How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

Do you feel like your partner does not listen to a word you say? Are you frustrated, feeling like there is no point in even trying?

When you feel like you were not being heard, consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core? Words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart.

Check to see if your word and behavior may be encouraging your partner not to listen. The following are ways to talk so that your partner will not listen:

Use Sarcasm
Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.
Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Brutally Honest
Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Be Harsh and Judging
Complaining is one of the best ways to get your partner to tune out or stop listening. Judging harshly builds resentment and encourages him/her to tune out. Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore.

Tease Mercilessly
At times people try to disguise meanness by saying, “I’m just kidding.” Mean is mean and saying I’m teasing does not make it any less mean. Thinking that your partner should “suck it up,” or “have a thicker skin” shows a lack of respect for his/her feelings. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of teasing and a wedge is driven between partners, creating greater distance over time.

Considering how to talk so your partner will not listen may help you to identify behaviors that are destructive to your relationship. If you see yourself in any of the above, it may be time to try something different.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Celebrate Your Love

“Great love is built on great sacrifice and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love.” Harold B Lee

At this Christmas time of year we are driven to give gifts to others. It sometimes seems that we almost believe that the bigger, the more expensive or the larger the amount of what we give proves our love. What I would like to discuss here is a gift that requires no money and no stressful evenings at the mall. The gift I would like to suggest this year is you.

As Harold B Lee stated above the giving of ones’ self is the basis of a great and abiding love. When we give of ourselves from the heart we tend to grow and swell with a positive, empowering love and that also includes a self-love. Service increases our feelings of worth; it enriches our own sense of esteem. We become better. It has been said that the best way out of a depression, a way to rid you of the blues is to find someone else to serve and do it.

So we need to serve our partners and why would we not want to, we profess to love him/her. We hear so often in counseling; “I don’t know if I believe him/her when s/he says ‘I love you.’ I want to believe and trust that to be true but I don’t know if I can.” So how to do we prove it? By showing it, our actions and our behavior should be congruent with our words, then our partners can begin to believe our love for them.

Where to start? As stated before in this ezine; acceptance is the birthplace of change. We need to accept what is, is. Arthur Rubinstein stated: “Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” The place to start is to accept yourself as you are and then give your partner that same gift.

Because as Dr. Robert Anthony said; “True love depends on true freedom. Only those who are free can afford to love without reservation.” This is a two-sided observation. One deals with ourselves and our view of our self. The other deals with our partner and what we expect of him/her. If we put conditions on our love (I will love you when you make more money or when you are in better shape or whatever condition we apply) we are not allowing them to be truly free. Conditions restrict our behavior, our creativity, our expressions and with conditions we are not free to be who we really are. So the first gift would be to love each other unconditionally.
Now we should deal with our own view of ourselves. What does that have to do with giving a gift to our partner? Well if you bought them a coffee maker and it didn’t work would you not return it or fix it? Yes. When our view of ourselves is skewed, when our beliefs about our self worth is twisted, when our self-esteem is in the… well you know where then the gift of “our self” is broken. We need to fix it. Gift number two is to heal our selves, to grow in maturity and strength.

Next, we need to start to heal our relationship, to grow it, to bring it to maturity. And that starts with forgiveness. Hannah Arendt said it best; “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” Remember that we can’t truly love unless we are truly free. Holding grudges and hurt or hard feelings is binding us in the past; we are not free to grow and to love. Gift number three is to forgive each other and our selves.

How about a stocking stuffer? Paul Sweeney says that, “a wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies on any given year.” We need to understand we don’t fall in love or out of love. Love is a verb and action word signifying a choice. We choose to love or not. So put that in his or her stocking, the choice you have made to love them.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy your lives together; celebrate the season by celebrating your love.

“If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.” Norman Vincent Peale.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Your Relationships By Behaving Like a Grown-up

If people treated each other as equals and behaved like adults in their relationships, a lot of relationship problems would be so much easier to solve. Don’t get discouraged if you recognize that you and or your partner do not always behave maturely when dealing with each other. In many ways our relationships provide us with excellent growth opportunities.

Emotional maturity means that we take control of our emotions, rather that letting our emotions run us. Emotional intelligence is an important part of creating a healthy and lasting relationship. Increasing our emotional maturity can help us in many ways. It will reduce the stress we feel in our relationships, it will help us to be healthier physically and emotional and it will improve the quality and success of our relationships and our life.

Signs of emotional maturity:
• Awareness of your own needs and wants
• Secure sense of self
• Ability to be vulnerable and give and receive love
• Willingness to sacrifice for others
• Empathy for others
• Impulse control (thinking before acting)
• Willingness to be accountable for your own actions, words and thoughts
• Willing to face problems and seek solutions
• Enjoys life, takes a positive approach and learns from mistakes
• Lives with integrity (being true to our values)
• Ability to handle difficult situations
• Solution rather than blame oriented
• Hard on problems and easy on people
• Ability to wait patiently and defer gratification

Becoming emotionally mature is a life-long process. Here are some ideas for improving emotional maturity:
1. Get to know and love yourself
2. Experiment with daily acts of kindness
3. Learn to cooperate rather than control
4. Find a mentor or a good example to follow
5. Find a cause; commit to something bigger than yourself

The benefits of improving our emotional maturity will show up in our relationship with our self, with our loved ones and with the world. Life will be more peaceful, enjoyable and fulfilling.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If You Love Them: Say It And Do It

If you love them, tell them. Perhaps you say, but I grew up in a family where, “I love you” was not expressed. It may feel awkward to say I love you. You may tend to use this as a convenient excuse for remaining silent. However, it is possible to choose to say it, even if it was not something that you heard as a child. You can be the one to establish a new pattern for your self. Open your mouth and tell the people that you love, that you love them. You will be pleasantly surprised that the awkwardness will fade with practice.

You also have to do more than say you love your partner or your family. You must show it. Your words, your actions and even your thoughts need to be loving. If we say I love you and then treat others disrespectfully or uncaringly, the “I love you” has a hollow ring. Saying I love you becomes meaningless if it is not backed up with loving words and actions.

It is the little thoughtful things that we say, do and think on a consistent basis that make our relationships strong and lasting. There is never a good reason for treating strangers better than we treat each other. Courtesy and respect are essential.

It is easy to behave lovingly, when you feeling loving. The challenge comes when you do not feel particularly loving. It takes self-discipline to be courteous and respectful when we are cranky, frustrated or upset. Behaving like adults and talking things out early, before we lose our cool can help to keep tempers in check.

If we slip, an apology is in order. Remember that hateful things done or spoken in anger are forever burned into the other persons mind. Apologies are great, but it is better to hold on to yourself in the first place and choose to show love rather than something less.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Recently I watched a movie were a young guy for one reason or the other left his fiancee standing at the altar during their wedding day. So In the process of healing from a broken relationship this girl had to go through hell for six years looking for her ex . When she finally found him she made up her mind to revenge in one way or the other and finally she died in the process.
Healing from a broken relationship is a tough thing to do, but the good news is, it can be done. You just need to understand the process and allow yourself the time that you need.

One of the first things to remember is there is no time limit. It will take you as much time as it takes you, period. There is no set rule on how long it should take you, though you still should be making some forward progress after a few months. You may be a long way from being back to normal, but you should be starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

One word of caution, though: if you don't seem to be making any progress at all, you may want to hire a therapist to help you through the worst of it. Sometimes having an objective third party who can offer unbiased advice is a good way to help us jumpstart our recovery. It may even help speed the process along a little, and who wouldn't want that?

Another thing you can do to help speed things along is find yourself. This may sound like strange advice but in most relationships you will lose a little of yourself. This seems to be particularly common with women. It's easy to become a 'we' and lose a little 'me'. And a little of that isn't a bad thing, but once the relationship has ended it's time to get your 'me' back.

This process will help you heal and grow. It will remind you that there was a time when you were happy without your ex. This 'reawakening' can be a very exciting time and it can help dull at least some of the pain you're feeling since the breakup. If nothing else, it will give you something to occupy your mind with.

Spending time with family and friends will help you enormously too. Surrounding yourself with people who love you will help you stay strong. When in the midst of a bad breakup it's easy to forget that you will be happy again. It can be hard to see past that black hole, but if you're with your family and friends they will help you feel the love that you are missing from your ex.

While this isn't the time to wallow, it might not be a bad idea to remind yourself of the things in the relationship that made you unhappy, or mad, or both. You don't want to dwell on the relationship too much at this point but reminding yourself of the bad times might help you gain a little clarity and move the healing process along a little bit.

No matter how you choose to go about it, just remember that healing from a broken relationship is possible. You will get through it and you will find love and happiness again. If you learn from your past relationship you can take that knowledge with you into your next relationship which will help make that relationship even better. Just hang in there.his girl had to suffer with this anger for 6 years latter.After which she found this guy who left her on the alter and in the process of trying to get revenge got killed. Well it is just a movie i guess they had a massage to pass across.

Healing from a broken relationship is a tough thing to do, but the good news is, it can be done. You just need to understand the process and allow yourself the time that you need.

One of the first things to remember is there is no time limit. It will take you as much time as it takes you, period. There is no set rule on how long it should take you, though you still should be making some forward progress after a few months. You may be a long way from being back to normal, but you should be starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

One word of caution, though: if you don't seem to be making any progress at all, you may want to hire a therapist to help you through the worst of it. Sometimes having an objective third party who can offer unbiased advice is a good way to help us jumpstart our recovery. It may even help speed the process along a little, and who wouldn't want that?

Another thing you can do to help speed things along is find yourself. This may sound like strange advice but in most relationships you will lose a little of yourself. This seems to be particularly common with women. It's easy to become a 'we' and lose a little 'me'. And a little of that isn't a bad thing, but once the relationship has ended it's time to get your 'me' back.

This process will help you heal and grow. It will remind you that there was a time when you were happy without your ex. This 'reawakening' can be a very exciting time and it can help dull at least some of the pain you're feeling since the breakup. If nothing else, it will give you something to occupy your mind with.

Spending time with family and friends will help you enormously too. Surrounding yourself with people who love you will help you stay strong. When in the midst of a bad breakup it's easy to forget that you will be happy again. It can be hard to see past that black hole, but if you're with your family and friends they will help you feel the love that you are missing from your ex.

While this isn't the time to wallow, it might not be a bad idea to remind yourself of the things in the relationship that made you unhappy, or mad, or both. You don't want to dwell on the relationship too much at this point but reminding yourself of the bad times might help you gain a little clarity and move the healing process along a little bit.

What ever happens i personally will love you to know that you will get through it and you will find love and happiness again.No matter how you choose to go about it, just remember that healing from a broken relationship is possible.Just hang in there.If you learn from your past relationship you can take that knowledge with you into your next relationship which will help make that relationship even better and long lasting.

Do you know where love relationship advice or tips is most often very important in your relationship?Most often it is very easy to find love but then it is difficult more so it is a challenge often to be able to make it last. It is actually very possible to keep your love for each other very strong. It can be very easy and possible if both partners can understand why a relationship falls apart and make sure you, and your partner, avoid those traps. That's where love relationship advice comes in handy in a relationship.

With the advent of online dating sites there are more ways than ever to meet 'the one'. It's a much better method than cruising the bar scene looking for someone special. For most couples the first few months is pretty easy. You are falling in love and you think the other person is perfect. You can see no wrong in them or what they do. And maybe there isn't anything wrong with the way they, or you, act in the early stages of a relationship.

They say that familiarity breeds contempt and if that's true it would go a long way to explaining why the longer a relationship goes on the more it tends to break down.

Here is a list of some of the things you, and your partner, need to be on the lookout for in your relationship. These are common traps that many couples fall into without realizing it. If you know what to watch out for and can avoid these mistakes you will have a much better chance of keeping your relationship strong and healthy for a long time:

1. Unrealistic expectations.

As I said above we think our new love can do no wrong. As our relationship slowly changes from falling in love to being in love and all the day to day stresses and mundane tasks we must face, it's easy to lose some of that early 'glow'. This can be a pivotal time in many relationships, sometimes the couple will think that they just don't love each other anymore and break up.

In reality, in any long term relationship, you will spend a much longer time in this 'normal' mode than you will in the early 'glow' mode. It's important to recognize that this is all a normal progression in an adult relationship.

2. Inability to effectively communicate.

Men and women express themselves differently...that's just the way it is. The good news is that you can learn to communicate with your partner effectively, if you're willing to take some time to learn how. The whole 'it's a guy thing' or 'it's a girl thing' is only true to a point, and is largely just a cop out. In reality any mature, intelligent adult should be able to learn how to talk to their partner, and even more importantly, listen to their partner. The real question is do you care enough about your partner and the relationship to take the time?

3.Don't confuse sex with love.

This may sound obvious but men and women tend to look at sex in different ways. Women, for example, tend to look at sex as a way to connect with someone they love on a deeper physical level. Yes, it's pleasurable, but the pleasure isn't just physical it's emotional as well.

Men tend to look at sex as definition of who they are as a man. For them too, it's pleasurable but it's also a way to prove their desirability and masculinity. Sometimes when a relationship gets to the 'comfortable' stage this difference in views about sex can create problems. If one partner doesn't seem sexually interested in the other partner it can create severe stress on the relationship.

If your relationship gets to this point, it might help if you and your partner can remember that sex is only one small component of every thing your relationship is made up of. While for many couples, having an active sex life is an important part of the relationship, it's important to understand that as you age and your relationship grows, it probably won't be quite as important as it once was. That doesn't mean your partner doesn't love you or find you attractive, it's just a fairly common way for long term relationships to go.

One of life's blessings is being able to make a deep, long lasting, connection with another person I hope this love relationship advice will help you hold on to the love you've found. Make your connection last by learning how to avoid the pitfalls of some relationships.

Although all relationships are different,there are usually similar when it comes to those warning signs of a breakup which by the way is always wise to look out for.knowing this signs will avoid your chances of splitting up with you lover.Below are the 3 warning signs of a break up

1) The first is the green light when your partner is ignoring you.

This does not mean that there is no talking or communication or any of that no,no, actually by ignoring I mean when every thing is still normal,when the light is still green,but your partner starts loosing interest in you.when they stop asking you how you are,what you are feeling or even were you were?

When this is happening stop for a while and think why your partner could be ignoring you? Have you forgotten his or her birthday or some other special event? Have you been less than loving lately? Is he or she feeling neglected? People usually react over something they feel has happened. This could just be their perception but as he or she is your lover and you should be trying to keep him/her happy, you need to understand his/her point of view.

So why not surprise your partner with a nice meal, sit down and ask them what is going on? Why are they grumpy, although I would probably phrase that question a little better! It could be that they are preoccupied with a problem totally outside your relationship. Communication between couples is not always what it should be; so try talking. Who knows where it may lead?

2) The Yellow light is when your partner doesn’t want to see you or go out with you.

If your lover suddenly becomes unavailable and too busy to see you, the red warning light should go on but wait . There most be a reason why they are avoiding you and you need to find out what that is. Don’t be a doormat or perhaps I should say bedmat. There is no excuse, for not facing your boyfriend or girlfriend, to find out why they think it is acceptable to behave like this. Whatever you do, do not ignore these signals or you could find yourself in receipt of a break up letter.

3) The worst is the Red light which is when your partner is distant in the bedroom

Though sex is only a 3 letter word, it can cause huge problems. Just ask any couple who has been together a long time. Sometimes your family or life’s issues can get in the way of your lovemaking. It is also a well known fact, that the initial burst of animal attraction usually doesn’t last, so not making love every night is quite normal. What is not normal is not being intimate for months on end. Couples are held together by shared emotions and feelings. So don’t underestimate the power of a cuddle.

Although sometimes your partners mood will have nothing to do with your actions,it is always important to note it as an indication of trouble brewing.I guess i am trying to say You should always know when your partner is happy and when he or she is not.Because until you start paying attention and looking out for the above warning signs of a breakup, you will soon find yourself newly single and thinking what most have gone wrong.

Am I In Or Am I Out?

Fear is something that we have all experienced to a greater or lesser extent. When we allow the fear of making a mistake to paralyze us we miss out on the opportunity to grow. Living life based on fear, breeds discontent. Some people are afraid to fully commit to the relationship that they have because they are constantly on the look out for what they might be missing. They, “what if” themselves to death.

They prevent themselves from creating a truly satisfying relationship by harboring this niggling doubt that maybe there is someone better out there somewhere. Any time things get a little rough in their relationship; they start to wonder if they have made a mistake. Any relationship where partners are only half is going to feel less than perfect.

Rather than endlessly searching for your soul mate, you may want to put your energy into creating a soul-mate relationship. The more you increase the intimate bonds in your relationship, the more you will feel like soul mates. There may be no perfect person for you. But you can build a great relationship despite being less than perfect for each other.

It is time to get down off the fence, what is it that you want out of your relationship? What are you willing to put into your relationship to help that happen? If you want someone who loves you unconditionally, then you must be willing to love unconditionally. If you want respect you must give respect.

Elbert Hubbard said, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually to be fearing you will make one.” Being fearless in your relationship isn’t about fighting dragons, it is about conquering self-doubt and self-sabotage. It is about being fully present in the relationship that you have. Become alive to the possibilities.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

This is a most read article for women who want to know why men leave relationships so they can learn to keep their relationship intact. Due to the misconceptions that are rooted from our society, we humans have the tendency to make things complicated than they already are


You most have heard the saying: "Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love". The problem is, that doesn't have to be the way it is. While there might be some truth to that it just perpetuates a common flaw in our way of thinking: that men want and need sex more than women and that sex is all men need to be happy.

That's simply not true. For the most part men and women have similar sex drives but our society, and really throughout history, men have been encouraged to 'sow their wild oats' and women have been told they have to be 'good girls'. So men are used to giving in to their desires and women are used to putting their desires on hold.

No wonder relationships seem like such a challenge! Half the population doesn't feel like they have any control over their urges and the other half feels like their urges are wrong!

For anyone who wants a stable loving relationship you will need to re-think many of the concepts you were brought up to believe. The truth is that anyone, men or women, will leave unfulfilled relationships and all but the shallowest people want to be fulfilled in many ways not just sexually.

In order to really have a loving long term relationship you need to have connections: physical, spiritual, and emotional. These are necessary for the success of any long term relationship. All people want to feel like they are accepted, understood, desired, and loved by their partners.

Most often relationships starts breaking up when one or more of these needs aren't met. So if you want to know why men leave relationships so you can prevent it from happening to you, it is important to connect with your man physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and both of you will be happy, fulfilled, and committed to the relationship forever.


Discover The secret to understanding men -- and using it to your advantage

Relationship Failure or Success—You Choose

Laurence Shames wrote, “Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they ‘re really not. They’re companions—the hero and the sidekick.” To have any real success in building an intimate relationship, we must be willing to risk failing.

How often does the fear of failure keep people from reaching their potential? The common defense mechanism, to not try in order to avoid failure, is a shabby defender at best.

We fool ourselves into believing that we do not care, that it is not important, or that we didn’t want it anyway to protect our ego from the uncomfortable feelings that accompany what we think of as failure. It is time to redefine failure—to change our perspective and accept that mistakes are an important part of life. Mistakes do not mean failure. Decide to restructure your thoughts. Learn to see mistakes in a positive light. Consider that there is no failure—there is only feedback.

The fear of failing stifles many otherwise promising relationships. The belief that relationships are doomed to fail, sets us up to watch for and amplify any little sign of trouble. With our radar set to pick up on any problems, we will easily find evidence to support our fears. Which makes us more vigilant, resulting in seeing more signs of trouble. We begin a downward spiral, which erodes our relationship.

Imagine the effect on a relationship if instead of fear, we had hope. What might happen if we set our radar to pick up on evidence of strength in our relationship? What if we watched for and amplified any little sign of success? We would inevitably find what we were looking for, leading to more hope. Take the challenge to create an upward spiral in your relationship. See problems as learning opportunities—information about what is not working and a chance to find something that does work.

Perhaps we could adopt the attitude of Edison, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If your wife or your girlfriend just left you, you may want to know "why women leave men." The truth is there can be several reasons and it is probably not what you may be thinking of.

In anylong term relationship things pile up. Little frustrations, hurts, insensitive remarks can all add up over a period of time and each little thing is like a brick in a wall. After a while you will have one very big wall. That's the point where one party will throw their hands up and say 'Enough!" and leave. The important thing is to make sure your relationship never gets to that point.

One thing you have to do is un-learn much of what you've been told about women and what they want. If you think women are needy, and high maintenance you need to re-evaluate your thinking (of course some women are that way, but not most of them). While this may sound stupid here is something you should try: stop thinking of your woman as a woman, instead think of her as a person. Treat her the same way you like people to treat you.

One of the biggest mistakes men make is they either treat their woman like a whore, a surrogate mommy, or they go to the complete opposite side of the spectrum and put her on a pedestal where they treat her like she's made of porcelain. The best thing to do is treat her like a human being: a unique individual that has her own mind, needs, and wants. Get to know the real woman, not the person you want her to be, or think she should be.

Don't lump all women together. Don't assume your wife or girlfriend likes a certain thing or should act a certain way just because some other woman (or your mom) does. More than likely you have several male friends. Do you treat each one of them the exact same way, or do you modify your behaviour (slightly) for each unique relationship you have?

Women leave men because they are unsatisfied in one way or another. Each relationship is different but at the end of the day your wife or girlfriend will leave because she is not getting enough of her needs met, it's as simple as that.

Most women want their husband or boyfriend to be a friend and confidant. They want someone who acts like they actually like them. Many men don't act like they even like their women and they certainly don't treat them like a trusted friend.

Women have sexual needs just like men. Our society has done a huge disservice to men and women because it tells men they have this huge sex drive and that it's ok to pick up women whenever they want to and that women have to be 'good girls' who will only have sex with their husband.

The fact of the matter is, that is not true. Women have the same sex drive as men, they are just conditioned to not act on it whenever the whim hits them. What women don't want is to think that their man only wants them for sex. Women will often disconnect from their men physically because even though they like sex they also like non-sexual physical contact and many men think they have to turn every incident of physical contact into a sexual encounter. After a while your woman won't even want you to touch her, and she'll find someone else.

So to avoid having your girlfriend or wife leave you may want to start by answering the question: "why women leave men?" Treating your girlfriend or wife like someone whom you like and love may be by following if not all, some of these simple relationship tips and you will see the difference in your relationship. It will last a life time plus you will be a happy man for ever no matter the crises you all pass through

Relationship Algebra

A good relationship is like an algebra equation. Both sides of the equation must be equal. An example would be:

Love + Integrity = Honesty + Trust

How does this work? If you have a strong sense of personal integrity, which you honor, and you love your partner within the bounds of that integrity you will receive trust in turn from your partner. She or he will trust you with their love, their intimate secrets and dreams. They know and feel your love for them and understand the depth of commitment your integrity allows you to forge. This fact alone allows them to be honest with you.

Honesty is not just being verbally truthful, not telling lies and not leaving things out, although that is a very important part of being honest. Honesty is also about giving your all to the relationship, not holding back waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It is about being there in the bad times and the good times. It is sharing both of those with the one you love.

Being honest means that you don’t sugar coat things to make them more palatable. You face up to your own fears and anxieties. You accept the responsibility of meeting your own needs and assisting your partner do the same. It means saying the hard things and doing the tough things when needed.

In any relationship it is all about balance and feeling equal. You want to have a happy successful relationship; do the math.

“A man content to go to heaven alone will never go to heaven.” Boethius

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

So can getting back together after a very long time apart work? That will really depend on how much you and your ex want it to happen and what caused the split up in the first place.If your friends and family are behind you, You are more likely to succeed.

Often we break up when we are young, as we are both immature and just don't know what we have; until we lose it. Other times we can kill off a relationship, because we relocate with our jobs or our families. Often the break up has nothing to do with the people involved just the timing or distance is wrong.

But sometimes there were specfic reasons why we broke up and if these reasons still exist, then you need to work out why you want to get back together. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but be aware that memories get distorted and you could be remembering events that didn't quite happen that way. Experts call this the "rose coloured glasses" effect.

However, if you are thinking of getting back together after a long time apart, there must be a physical and emotional attraction between the two of you. Physical attraction is great and this is what generally brings couples together initially. But unless it is accompanied or followed over time by an emotional connection, the physical stuff just isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

Long term successful partnerships are based on mutual respect, love and commitment. If you miss out any of these three key ingredients your chances of spending your twilight years together diminish. I know that Hollywood films would have you believe that a great romance is based on lust and physical attraction. You can be easily fooled into thinking the man just has to sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, real life isn't like that and you will have certain trials to face as a couple. A couple who are deeply committed to each other, on every level, is much more likely to survive the problems; real life throws at them.

Perhaps you two were together for a long time. Maybe you even had a family together before you split up. If this is the case, you need to be sure that you are getting back together for the right reasons and not because your kids want you to. Just as a couple should never stay with each other solely for the sake of their children, nor should they get romantically involved again for this reason.

Getting back together after a very long time apart usually can be very exciting . But it will be better to slow down things and who knows, may be marriage or a remarriage may just be waiting for you on the other site.

I wish you the best

When you and your partner are facing relationships difficulty at the best of times, may be an additional help is all you both need. So where can you find such a help for a troubled relationship?

If you and your partner are still speaking, why not make a date together at your favorite restaurant. A public place is great for a chat about your feelings as you are more likely to keep your temper under control. You cannot let your cosy chat descend into a shouting match or you will disturb the other diners.

Sometimes a little work and some private chats are all that is needed to sort out the troubles in a relationship. Life gets so busy that it is easy to lose track of our loved ones and to end up ignoring them or causing them to feel neglected. A few "couple only nights" may be all you both need to get back on track.

If you cannot talk alone, why not ask a trusted friend or family member to act as mediator. This can be a difficult step to take and not one that you should enter into lightly. You must pick someone who has the ability to act impartially. This is not the time for any third party to be taking sides.

What you are looking for is someone who can help you and your partner to talk openly about the problems you are having. Someone who has been in a long term relationship, for a long period of time, will probably better understand the difficulties a couple can face. Single people may understand the theory but not having had the practice will find it difficult to dispense advice.

Often it is not possible for you to find a suitable friend or family member so why not try couple counselling? People believe that these services are only available for married couples but that is not the case. There are some services dedicated to those that are married but others are for couples who live together or share time together.

Check your local phone directory to see what services are available. Be careful when choosing your advisor though. If possible, go on a personal recommendation. Your doctor or religious adviser may be able to help. Or ask your counsellor if they have clients who are willing to give them a testimonial.

It is much better if both of you meet the counsellor as it is important you are both comfortable talking to this person. You will be discussing intimate details and this is impossible if you do not like the counsellor. They will probably want to meet you together as a couple and perhaps separately as well. Find out how many meetings you will be expected to attend and when you are likely to see results.

The good thing about it all is that, if you both seek help for a troubled relationship, you both stand a better chance of solving your problems and going back to the happy couple you once were.

If you are someone that has had to suffer the sting of getting dumped by a boyfriend, you can trust that there are many around the world that feel your pain. Many right now are wondering exactly the same thing that you are.

If you want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back, there is one thing that you must understand right now. While you might definitely be able to get your lover back after time spent apart, what you need to realize right now is that there might be a chance that it never happens. There are many old clichés about love, but a lot of them do apply to situations where people have had love denied to them by someone that used to be integral to their lives. The best thing that you can do for your life is prepare yourself to move on if it turns out that your ex is gone for good. This is the healthiest solution for anyone of any gender in the situation of pursuing an ex.

If you’re determined to have your ex back and understand the risks mentioned above, here are some things that you can do in order to make that work.

For starters, the thing you must not do if you want to properly execute the plan is pester your ex. You wanted to know how to get your ex boyfriend back and this is exactly what the answer to that question is. The more you pester your former love, the more they will pull away from you. If you ever want to see them back in your life as that special someone, you need to give them breathing room and make them realize just how desirable you are. If they don’t make that realization, you will never have that connection with them again.

What’s the best way to help them along to this realization? Really, it is just to make yourself into a person that is very desirable. The good news here is that since your ex by definition already had to have been in a relationship with you before, they must find you desirable on some level. So the only work you need to do is make sure that you live generally happily and that you are warm and outgoing to others when you are in the presence of your ex. The more they see that you seem to have adjusted healthily to life without them, the more likely they are to want to be in your life again.

The same is true for when you manage to get a date with your ex once more. Many people at this point would be tempted to shift all the way back into relationship mode. That is a disaster that you must avoid at all costs. Continue with the plan and you’ll have the best chance of producing the results that you want. This is not a sure method for getting your ex lover back, but it is definitely the one that has the best odds of working.

Relationships: Avoid Criticism

For most people it is much easier to confess the faults of others that to admit to their own.

When we make a habit of finding fault with our family and friends, we will limit their ability to share themselves with us. It is not pleasant to share your thoughts and feelings with someone who feels the need to point out every flaw. People who are overly critical of others often find themselves bitter and lonely. Others simply do not enjoy being around them and often choose to stay away.

We may claim as Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond, that we criticize out of love, however the result will be the same. Relationships will be strained and eventually disintegrate. Make it your motto to only offer advice to those who ask. Choose to focus on what others are doing right, rather than on what they are doing wrong.

A Dutch Proverb said it best: “Our faults irritate us most when we see them in others.” The next time you feel the urge to criticize someone else, stop and take a close look within. Then smile and find something nice to say.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Writing letters, text messages, e-mails and using other forms of text-based correspondence is what many will use when trying to get an ex-lover to fall in love with them again.But the question is, Is writing letters to get your ex back really a good idea?

To truly answer such a question about which is better writing your ex a letter or not, we need to examine both the good points and the bad points about it. The good to writing letters is that they will allow you to express feelings that you might not otherwise be able to express. There are plenty of people that can say more in text than they’d ever be able to say verbally. So if letters are helping you with the communication process, they can definitely be a good thing.

On the other hand, letters are also quite impersonal. People that are broken up with over the phone, over an instant messaging program, through mail or even by text-message are people that tend to really hold grudges. The most honest way to break up with someone is in person, although many people just don’t have the gumption to do it this way. Just as this is true with breakups, so too is it true with everything else related to relationships. If you want to get your ex back, the letter might not really be the best way to communicate that information.

This is actually even more evident if you go back and look at the previous good point about writing letters. Even though they can help you communicate things that you find hard to communicate verbally, your ex probably already knows that. Therefore, learning to communicate those things verbally shows that you can change for the better for your ex and that is something that is more likely to make them come back to you than a written letter.

Generally speaking though, all of this might be a bit of an academic debate. The reason for that is that many times the direct approach is not the best one when it comes to getting your ex back. Writing letters to get your ex back by definition involves the direct approach. If your goal with the letter is to start up the relationship again, you can do nothing but take the direct approach. The closer to the breakup you write the letter, the less likelihood there is of the direct approach being able to work.

Actually some friends would advise you to go with the indirect approach which is writing a leter. so that your relationship with your ex will grow back into friendship after the breakup.There after you can make use of an opportunity to reignite the relationship when it comes along. Think about it for a while that is far more indirect than direct in nature. It also naturally does not involve the writing of any letters. This means that at best, there is a debate going back and forth about how effective and beneficial is letter writing to your ex.

In the last article on how toConsider Counseling way to Help Save Your Marriage we understood that a family counselor or therapist will be able to help you to enhance your family relationship by helping you to explore effective communication techniques, conflict resolution solutions, and other kinds of “coping skills” that will make your family work better. A therapist can also help you work on resolving deep issues that have carried over from childhood traumas.

So, how do you choose a family therapist or counselor? Choosing a counselor does not mean picking the first one you call. It is perfectly acceptable to interview 3 to 5 counselors before deciding which one will work best for you and your spouse.

Some of the questions you might want to ask include:

· Have you worked with couples experiencing the difficulties we’re having?
· What should I expect from counseling?
· What are your treatment methods?
· What are your prices?

You can find the names of therapists by asking for referrals from friends or family members who have tried counseling themselves. There are also referral services set up by non-profit boards who can give you the name or names of licensed professionals.

If you do not get a satisfactory number of referrals, you might want to check out therapist’s sites on the internet. When the yellow pages was the only source of advertising for therapists, the consumer would get little more than a name and a phone number. But now, a counselor’s site can include a resume, articles he or she has written, and a description of their practice. You will be able to get an idea of how a therapist will work from his or her web site.

How ever you do want to make sure that the therapist you choose is licensed. Some therapists have what is known as a MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist License) which can only be obtained after a therapist completes both a master’s degree in Psychology and 1500 hours of internship work under another licensed therapist. Other acceptable licenses include the LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), Ph.D or Psy.D. (Psychologist with a doctorate degree) and M.D. (Psychiatrist.)

Why is it Important to choose a licensed professional?

You want to choose a licensed professional because there are educational, internship, and practice standards that must be maintained to retain the license. “Relationship coaches” and others with similar names do not have similar obligations.

Different counselors have different payment options. Some offer sliding scale fees while others are able to take insurance.

Remember what ever you do, do not forget to keep on looking for for ways to help save your marriage because marriage is the central point in most peoples lifes.All other relationships( with children, with family, and with friends ) revolve around the marriage axis.

Good luck

I do not know about you but i have realised that marriage is the central point in most peoples lifes.All other relationships( with children, with family, and with friends ) revolve around the marriage axis.If that is the case then there is definitly the need to help save marriage. If saving your marriage is that important and you have explored many options invain,you might want to consider counseling to help save your marriage.

How do you know if marriage counseling is right for you?

If your relationship is involved in any of these problems listed below then you can consider that counseling is right for you.As such you might want to consider counseling to help save your marriage:
· Infidelity
· Communication
· Conflict
· Work-Life Balance
· Problems with Children
· Blended Family Issues
· Family Violence
· Substance Abuse
A counselor or therapist will be able to help you to enhance your family relationship by helping you to explore effective communication techniques, conflict resolution solutions, and other kinds of “coping skills” that will make your family work better. A therapist can also help you work on resolving deep issues that have carried over from childhood traumas.
In the next post we shall be dealing with how to choose a family therapist or counselor?

Are you going through a breakup that you do not really want?You most be wondering how you can get back with your ex.
Are there actually any "get him back secrets" and if so, what are they?
If you are looking for an answer to this question I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.

In this case i guess i will start with the bad news.There are no sectrets techniques to get back with your ex at least as far as I've ever heard.There are no secret potions or love spells or magic tricks that will bring your ex back crawling on his hands and knees just pleading with you to take him back.

And the good news is that you don't need secrets. All you need is an easy to follow, simple step by step "road map" that you can use to reconcile with your ex. If you find a good plan and follow it, even though it may be hard sometimes to stick to, the results that you get might have you believing that it was magical after all!

If you really want to get back with your ex it will be best to stop talking to him even though it sound weird. Constantly contacting him will likely backfire for a few reasons:

1) He won't be able to miss you.

You want him to start to doubt his decision to end the relationship. He needs to miss the times you spent together and the things you did. If you're constantly trying to contact him how can he miss you?

2) If you won't leave him alone you are just becoming an annoyance. That is not how you want him to think of you, is it?

3) Do not change who you are.
You have to avoid trying to fix the relationship and change yourself so he will come back. While it is important for you to understand what qualities you have that might need some work, you should never change who you are just to accommodate someone else.

4)Move On

Move on if you two are not compatible no matter how painful it might be. It's simply not healthy for you to reinvent yourself for every relationship you have plus it is a good way to find yourself in one abusive relationship after another.

5)communication

And last, but not least, communicate. That doesn't mean cry, nag, beg or threaten. That means to have an adult conversation where you can openly and honestly explain to him how you're feeling. It's also important that you let him tell you how he is feeling too. This isn't the time to get angry or upset over what he tells you. This needs to be a 'safe zone' for both of you to honestly express yourself.

By following most if not all of the list above you will be saving your relationship if it is worth saving.This is an honest and proven " get him back secrets"way to reconcile with your love.

Good luck

Have you just broken up with your boyfriend or husband,are trying to get him back? you most be at the point of trying anything to get him back. If you have reached the point of asking the question:" Do I need free love spells to get him back?" then you really need to read the rest of this article.


Before you start dabbling in magic there might be a simpler and easier way to go. Just communicating with him in a calm and rational manner it might be all you will need. At this point the 'old fashioned' written letter sent in the mail might be a good way to let him know where you are coming from.

Do not send a text massage it is just too impersonal. It's hard to truly explain how you feel with an electronic delivery system. But sending a handwritten letter will surely get his attention.

Keep the following points in mind if you want the letter to be efective:

1) Don't be negative.

This isn't the time for guilt trips, venting your anger, or whining about your broken heart. This is the time to honestly own whatever part you played in the breakup of the relationship.

Even if most of the blame is his you surely still had something that you did wrong and regret. Explain why you did what you did. Don't try to justify it, just explain what you were thinking at the time and why you took the actions you took.

2) Don't promise that you'll change.

You should be honest with yourself about anything that you need to work on but that's it. You arn't going to change yourself and remake yourself for every boyfriend you have. That's not healthy. But you can and should work on improving yourself. And you can tell him what you plan to work on and why.

3) Talk a little about your life now, without him.

Don't brag about a new guy and try to make him jealous and don't sound all down and whiny. Just tell him something good. Not all the details but just enough to pique his curiosity. Make sure you end your letter with something positive, something that reminds him of the wonderful, fun loving women he fell in love with.

You realy do not need to go that low looking for free love spells to get him back. The magic is simply to find a way to remind him of how great you are and how great the two of you used to be. Doing just that will intrigue him all over again and you will stand a better chance of getting back with your ex.

The time you put into your relationships will help to determine the success or failure of those relationships. Whether the relationship is with your partner or your children, time is an important factor. You may have heard the song, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, where the little boy grew up to be just like his Dad, too busy to find time to spend with his Dad, who had been too busy to spend time with him when he was young.

Being too busy to spend time together erodes the best of relationships. Take note of where you are putting your time. Where we choose to spend our time says a lot about what our priorities are. If we say that our partner and lover is the most important person in the world to us yet consistently give them the left over minutes in our day, we are fooling ourselves.

Have you put 10,000 hours into your relationship? According to Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, we can become an expert in anything that we spend 10,000 hours doing.

If you spent between 2 and 3 hours a day on your relationships, you would reach mastery in approximately 10 years. You could become a master in relating to your partner or your childen. Ten minutes a day, however, will take you 164 years and will probably not get the results you want.

Simply spending time in the same room, does not lead to mastery; just as your sitting in the same room as a piano for hours a day will never improve your playing skills. To master relationship skills requires that you relate to one another--that you practice negotiating, cooperating, communicating, and most of all self-discipline and self-soothing.

We encourage couples to commit themselves to go on a weekly date-to continue courting and making great memories together. We encourage couples to talk to each other everyday and make their relationship a top priority in their lives. Many relationship problems would dissolve with healthy dose of quality time together.

Likewise, if you want to have a close relationship with your children spend time with them doing something positive at least weekly. Talk with them, not at them. Try applying the Ten Thousand Hour rule to the relationships that you value.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Most couples when they get married feel that theirs is a
relationship that will stand through all of life’s battles and
in reality they are right about fifty percent of the time.
Approximately half of the marriages end in divorce. These are
terrible odds; most people would not place a bet on these
chances. What makes this even sadder is the fact that there is a
large portion of the remaining marriages that are not happy. So
these couples are right about sticking through the battles but
they end up badly scarred.

So what can you do to not only stay together but to be happy as
well. As counselors, we have found a few things that may help
with both. The first deals with commitment. But you could say
that the opening sentence deals with commitment, couples get
married sure that they will last. This true, that is their
desire but are they committed. In society today, with the
divorce rates being what they are, there is a prevailing thought
that if things get tough you just up and walk away. Couples have
a built in escape route.

Thinking or believing this way makes it hard to put a one
hundred percent effort into your marriage. People tend to think,
“Why should I work this hard when I can just walk away and start
fresh again.” To be able to commit all of your time and efforts
into your relationship you need to redefine commitment.
Commitment requires both parties putting away fairy tale dreams
and understanding that a strong, happy relationship requires
effort.

Commitment is a two-fold idea. First you commit to each other
and to your relationship. Experience has shown that open or
looser relationships tend to end up on the rocks. So you commit
to each other, this is your spouse, your friend, your partner
and very important, your lover. Commitment requires one hundred
percent fidelity to each other. We have couple after couple
coming in and saying that their partner has cheated.

Often when asked if they had an affair, physically making love
to another person most answer no. They may say that their
partner is unfaithful on “Facebook,” or by email, or texting.
Some say their spouse still calls other or former significant
others. The fact is that they feel cheated by their partner’s
sharing of his or her intimate desires, sexual fantasies, or
just the tremendous amounts of time spent on-line, or in some
cases in person, talking or communicating with someone else.

So, the moral of the story is if you want to do those types of
things, don’t; unless it is with your spouse. That is commitment
part one. Next, you need to be committed to your relationship.
But you will say that I just addressed that, no I didn’t. This
is the part where you say “I am married” and you say it no
matter what. Never remove your wedding ring just because you are
not with your partner, the ring signifies that commitment. Make
sure everybody that you become close friends with knows you are
married and want to stay that way. People know that your spouse
and your relationship are very important to you.

Part two of commitment: you need to be committed to making your
relationship something worth committing to. There are many
people out there who are committed to their relationship but are
unhappy. They feel that divorce is not an option but seem to
think that being happy in not an option either. What is
necessary here is an understanding that happiness is an
individual choice. When you both chose to be happy, life is
better. You also need to realize that happiness never just
happens, it needs time, effort and work. Just because there is a
hiccup does not mean that life is over and he or she doesn’t
love you; it just means life has happened.

Now is when you show just how mature and committed you are. Talk
it over, work it out, do what needs to be done, get over it,
forgive, try a little kindness, cut each other some slack, look
at it from their viewpoint, try to see things a little
different, don’t always have to be right or get your way; all
clichés but all true, that’s how they became clichés. Life is
never one way or the other; there are always options. Very few
things need to be deal breakers.

The best advice we can offer at this juncture is to do what you
did when you were falling in love. We realize that time has
changed and life has changed but your love for each other need
not. Date each other, talk to each other (about anything and
everything, tell each other jokes, happy things), touch each
other (this is not sexual but it can become sensual) and often.
Have “meetings” to discuss schedules, events, needs and other
business of life. These meetings allow you to adjust, adapt and
know what is going on in each other’s life.

Have fun together, but don’t stress over it. We had a client who
didn’t enjoy the moments of her vacation with her partner
because she was too worried about he fact that she wasn’t having
“fun” all the time. A fact of life is that the majority of life
is spent being comfortable with the highs and lows taking about
the same portion of the remaining time.

Roger Ebert said; “Never marry anyone you could not sit next to
on a three day bus trip.” Well you are on a trip through life so
decide that you can, you want to and you will sit next to this
person and enjoy every bump, every sunset and sunrise together.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Awareness Improves Relationships

Self-awareness is the first step toward a healthy sense of self and the first step toward healthy relationships. Awareness of our partner is equally important.

When you consider your life and your relationship, ask yourself this question: “Are you living consciously, semi-consciously or unconsciously? Think about your last encounter with your partner. How aware were you of his/her feelings, how closely did you listen to what s/he was saying, did you pay attention to his/her body language? How aware were you of your feelings and what was behind those feelings? Did you make a conscious choice for how you behaved or did you simply react to what s/he said or did?

Wandering through life half awake does not produce feelings of competence and does not make for great relationships. Increasing your self-awareness will greatly increase your self-confidence and self-respect, leading hopefully to a stronger relationship. Over and over during any day you choose between paying attention and not paying attention. Trying to run your relationship on automatic pilot is what gets you into difficulty.

There is the example of the husband, who was shocked that his wife was leaving him, even though her stuff had been packed and sitting in the hallway for two weeks before she told him. Interestingly, in those two weeks, he never asked and she never offered an explanation for the packed belongings.

Self-awareness means being conscious of our thoughts, feelings, and actions and behaving in harmony with what we see and know. Pay attention to the things that you tell yourself. Pay attention to the choices that you make in your relationship. Everything that we think, say or do is a choice. I find as a counselor, that most people are very aware of the ways in which their partner contributes to the problems in their relationship, but few of them are aware of the ways that they contribute to the problems.

When we choose to be aware of our feelings and share those with our partner, we become closer. When we choose to be aware of how our thoughts, words and actions affect our partner, we can choose to change what is not working. When we choose to be aware of our partner, we can be a true support and companion to them. Awareness both self-awareness and awareness of our partner will strengthen our relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Exercise Your Relationship: Take It Out For A Walk

“Happiness walks on busy feet.” Kitte Turmell
Most people are comfortable with their present relationship. Oh, they might like to be happier, they wouldn’t turn away more passion in their life and they may long for just that little bit more in their life together. But, as with any other situation, comfort seems to slow people down. When they are comfortable the drive to change or do more is not nearly as strong or persistent.

If your relationship is good and you are content with each other how do you move on to the next level? Just like any other part of your relationship, you need to look at yourself. Take stock of your energy levels, are your emotional potentials being fulfilled, do you feel spiritually fulfilled? How is your physical fitness, as good as it should or could be? “What does my physical shape have to do with my relationship?” you ask.

Well just remember the last time you made love, the time when you were really into it, emotionally, spiritually and physically. How did it go? Were you able to do the things you wanted to? Were you and your lover satisfied with the experience? Did you have to stop to catch your breath in the middle? Does the physical recovery take longer than the foreplay?

If you would just take a moment and think about it you would soon come to realize that physical passion takes a lot of strength, a lot of energy and a fair degree of flexibility. Just as the physicality of your relationship is a small, albeit an important, part of your total relationship, the physical demands of this part of your life are a small part of the total demands on your body and spirit.

To be emotionally in tune with each other, to be emotionally, spiritually and physically supportive requires that you have the ability to take care of yourself and then help your partner. Intense emotions, happy or sad, positive or negative, good or bad can be draining. To feel strong, intense passion, love, or concern can drain you for the moment.

As Thoreau put it, “an early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day,” especially if you walk together. A healthy fit relationship requires healthy fit people. So as a gift to yourself and your partner get a physical check-up on a regular basis, follow a good eating program—getting the proper amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables, drink enough water and start and maintain a fitness program that involves at least 30 minutes a day of cardiovascular work.

Being stronger and more fit will enhance your relationship, as you have more energy to give to it and your partner. Seneca, a Roman philosopher, stated; “it is part of the cure to wish to be cured.” It is part of a passionate, compassionate, romantic, loving and fun relationship to wish to have that kind of relationship. And that kind of relationship usually requires a level of fitness to carry it through.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

Every couple has needs for time alone and time together. The strength of each of these needs many vary greatly. Some may be much more inclined to time alone and others to time together. This difference in level of needs can become a bone of contention in relationships where one person craves time alone and the other craves time together. Often people find themselves vacillating between wanting time together and wanting time apart. Frequently the rhythms simply do not match. When one wants to be close the other wants space and visa versa. Learning to dance with the rhythm rather than fight against it creates harmony rather than dissonance.

There are times when it is important to be there for your partner, to validate and support. Times to reach out and connect. There are times when it is vital to make time for what is important to your partner.

There are also times when it is best to step back and allow your partner some space. Times when it is important to hang on to yourself and take control of your emotions, rather than letting your emotions take control of you. Take a deep breath, relax and accept that time alone is what your partner either needs or wants at this minute. Realize that you can give this to them as a gift, that you do not have to feel threatened.

Allowing each other space and time when needed and being there to support when needed will strengthen your relationship. The trick is to recognize what time it is. Is it time to draw close or is it time to create space? Domenico Cieri Estrada said, “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”

If you find yourself cranky and out of sorts, you may want to step back and take a deep breath. Identify what is going on for you. Learn to sooth yourself and don’t take frustrations about work or life out on your partner.

If you find that your partner is cranky and out of sort and listening to them and validating their feelings is not working, then it may be time to simply say, “I’m here if you want to talk.” And walk away. But walk away with peace in your heart. Know that it is okay for them to feel however they feel and it is okay for them to need time to themselves. Stop worrying and allow them to sooth themselves.

Becoming skilled at knowing when to come close and when to walk away, means becoming less reactive and more supportive as partners.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage Laffs - Keeping You Happy

Marriage is tough enough without being able to laugh a little, cry a little, heal a little and feel loving time and again. So here are some quotes to help you think a little, laugh a little and reflect on your marriage.

"I Love You,
Not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you,
not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
Roy Croft

"A wise woman will always let her husband have her way." Richard Brinsley Sheridan

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson

"Woe to the house where the hen crows and the rooster keeps still." Spanish proverb

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner

"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." Harlan Miller

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip

"My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me." Jon Bon Jovi

"If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it." Ezra Bowen

"A husband always prefers his wife's mother-in-law to his own." Anonymous

"One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour." M. M. Musselman

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - unknown quote

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." Joyce Brothers

"Remember, you married her, you didn't hire her!" Dr Phil

"Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside." Frank Pittman

"If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because they take better care of it." Cecil Selig

"The grass looks greener . . . but it's Astroturf."

"Friends don't let friends get divorced." Diane Sollee

"A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with one's husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life achieve it." Anne Morrow Lindbergh

These I Can Promise
Author Unknown
"I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow."

Perhaps this seems a little bit of a strange way of giving some marriage advise or encouragement but these short quotes carry a ton of wisdom in them. Perhaps an unappreciated bit of wisdom here is to not take yourselves to seriously. Enjoy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Instant Renewal

As counselors, we are often asked, “How can we fix my marriage?” Couples want something simple they can do today that will make things better. It is only human when we are in pain, to want to make the pain go away. But, it is counter productive to try and rush relationship renewal.

An instant fix for relationships does not exist. Relationships are built drop-by-drop, kind words, kind deed, attention and so on. It takes time and effort to repair or keep your relationship strong.

When you try to cram attention to make up for years of neglect into a short period of time, you can end up drowning your partner in what now feels like smothering and intrusive attention. When people wake up and realize that their relationship is floundering, some may get panicky at the idea of losing their partner. They start desperately trying to show their partner that they love them and constantly look for reassurance that their partner still loves them.

Take a step back, take a deep breath, and hold on to yourself. If you are the one more interested in preserving your relationship, then you are going to want to start taking some steps in the right direction.  But gushing all over your partner is going to get the opposite of the results that you want.

Today we seem to want an instant fix for everything. There are ads everywhere promising instant results. However when it comes to relationships there are no short cuts. There is no great thing that you can do to make up for the past, but little things done consistently can make all the difference.

Begin by really listening to your partner. Stop and ask yourself each day, what can I do today that will bring a smile to my partner’s face. Make sure that you are having many more positive exchanges to balance the negative exchanges.

Can relationships be repaired? Absolutely! It requires persistence and effort.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Strengthen Your Relationship by Staying Positive

Life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans and good intentions. Nobody gets married planning on forgetting that they love their spouse, nobody intends to let their job or school take precedent over the person they love but it happens. All to frequently, it happens. We see it all the time in counseling. People get so caught up in “living” they forget the important part of living; the person they love.

We have a tendency to take our partners for granted. Especially after we have been married for a time. We think; “She (or he) will always be there.” Boom! Our loved one is not happy, they are talking about leaving and we can’t figure out where this came from.

What you must understand is that if you are not actively taking care of your relationship you are inactively destroying it.  A marriage takes constant work. We always need to be looking for positive things in our relationship. We need to be actively engaged in positive reinforcement of the reasons we got married. As I have mentioned in a different article, it takes five positive interactions for every negative one in order for a marriage to last.

So what are some positive things that we can do in our relationships? Are there any signs of positive relationship interactions, aside from the silly happy glow about those couples that have “mastered” it? Positive relationship signs are words, attitudes, gestures, facial expressions, and body language that communicate our love, concern, care, desire to be with and attraction to each other. Words of love expressed when one leaves to go to work, words and hugs of appreciation for unexpected giving (which in itself is a positive sign), holding hands, lightly touching each other when passing; the list is endless and varied as the couples who use them.

Fondness and admiration are two very powerful positive relationship signs.  Appreciation is another. Touches, kisses, and little gestures of affection all build positivity quickly. Care and concern are two more ways to build the positive energy in your relationship, demonstrating to your partner that you are just as concerned about them as you are about yourself puts you miles ahead. Where you put your time and effort tells what you value most. So do a quick check, where do you spend most of your time and effort?

A fun way to get started on changing your relationship energy from negative or neutral to positive is to sit down and compose an appreciation poem or if you are not particularly poetic just a list of the things you appreciate about your partner. Although home crafted poetry, even if it is a little sappy, gets lots of points. This list can include anything about your partner and your relationship and your life together that you really appreciate. When you have got it all down on paper or in the computer, make it pretty, nice bonded paper, your favorite non-business font, fancy border and so forth. Roll it up like a scroll, tie it with a pretty ribbon, call your spouse, make plans to meet at your favorite romantic spot or restaurant and then give the scroll to them with the appropriate words and gestures.  This list will be a cherished gift if presented properly.

Once you know what you really admire and appreciate about your partner make it a priority to express one thing daily to them. “Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you." I couldn't help think how much I admire you for _____________." “Remember the time when_________, Man I thought you were so hot." It really is the little things that mean the most so, yes sweat the small stuff. A hero is not the one who shows up once in a while to do the impressive; a hero is the one who is there all the time doing the little things.

In all things, turn toward your partner not away.  Turning toward is being interested in what they have to say, in their opinions, it means showing care and concern and common kindness to them. It is holding the door open, helping them with their coat, it is saying “that’s great!” when they are excited about something or just “that’s interesting” when they tell you about an incident that happened that day. “Tell me more” is always good for a few positive points.

Remember it is not just saying you love each other, showing it and proving it means so much more. William Shakespeare said: “They do not love who do not show their love.”

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We are all equal

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal.” Frank Pittman

Having recently attended a conference on counseling, I came away with a renewed sense that equality is really the essence of any relationship. This was brought to my attention in a seminar regarding personality. In a group session working with both introverts and extroverts, amazing insights and understandings were available when both parties felt valued and appreciated.

When each group member, whether they have a preference to intro/extroversion, gave attention and respect to the others a great dialogue was opened and the discussion was successful. When we feel that we are treated as an equal, when our views and thoughts are give equal credence, when we are given the respect that we deserve as human beings defensiveness and anxiety disappear.

This ideal of equality applies to all aspects of our lives, in our marriages, our families, our social groups and our working environments. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect just because we are alive. We are born as beings beyond worth and there is nothing we can do in life that changes that. Granted we all make mistakes, make foolish choices or do things that we regret later; but these have no impact on our worth.

But nowhere in life does this idea of being beyond worth have more impact than in a marriage relationship. Because of the closeness of life within marriage bonds partners will often pick up on the tiniest nuances and take it personally. We need to be continuously on guard for the little things that our partner may feel as an attack on them personally. Be sure that our actions and thoughts demonstrate our love and acceptance of each other. Treat each other and ourselves as if we are priceless. Total acceptance and strict adherence to treating each other as equals is the secret to happiness and successful marriage.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine