Grow Up or Grow Apart

Recently a client came to an ah-ha realization. He commented that perhaps they got along better when they were dating because they recognized that they were two separate people but once they got married they started expecting the other to make them feel good. He explained that his thinking that had been, “if she loved me she would make me happy and because I love her I should be able to make her happy. I’m certainly not doing a very good job of that.”

Often in relationships there is one person who get labeled as the “bad guy” or the “problem.” Sometimes each person is busy labeling the other as the “problem.” There is a break through moment when we realize that we need to give up blaming our partner and wishing that they would change in order for us to be able to move forward. You have heard repeatedly that the only person you can change is you. If we understand this, why are so many of us still waiting for our partner to make the first move so that things can improve?

Many couples seeking counseling or just seeking to improve their relationship, find that the more they try to give the complaining partner what s/he thinks s/he wants the less things seem to improve. Many will then throw up their hands and declare we must have fallen out of love.

But the reality is that if you can’t be happy with what you’ve got, you will not be happy when you get what you think you want. The problem is not out there; the problem lies within. When we lack self-respect and self-acceptance, first we are going to choose partners who prove our beliefs to be true and then we are going to attach meaning to their behavior to show that they do not respect or accept us.

Our first task in growing up so that we don’t grow apart is to come to peace with our self. When we learn to take full responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions, we realize that our partner can’t make us feel happy or mad or sad, we realize that we have choices for our thoughts, feelings and actions. Many people recognize their responsibility on an intellectual level, however when their emotions are triggered, reason flies out the window.

It is absolutely imperative for a lasting relationship to be respectful, kind and considerate to your partner and as partner’s we should expect good treatment from each other. The reality is that there will also always be bad days; times when we are preoccupied, or possibly short tempered. When we need our partner to be perfectly giving and loving in order for us to feel accepted and loved we set ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

It is not that lasting couples do not argue or disagree; it is that they attach different meanings to those experiences. Instead of thinking, “S/he doesn’t really love me—I’m not lovable.” They think, “We love each other and we will figure this out.” They don’t need their partner to constantly prove to them that they are okay, because they are okay with who they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Simplify Your Relationships

Simplifying our lives is an ongoing struggle in this fast paced technological world. We are encouraged to simplify and unclutter our lives to make more room for relationships. Is it possible or desirable to simplify our relationships?

Do we make our relationships more complicated than they need to be? We make our lives more complicated than they need to be whenever we:

Demand Others Be a Certain Way to Make Us Comfortable

We complicate our relationships by expecting others to behave as we would and make choices so that we can feel comfortable. We can simplify our relationships by accepting that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences. We need to be clear about our own values and principles and become principle rather than preference based in our disagreements. There are going to be times where we will just have to agree to disagree and that is okay.

Worry About Things Over Which We Have No Control

Worry, anxiety and stress complicate our relationships. Mark Twain said, “Ninety-eight percent of what I worried about never happened.” We can simplify our relationships greatly if when we have a concern we ask ourselves, “Is there anything that we can do to make this better.” If the answer is yes, then do it; if the answer is no, then take a deep breath and make the best of the situation.

Get Stuck in Anger, Guilt or Resentment

Releasing negative emotions will not only simply your relationships, but at the same time will make your life a much more comfortable place to be. Often acknowledging and accepting how you feel can be the first step to releasing that negative feeling. People tend to deny or gloss over their negative feelings, saying, “I’m not mad at you, or I don’t feel guilty.” Denying your feelings will complicate your relationships and make it less likely that you will get your needs met.

Miscommunicate

Much of what complicates relationships is simply miscommunication. Years ago, when I gave my daughter directions for how to get to my office for the first time, I spent a long time waiting for her to arrive, because although the directions seemed clear to me, they meant something else to her. I told her to turn on Quebec Ave. the first turn after the department store. Since there was only one way to turn on Quebec, I didn’t tell her which way to turn. She took the literal first turn after the department store going the opposite direction (not Quebec Ave). Unfortunately she did not have a cell phone at the time. Listening to understand and asking clarifying questions can greatly simplify your relationships and your life.

Manipulate and Play Games

When we play games rather than asking for what we need or want, we cause confusion and complicate our lives unnecessarily. Honesty is the solution for manipulation and game playing. We need to be honest first with ourself and then with our partner. What are our motives? When we are clear and open with each other we not only gain simplicity in our relationship, but we increase the level of trust. Trust is essential for any lasting relationship.

The simplified relationship is made up of two whole people, happy with themselves and others, who confidently ask for what they need, who are willing to listen to understand each other and who are honest and clear with each other. Simplicity in relationship is beautiful and comfortable.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Vacation Musing

Recently while on holiday in the Dominican Republic with my wife, I had the opportunity to meet a young family, a father, mother and two daughters. The oldest daughter might have been fifteen but probably was a little younger and her sister was maybe eleven or twelve. We had the opportunity to take a tour together and spend some time with them during that tour. Watching this family interact with each other and enjoy their vacation together was a blessing.

I thought to myself that no matter what their life was like back at home, here they enjoyed each other’s company, they loved being together. Then as I continued to observe them I came to the realization that this vacation was just a continuation of their relationship at all times. This family was happy and well adjusted, it would not matter where they were or who they were with, they were happy with each other.

As a marriage and family counselor, I perhaps see a disproportional number of dysfunctional families and I was intrigued with this family. No, I was not stalking them, just that when I saw them in the resort I felt a peace and contentment watching them. What was it that made them so happy with each other? We were at the same resort for seven days and so we would bump into each other on an almost daily basis and I was amazed at the politeness of the daughters and their seemingly pleasure at meeting us again.

Watching them one night as they sat across the room from us in a restaurant I was reminded of a quote by David O McKay, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” As I watched them that night I was struck by the relationship that husband and wife had. They both obviously loved each other, with that goes almost automatically, they treated each other with dignity and respect. Their interactions with each other were full of tenderness and love.

Oh they laughed and teased each other and were not namby pamby at all. There was a light in their eyes for each other that anyone could see. And the best part of this was that same light was in their eyes when they interacted with their daughters. That same light of love and respect was in their children’s eyes when they talked to their parents and each other.

I am not saying that this family didn’t have their share of squabbles, arguments and fights, they did. Not that I saw them, but they are humans and that is that. A sad fact of life is that people in love disagree and this can be a source of conflict. But what I am saying is that I feel this family dealt with their problems in a constructive way, guided by the love and respect they have for each other.

I am not trying to paint a picture of perfection, no I am saying that there are ways and means to relate to your loved ones in every situation you find yourselves in that demonstrate your love and concern for them. Ways that allow them and you to feel respected and honored and loved no matter the problem. In any relationship, but most importantly family relationships, we must not make the other the problem. Remember instead that they are someone you love and there is a problem or disagreement between you. They are never the problem.
Quite possibly that family might have been one of the highlights of my vacation. If nothing else they restore my faith in human relationships. I am reminded of a quote by the English author George Bernard Shaw: “Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.”

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine