Dream Relationship or Nightmare

Have you created the relationship of your dreams or is your relationship a bit of a nightmare?

It may help to stop and consider what you have brought to your relationship in terms of expectation, attitudes and scripts. What was your parent’s marriage like? What about the relationships of other significant people in your life? Are those marriages examples of relationships that you would like to have? If not, then you may need to consciously choose and behave differently.

We are all influenced by the examples that we have seen in our lives. However, we are not predestined to create a marriage like that of our parents, but unless we consciously choose differently we are greatly affected by the scripts that we have learned over the years.

Often what feels “true” to us is not so much based on truth as it is based on our experiences and the beliefs that we have formed. What we expect from our partner, what we expect from our self and how we react in our relationship is determined to a great extend by these scripts from our younger years.

Your past can influence and even control your future if you let it. But you do not have to be run by the past, you can choose to live in the present and live for the future. But that means being willing to stop behaviors that are not working. It means finding new ways to approach old problems.

Change can be difficult. Sometimes people are just comfortable being miserable and change seems threatening, even if change may make things better. Better the hell you know than the one you don’t.

The great thing is that often the simple act of deciding that we must behave differently in our relationship will help us wake up to the destructive patterns we have been repeating. As we begin to “see” what we have been doing, we begin to have a choice to act, rather than just react as we always have.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: 5 Steps to Creating What You Want

Tommy Smothers of Smothers Brothers and Laugh-In fame, only for you baby boomers, said that the problem with not knowing what you are talking about and that is how to know when you’re finished. Or what about when you are driving some place you’ve never been before, do you know how to get there? How do you find out? Well if getting there in timely unstressed fashion is important to you will find a map, ask directions or otherwise get help. But all of that will not help unless you know where you want to go, you need to know where it is you want to be.

This is all true in a marriage relationship as well, doubly so. In a marriage you can stumble along going from crisis to crisis, from event to event and eventually wind up being married for fifty years or whatever number of years it is. The question you need ask yourself is; is that really what I want from my relationship, is this all there is to a marriage? If the answer is I want more from my marriage then you need to figure out a few things.

First, what is it you want from your marriage. Is it to be happy? Safe or contented? Whatever the answer is the second thing is ask yourself what does that look like to you, to your spouse. How would you define a happy marriage? What does being secure feel like to both of you? Third, talk to each other about these questions, make sure both of you are on the same page as to definitions of happiness, security or whatever it is you decide you want for yourselves.

This is really a crucial part of the process. If one of you is just saying “well, whatever you want is okay with me,” I can assure you, that this person’s needs will not be met and sooner or later there will be some resentment in him or her. Both parties need to discuss the issues and put in their thoughts, efforts and input because that is the only way they both will buy into the process. We’ve seen clients in our office saying, “I never really wanted kids, it was all just for her, I had no say in it.” Not only is this a total abdication of his responsibility but it also tells us that there was no real discussion or mutual decision about children and as a consequence resentment has set in.

The fourth step is to collect all of this data about every facet of your relationship in one spot, sort and then start negotiating where there are differences. This part of the process requires some maturity from both of you, don’t just stick to your position and say you are not going to move, be flexible. Look for places and ways to make adjustments to your expectations, needs and wants. Both of you, one can’t be always giving in because of the same as above, resentment.

This is not to say that there are not things about which you will not change or budge, but these types of things had better be about values and morals, not about wants and desires. Once you’ve come to a negotiated agreement the fifth step is to write it up as a statement of intention or a vision statement for your marriage. When you are writing it remember to be flexible and adaptable because as you grow as individuals and as a couple your expectations and wants will change as well, make room in you statement for that growth. Now you know where you are going it’s easier to find the right map, ask the right questions to get the help you need.

Remember the difference between a dream and a goal or vision is the written word.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Are We Falling Out of Love?

Many couples start to have doubts when the fur starts to fly. They start to wonder if they were “meant to be together” or if they ever loved each other. The reality is that every relationship goes through rough times. It is not the fact that you have disagreements or fights; it is the meaning that you attach to those experiences that decides whether it strengthens or breaks your relationship.

Unfortunately life has no rewind button and we cannot change what has already happened. What’s done is done. It is important to be clear about what you have the power to change and what is beyond your control. You can change the way your past affects you, but you can never change the events that have already happened. Giving up the dream of having a better past allows you to move forward to a better future.

There are things that we can learn even from the worst experiences of our life. What we do have the power to choose and control, is the meaning that we give to the things that happen to us. That is why two people can have the same experience and yet end up with totally different outcomes. One becomes bitter and miserable and the other chooses to love and enjoy life.

What meaning are you attaching to your experiences? What feelings do those meaning stir up in you? Do those thoughts and feelings lead you to be happy or miserable? If you had that choice would you rather be happy or miserable? The important thing for you to understand is the YOU DO HAVE THE CHOICE.

As human beings we have the amazing ability to manufacture happiness, even in the worst of circumstances. Christopher Reeve is one example of someone who chose to embrace and enjoy life regardless of circumstances.

It is not what happens to you that determines the outcome. It is the combination of what happens and the meaning you attach to it that determines the outcome. If you find yourself in love and hurting each other, it is time to take a step back and look at the choices you are making. Are your choices helping to get your needs met or are your choices getting in the way of the happiness that you want?

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine