Realize that you can give this to them as a gift, that you do not have to feel threatened.

Allowing each other space and time when needed and being there to support when needed will strengthen your relationship. The trick is to recognize what time it is. Is it time to draw close or is it time to create space? Domenico Cieri Estrada said, “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”

If you find yourself cranky and out of sorts, you may want to step back and take a deep breath. Identify what is going on for you. Learn to sooth yourself and don’t take frustrations about work or life out on your partner.

If you find that your partner is cranky and out of sort and listening to them and validating their feelings is not working, then it may be time to simply say, “I’m here if you want to talk.” And walk away. But walk away with peace in your heart. Know that it is okay for them to feel however they feel and it is okay for them to need time to themselves. Stop worrying and allow them to sooth themselves.

Becoming skilled at knowing when to come close and when to walk away, means becoming less reactive and more supportive as partners.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage Laffs - Keeping You Happy

Marriage is tough enough without being able to laugh a little, cry a little, heal a little and feel loving time and again. So here are some quotes to help you think a little, laugh a little and reflect on your marriage.

"I Love You,
Not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you,
not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
Roy Croft

"A wise woman will always let her husband have her way." Richard Brinsley Sheridan

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson

"Woe to the house where the hen crows and the rooster keeps still." Spanish proverb

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner

"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." Harlan Miller

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip

"My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me." Jon Bon Jovi

"If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it." Ezra Bowen

"A husband always prefers his wife's mother-in-law to his own." Anonymous

"One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour." M. M. Musselman

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - unknown quote

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." Joyce Brothers

"Remember, you married her, you didn't hire her!" Dr Phil

"Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside." Frank Pittman

"If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because they take better care of it." Cecil Selig

"The grass looks greener . . . but it's Astroturf."

"Friends don't let friends get divorced." Diane Sollee

"A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with one's husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life achieve it." Anne Morrow Lindbergh

These I Can Promise
Author Unknown
"I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow."

Perhaps this seems a little bit of a strange way of giving some marriage advise or encouragement but these short quotes carry a ton of wisdom in them. Perhaps an unappreciated bit of wisdom here is to not take yourselves to seriously. Enjoy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine